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User Topic: Wife's EA with a teenager... lots of details.
ItsNotYouitsMe
New Member
Member # 40325
Concerned  Posted: 11:12 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Sorry about the length, writing this out is actually helping me deal with it, thank you for your support, this happened over this last month, It involves a 16 year old boy, our church, and fireworks.

Here is how it all came undone. It was the 4th of July, we were watching fireworks and I had at the time our shared galaxy phone. As the fireworks are going off, the phone buzzes in my pocket and its a text from a boy in my wife's youth group. I should probably fill you in, she was / still is a youth leader in our local church, teenage, high school age kids. So the text read "where are you?". Maybe he sent it to the wrong person. But after a couple minutes another... "I am here." "Here" I assumed was at the fireworks show.

This wasn't my light bulb moment, you know, the moment when every little thing you have noticed but passed off as nothing comes together like a puzzle and finally you see the whole picture (that picture being your spouse giving of themselves to another, whether physically or emotionally, maybe both.) My light bulb moment came later that night, when I had time to sort through all these events and finally something clicked. You see, my wife had an ipod that I had nothing to do with. It was completely hers, I didn't touch it. Partly because I used Android and Apple was foreign to me, I didn't know anything about Facetime and ichat or an apple id, apple email.

So here I am lying in bed, by myself, a little background, my wife ever night would say goodnight, and go downstairs and have her "me" time. With 3 kids I didn't complain much, as long as she spent some time talking to me about her day and we said goodnight, I was content. I would rather us be in bed together, but I work early and expecting her to be in bed by 9pm isn't practical.

So I am lying there, thinking about events, early that day and the last couple months... just that day we had a group of friends over, including this teenage boy and his parents. During one part of the evening, I went to look for my wife and found her in the kitchen with this boy, alone, both just staring at me- silent. Once again, it was strange, but not clicking still, was I in denial maybe?

In previous months she had invited him over, you see he played the guitar and my wife sings. She told me they were going to record a CD together and asked if him coming over in the evenings for a week was OK. I agreed it was fine, coming home from work though, he would already be at my house, then I would cook dinner for us all. I tried not to think too much into it. Then she was going to his parents house, to finish up songs. I asked if his parents were home and she assured me they were. It was all so weird to me, my 33 year old wife, singing, hanging out with a 16 year old boy. But my mind couldn't even imagine that she was giving herself emotionally over to him, we had been doing great, everything was great in our marriage, 12 years, 3 kids, great church, she stayed at home with the kids... and a 16 year boy, NO, I can't be thinking these things. And she would assure me, it's OK....it's just this, it's just that... it's OK, we're just """friends""".

I was fighting the "click", really, I didn't want to break our trust, little did I know she was breaking it daily with a youth from our church.

Back to the 4th of July, the night it wasn't going to be a secret no more. Lying in bed for about an hour, giving her, her "me" time. I got up, went downstairs quickly and saw her on her ipod, normally I could care less, but this time I pressed. Who are you talking to I asked... She said his name. I said its 10 at night, what is there to talk about with him this late? She said he had a question. This was her typical response when I asked what was talked about... I was smarter this time, I said let me see your ipod, she gave it to me. I told her I am keeping this and I am going to find out what you have been talking about. She for the most part didn't say much, she was probably wondering how much I could find out, after all, she deleted everything. I asked her why is everything deleted, no chats, no emails, no calls. She told me she just wanted to keep the memory clean. I kept silent.

You see, I knew something she didn't as well as many other ipod owners out there. When you delete something, it really isn't deleted, you can recover about a weeks worth of chats, calls, emails, etc... maybe more. But right away, you can go to the spotlight search if it hasn't been synced and spotlight search will show you text, etc. with the keyword you type even though it has been deleted. Its still indexed for searching but it can't be opened from the search, just previewed.

