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Reconciliation
User Topic: He practically defends her
Runninggirl
Member
Member # 9973
Flame  Posted: 1:39 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

In fact, he borderline defends her.
It is beyond irksome.

Nothing is going on at this point. I know the last contact, so it isn't that.
He assured me (for whatever that is worth these days) he isn't pining away for her.,
Then why is he so damn protective of her.
How is she has done nothing wrong. I hate this. He said I am reading way too much out of it.
Regardless if I am or not.
I just want to know. Does ANYONE else feel this way in your R? As if FWS defends OP.

Thank you! Rag


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
smittennomore
Member
Member # 38150
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Hi RG,

From my experience, it also initially seemed as though my WH was defending MCOW. As he began to work through IC though, what he found was that it was really about him (I mean, isn't it ALL about them?). Essentially, he couldn't say anything bad about MCOW without also owning that for himself. It took time for him to break down his own walls and fully see how selfish and twisted he was. On e he could see that, defending his AP ended. Fast.


Me (37): BW
Him (33): WH (1sorryGDF)
D-Day: 12/19/12
DD: 3yrs old
DS: Almost 2!!
2 yr EA/PA
Working hard towards R with IC's/MC
Slowly... but getting there

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jan 2013
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

This is kind of hard to understand and may not make a lot of sense... the reason so many WS's "defend" the AP isn't because they think they are 'wonderful', it's because the AP is often a mirror reflection of themselves while in the affair.

Say your WS says "I like green", the AP "LOVES green too!"... instant bond

Remember the AP was a partner in the crime too & your H just may not be ready to accept the 'faults' of the person he chose to destroy his life, your life and your marriage for.

[This message edited by Lucky at 2:43 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
OptimisticWife
Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

My H defended OW at the start. He felt sorry for her and felt like he did wrong by both her and I. I then found out we were in false R and that he was still trying to be her 'friend'.
I noticed he stop defending her after he ended it.

Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
CLRhope4her
Member
Member # 37243
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

COMPLETELY understand! In the same exact situation here. OW got a FB page which she knew I would see and began posting lyrics such as Madness by Muse and 'if our love was tragedy why are you my clarity?'. It's been a year and she is still married to her H to top it off! I was upset and furious she would do that! Know what WH says? It's not really her fault because some people are addicted to a certain feeling and just can't let it go. Her addiction was the rush of the A and she apparently isn't capable of letting it go

I think it's a lot what Lucky says mostly. If he agrees the AP is a horrible selfish person, then what does that make them? This is the hardest part of acceptance for me. His latest line that cut? He doesn't believe she's a bad person. She was a good person who made a horrible mistake. Funny me thought a mistake was misfiguring the checkbook - not having an A with your best friend's H.


BW- Me 35 & WH- Him 38
OW- My BFF for 25 years
DDay- 6/28/12 Final truth- 7/28/12
“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”

Posts: 177 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

it's because the AP is often a mirror reflection of themselves while in the affair

This was very much FWH. And it made me


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
5yo GS & 18 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 4951 | Registered: May 2007
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

I think this is very common, especially in LTA's. My H couldn't say one bad thing about his AP. He of course was breaking NC. The first time because seh had a breast cancer scare Yah right. The next time, we are friends, you wouldn't want me to end a friendship with my other friends, would you?
But when he really defogged, and really started to heal himself, and understand the degree of pain he caused, he started to dislike her very much. This being her MO, bedding men that were in crisis when they came to her for advice (she was a D attorney)...He really had some unfavorable things to say about her.
I about did cartwheels in the front yard the first time that happened.
It takes time for them to really get it.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7790 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

I wonder if it has something to do with 'control'? My H was very similar. Now we don't speak about her, so there isn't anything to 'defend'. He's very clear that it wasn't 'her fault', even though she very clearly went far out of her way to seduce him. He takes full responsibility. He feels very much like he was the 'user' in their relationship. He also initially felt like he owed her an apology for having an affair with her and getting her pregnant. I think it comes a lot from the KISA types - they hate to be left at the end of the day feeling like their damsel was a dragon in disguise.

