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User Topic: needing SI help
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Things with SO are rocky again. It's the same thing again and again just in different guises.

She feels neglected. Feels on the periphery of my life. Feels like my kids dominate everything.

She has been gradually moving closer into our lives and has now been away on vacation with me and the kids, which went very well.

I have tried to explain the constraints under which you need to live when you have kids - where you need to live for schools, how little time you get to spend alone, where you go on vacation, how you spend your time etc. She feels like she as no say.

She often complains of how she doesn't like it where we live (ETA - we do not live together) and harks back to places she has lived before. If we were going to go to these place it would in an instant relegate me to weekend dad - at best. I would be increasingly peripheral in their lives. I do not want that and my clarity about that upset her. Felt that there was no negotiation.

She thinks I hide behind my kids and that this is instead about us. .

I feel that she is not that comfortable being with a man that has kids. She is not number one and I dont think she likes that. They are not her kids - why should she like it? She has no kids herself so knows little about what it really means.

I'm rambling a bit here but hope you get the picture. The conversations are difficult because she feels hurt and I get defensive.

I guess I am starting to feel that there are real issues here. Maybe I do hide behind the kids too much and maybe I am overcompensating a bit for what they have been through. Maybe I need the kids as much as they need me.

On the other hand she does not know how it is to walk in my shoes either.

I know that I am not wrong to make my kids my priority. Is it just that taking on a partner with kids is not for everyone, or am I handling things badly...?

Help!!!

[This message edited by velveteer at 4:38 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I don't have kids, and I totally understand that the kids come first.

I don't want to be with a man that would put who he's sleeping with ahead of his children.

Kids or not, she's being selfish. Find someone that isn't selfish.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7772 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

It's the same thing again and again just in different guises.
This will probably keep coming up in many different guises. There is some research that says that 69% of the things married couples fight about are perpetual issues...the same things over and over. So when you choose a partner you choose a particular set of perpetual issues. If this isn't something you want to keep discussing you may have to choose a different partner.
Or, realize you can negotiate this each time it comes up, but it will never be "solved".


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3209 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I agree with Williesmom.

My current husband does not have kids. He's always known that they come first. Instead of being a hindrance, he's always sought to help.

To be honest, the relationship that you describe with your SO sounds draining.

She wants what she wants.
This does not jive with where you currently are (with regard to caring for your kids, etc).
Square peg, round hole.
Right now you two just don't seem to fit.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Being a single Mom with kids almost full time...I only look to date single Dads. I really believe that only other single parents can really understand the shuffling/juggling/struggle.

Before I had kids, I really didn't understand. I thought I did...but I didn't.

There is nothing you can do. Either she accepts the situation you are in and goes with the flow, or she doesn't.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

As they say, Mom always know best and Willie's hit it on the head. The kids my man...they come first...always.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I'm not sure she just wants what she wants. She loves me, and she wants more of a say - to be involved in major decisions.

However I know that I am not going to move to another country of another city - I made it clear and she didn't like that there was no negotiation on it. Maybe I handled it badly but frankly there is no negotiation on this - I am staying fully involved in my kids lives.

She even said that I spend more time with my kids that any other separated dad that she knows - I don't know of any that she knows, but that's another matter. Am I supposed to feel bad about that?

One night I was at hers and I was tired and a bit upset - she asked me why and `i told her I was tired and upset because I had said goodbye to the kids after a great week together (part of which we spent with her). She was annoyed that this was impinging on the limited time that we have together. I found that very hard.

I dunno - she says that I don't understand how difficult it is for her and its all about me and my struggles - kids, ex wife etc. I think I do appreciate that its difficult for her, but feel like she doesn't fully appreciate the pressures and constraints of my life.

I dunno - it does feel draining sometimes. Its affecting how I feel about our future. It is causing me doubt.



Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

She's not your children's mother, so why WOULD she be included in major decisions?

It seems that her expectations are unrealistic.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Too_Trusting
Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I feel that she is not that comfortable being with a man that has kids. She is not number one and I dont think she likes that.

I think you hit the nail on the head here. I don't have kids either, but I think she's turned this into a power play. And, I have to wonder if her "talk" about moving to another county/area is designed to MAKE you a weekend only Dad so she doesn't have to share?

