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Reconciliation
User Topic: Why this is so hard
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

This is an email I sent my WH on why it's so hard for me after his affair with his high school sweetheart.

Subject: What is hard

You gave her intimacy
You gave her sex
You gave her your kisses
You gave her a feeling of importance in your life
You gave her time
You gave her caring
You gave her good times
You gave her a place of importance with Tom
You gave her our boat
You gave her our money
You gave her information about me
You gave her information about our marriage
You gave her information about my family
You gave her protection for when things get "ugly"
You gave her loyalty over me
You chose her over me on the forth of July
You chose her over me for the football trip
You gave her the protection of your lies to me
You gave her all of the good parts of you but none of the bad
You gave her a feeling of being special to you
You gave her kids things to make her happy
You gave her your text messages
You gave her phone calls
You gave her shared meals
You gave her a ride in our car
You gave her your creativity
You gave her your dishonesty towards me
You gave her a place above me
You gave her more thoughtfulness than you gave me
You gave her your confidence while shutting me out
You gave her your patience
You gave her your interest
You gave her your wisdom
You gave her your laughter
You gave her your humor
You gave her your kindness
You gave her your plans
You gave her your smiles
You gave her your companionship
You gave her the secrecy
You gave her the knowledge that I was married to a cheater
You gave her the knowledge that I had chosen a man with major flaws
You gave her the knowledge that one day I would suffer humiliation
You gave her the right to feel pity for me
You gave her the ability to hurt me without me being able to hurt her
You gave her the pride in knowing that she still had a hold on you
You gave her the feeling of being desired
You gave her your desire
You gave her your lust for her
You gave her your fantasy about her
You gave her the impression that you would leave me for her
You gave her the knowledge that you were willing to risk me being devastated for her
You gave her the knowledge that even though you'd been discovered, you would still go to her house and spend the night
You gave her the knowledge that she was so important to you that you would find her at a quickly mentioned nail salon in order to spend more time with her
You gave her the knowledge that you would drop by her house on a Sunday evening to be with her even though you were living with your wife again
You gave her the knowledge that I would suffer if I found out and that was not important enough to you
You gave away your duty to protect me from any sexually transmitted diseases
You gave her the knowledge that I was not important enough to you to protect me from any diseases she might have
You gave her the knowledge that you didn't care if I died from one of them if she had one

You gave her your filth, your dirt, your lack if character, your selfishness, your immaturity, your consistent habit of putting what you want ahead of all others and then blaming them and making excuses for your horrible behavior.

You gave her my husband.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 132 | Registered: Jul 2013
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Wow, that is powerful. How did he respond?


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Oh my.

So much loss.

(((((SadWife)))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7393 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

(((Sadwife222)))

That is very profound and I identified with much of it.

It's like they strip our soul down to the bare bones with nothing left.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

No response, yet. He's out of his office right now. But yes, it is so much loss, more than he's really thought about, I'm sure. But not more than I have and not more than the other BS on here have thought and know about.

There is no quick fix for the magnitude of this type of betrayal.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 132 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

That's some powerful stuff.... I'm so sorry for your pain, suffering and hurt.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Wow. So true. And so sad.

I feel like sometimes they just don't get it. I want to be with my WS, but I feel like he took so much from me. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 1:56 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1152 | Registered: Jul 2013
changedforlife
Member
Member # 38474
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Wow! I want to copy this and give it to my WH (minus some of the specific ones).

To see it all laid out like that is very powerful.


Me - BS/Him - WH (in our 40's)
Together 21 years/ 1 preschooler
D-day - Jan 24/13 He confessed about affair.
Broken NC -Feb 7-22,Feb 28,March 6
Continued Contact up to July 16
D-DAY 2-July 19 FALSE R!

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Ouch...that hurts to read but it's all so true. :(
I think I've lost my appetite.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

His reply:
"Awww Honey, I soo sorry and you know what? I also GAVE her up for my sweetheart. YOU"

I don't think he gets it.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 132 | Registered: Jul 2013
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

They will never get it. I find myself disappointed in Wh every time I find something for him to read or write something that I feel will FINALLY make him get it, but he never does and he never will. He can't.

