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User Topic: Back and completely at a loss. what the hell just happened?
Trying_To_Decide
Member
Member # 29792
Sad  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

First off, I feel a little strange coming back here after what seems like a pretty long time. I feel bad that I am here because I need you, SI. I feel like that fool who, upon facing death, prays to the God that was otherwise all but forgotten.

First, I am sorry. To myself. For staying after so many discoveries. I am sorry that I did not have the guts to just end it way back when it first came to be. Why I kept staying, kept letting him come back...I just don't know. He would cry. Beg. Feel like e could be better. I would give in. At first be strong and put up a front, be aloof. Slowly that subsided to feeling relief things were back to status quo.

Status quo. Isn't that a kicker. Is that what I want in a marriage. The average? Barely scraping by on loose treads of love?

Not really. I don't. Each time we said we were "done", I felt really good....strong...for a day. I accepted this was it this time. I was ready to be out on my own. The kids (three of them) would be fine. I would be great. All would be great without him. Then I would have a flash. A memory. See him. And nothing but hurt. Sadness. That inkling that, again, we would fall back together and be okay...for a while.

Help me please. Break this cycle of hurt. Can I find a real love? Is it even a real thing? WHat he had/has(??) with his OW...he said/says it is passion, feelings, emotional.

I caught his message to her on his semi secret text plus account:
"I know you are finished with me...but TTD and I had a real, no holds-barred talk about things and decided to end our marriage." There was another line, but I cannot recall it. I think I blocked it out from the shock that this had happened yet again. For some odd reason I truly believed we were actually PAST this...this time.

I discovered that text after H and I had been on a date night/. He got really drunk and spewed a LOT of "honesty"
and what I thought was his explaining why we kept working things out nad staying together. Somewhere I must ave lost track (and I wasn't drunk), because I have no recollection of the "no holds barred talk" we had. What does that mean, by the way? The only thing I recall is his saying, "Truth is, I will never stop desiring other women."

So, I don't know. He is buying an air mattress tonight so he can sleep at our recently (today) vacated rental to "work on it" he is telling the kids. For now.

OH! When I showed him that I saw the texts, the next morning, he apologized with a note that said, "Sorry I ruined our evening. I know I should never drink again."

I shrugged it off and told him it was too much for me.

The next day he told me he would move into the old rental so we could have some space. He said he wasn't talking divorce, just space, that it would maybe be good for both of us. I told him divorce was good for me.

Someone help me think this through, please. I am kind of unsure where to go from here. I hate the fact that he has tried to reconnect with her--I have no idea if she responded. As of Sunday, she had not. But, who knows...

WTF is wrong with me?


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 528 | Registered: Oct 2010
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

(((TTD)))

Huge hugs to you. Are you in IC at all? I know that's what helped me to regain my self-respect so I could make the best decision for me.

You are strong and will get through this.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2011
Trying_To_Decide
Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Thanks. I plan to jump head first into IC!


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 528 | Registered: Oct 2010
openedupmyeyes
Member
Member # 27871
Exclaimation  Posted: 9:42 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Nothing is wrong with you. Its so simple. You love him. So does he. Not being flippant. You will put him first. He should do the same, but right now he loves himself more than he loves anything. Don't his actions reflect that? Believe him. I am so sorry. You are strong. Read the healing library. Post. What ever you decide. You, decide. Nothing is wrong with you. You see things just as they are. You are on point.


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 760 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
Trying_To_Decide
Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Yep. He is very selfish. Though he doesn't love himself like he should. He is overweight and self destructive.


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 528 | Registered: Oct 2010
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

(((TTD)))

I am so sorry. But you now know who he is. Time to accept that he has told you his true self.

You have done nothing wrong and you will be ok.

I am sooo sorry doll...
Get into counseling eat well drink fluids and love yourself.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Trying_To_Decide
Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

That's the hardest part--knowing who he is.

I just walked into to our room to quite a scene. I had to run out so I could lock myself in the bathroom and cry. All three kids helping him pack--he's told them he is at the old house working on things that need to be fixed o be rented out again.

Oh my god, that was hard. I am trying to stop crying. I am. But, it hurts knowing full well that is probably the last time we will all be in the same room as a whole family. And they don't know that.


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 528 | Registered: Oct 2010
openedupmyeyes
Member
Member # 27871
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

What is he doing to heal himself, and your marriage? What is he doing to help heal the rift he caused?
Is he putting his wants before your needs? Hell... is he putting your wants ahead of his wants? Now, ask yourself. What are you doing? What are you teaching your kids? What is he teaching them?
I know 13 years is a long time to be with someone. I'm so sorry for your pain. Cry, girl. Get it out. Then wipe your face with a cool towel. And go out there and face it. You are strong. You deserve a mate who will love you as you love him.
You do.

[This message edited by openedupmyeyes at 8:36 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 760 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Honey, I am so very sorry. There may not be a lot that is clear to you at this moment, but I hope you are seeing clearly that he is not a safe person to be in a relationship with right now. He is not someone you can trust. He is not honest with you, with OW, with the kids, or even with himself.

Sending you so much strength as you weather the storm of his moving out. It will pass. You and the kids will survive it. Until then, you know the drill - self care is paramount. Take care of YOU so you can be there for your kids.

Big hugs. (((((TTD)))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24379 | Registered: Aug 2011
noprincess
Member
Member # 38660
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

(((Trying)))

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I can truly relate because I myself have had multiple D Days and it leaves you beyond shattered.