Whatever her reasons, you are doing the right thing putting your kids FIRST.

[This message edited by Too_Trusting at 5:15 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Velveteer, you keep making excuses for this woman's piss poor, selfish behavior. The thing is she doesn't see you and your kids as a package deal. She wants you and tolerates your kids. That's why she gets so irritated when she has to share you. That's why she has no issue suggesting you relocate, so that you are only a part time dad. This has been evident since you first posted about your issues with her and it hasn't changed. Now, you need to really think about whether this is who your want your kids to form a relationship with. I don't believe it's fair to them, because she's not in it for the long haul with them and probably not with you either as long as you put your kids first. She can't handle being second.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Stepping in carefully here ...

I do not have children. Not by choice, it''s just one of the many things xWH robbed me of. But I understand the obligations (both wanted and unwanted) that come with being a parent. My SO has a nephew who is part of his life and a daughter who isn''t really. So this is a conversation we''ve have now and again. What would it look like. What could we offer, etc. And *I* know what that means in terms of how it would affect my life and my ability to manuever within it, which again informs our discussion. But who knows, it could be I''m more sensitive to the idea of a blended family due to my time here on SI, your SO may not have the luxury of 5 years of seeing people kill themselves over co-parenting, dealing with child support, dealing with emotionally affected children/teens/young adults. It''s possible I wouldn''t be as understanding as I am without that window. Further, the SO and I have had some pretty severe miscommunication about it for the very reasons you state: he sometimes interprets my statements of opinion as not understanding the issue when in fact, I''m merely stating an opinion as part of a discussion.

But here''s what leapt out at me about what you said:

She is not number one

That''s a pretty ugly slap in the face kind of thing to say to someone who is a long term partner and who is apparently invovled in your children''s lives. And is someone you are considering a future with. You may think you are saying, "as a parent, I *always* have to consider my children''s well-being before my own because they are vulnerable children." But if the words you both are using are "you aren''t number one" or "the kids come first" or words that indicate that her opinion about anything doesn''t count, then phrases like this are loaded with subtext and you might as well be telling her she''s of no account at all.

I''m not saying your concerns aren''t valid. But if you care for her at all, a little issue framing, word choice, and discussions about the topic might be helpful, i.e. address the subtext too. Of course, so too is being upfront: "honey, if you want to live there, then you''ll have to go alone. I''m rooted here so being in a relationship with me means living here". And then she has a choice to make.

Idk, I guess I''m really sensitive to the word choice of "number one". That''s been hurled at me often for having the temerity to care or want for things for myself and is invariably used in lieu of "not only are you not number one, but you are always dead last". It doesn''t feel very "share-y" or "partner-y" to think in terms of who''s first, especially when preceeded by an "always".


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I don't have kids either, but I think she's turned this into a power play. And, I have to wonder if her "talk" about moving to another county/area is designed to MAKE you a weekend only Dad so she doesn't have to share?

^^^^This

Relocating is kind of a big deal whether you have kids or not. I might like to move someday, but unless there is some fabulously compelling reason to do so, I’m not going to suggest, let alone insist, that my SO uproot his entire life. Even if you were married, status quo would reign triumphant.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Very, VERY gently.

She loves me

Really? By your own definition, you are a man who puts his kids first. She *knew* that going in, but really didn't understand. That is a heavy responsibility, yet light as a feather. I admire the fact that you are keeping your priorities straight. Your kids do need a stable influence in their lives. And yep, you need them also. No shame there.

I think you see the writing on the wall. You yourself said it best.

taking on a partner with kids is not for everyone

I'm sorry.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I did not date people with children because I knew at a young age how much time and effort kids take/need. Did that make me selfish? Maybe. But it also kept me from being a bitch because my date/so had other obligations. My ex sil decided she wanted to be married to a guy with kids. Then she was a bitch afterwards to everyone making my brothers children sad and miserable in the process. Personally, I think that is worse.

You want to put your children first. They were there first. She does not. That is a pretty big difference of opinion. Jmho, I would let go now and save you, your kids and her a lot more hurt. Again, just my opinion. I just do not see her deciding at this point that your kids deserve first billing in your life.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Please do not make excuses for her. She is being selfish.