Maybe it has to do with having control over the interpretation of the A relationship. Maybe it's about saying, 'I was not a victim, I was not weak. I was in full control. I made a wrong choice, and I am prepared to pay for it.'

I have asked my H why he hasn't been angry at the OW - he said that to be angry at her he would have to care about her. He doesn't have any feelings about her at all. In many ways, I do think she was literally an object to him. She was a doll that talked and did whatever he asked and loved everything he did. She wasn't real. He feels badly about that now, so naturally he can't put any blame onto her. He totally used her, and it's healthy, I think, to feel remorse about that - even if it's what she wanted.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2013
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Sorry -- I forgot that this was the Recon forum Post removed for OW bashing. sorry.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 11:00 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 840 | Registered: Sep 2012
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

This is kind of hard to understand and may not make a lot of sense... the reason so many WS's "defend" the AP isn't because they think they are 'wonderful', it's because the AP is often a mirror reflection of themselves while in the affair.

I have come to see this point that Lucky posted. I do not remember if H ever stuck up for his OW. He tried not to talk about her at all because he said that that was his bad decision and now he was working to fix us. It took me so damn long to believe this.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 11:08 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Sorry Lucky....for some reason my quote thing didn't work right.


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

My wife defended the OM early on. I think it wasn't him she was defending so much as herself. At one point she even said "If he is such a [badword.. okay lets be real, long winded stream of insults firmly grounded in fact] then what does that make me?" I don't remember what I said, probably just looked at her, don't think I said "Duh" but it probably went through my head.

I think a WS that defends an OP is still hiding from the horrible shit they did and the stuff they need to work on. They may not even care about the OP but like lucky said, the OP is a reflection of what they did and how they acted. If they see the OP and those actions as repugnant then there's hard work ahead.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7341 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Runninggirl
Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

You all worded it much better than I was able to articulate it. Thank you.
Husband said today in MC,
"If I just trash her relentlessly, then you are going to think I have even less integrity than you already do"

He may be right about that. Not sure though.
I really wonder when I become
someone who is 'grieving' versus someone who just cannot get a grip
on my dignity. There has to be some sort of line drawn in the sand. Yelling a slew of curse words aimed at FOW out of nowhere cannot just go on forever. If H did join in, if I really thought about --it would be kind of gross. However, It would be a great help if he would acknowledge that she is selfish.



Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Honestly, I don't think I would want my H bad-mouthing the OW endlessly. It would probably make me feel like he wasn't taking responsibility. It does make sense what others have said about 'mirroring'. If the OW is so awful, then what was he attracted to? He maybe wants to save face somehow, by holding onto the idea that she was someone amazing, and 'no wonder he was tempted', or something like that. I don't know. I try not to think about it too often.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2013
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

My DD's dad got mad at me- he said that I was "confusing him" because on the one hand, I told him that he needed to take responsibility for his actions, and then on the other hand, I acted like OW was responsible. He claimed to have defended his OW's because he was attempting to take responsibility without blaming anyone but himself.

Of course, he was doing that in no other area, and he is not someone I can trust as far as I can throw, so be that as it may.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Control is at play here...certainly. WS believe they were in complete control....if not, I don't think they would engage in adultery.

Moreover, I think there is a process in play here.

First....defense of AP. Comes from the addiction of the affair (such a wonderful person trapped in an unloving marriage married to the wrong person), from the mirror affect, and from fear of conflict (both internal in their minds and external between their spouses). I have witnessed this first hand.

Next...hatred and disgust towards AP. Feeling "how dare they tempt them" and the feeling of being used ...and the start of the realization that all the justifications...ALL of them....were complete lies. Hatred towards AP allows fWS the luxury to falsely push some of their hurtful selfish actions onto their AP. I have witnessed this.