Also, I have been in a situation where my H has left, come back, left again...its a nightmare. I say this gently, at this point you should contact a lawyer. If he's still in contact with the OW and is now packing his bags to move out (for space or whatever!), you must protect yourself and your children. I know I wish I had done this sooner.

Sending you strength and hugs. You will get to the other side, honey. We are here for you.


"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill

Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Runninggirl
Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Hugs. I had to come back too after a very long time.
Read your post a couple times.
'On paper' it all sounds so easy doesn't it.
I should have just left then or I jum
ped th
e gun on other things seems like our manta doesn't it.
I wish I has some brilliant words of
wisdom regarding finding yourself back here. I definifely don't because here I am too. Just wanted to say you are not alone.
Like you, so grateful SI was here
when I needed to return. I used to be one of those people years ago,
whenever I saw BS return I would think I would never allow myself to be in this position again. I
will never be one of those people.
Now if ONLY it was THAT easy, right


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
Trying_To_Decide
Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

YES, exactly. It only gets harder with each time :(

After leaving last night for our old home, he returned this morning in tears because he was surrounded all night by our "good memories". I told him to give it time, it will be fine. Focus on getting things fixed...yadda yadda...again, WHY was I helping HIM???

Anyhow, I actually felt pretty good when I woke this morning. Calm and assured. It wasn't until he walked in upset that I started to feel anxious again. Damnit.


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 528 | Registered: Oct 2010
Trying_To_Decide
Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Okay. Two days into him being moved out, and it is a little bit harder. Not feeling as confident about this being a good decision. My finances are going to kill me :-(


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 528 | Registered: Oct 2010
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Sorry to know you had to return, TTD. I was given a one sentence "words of advice" 34 years ago by a very wise employer: "You cannot lose what you don't have." I wish I had listened more closely. What YOU DO HAVE in your ws and what YOU THINK YOU HAVE in your ws are two very different scenarios. Think about which one of those is your reality and know what you must do to for your own survival. If the "you do have" ws is tearing your heart out on a continual basis, the writing is on the wall and you must face dealing with the ws YOU DO HAVE. Because the 'think you have' spouse would be doing all the right things to put an end to the infidelity madness. Sending hugs....


Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
Trying_To_Decide
Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, August 16th (Friday)

Thank you, LifeIsBroken! That really makes sense to me. I decided tonight that I am ready to let go of the life I thought I should have all planned so I can have the life that is waiting for me.


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 528 | Registered: Oct 2010
Trying_To_Decide
Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 16th (Friday)

A little help?

So, the last two mornings (prior to today), he showed up, had coffee, saw the kids and then was off to work. No bug deal, didn't mind so much.

Last night was the first night he did not come by to see kids, and again this morning. This is fine, but I don't like answering the kids' questions about when he is coming home, etc. So I just send him an email asking for a schedule. This sucks.

But, I am hanging in.


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 528 | Registered: Oct 2010
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 16th (Friday)

I read this post and your profile. There is a consistency throughout your whole experience of infidelity. There is a cycle but within that a consistency. He keeps showing you who he is. Believe him.

Be strong. Be true to yourself and your kids. Thinking of you.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1477 | Registered: Dec 2011
Trying_To_Decide
Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 16th (Friday)

I know. I do. It is hard to actually take the leap...away form him. But, I am taking it little by little. Most afraid of the finances at this moment. The kids seem okay, since they think he is living in our old house to "fix it up" to rent it again...*sigh*


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 528 | Registered: Oct 2010
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, August 16th (Friday)

((((Hugs))))

I don't know if I can post a link here. I saw this this morning and it got to me - applies so much to so many of us.

http://youtu.be/frJS6fJEtVM


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
openedupmyeyes
Member
Member # 27871
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 16th (Friday)

{{{TTD}}}
Hugs and strength to you.


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 760 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, August 16th (Friday)

(((TTD)))

Go see a lawyer before he does and locks you out of your accounts!! If he hasn't spoke to you I bet he is one step ahead of you????

They can get evil...Protect yourself..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
ineedtoleave
Member
Member # 29332
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, August 16th (Friday)

That was AWESOME (((PrincessPeach))) !!!!
Thank you.

[This message edited by ineedtoleave at 2:40 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


BS(me)-52
WH-59
OW-43(married ex-Co-worker)
Married 6 yrs
DD#1: 3/19/10
DD#2: 5/11/10
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Posts: 956 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Arizona
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, August 16th (Friday)

(((TTD)))

You did the best you could.

I'm so angry for you!!

Honey, you deserve to be treated so much better.

I hope you find the peace you so richly deserve.

Best forget him and focus on you and your babies. Nothing is more important.

hugs, ttd


Posts: 507 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Trying_To_Decide
Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Thank you!! ALL.

I think Trent Shelton is my new best friend. (He just doesn't know it)

I worked HARD all morning to stay strong and NOT cry. I even had to call and tell something to H about an appt. we had that got canceled...and stayed strong through that call.
But, Trent...HE got the tears flowing. So much pain is inside of me. But it is so true what he said. It's MY fault that I am still here. It is time to take care of ME.


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 528 | Registered: Oct 2010
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 16th (Friday)

I think sometimes we have to look at them as an addiction to something that is bad for us. We will go through withdrawal because we DID get something good from the addiction.
But, overall, that addiction, to a bad thing, will kill something in US, if not our whole being.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 25