My current stepfather had no children. My mom had 5 under 16 yrs old when she met him. He actually told a previous prospective wife that she couldn't see her adult kids without discussing it with him. He tried that with my mom and she told him where the highway was.

Anyway, it seems that she is the same; wants to be the center of your world without interruption. Sharing your affections is hard for her, even if its your children. Some who don't have children do not understand the link.

It seems she wants to move you away from your children so she can have you to herself more.
Be careful. It will come up again and again.

I won't date a man who doesn't have kids.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
gettherefromhere
Member
Member # 22932
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Speaking as a stepmom here. When I married my husband I knew he had kids. I knew if ANYTHING came up with them they would come first.

What I didn't know is how that would truly affect me. I really did feel a distant second many times. One day his ex called him and asked him if he could take the kids overnight on an unscheduled Friday. He said of course. When I heard about it I said, "Oh, our first anniversary." He said, "oh, I forgot." Not a fun place to be as his wife. I sucked it up and we had the kids (I am still sure ex didn't really need us and that she remembered the date), but I remember and that was over 20 years ago.

Do extras for your SO to let her know you think of her. Be sure to let her know you really appreciate when she helps with things with the kids. DO NOT take advantage of her like volunteering her to make cookies for bake sales. Never assume she will take the kids to swim practice...ASK her and thank her. Don't let the kids be rude to her and get away with it.

So many times I felt like I had a ton of responsibility, but no rewards, no thank yous....just totally taken advantage of. As I look back now I can very easily see that wasn't ALWAYS true, but it was too often.

It's hard being the step. If you speak up in disagreement, you are the wicked stepmother who ruins time with dad. If you always go along with everything until you explode, you are told you should have said something.

tough times. You can get through it.


Posts: 503 | Registered: Feb 2009
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I was a single mom for quite a while and I would never date a man who didn't understand the priority of responsibility to children (either theirs or mine) or who trashed their ex.

Now that they are adults it's a little different, but flexibility in general is an important quality in a partner for me, and I reciprocate that.

I think someone else said it best - you just don't fit - square peg, round hole.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4611 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

She even said that I spend more time with my kids that any other separated dad that she knows - I don't know of any that she knows, but that's another matter. Am I supposed to feel bad about that?

If that is true, it is something to be proud of! Your kids are so small, they need you. Mine are older, but as the ex of a man who puts dating, hobbies, etc before his children, I can tell you that it is absolutely damaging to them.


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Thanks folks.

Cayc - thank for this perspective. I should be clear that I have NOT said to her she is not number one and not would I. I understand how difficult that would be to hear.

My issue is that there is a reality here and that reality is that choices are constrained when you have kids. I am just not sure how much she gets that - really gets it. It's easy to say or even think that you do, but I know myself that the reality is different.

She is used to a life of making choices only for herself and has led a varied life in different places. I have been more settled and have stronger and deeper roots.

I understand her concerns. As for long term partner we have been together a year and a half and are really only now bringing things together more consistently. I felt the need to be careful with myself and the kids and give then space to adjust to the changes in their lives. Even quite early my need for caution and a slow pace raised issues. I tried as best I could to negotiate it and we progressed.

As some here will know she has also expressed a desire to adopt a child. Right from the start I told her that I wasn't keen on this and she insisted that this was something that she would do and I needn't be too involved - that to me simply doesn't add up. She also feels that i am being unfair in not supporting her to do this but how do i support it, and continue as her partner when it is not something i want for myself. It remains an unresolved issue and she has put it on a back burner.

So - she is basically asking about our future together. For me, her acceptance of my need (and I think my right) to make the decisions necessary for the best interests of my kids is crucial, and so is the
adoption issue. We are great together in many ways and she is a very sweet and caring woman and is great with the kids. But these are BIG issues and for me it's just not as simple and do you love me and do you want to be with me?

I am trying very hard to go soft and be understanding of her position and I don't underestimate how difficult it is for her. She thinks otherwise. But there are realities here. I don't know where to go.


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
Thelastknight
Member
Member # 21851
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Find balance in your life. Keep the kids a priority but take some priority on yourself.