Well, I typed in my name. Then a number a text to this boy pop up, they were talking about me, sometimes joking about me. I couldn't read it all cause its just a preview, but I knew it wasn't good things. Then I typed in something I didn't want to see...Love. 100's of text pop up, from him to her, her to him, xoxo, love you, can't wait to facetime, can't wait to see you, every night, every day, while at work, while she was away. I searched hot, cute, flirt... all came up with chats, she said he was cute, he said he flirted with her, said she was attractive. It was enough, I knew now everything I thought, was correct. My warnings to her, my concerns were true, it has happened, she began and was connecting with this boy on a very deep level.

This whole time she was just standing there, not saying anything as I searched these keywords. I would ask why did you say these things, she started making excuses. It was out of friendship, or he was hurting that day, I was wanting to make him feel better, I am his youth leader, I wanted to just help him. She was trying to tell me it wasn't nothing and these text were just out of context, nothing was going on. At the same time, she was apologizing and telling me it won't happen again. It was getting very late, we called it a night and I kept her ipod bring it to work the next day.

I get to work the next day, having a desk job, I was able to download and run some ipod recovery software. Ask and I will tell you what I used, it was free to scan and preview everything it could recover and that's all I needed to do. After installing itunes, syncing, and then running the recovery software, it recovers over 3000 of the last text, showed me the last facetime calls, phone calls, etc. I began to read the text, the full text conversations. I get sick reading them, and told my boss I needed to leave for the day, I was sick. It seemed like I was reading a conversation between a boyfriend and girlfriend, that just fell madly in love. They couldn't wait to see / talk / spend time with each other every day. They were facetiming at night when I was in bed, I was wishing I had a wife to hold, she was giving herself emotionally to a 16 year old boy. I was torn. I don't cry at all, I cried on my wedding day, I almost cried during my kids births, and I was crying now. There was hurt for the church we are in, the ministry she had been given, the parents of this boy, our kids, our marriage, her, she was in so much denial, this box, her own world.

So I went home early, she knew then it was serious. We talked in my car for awhile, I told her I was able to read everything. I hadn't taking the time to read all 3000 text yet, but knew enough that she was totally giving herself to him emotionally. She finally began to admit wrong, how stupid it was, that there was no excuse, I did ask what did I do or haven't done, she said it was all her, she loved the attention, her teenage years were her getting made fun of, the fat girl, now she is getting the attention of boys with recent weight loss and likes the comments, feeds off them no matter who they are from. That is the problem she admits, she has self-confidence issues. I was also giving her the comments and really happy with her weight loss. When a comment came from another guy, by circumstance a 16 year old in her youth ministry, it made her feel a way that she obviously couldn't get enough of.

I told her we need to build our trust, no ipod, no internet, no ONLINE social life, we need to work on us. She agreed, we closed private emails, facebook, etc... the ipod was given away. Lastly I told her that I feel like we should talk to the parents of this boy. Embarrassing as it may be, if it were my son and he was in a situation with a married women, his youth leader, I would have wanted to know and help him through it. I also said she should pull out of the ministry for awhile, because it would be too weird for me for her to be in a position of leadership, to be an example, when she completely failed at that. She was not agreeing to those things so much. She didn't want anyone else knowing and she thought that ministry should be continued, because its unto God, not anything else. I told her there are consequences and getting out was the right thing for now, there are too many feelings to have to deal with it over and over. I also reminded her that I knew there were texting during the classes secretly and they thought it was so cool because no one knew. She agreed finally to take a break. But didn't want to tell anyone. I reluctantly agreed.