Third, they become none-emotional towards AP. this is when all involved get to a peace that enables stronger marriages to be born. This is when a fWS accepts the full brunt of their own choices. This is when true repentance and full remorse can start. I am hopeful I am correct in this phase of the process....but I have NOT witnessed this for myself.


How did I arrive at this idea? Through changing a specifically unhealthy part of my life...I watched myself to from thinking "it's not that bad" to "it's bad but this caused me to do that" only to end up at " crap...I did do that...it was so wrong...I accept i am the one and only to blame, I forgive myself....and NOW is the time to take productive, repeatable and strong actions to correct that which I did all on my own!"...

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:24 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

There is no pratically about it. While we were politely discussing his AP. I expressed my "kind" wishes for her and her life.

He said "While I heard she has breast cancer." He would not say who he heard this from.

My very un polite response was that I didn't give a sh*t and that it was just karma. I also told him I hopes she still get betrayed so she knows how I feel. He thinks I am just evil..

I don't believe you are reading to much into it. I want to know. How can they defend the AP even after years have gone by?


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Just last night we went back to the first night and that is what I heard from him and like you runningirl, it IRKED me and then infuriated me.

He wanted me to know that HE initiated it (which he already told me D-Day) and that he made going to her room sound "innocent" so that is why she likely agreed to it.

Is anyone else laughing?

Now let me give you the back drop pre-room suggestion so you can see just how innocent she was.

They spent the night drinking with a bunch of other conference people until the bar closes at 2am

They go to the party room with 20 others where the drinks continue and the two of them engage in "joking around". What do you mean by jokes? I asked. Would you tell those jokes with me around? He answers, No.

At 5am, they are both very drunk, he suggests they have another drink and talk in her room. She agrees totally unsuspecting I am sure!

He tries to kiss her in the room but "she would have none of that." He passed out there.

They had sex when he woke up. Apparently she had condoms in her purse ready to be unrolled.

Yeah...a real lady waits a solid 5-7 hours before having sex.

He has said many x over that he is repulsed by his behavour. That he is not trying to paint her as innocent. But yeah. It does seem to me like he is protecting her and I have heard enough.

[This message edited by LA44 at 3:59 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2106 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

My husband did that with the first OW. It was all him. She was a good person. Blah, blah, blah.

I asked him:
1. Did she know you were married?
2. Did she know you have children with your spouse?
4. Did she pursue a relationship by calling, emailing, coming to see you despite knowing the above?
3. Did you discuss the way your family would feel if they found out?


Yes to any of those questions means that she is not the good person he wants to believe she is and she DID do something wrong. The fact that she didn't take vows with me simply means that she's the only one who didn't break promises. It does NOT mean that she is innocent. And, unfortunately for my husband, he was able to answer yes to every question.

Good people do not have affairs with married people. The only way I would allow the "she was innocent" defense is if he had lied to her about his relationship status. And, if at any time after being lied to about the status, she found out the truth and continued the relationship, any defense she had for her actions is gone.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3931 | Registered: Sep 2005
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

My H does not bash the OW, but has nothing good to say about her. Doesn't blame her, although says that she made it obvious she was available. He says that he never respected or loved her, eventually found her annoying and did not enjoy being around her, that she was needy, demanding and very insecure. But he always says that he was as "fucked up" as she was.

He never felt badly about the way he treated her because he didn't respect her. He also realizes it was never about her, she was just easy.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

My WS protected the OM at first too. She would talk about his family or friends like we were talking about the neighbors, or someone we go to church with. She knew what had happened but "so and so is a good kid and has a lot of potential". It was like I became part of some new family unit, one I wanted no part of.

I knew attacking the OM would be pure folly. He was her White Knight and was taking her away from all her troubles... and reality! You can't fight fiction and you can't kill a martyr.