"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Reformed BS 39 xWW 34
Two kids 5 and 2


Posts: 952 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NW
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

So - she is basically asking about our future together. For me, her acceptance of my need (and I think my right) to make the decisions necessary for the best interests of my kids is crucial, and so is the
adoption issue.

Ah yes, I remember this story now. It's sounds like you're saying "you have to accept me with kids, living here" and so on. And she's saying "you have to accept that I want these things". And there's no compromise there. She doesn't want what you do. And you don't want what she does. I won't say she's testing you - b/c that's implying a level of manipulation that I doubt - but perhaps subconsciously she is. You've drawn a line in the sand so she's thinking, well why can't I have demands too?

Idk. There's no resolution here unless both of you are willing to give a little. And there's no shame in not being able/willing to do so. But if you aren't (from which it follows that all the compromising winds up on her shoulders), perhaps you need to end the relationship.

Sometimes we talk about timing being off with another person, where the relationship works on compatibility/love levels, but not in the more practical areas of life stages/circumstances. That might be what you've got on your hands here and it's ok to acknowledge it. It's odd to think of breaking up with someone when it's not because of lack of care/love, or something horrific like outright betrayal, but sometimes it's necessary regardless.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

To me it just sounds like you two are not compatible. For a number of reasons.

You are going to make your kids a priority. You have to. You are a good dad and you are walking the walk. Adding a "step mom" into their lives is not trivial, and she just doesn't sound like a good fit for you.

You are kid-centered. She is self-centered. You can't pivot and make yourself her-centered. There isn't a way to resolve this.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1221 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

This...
She even said that I spend more time with my kids that any other separated dad that she knows
...is a big red flag to me.
That should be a compliment, not a complaint.

She doesn't understand and she doesn't get it.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Brandon - this troubles me too. I can't get this comment out of my head. Even if said in the heat of the moment (and lots of things are) - what lies beneath this?

She says that I have made no compromises on our relationship. I have arranged my life so that I prioritise all of my free time (which is limited due to my domestic and professional circumstances) so that I can spend as much of it as possible with her. The cost of that - I have little time for other friends. family etc. If I'm honest that is starting to get more difficult for me.

She does not have these same pressures and still enjoys a full and varied social life. Mine is almost entirely based around our relationship now. Don't get me wrong - that is what I wanted, but there is some compromise there.

She has a big thing right now about where to live - which part of the city. She lives in a different and admittedly nicer area.

Where I live for the next 10 years or so is strongly influenced by where my kids go to school. And this is not a decision I can make unilaterally - the terms of the S agreement are such that major decision regarding the kids and to be made jointly by me and WXW. This is an example of the constraints that I face in my life, and I just don't think she gets it. I think she sees this as me not compromising or considering her needs, when in fact it is that I do not have the flexibility around this that she thinks maybe I do or should.

Frankly she is also talking about all of this - where we might live - BEFORE we have had a serious discussion about living together at all.

For me, I feel unable to make a longer term commitment until I feel confident that we are on the same page and there are so many things here that suggest otherwise to me - her wish to adopt; the extent of my commitment to my children; where we might live; the flexibility of my time.

When we talk, she tends towards anger and frustration and I can understand this. But my views are typically portrayed as wrong, unfair, unreasonable. I don't feel that I want to adopt a child - that's unfair of me. I have strong commitment to my kids and a need to consider their needs above my own - I don't understand how that makes her feel, how hard that is for her. And round and round it goes.

We have been arguing about this for over a year off and on now and it is taking its toll on me and how I feel about our future.

We had a big fight in May during which she told me she was 'dismayed' that I was still not on board with her adoption plans - that I found it difficult to support. Since then I have been feeling less and less confident.

She wants to talk - tonight. I wanted to take some time, but she insisted. I don't know what this will bring, but I am tired of being the bad guy all the time just for sticking up for what I think is right and for being true to myself and the needs of my kids.


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:06 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Oh, I think she gets the reality of children needing to be a priority. I think she gets it perfectly.

I think it's you who does not get that she is a narcissist who will make a horrible, damaging stepmother to your children, who is actively working to damage your relationship with them. I think it's you who does not get that she wants to be Number One in your life, above your kids. I think it's you who does not see the wolf in sheep's clothing right in front of your eyes.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

This ^^^ exactly.

Once you let go of this toxicity you'll feel so much better and free to pursue the life you really want.

