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User Topic: I need some SI support,
Thelastknight
Member
Member # 21851
Helpless  Posted: 3:56 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

There is no secret that I love my children beyond the describable words that are often used. On May 13, 2004 my life was forever changed. With the birth of my son I went from being a man to becoming a father. What a scary time. I remember the first day alone with him. I stared at him for hours. However I vowed that I would do everything in my power to be the best father I could be. After a few days it became routine. I witnessed all the milestones, giggles, holding his bottle, rolling over, crawling, walking, his first tooth, deep belly laughs to his first words.
By the time his sister showed up in March 30, 2007, I was a pro a rearing infants. It was more of the same. However it was very familiar, but diffrent. It was amazing watching these babies grow. Witnessing the milestones was really exciting. I miss the deep belly laughs from DS. Her babbling was done as if though she was singing. I remember her first steps, her first tooth. Rolling over and then screaming because she was scared.
While going through the divorce things stayed pretty much the same for the three of us. We stuck to our routine, which probably saved my sanity. I will admit these were hard time but I had a strong support network in place. Seems everyone was willing to help out. I have a wonderful family from the marriage and one I was born into and some really great friends who were there to listen, lend a hand, and offer support. Thank you!
So now comes the time when both my kids will be in School all day. Iím not ready for this change. I openly admit I have had some serious tunnel vision when it comes to my children. Truth be told I donít like being away from them. Itís been kids and work, kids and work, kids and work for almost 10 years. Shit, I feel like I worked myself out of a job, out of a routine that I have enjoyed, even though I went without much needed sleep.
Now Iím questioning myself on where I went wrong, what I should have done different. Maybe I should have been more flexible on my convictions.
Regardless, big changes are coming. At this time Iím not even certain on how much contact I will have with my children. The parenting plan is changing and this brings some uneasiness to my life.
However I struggle, because I really donít know who I am or how I got to this point. I feel as if I have been isolated from the rest of the world, and in an instance a gate will open to a once familiar world, that no longer resembles what I have known. This alone creates confusion. Itís hard to explain how Iím feeling. My emotions are bouncing between uncertainty and pure chaos, with no distinction between the two.

[This message edited by Thelastknight at 3:28 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Reformed BS 39 xWW 34
Two kids 5 and 2


Posts: 948 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NW
JessicaFL127
Member
Member # 26864
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

You will be okay, you will adjust to this change just like the others and it will become part of your routine. Change is scary, but part of life.

You and your kidlets will be just fine.


BW,32
divorced for 6 years
mom to two awesome boys,10 and 9

"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more" -Cath, DCFC

"The most amazing things can come from some terrible lies"


Posts: 1244 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Missouri
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

First, if you have an IC, I would suggest a visit to help you sort through what you are feeling. Change is always a little scary.

Second, as a SAHM, I totally understand where part of your identity comes from being a parent. As they grow and change, we as parents have to grow and change too.

Having them away from me is hard, but I know, "big picture" it is best for them. I view my "job" as a parent is to teach them the skills to be great adults. Wether they are with their Dad, or at school, or at soccer, or whenever they are not physically with me, I know they are gaining skills for their future...not mine.

Being a good parent is hard.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3616 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Is homeschooling a possibility? My children & I loved homeschooling with a passion, so much so that they insisted I do a "lite" version of it over this summer break. We are all dreading school starting up again. We genuinely like spending our days together learning & just being a family unit.

Last year I had to put my kids in school and be separated from them for the first time. It killed me. I'm dreading it again. I found ways to keep myself busy, but I found myself watching the clock until I could get my kids at the end of the school day. This is quite possibly my biggest resentment of STBX, that his inability to be a decent human being has robbed me (and the children!) of a life together and a decent education.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Gently...please don't be a helicopter parent. Let your kids grow and play and make new friends. Let them experience all of life's riches and a lot of life's hardships--all of this will shape them and help them to become the best adult they can be.

You too need to grow. Get out; spend time with other adults; make new friends; enjoy the world. You deserve this.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19181 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Hey there-- my youngest is headed off to K this fall, so I know how you feel. I was a SAHM for six years (from the time my eldest was born, just a month before your son, actually), and I have worked part-time for the past three years. This fall, my part-time position will be less part-time since the kids will all be in school, and my heart aches because for the past nine years, I've had a little one at home with me for at least half of the school day. Next year, we'll all be gone all day, and although I know we'll be fine, it's just a huge milestone that is very bittersweet for me.

Do some nice things for yourself-- I'm going to join a choir, get back into some form of exercise, start working on my hobbies again, and focusing more on me again since the kids will be less of a focus. It will be good training as they get older, and I have to get used to being on my own.

You can do it. It will be okay. It's just a temporary, albeit scary, adjustment.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3403 | Registered: Oct 2011
Thelastknight
Member
Member # 21851
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

My biggest fear is my XWW now wants the parenting schedule to go to every other weekend with me. In our decree it is stated as so because State law prohibits 50/50 custody awards unless both parents agree. She just doesn't even want to talk about making any changes. Makes me sick!


"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Reformed BS 39 xWW 34
Two kids 5 and 2


Posts: 948 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NW
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

I would fight that if I were you. It sounds to me like you are and have been a very active parent in your kids' lives. What is your parenting schedule like right now?


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3403 | Registered: Oct 2011
Thelastknight
Member
Member # 21851
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

My schedule is every weekend over night until monday at 3pm then visitation on Tuesday and Wednesday from 645am to 3pm. And then Thursdays from 645am to 3pm. The Thursday was thrown in for her convenience. Around 47%


"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Reformed BS 39 xWW 34
Two kids 5 and 2


Posts: 948 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NW
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

You have them almost 50% of the time, and she wants to reduce you to EOW?

Oh hell no!

I can't tell you what to do, and I don't know what your financial resources are like, but if I were in your shoes, I would fight that. This isn't just about you-- it's about your kids. Like I said before, it sounds like you're a pretty involved dad, so it's not only going to hurt you, but it's going to hurt them.

Can you discuss this with your L? Why would any court of law change the parenting plan like this unless you were somehow a danger to your children or were no longer available for that kind of time due to your job? It seems to me like a precedent has been set, and sticking with it would be in the best interest of the children.

Sending you strength for the days ahead...


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3403 | Registered: Oct 2011
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Revenge  Posted: 6:57 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

I'd petition to have your time sharing with the kids stay the same as it is now.


Posts: 4610 | Registered: Dec 2009
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

As long as you can accommodate their to and from school, etc., I would consider petitioning for a change to a closer to 50/50 arrangement. It might be different if you didn't already have that arrangement, but you do.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4160 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Thelastknight
Member
Member # 21851
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

I have hired an attorney. I have been financially responsible for the last five years so I have the $$$. This shit doesn't make sense to me. typical for her though. Im gonna need some mojo. I think she has been served.


"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Reformed BS 39 xWW 34
Two kids 5 and 2


Posts: 948 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NW
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Glad to hear you are fighting this, knight. Sending you strength!


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22672 | Registered: Aug 2011
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Mojo on its way, knight. Keep us posted .

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
BrokenSpirit50
Member
Member # 34485
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

TLK You write from the heart and I can feel your emotion and connection with your babes. I don't have much advice but sending you much Mojo.


Me BS 54
Him WH 55
M 32 yrs - together 40 yrs
Kids 0
D-Day 12-18-11 (WH didn't want to R)
Divorced 6-21-12 Done!

If the grass is greener on the other side....water your own lawn.


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Midwest
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Sending mojo! I hope it goes your way!


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4661 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 17