Obfuscation and obliteration was my only solution. I had to make it like the OM did not exist. I did not mention the OM in any way, shape or form for a month or so. I had enough dirt on him to show what his lies really were. The kind of person he really was and not just some charade out of whole cloth. I then dropped all the information I had accumulated about the OM to my WS. She knew it was a fantasy but an addicting one. I then how to show her the addicting agent was toxic. A two time looser with felony convictions. She then did some searching and found out what I said was true. His time in a hospital was really time in prison. As a matter of fact, he got popped by local police again on 08-08-13.

I now treat him like an enemy nation during the Cold War. Try to keep what little intelligence I can maintain but not let it consume my other resources... or me!


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Well said Tearsoflove!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2106 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

My WH never said a bad thing about her post A. He did pre A which makes me wonder why he had the A

Everytime I bring her up he says it brings back all the feelings of the initial days of DDay and he wants to just forget about her.

I guess the main reason I want to hear him say something bad about her is because he would say bad things about me to her with no problem.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Great, to the point questions tearsoflove...very reality-inducing.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
millienotboo
Member
Member # 22415
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

I asked my h if he'd think I was a good person if I came home and kissed him with some other guys d$@& on my breath. (Read that here a long time ago) Don't know and don't care if it struck a note with him....I had answered my own question.


M-8 yrs together 11
Me-45 BW
Him-49-WH
D-Day 10-10-2008
In R

Posts: 754 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: South
myheadreallyhurt
Member
Member # 36424
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

My WH did this for months. He even defended her when she had him arrested (she was really drunk, he says). He doesn't do it at all anymore. He knows deep down that she isn't a good person and in that he also recognizes for that period, neither was he. His best friend from childhood even texted him a few months back and said something to the effect of, " I'm really worried about you. You need to get OW out of your life. Ever since she's been in the picture you aren't the person that I know. She's destroyed your life and hurt your family. You need to be with them and get back on track." I think that was a huge 2x4 for him to realize that she just wasn't at all what he thought she was.


"See that no one repays another evil with evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another"

Posts: 133 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Good people do not have affairs with married people.

AMEN, tearsoflove!!!

That sums it up perfectly.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
5yo GS & 18 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 4951 | Registered: May 2007
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

My WH actually said that he doesn't think OW was devious or diabolical. He said she didn't do anything.

Ummm...yeah right. She flirted with him and played heavily on his sympathies. He is so dumb. He doesn't realize that women KNOW THIS SHIT and use it all the time with men. He doesn't like when I say he was played like a fiddle. Why? Because then that would mean he IS dumb. I agree. The reason they defend is to defend their judgement.

Since dday, I have stalked the OW on fb. I have showed him pics of things she has done that are wacky. I cannot even post them here without possibly calling her out because they are so outlandish for a professional women in her 30's.

He has looked at some of the pictures and he doesn't say anything. I think because he realizes what it says about him.

It really hits home that the only thing you know about a person is what they present to you. OW has an alter ego. Frankly, I think he is embarrassed.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1412 | Registered: Jun 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Husband said today in MC,
"If I just trash her relentlessly, then you are going to think I have even less integrity than you already do"

That bothers me. If this is all he says about his integrity, he seems to be saying he worries about you perceive his integrity, not about how he perceives himself - and his integrity is an issue for him, not for you. To me, actually being honest is way more important than whether or not someone else thinks I'm honest.

I would feel better about your sitch if he had said something like

"If I just trash her relentlessly, then I will think I have even less integrity than I already do."

My W says it took several months for her to admit she had an A - she knew she did something wrong, but her 'relationship' was special. It took weeks for her to begin to see how manipulative ow was. It took months for her to accept that ow actually blackmailed her.

What my W thought may be different from protecting ow, but I think these ways of thinking are all closely related. If it's a special relationship, not an A, both aps get some exoneration. If ow is a good person, both aps get some exoneration.