A future with someone like this doesn't look all that much fun. For you or your kids.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17548 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

It really sounds like you guys are simply in two different places in life. Not your fault, not her fault. You cannot FORCE something to work. What you can do is look at it as two adults accepting the relationship isn't going to work, and let go so you can each find something that does. Neither of you should give up something important (your time with family/kids/being an involved Dad...her want to adopt and be a larger priority in someones life).

Caring for someone, but understanding it isn't going to work, is difficult to understand. But, sometimes doing the hard thing is the right thing.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

[This message edited by ladies_first at 9:55 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

As for long term partner we have been together a year and a half and are really only now bringing things together more consistently.

For me, I feel unable to make a longer term commitment until I feel confident that we are on the same page and there are so many things here that suggest otherwise to me - her wish to adopt; the extent of my commitment to my children; where we might live; the flexibility of my time.

At a year and a half, it's reasonable to have the "committment" discussion.

She is entitled to her views; You are entitled to your views. I'm afraid, however, if your views are not similar ... then this relationship needs to end.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

She even said that I spend more time with my kids that any other separated dad that she knows....

Good.

Your kiddos are young and you have a long way to go. She sounds like the type that is going to equate them turning 18 as they should be "on their own" and shouldn't need you further. Which is incorrect.

What I am saying is - this problem is not going to go away. They same struggles she has today - will be there in 5 years.

I don't think it has anything to do with her not having children. I dated a guy without children and he was very in tune with what that entailed and never made me feel bad about it (like your SO is).

This is not a kid/relationship issues....it is an SO issue. She has a problem.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2181 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
traildad
Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I was in your exact situation a month ago, albeit a much shorter relationship. She is showing you who she is, look and listen. It doesn't mesh with your goals as a father. I walked away from a wonderful woman because she just couldn't see that my kids were going to be my priority all the time. It won't be easy, but you are a lucky man to be able to have your kids in your life. Don't compromise that.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, August 16th (Friday)

We spoke a bit last night and it was tough and exhausting.

We spoke a lot about the issues to do with the kids, her needs, what we each want from life etc and there is more talking to do.

I don't think that this is really that she doesn't want to share or that she is making a big noise about the practical issues. This is new to both of us, and we are trying to find our way but not communicating properly so lots of assumptions etc have been creeping in.

More fundamentally, this may be a relationship issue - how do we really feel about each other? There is some emotional distance between us I feel, like that initial flush of love has not (yet) developed into a deeper, more solid bond. I think she feels this too. We both carry a lot of damage and maybe we are not yet able to open our hearts to this, but in order face all of these other issues - how to negotiate around my family circumstances, her potential but uncertain wish to adopt, work circumstances etc - we need to be on solid ground. I think we both feel that we are not, so for me, and I suspect for her, that is making me feel uncertain about our future together.

She is a wonderful woman, and there is so much between us that is good. But I feel confused about my feelings and this is making me defensive, guarded and putting distance between us. I feel that this is coming more from me than her too, which is making me feel responsible and taking a toll on me.

I was unable to articulate this last night, and it is really only since then (not a great night's sleep!) that I have been able to think in these terms. She was the one that pointed this out insofar as she said that we needed to be solid in our relationship to be able to deal with the rest of it - I think I deflected, turning things back round to the issues I have mentioned above, probably because they are easier and I can hide behind my virtuous role as the dedicated father.

We need to talk more. I need to articulate this to her now and that is not going to be easy. I don't know how this will go, and it could well mean the end of our relationship. That's difficult because this is not a relationship that is broken. Yes we have arguments, and there are unresolved issues, but we still get on very well and have a great time together. Maybe we are putting too much pressure on it and we need to relax more - I don't know. I don't know if that is enough for her.

If we are aren't feeling it enough now, will we ever?

Confused.



Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
bushbaby
Member
Member # 22921
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, August 16th (Friday)

For the second time in my life I have taken on a man with children living with us full time. I have none of my own, and whilst my marriage was ending, my biological clock ticking I seriously considered and was about to commit to having a child on my own (sperm donor).

