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Reconciliation
User Topic: Should we write a NC letter?
HopefullyLost09
New Member
Member # 40252
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

So WH said "goodbye" to OW before he came home from his training where he had the A. In fact the text I saw on the messages preview screen was "goodbye Desiree" which gave it all away. He says he was ready to move on and put it behind him and dedicate himself to me again before I found out. I do believe him. After dday I found out OW was also married and decided to write her husband and let him know about the affair. Soon after that OW texted H saying "thanks alot, now my CoC (chain of command) knows and I'm in deep shit". Etc etc. H barely responded just saying "my wife didn't tell your CoC" (which she accused me of)... Since then there has been NC but that was only a few weeks ago. We have been doing pretty well in the recovery/reconciliation process

Is it too late to write a NC letter? Is it even necessary at this point? Is a NC just saying "Hey don't ever contact either of us or anyone we know? Or can/should it be more than that (like H telling her how he really feels and what really happened)

I guess part of me wants to make sure she knows she never had a chance with him. That he felt pity on her emotional wrecked ass, had no true feelings for her, and regrets every part of it to the core. I guess it just makes me writhe inside to think that she is out there somewhere thinking that they had something special and that he loved her or cared for her when really he was just scared she was going to cut her wrists...

ugh

[This message edited by HopefullyLost09 at 5:38 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]


Me: BS - 26
Him: WS - 26
3 kids: 6, 3, and 1
D-Day - 07/12/13
R-Day - 07/22/13

One day, one emotion at a time... Together.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NC
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Absolutely he needs to write a NC email..he writes it..and you send it..so you know it went out unaltered.

It's best to keep it short and to the point..he doesn't need to share his feeling with her about *anything.* Why make her feel important? Even if it's just to tell her his negative feelings about her and the affair. She will get the message when he honors NC.

OW,

Do not contact me ever again,in any way. I am committed to my wife and my marriage. Any further attempts at contact will result in my attorney filing for a restraining order.

WH

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:53 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7427 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SecondHelping
Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

My fWW never wrote a NC letter, but emailed him saying "Hubby just found out and stormed off. Don't contact me on this email".

This was almost a year ago and I'm fairly certain there hasn't been any contact since then. I'm not pushing for a NC letter but what do you think?


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 487 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

2nd H,
i can see where that 'NC' leaves a litle to be desired (it sounds like "we got caught. . .catcha later!" However, I would not send another one at this point, it cracks the door.

So, live well, love each other and let the AP recede into the past. What they think doesn't ultimately matter anyway.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:57 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1962 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
HopefullyLost09
New Member
Member # 40252
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Hmm I see your point. Maybe we can come up with one that we can send if she ever dies contact him. Not even respond to whatever she might say but just say don't ever contact me again. Shrug.


Me: BS - 26
Him: WS - 26
3 kids: 6, 3, and 1
D-Day - 07/12/13
R-Day - 07/22/13

One day, one emotion at a time... Together.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NC
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

JMO - I would alter confused615's wording slightly:

This is the last time I will contact you. I am committed to my wife and my marriage. Please do not contact me ever again, in any way. Any further attempts at contact may result in my attorney filing for a restraining order.

I suggest this wording because your H doesn't have the power to order ow not to contact him.

Making a request and outlining the consequences of not complying is IMO a lot more powerful than issuing an order that she can easily disobey just by hitting 'reply'. I use 'may' WRT calling your lawyer because in actuality you probably won't do that unless she persists in trying to contact you (i.e. several times).

Of course, if she does hit reply, ignore her e-mail, and if she does persist, call a lawyer.

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:51 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10094 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
HopefullyLost09
New Member
Member # 40252
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I see your point


Me: BS - 26
Him: WS - 26
3 kids: 6, 3, and 1
D-Day - 07/12/13
R-Day - 07/22/13

One day, one emotion at a time... Together.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NC
Card
Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

IMO, based on what you've said, a N/C letter should definitely be sent. And no, It's never too late to send one.

I always recommend something like what I sent;

(From the book, Surviving An Affair, page 58)

OW,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my W and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that my W did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay W for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

IMO, your H shouldn't give any other details, as they are not necessary.

BTW, Kuddos to you for disclosing the A to the OW's H. He had every right to know.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 8