|Just Found Out|
Member # 40134
| Posted: 10:24 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)|
I just want to know why? Like why her? Why now? Why?
I hate that I can't move on but it is easy for him. I just want to know WHY?
Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 39996
| Posted: 10:33 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)|
Understanding and appreciating what was really not working in our marriage has helped me understand why. I don't think a WS can actually put into words why. WHY is a combination of a whole bunch of things and the sooner you get down to digging and finding them, internalizing them, accepting your part in some of them, and appreciating that things were obviously not right even when you thought they were.....that's when you slowly get to start understanding the why.
I do not know your whole story so please don't think I am generalizing. I do understand there are several people here who have spouses who have problems that have nothing to do with their marriage at all. The addicts, the deviant personalities of spouses who get sick thrills out of A's ....... their whys are very very different.
I hope you eventually get to understand the why in your own personal situation.
Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Member # 40208
| Posted: 10:36 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)|
Why? I know, I've asked that a lot too. I know why. We were disconnected. It still doesn't excuse it.
He affaired down, they normally do. A woman who fucks with a married man is the lowest of the low. And in my case she was also nothing special to look at. Thank god! lol
He liked that she talked to him and listened to him. He felt something he hadn't in a long time. It stimulated him he said. Thank god he never LOVED her. She loved him. That fucking hurts. He basically used her for his own selfish needs. It's ugly shit.
BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10
Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
Member # 40141
| Posted: 11:08 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)|
I am currently struggling with the why question as well. I know we had issues and he says he felt that he couldn't talk to me, but I don't think that is a good reason. I am his wife, he can always talk to me whether he thinks he can or not. You don't seek that from someone else outside your marriage.
M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D
Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Member # 40234
| Posted: 11:10 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)|
Painfuljourney is 1000% right 2004, this is how it has been for me and my WS. OW sent him a photo of herself in lingerie; red lingerie (not a fan, sorry if you are), gross cheap and tacky just like her. We have actually been able to laugh about this- together, which is huge IMO. He likes black, but then she doesn't know him like I do, she never would have, she never did.
He affaired down for sure, the dirty dogs always do. He did not love any of them (yes, multiple - 2 affairs, 2 ONS), and the one he just ended it with (which is actually the same one he STARTED with oddly enough) was actually visibly upset when he told her it was over. (Yes, this made me very, very happy to know she felt pain, as awful as that sounds). Need to read my Dalai Lama book some more today I think:)
This leads me to believe she did have feelings for him, but he did not have any feelings for her except using her body. She didn't anticipate I guess that he still loved me. Sex does not equal love, why does no one get that???
WS and I were completely disconnected, this created an ideal place for an A to begin. This does not excuse him in any way, he made a choice. We realize this now in MC, we were not communicating at all and completely taking each other for granted, but the A's are still 1000% on him, he knows that.
Our goal this past week (DDay 1 week ago today) is to talk every day (for hours),tell each other please and thank you, tell each other that we love each other (this has been very painful for me, I still love the bastard but have not forgiven him). He hugs me, he holds me and vice versa. It's am intimacy that he never had with his A's. It seems so stupid, he had his revelation a few nights ago. "Why the hell did I do what I did? Why didn't/couldn't I just tell you what I wanted?" I really think it's because as a society we want a quick fix. We look for easy solutions but the A's were not a solution, he knows that now. He was being purely selfish.
I look at sex with an A or ONS as fast food; it seems like a good idea at the time, fast, easy, convenient. It tastes pretty good too, but a few hours later, you feel disgusting. You are full, but not satisfied. It will satiate your hunger for a while, but it will not sustain you. You will crave it more and more until you don't want it anymore, but it's too late, you are hooked on this repeated behavior.
You have rationalized it to yourself "It's not a big deal, it's only hurting me". But you know deep down it isn't good anymore like that first time. And nothing is as good as a home cooked meal.'Nuff said
DDay # 1, Aug 7, 2013
DDay #2, Oct 30, 2013
Married(if you can call it that):12 years in November
Together since 1998, thought I knew him
"You can try to suck me dry, but there's nothing left to suck"
Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 40134
| Posted: 10:22 AM, August 15th (Thursday)|
It's nice to know that I am not alone with wanting to know so much more. I just want to scream sometimes at the top of my lungs just because.
I hate looking at him on his phone and wonder what he is doing or why? I hate this lingering feelings and not moving on. Sometimes I just want to run away from it all, then I see our daughter and realize I can't. I want too so bad!
Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 40274
| Posted: 11:24 AM, August 15th (Thursday)|
Hi, I was asking myself the same thing. I didn't get it. Why did you tell me like you did? Why after 1.5 years, why now? What did she bring to the party? Same questions.
I was reading a lot of stuff online and on this site and then I paraphrased those things plus my own feelings into this letter. I sent this letter to his "girlfriend" and something similar to him. Keep in mind I met her, she came into my house and met me as the wife of his friend. Also, she was in an "open marraige" and her husband, who left her 1 week before my husband dropped his bomb- thus that is the reason for the timing. She was free and he wanted to be free. He still won't admit he had a plan (however poorly executed) but he did have a reason.
I just kept asking and asking and asking the same why questions over email/text until he finally answered me. I had to ask about 10 times but I got to the truth eventually however discusting it was.
Here is my letter:
There was a man who felt bad about himself.
He needed an ego boost, someone to be attracted to him, to make him feel good about himself.
To fill a gap in his life.
You said you could "add" something special to his life. Enlighten him, Fulfill him in ways he needed.
Introduce him to a fantasy world where he gets everything he wants
That gap however is in his soul, the gap is how worthless he feels about himself
You thought you had the best of him, but really you were accepting the worst of him.
His lies, his deception, his neediness
To fill the horrible gap in yourself, you were searching for something too
Something your "enlightened" lifestyle doesn't and won't ever provide you
You fool yourself into thinking you are strong and secure; but inside you feel worthless, unlovable, weak, pathetic
I asked him what you "Added" to his life exactly and he couldn't answer it
you are weak and injured and selfish and narsisstic and stupid
the only one with worse self esteem than him is you
I could see it in your eyes when you had the sick need to come into my house to meet me
You came to size me up
But when you left, you knew and I knew the pecking order,
you don't compare to me, you knew I was a better woman than you would ever be
And maybe then was the moment you realized how pathetic and cheap and typical your affair was
He doesn't really love you
It was sex and excitement and neediness and trying to fill your mutual insecurity
And If you truly loved him, you wouldn't have let him risk the rest of his life
Now the life he knew was over
And the life you knew was over
You might think you will have a life with him because he can't repair what he did to our family
But he will only realize how he horribly he traded down with you
and resent you and hate you for all he lost
And then you both have nothing
but especially you
Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...
Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Member # 38790
| Posted: 12:15 PM, August 15th (Thursday)|
Because it made them feel good. Because they can, because they did. Because they are broken and weak.
BECAUSE THEY ARE SELFISH
Why her? Because she is the same and worse. She was the only one with amoral values, low self-esteem, and low-self confidence to go after someone else's man. She was not good enough to get her own. So they run around feeding off the weaknesses that every relationship and human being has.
But, you are better than them both. You deserve better than this. You can still hold your head up high with dignity. You can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of being a better person. Even if you feel shattered.
They will always have the black stain of infidelity on their souls.
[This message edited by hopefulmother at 12:33 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.
Posts: 918 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
|Topic Posts: 8|| |