Your kids have to come first in your life, and I would never have fallen in love either with my XWH or my SO if they were the kind of guys whose children did not come first. SO has had a vasectomy, but will outright not consider another child...he has 3, and financially they are a struggle to support (we live in Africa, and have to find school fees of $2400 per month before we even start!) - I get broody, but I would not sacrifice SO and his 3 boys for a child of my own, on my own.

My choice.

She needs to accept that the needs of the children must come first, parental love is unconditional.

You need to decide between you how important the adoption is to her, and whether it is a dealbreaker...or whether you can reconsider.

....I'm sorry...the more I think about this, the more I think she is being manipulative and testing...wanting you to herself, with the kids on the periphery.

I look at it as you should be a package...you and the kids, one deal, no negotiation.

(but that's just me :) )


I'm alive. They say it's gonna rain, but I'll survive....I know I'm crying out, but I'm in pain....
Me BS, 39
WH 47 D twice
M 8 years
Daughter and Son 15 & 13 from his 2nd marriage raised as mine
DDay 13 Feb 09. Divorcing

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2009
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 16th (Friday)

If we are aren't feeling it enough now, will we ever?

Does a square peg fit in a round hole?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, August 16th (Friday)

Does a square peg fit in a round hole?

I was thinking this as well.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, August 16th (Friday)

The thing is she doesn't see you and your kids as a package deal.
^^^This along with Naturegirl's post. She is showing you RIGHT NOW who she is so BELIEVE her. This isn't going to chagne or get better. From one single Dad to another, let her go. Your children always come first and you already know this. There are plenty of wonderful women out there who will love you AND your children just as you are.


We both carry a lot of damage and maybe we are not yet able to open our hearts to this, but in order face all of these other issues - how to negotiate around my family circumstances, her potential but uncertain wish to adopt, work circumstances etc - we need to be on solid ground. I think we both feel that we are not, so for me, and I suspect for her, that is making me feel uncertain about our future together.
She KNEW you were a package deal when you met or very soon after. I think she fully understands what she wants in her future and it's you WITHOUT the kids. Your children are not a tool or pawn in negotiations with your SO. Whether you go watch football on Sunday's with your boys is up for negotiation, whether you spend to much time at work may be a negotiating point, heck whether you do or don't go to church may be a negotiating point but your kids are not and IMO, anyone that doesn't get that wouldn't be for me. I'll compromise on alot of stuff but my kids is where I draw the line.

I wish you the best.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 16th (Friday)

This post really touched me on so many levels. When the A shit hit the fan I was devastated but quite frankly was more devastated for my child. What was this going to mean to her? I may be old fashioned but when the decision was made to have a child for me that meant all bets were off and that child was more important than any crap two adults would ever heap on each other…and I still do. When that egg was fertilized, my perspective, my responsibility and my life was changed. There is no compromise in my mind as to what comes first in the marriage or in the singlehood. I firmly believe you just don’t have children if you can’t handle it, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with not having them hell, I did it for a long time. I still have other things in my life and enjoy my life but my priorities are now with my child…I know from your post that you are a good man and you know exactly what I’m saying.

So, I agree with some of the other guys here that when she commented about the other men not spending as much time with their kids as you and saying it as if there was something wrong with you…that would be more than a red flag for me. That would be as so many like to say in here...next. But, that’s easy for me to say because I’m just going on that part of your post, I obviously don’t know the whole story and she may have just been having a moment…we don’t know on this side of the monitor.

I’m not saying that I believe in a relationship you shouldn’t show respect and love and have as much time with your mate as possible, but no woman is ever going to tell me that she comes before my child…ever. This is something that I would make very clear from the moment the relationship was heating up…I think that would be fair to everyone. Like I said, you sound like a good and caring man…you will do the right thing.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 16th (Friday)

This is why we date.

To find out similarities/differences.

She wants you to up and move your children from the stability of their schools, friends, etc,after their family has just blown up, adopt a child, but not be too involved,
not have a life, but let her have a fun time with her friends. This sounds like a narcissist to me, appearing to be a really nice person, but underneath wanting things to be her way. She is going to devour the "you" in the relationship.

This is one seriously f****ed up bitch.