More mistakes... so the next night at church I am approached by this young boy, he wanted to talk, strange, since he would have no idea, unless my wife talk to him again. So I agreed and I wanted to let him speak his thoughts, give him his chance to fess up. Right away he took a very defensive position, telling me that he thought of my wife as nothing more than a sister. He had sisters and she was just like that, he didn't tell her anything he wouldn't have told one of his sisters. Also he said if you want to talk to me or about me, come to me, don't go to my parents, father, or anybody else, you come to me. I could tell he was nervous and now I knew for sure he had a heads up from my wife on what I had shared with her the day before. I told him simply he crossed the line, I didn't go into detail about anything said, just told him there is a time and place for hello's, but you crossed a line, you did more, and wanted more than you should have wanted. I honestly felt like it wasn't really on him, my wife was the leader and parent, the adult here, I really didn't want to argue with a 16 year old on what he can and can't do with my wife. It was rather strange and embarrassing for me. Also my wife was still confiding in him since he knew about me wanting to go to his parents. I finally told him that I would not go to his parents without him there or letting him know. We left it at that.

Back to my wife now... another long night, another stab in the back, I asked her how he knew about everything. She met him early that day in a park, she just wanted him to know that it was over. The secrets was out. I honestly didn't want to keep prying my wife, she broke trust again, and I was just fed up with it. How can I have her trust when she goes out after all this and tells him more. She wanted to know if we should separate, I just wanted her to have genuine remorse, not just sorry for me catching her and how sorry she was to him... what about me, the husband of 12 years, 3 beautiful kids? I didn't want to share with her no more feelings, and I didn't want to give up on everything, I asked for time. Let's stay and just let time heal. Proof is in how we take these next few weeks I told her.

So after more days of healing, I needed to read through all the text, to map it all out in my head. I thought I knew the worst of it, but read more stuff, about my wife and I, our intimate times, she was comfortable enough to share those things with him. She also was facetiming another Guy I found out. I didn't even mention the other EA she had before this. That was probably a 6 month long EA, 5 or so years ago. I found out about that EA because she slipped, she meet the guy one time at the mall and my sister saw them, after I was told, I didn't think anything but used spy software on her computer and what I saw was her on the verge of divorce and wanting to marry this other guy, oh by the way having great times with me in bed, then talking to him all night how tortured she was...

Well, she was re-connecting with him, thank GOD he had a girlfriend and so he was somewhat, I say somewhat constrained. But it was another dagger to the heart though, I again had to leave work for "sickness". And she admitted it, even go out of town to see him on trips to visit her parents.. It was too much, I almost called it off, I was looking for divorce help, what would happen to the kids...she was a stay at home mom, no income, she would have to live at her parents, with our children, is this anyway for them to live. I was holding on this time for the kids. So she said it may be worse for the kids to just stay. I told her I can't change her, I will be willing to work things out, but she has to want me 100% and give me 100%. She said that is what she wanted, so she would work on herself.

I had finished reading all the text, seeing her facetime history, etc. I knew with this boy anyway, she didn't do anything physical besides a hug, they joked about how passionately they could hug each as friends. Sickening I know. But I don't believe it went any further physically. I can only hope on the other EA, she didn't open up about it, I didn't pry...I was in too much shock and too taken by this thing with this teenager.

Your sin will find you... Well, its been a month now since the fireworks, literally. And one of my wife's girlfriends called to express concern over something she has been holding onto for awhile, that's been a weight on her conscience. Her teenage son was with this teenage boy my wife had the EA with when my wife was texting him awhile back. It normally might not seem like a big deal, but this was late at night and our friends know I sleep early, rise early, so when her son told her my wife was texting this kid at night, she was not comfortable with that. She told my wife these things concerned her and my wife's reply was we are working through things, please mind your own business basically. To which her friend replied, what about the church, the ministry you are in, the parents, they should know (Ironic I said the same things), to which my wife replied basically that it was our business, we are past this, stay out. It was more dramatic of course than this, arguing and hanging up and calling back.

So my wife in the heat of the moment, called the boys mom and had her over, like the very second she hung up with her (maybe still) friend. I don't know everything that was said, but my wife said she told his mom that she was secretly texting her son behind my back and was sorry for it. I wouldn't imagine that any detail was discussed as embarrassing as it could be. But that it was a secret and wrong of her to do that. So my wife also said to me if you need to talk to his dad go ahead, its out now. I did call his dad and only said if he had any question after he talks to his wife and son to call me. I didn't tell him anything else.