But I wanted to tell you that *I* get it, and so do all the BS's here. We get it.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 5:05 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
IslandGirl18
Member
Member # 36781
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

So selfish...why so selfish? I felt a physical reaction with each word you wrote. I'm so sorry you are hurt. It just never makes me feel better knowing another person has felt the devastation of betrayal. The lost trust. My God. For what? For what? Was being with someone else worth the destruction of the person you made vows to?

I was hoping his response would have been more tender.

You are cared for here. Always.


me: BS
him: WS

D Day: July 27, 2012
Day of first suspicion: 6/7/11
DD#2: November 2, 2012

Divorced


Posts: 103 | Registered: Sep 2012
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I was hoping he could see how everything he gave her I thought of as precious. What's hard for him to understand is that, because he gave them so indiscriminately to another woman, they now don't have the value for me that they used to have. His love, time, thoughts of who he wants to be with, are now worth so much less. I don't know if I can love him as I used to.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 132 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I'm surprised (and not surprised) that his response wasn't more understanding. I don't think anyone can truly understand what you've lost unless they've gone through this horrible experience themselves.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1152 | Registered: Jul 2013
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I'm surprised by his response. Even though you spelled it out, he clearly doesn't get it. I can feel your pain just by reading your words. So sorry you are hurting. I tried explaining it to my husband by telling him that I use to feel special to him. He took all those things that made me feel special and gave them to her. He didn't get it either.

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jul 2013
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I agree they never get the devastation


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry. I wish his response would have been more empathetic to how you are feeling.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

(((SadWife)))

The tears are flowing freely for me after reading that...

I recently texted my H that he makes me feel like I should be grateful to him for giving up his exciting and satisfying relationship with OW to be stuck in one with me. It's the most awful feeling...

I'm sorry he responded in a similar way to such a heartfelt list of losses. It's still hard for me to fathom that many WSs just never really get it. I still hope that they will.

I'm so sorry for your pain. All of us here "get it".


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 671 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
16forever
Member
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 3:44 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Omg I felt every word of that so much this was true for me made me cry


Me:BS
Him:WS
3 awesome kids

Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

He gave her up...FOR you??

UM..WTF???

He didn't go NC with her because it was wrong..because he is committed to the marriage...because he understands he had an affair and it was wrong..no..he gave her up FOR you. Not him..for you. That puts a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. His being faithful should have nothing to do with you..just as his cheating had nothing to do with you. If he decides his fidelity based on anyone..and anything other than his boundaries,his morals,his understanding of right and wrong..you have a problem.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7393 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

I don't normally post on this page. I don't think I'm really ready or made enough progress. But my wife had me read your post and it was amazing. Your words have touched her and me. So much damage done. I know my wife feels the same way. I have taken everything from her and treated it like it was worthless. WS generally put more worth on themselves and their AP. So its no surprise that we take all sense of worth from our BSs. I hope you and your WS can make some strong strides to getting better.

Posts: 289 | Registered: Aug 2012
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I don't think he will ever truly understand the depth of my pain and suffering because it didn't happen to him. And even if it did, I think men process things differently.

He had a RELATIONSHIP with another woman. That feels as if something was stolen from me, given to another, and he was the uncaring thief.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 132 | Registered: Jul 2013
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

because he gave them so indiscriminately to another woman, they now don't have the value for me that they used to have

This is exactly it.
His actions devalued every single thing he'd ever given you, done for you and had with you.
I get it.
I GET IT!
His response made me want to vomit. His sweetheart? He gave her up? WTF? FTG.
It's a simple equation of value versus cost.
The value of the affair was worth more to him that what it would cost YOU.
I am so sorry that he even replied...no response would have been better than that.
I did edit this and send it to my WS as well.
He said he realized he'd done all that and that he'd been thinking about all those things a lot. He obviously didn't think about them during the affair.
It's so many of the little things that add up.
He's always loved my feet and he told me yesterday when he was looking at my toes "So much of who we are is right here." and he pointed at my toes. I said "I understand that." And I am the ONLY PERSON ON EARTH WHO WOULD UNDERSTAND THAT AND THAT STILL WASNT ENOUGH.
Heartbreaking. Simply and totally avoidable and heartbreaking.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