Run Forest run!!!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:27 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2216 | Registered: Jan 2012
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 16th (Friday)

asurvivor - agreed. No-one will come before my kids either. I think I have made clear what my kids mean to me and I don't think SO is any doubt about that. I think what she struggles with is feeling like she doesn't matter AT ALL. This is not the case, and I have tried to make her see that it is not a question of competition, but it does mean flexibility and a whole set of constraints that are new to her. They are not new to me. I have had 10 years to get used to that. She is having to take it all on board at once and I can see that that must be difficult.

On the issue of the quote about spending more time with my kids than others, she did offer an explanation for this and it could well be that its my sensitivity on this issue that led me down a certain path of interpretation. She says she did not mean it as a complaint and in fact was proud of the fact - it was more a way of explaining another point she was making - it was in fact a reasonable explanation.

Thing is, I just don't feel that I can commit my heart fully unless I am comfortable that there is no issue regarding my commitment to the children.

I also cannot commit my heart fully until there is greater clarity over her needs (potential need) to adopt.

She on the other hand wants to know if I am all in on an emotional level i.e. do I love her enough.

Maybe it is round peg square hole, I don't know. What I DO know, and SI peeps please be assured, I will NOT compromise my relationship and the (hard won) time I have with my children for this (or any other) relationship. I simply cannot and will not do that.



Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, August 16th (Friday)

This hits very close to home for me. I am mom to 4 kids, XSO never wanted kids. We were friends before he asked me out, he knew my level of commitment to my kids. He loved my kids and was involved in a stepfather role to them-even though we did not live together. XH is a shit dad , XSO was great with my kids. Early in the relationship he stated that he felt he was playing second fiddle to the kids. We talked about it and I thought we had come up with a plan for when the youngest was off to college. A year before she graduated, he told me he was never first in my life ( not true) and he wanted to end it-but he wanted to keep in contact with the kids- because he knows how my XH works. Turns out he was involved with someone else.

Velveteer, It sounds like a lot of miscommunication and assumption is going on by (your own admission) 2 people with damaged hearts and baggage.

Would you both be open to couples counseling ? I wish we had done that earlier in the relationship. Maybe it would have opened my eyes sooner or helped us negotiate the trouble spots better.

Good luck
Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5279 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, August 16th (Friday)

DP

[This message edited by Kajem at 11:42 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5279 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, August 16th (Friday)

adopting a child was something that she would do and I needn't be too involved
-

WTH? seriously? A child is going to be living with you,and you won't be involved? How exactly does THAT happen? Also, your children are going to see you every other weekend only, they are going to be so crushed because this other kid gets to live with their Dad. (That's how my children feel.) the mother of this adopted child is going to be going out all the time because you will be staying home taking care of her/him because she will be telling you that no mom she knows stays home all the time with their children.

Have you read postings by Abbondad on this website? His wife sounds exactly like your girlfriend.

Nice, maybe, a reason to move and change your life? No.

Don't feel bad, I know a man whose children were grown and he broke up with a really nice decent lady because she didn't really want to do the grand kid thing that much. (He did meet someone really great after that).

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:40 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2216 | Registered: Jan 2012
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, August 16th (Friday)

adopting a child was something that she would do and I needn't be too involved

I think this comes back to the viewpoint that kids are not part of the package. She doesn't see it that way with Velveteer, so she wouldn't see it that way if she adopts.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
LisaP
Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 16th (Friday)

My XH married a woman as you describe. In the beginning, she was good to them. I was relieved he married a "good" person because he sucks so much as a dad. Her kids are mostly grown so I figured she would have the motherly instinct to keep my kids safe, comfortable, and make them feel like a part of their new family.

Boy was I wrong! Once married, she has changed. They have purchased a "vacation" home in another state and still maintain a small home here for EOW. His work has offices in both states. Their Dad is now in that state most of the time and is NEVER available to see them, except EOW. She no longer spends time with the kids when they are at their house. Even if she is in our state, she has better things to do.

While she is not mean to them, she makes our kids feel like strangers visiting at their Dad's house. She has become his #1 priority. The kids feel it, see it, and are hurt by whatever is going on over there.

This is a difficult situation to be in, but what I am hearing/reading, she is pushing you. She is manipulating you. She is telling you everything that is wrong, but those are the things that feel right to you. It's working because you are second guessing yourself.

Keep true to yourself.


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2190 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
Topic Posts: 44