My guess is that your is still dodging responsibility for what he's done. Maybe he's slow; maybe he's stuck.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9735 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
niaveone
Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

WS did the same thing the first time around. OW made herself out to be a dedicated housewife whose husband was a serial cheater, verbal abuser, control freak. While I can't attest to the last two things, I *can* say they were actually in a open marriage and she had relationships as much as he did. WS had no idea about this and when he found out about it, he secretly thought it was her husband spreading lies about her and he *really knew her* and knew she wouldn't do that sort of thing. He defended her because he felt bad for the "lies" being spread about her and he blamed himself for it all.

It was after he got back with her the second time, asked her about the *lies*, to which, kudos to her, she came clean on and admitted that they did have an open relationship and she did have multiple partners throughout her marriage. WS was floored. He said it made him sick to put himself back into that position with a person he *thought* he knew, but really didn't. To walk away from a spouse who was loyal to someone that was empty. She claimed he was different than the rest. She claimed she fell in love with him and that was the difference and what broke up her marriage. She claimed she did it because her husband did it first and she wanted to reclaim that "wanted" feeling that was lacking. Kudos to her for being truthful to my WS. I think she thought if things were going to work with him, she had to come clean, but by coming clean it woke up WS to how seedy and dirty of a life he made for himself. Thanks OW.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 16 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 193 | Registered: Aug 2013
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

It's just turned from a PA to an EA.

That is all. Perhaps he needs to re-read "not just friends."

Tell him that there can be no contact whatsoever in order for you to feel safe with him.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 10:10 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Everyone -

There is to be no venting about the OP in this forum.

If it continues to be a vent we'll be forced to move it to General.

Thank you.


Posts: 33738 | Registered: Mar 2011
mindbody
Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Yes, I have heard (through the years) words and comments from WSO that are defensive of OW. Rather than feeling

It is beyond irksome.

I now feel it's a sign or red flag that WSO isn't "there" yet. The thought processes that allow defending OP in any way don't seem indicative of accepting the magnitude nor the responsibility of both of their choices.

I understand the "goal" of indifference rather than hate or love and I can see why it's a process. Getting there requires time and effort on the W's end as well as the B's.

I do think WSO is defending himself when he is defending OW. He does blame himself more.


Statements I used to hear: "OW didn't think we were getting along. We weren't living together", etc. That kind of defending is a warning of wayward thinking. OW was no stranger to me and everyone in this community believed WSO and I were a couple.

Then why is he so damn protective of her.

Your FWS may be the defensive type about everything, like WSO. He's making an effort to change that now. Being defensive about OP is not a good time for a W to fall back on defensive coping mechanisms.

There's a big difference in today and D-Day in how he used to defend OW. Reading the printed posts on SI has helped him.

IMO, in some cases, it can take a lot of time to truly understand, accept and believe that your OP was capable of everything that you didn't want to believe about them. And it can take a lot of time to accept responsibility for everything you did to put yourself in this position to have A. If you are being truthful with yourself, there's no reason to defend.


Posts: 298 | Registered: Mar 2010
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

OW was a family friend, she even babysat our kids. During the 3 year A he never had a good thing to say about her. OW was the same about him. She would tell me over and over how she didn't like WH and didn't know I put up with him. Just goes to show you
Cheaters are liars.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

My H defended the MCOW, saying she was a good person. I finally snapped and said, she is NOT a good person, she's married and had an affair with a married man, which she is not giving up despite her claims to the contrary.

Well then, said the H, I guess that means I'm not a good person either. Said with heavy sarcasm, and that annoying smirk that means he thinks he's won.

Me, calmly: correct, neither of you is a good person, or at least not as long as you think there was nothing wrong with your "friendship." Glad you figured it out.

(I hope this doesn't count as a vent -- I really did work hard to make it less stabby!)


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 840 | Registered: Sep 2012
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

It really hits home that the only thing you know about a person is what they present to you. OW has an alter ego. Frankly, I think he is embarrassed.

You talking about me, Brokensmile? Sadly, you could be. And learning just how much I allowed myself to be deluded by my xAP (and more importantly myself), when the fog finally cleared, was my JustDesserts...

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 3:31 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Topic Posts: 36