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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: therapy
MelisssaZZZ
Member
Member # 25953
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

So, the father of the decade is 'concerned' about our dd's behaviour. She 4 yrs old, attends pre-school, will start reception this september.

so, his concerns are that she gets irritated, upset, throws a tantrum if she is not succesful at something. for example she would try to put on her dress herself and if that does not work with lets say 3rd try she starts crying. in the mean time she refuses help as she wants to do this herself.

also, i belive he 'provokes' her in a way. for example he insists her always saying - can i PLEASE have lets say a pencil. So if she is drawing she has to ask like this for every pencil she uses - like 10 times..

in the mean time he himself uses her pencils without asking in the same manner.

so now he is concerned about her behaviour and has arranged visit to child therapist.

I believe i have very well behaved child (in pre school the teachers (without protmt) told me that my DD is best behaved child in the class on various occasions - she always gets praises for her behaviour and indeed she is well behaved). Sure there are tears sometimes and yes she gets irritated. but its like he expect this mature perfection from her (in the same time him himself is acting much more like a spoiled child than her).

so... we are visiting child therapist today and he will voice his concerns. what should i say? that he is lunatic and that i have very well behaved kid??

any advice on diplomatic language is very welcome!


Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 5yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
chikastuff
Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

I am a strong believer in therapy. Unless he's hoping to use it nefariously, it can only help your daughter. I do think her behavior is totally normal and she's expressing herself in an age appropriate manner. He needs to understand that she's a child and does not have the coping skills or self control to conduct herself like an adult. Therapy will hopefully help your ex to understand what's developmentally appropriate and normal vs what's not and the therapist will probably suggest techniques and communication styles to better parent your daughter.

I would go into this with an open mind. Ask to attend the sessions (at least the first few) and observe and to get to know the therapist as well. Yes your ex is hiring the therapist, but they're your child's therapist and will work for your child's best interest.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
chikastuff
Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Also, refrain from calling your ex names. Just clearly state that you've gone through a divorce and tell her your custody/visitation situation. She'll be able to put two and two together and see that the behavior issues are due to her father leaving and being an inconsistent parental figure. Just in case your ex wants to use this against you in the future it would be in your best interest to act calm and rational and focus on your daughter, not focus on his parenting skills. Perhaps view the therapist as an advocate, she can get you BOTH parenting in a way that's cooperative and conducive to raising a caring and well adjusted child.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
MelisssaZZZ
Member
Member # 25953
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

thanks :).

incosistant parent figure - good term. just looking for a diplomatic way of saying that the only person who has behavioural issues is xWH..

but, will try to extract some good out of it - parental tips/ expectations etc.

btw - this is just another of xwh stunts to make him feel like he is good parent.. if only it would be so easy..


Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 5yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
chikastuff
Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Well in this instance he is being a good parent. I think all children would benefit from having an objective third party to talk to during a conflict-filled time like this. And it's a real adjustment. Your DD feels safe to be herself with you, she likely doesn't feel understood when she's at her dads, and she's probably pretty angry. If the therapist thinks she's adjusting well and doesn't need the help, then they will tell you pretty quickly and you guys can proceed from there.

You really need to try and put your animosity towards him and his parenting on the back burner during this.Whether he's trying to look like a good parent or not, he's identified an area they need help in and is asking for help.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Since everyone else is giving you the responsible replies: what a fucking boob! She's four! But I bet if she were questioned about adultery, her response would be, "What kind of immature arsehole would do that?"

But yeah. What everyone else said.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1983 | Registered: Jan 2013
MelisssaZZZ
Member
Member # 25953
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, August 16th (Friday)

UPDATE

so went to the therapy session.

had to go through all the family history stuff, affair stuff etc etc. and what we want to get out of this.. so he want on for his concerns on DDs behaviour. I said i was there to learn to be better parent and to see what is epxtected/ normal at this age and how to help DD to grow :)

and omg - she saw through him pretty quickly.

and explained that these meldowns and frustrations are very normal for her age - this is maturing process.

And that HE should be learning from DD (rather then trying to prevent those) to express frustrations and push back rather then keep it in and then do serious mess. That DD does not do serious mess just because she is healthily expressing herself in controry to him and that is a good thing..

i was giggling (inside of course) for a long time..

so, she will see us after few weeks to see if his 'concerns' persist - and thinks she does not need to see DD, as she sounds like well adjusted and succesful kid :)

i am so glad it is all so visible for 3rd party!

And, i now also understood his motive.

he asked whether it is good for DD to 3 of use to spend time togteher (I have always refused, in order not to give false hopes to DD)... and he has been asking quite a bit for it..

[This message edited by MelisssaZZZ at 5:23 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 5yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, August 16th (Friday)

SWEET!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1983 | Registered: Jan 2013
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, August 16th (Friday)

Just catching this... and got to read the problem and the result in one go -

You rock Mom!!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
chikastuff
Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 16th (Friday)

So glad it worked in your favor!!


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 10