I think a big part of it for me, also, is that with each little thing he gave her, he was taking that same thing FROM me. So now, I'm empty. I don't have the connection to his love anymore, to his laughter anymore, to his companionship anymore, because he gave it all away and left me with only a void. I don't know if it can be filled back up again but if it can, it feels like it will take forever.

I don't think he will be able to watch my unhappiness for as long as it will be here. After all, his happiness has always come first.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 132 | Registered: Jul 2013
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I took your list (hope that is ok, it was just so powerful!) and modified it for our situation. I worked on it for a very long time. I just sent it to him, his response is below. Just proves that nothing they say will help or fix what they have taken from us.

"This is tough to readÖ..You donít think about those things and what youíre doing to your wife when youíre acting like a total piece of sh*t. Iím so sorry"


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Oldcow, you are so fortunate to have him get so close to understanding. I wish mine understood better.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 132 | Registered: Jul 2013
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I also GAVE her up for my sweetheart. YOU.

I wish he hadn't added this part. I hate that WS's feel like they're giving something up when they stop the A. He's not losing anything he shouldn't have had in the first place.

Sadly, I imagine my WH's response would be similar.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I don't think he will be able to watch my unhappiness for as long as it will be here. After all, his happiness has always come first.

^^This is why I am hesitant to try R again.
Is he strong enough? He wasn't strong enough to not have an affair...


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Twentyplus
Member
Member # 39593
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Well, that brought me to my knees and I thought I'd moved out of that position. He's going to read this thread, yep.

Sorry u hurt & I "get" every word.


"But we must supply our own light." - Stanley Kubrick


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Big Blue Sea
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I'm going to use some of this for my disclosure statement to my SAWH for MC that I'm currently writing (since SAWH is supposed to be writing one for his treatment, I am going to write one for mine - MC's idea).

Here is what I think has to be part of the story: SAWH is the most lazy, self centered, clueless, tuned out person I know. He always was but used to be so in an innocent, endearing way. Since he found success in his career a few years ago, he's been an internal rage against the world has formed within him. I have to believe the OW saw some of that over the 2.5+ years they were together. And obviously, the OW is pretty self centered as well.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 891 | Registered: Jun 2013
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I think a big part of it for me, also, is that with each little thing he gave her, he was taking that same thing FROM me. So now, I'm empty. I don't know if it can be filled back up again but if it can, it feels like it will take forever.

I don't think he will be able to watch my unhappiness for as long as it will be here. After all, his happiness has always come first.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Sad, for this. I want to punch your WH and hug you.

Thank you for saying that so well. Like everyone else said, we understand you. We all feel exactly where you're coming from. And we're all mourning the loss with you.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
Steppenwolf
Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Thank you so very much for this. I've re-read it four times in the last ten minutes. It is just so simply perfect. I have to go look in the mirror and puke now, but please know that this is a very poignant post for at least one WH. Thank you so much


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
startingover62
New Member
Member # 39804
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Thank you for such an amazingly vivid emotional portrait.

This kicked me further down the road of empathy. I have tears rolling down my face, because what I gave away was mostly identical.

As a FWH I recognize the fog and narcissistic acting out of your WH.

I suggest you ask him to work on himself if he is to deserve you. Maybe you can get to a "new day", but he will have to figure out how he got to a place of that kind of sorry ass entitlement first.

You moved me. Thanks.

SO


fWH 63, BS 63 (Twentyplus)

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013
disillusioned12
Member
Member # 37542
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, August 16th (Friday)

This brought tears to my eyes. Beautifully written and heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing.


BS (Me)
WS (STBXH)
Married 2 yrs; Together 6 yrs

D-Day 11/14/12
EA(PA?)
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold


Posts: 228 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 34