It was all so ironic, the teenager getting on my case for wanting to tell his dad and my wife doing the same, then a month later, she spills it out to the mom in the heat of a moment because someone else saw them texting. This was yesterday...

Now today. I go on, I want to move forward, but I feel like because we fully didn't deal with this, fully with everyone involved because of a teenager, because of a church, because of a ministry, now we may have to open wounds just starting to heal, do I really tell the parents of this young boy things he said to my wife or worse, what my wife said to him? The pastor of our church? So much shame & embarrassment.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
AStar
Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Itsnotyouitsme, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and your difficult situation.
It is best that it is all in the open- you can deal with the various issues that affect your marriage.
EAs are still a betrayal of you and your marriage. It is hard to deal with and complicated by the fact that a minor is the other person. It impacts you, your wife, this boy and his parents.
I am trying not to be unkind when I say your wife not only abused your trust, but that of her position as youth leader. I am not sure of the law where you live, but there might be criminal implications- you might want to discuss this with a lawyer.

I am sorry for the reason that you find yourself here, but please know that you will find help and support here.
Be kind to yourself Itsnotmeitsyou.


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Hi ItsNotYouitsMe. You are right to be concerned about your wife's behavior, she is at the least showing she has poor boundaries. I think you are wise to suggest that she discontinue her youth work for the time being.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9668 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

If this were a 33 year old man..and a 16 year old girl...we would call the man a pedophile.


Your WW is in a position of trust and needs to be removed from being the youth leader at church immediately.

Of course his parents need to know..this kid is still a kid...he needs therapy to deal with what your WW has done. There is no way she told his mother..and his mother just said "ok"?? Im guessing she told his mother there are silly rumors flying around,gossips trying to stir up trouble,and not to believe them.

I don't know how old your kids are...but you are a parent...if a 33 year old adult..ANY adult..but especially one who is in a position of trust with your child..abused that authority and did/said the things your WW said to this kid...wouldn't you want to know?

Also..chances are,there was some PA. You need to be tested,as does she.

Im so sorry for what you are going through..your WW is sick..she preyed on a child. She needs help..not protection.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:47 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7152 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

If this were a 33 year old man..and a 16 year old girl...we would call the man a pedophile.

^^^This. I would get an attorney for yourself ASAP.

Your WW needs help and I plead with you that you will tell the boys parents. I know it will be hard but they have a right to know this. Putting yourself in their position, would you want to know? And if you don't say anything that may have legal ramifications for you too. What would that do to your kids? Your children will need you now more than ever as you navigate this mess your wife has chosen to make.

So very sorry for what is happening to you. It is hard and I know you love your wife. But she is not safe right now and especially not safe to be around minors.

Stay strong.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Jwayne10
New Member
Member # 40286
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with what everyone is saying, I was kind of in shock reading this. This was a minor, everything needs to be out in the open. You need to show his parents the texts, so they can get him the help he needs. Being introduced to such adult topics can change him as man. Your wife needs to be removed from any kind of contact from teenage boys. Your wife meeting another man she was having an EA with, sounds likely a PA happened. If I were you I would get tested for disease. This may sound harsh but your ww crossed some many lines here. I believe getting this teenage boy help and your wife out her position with the church should be your first priority. I know she is your wife and you love her but this is something that cant be swept under the rug. She might pray on other teenagers one day.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2013
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

do I really tell the parents of this young boy things he said to my wife or worse, what my wife said to him? The pastor of our church?

Yes. Her days of leading a youth group are over. It is a consequence of her betrayal of trust, not just of you, but also of this boy and the parents who entrusted her with him.

If she fully recovers, maybe she can become involved with ministry again someday. But not with youth. That will never again be appropriate after this.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Yes, tell them everything.

This boy is young and naïve. He needs to learn how destructive this behavior is and he will need help. Your wife took advantage of him. Ruined his ability to make healthy connections with his peers.

Sorry, not only is it disgusting what she did to your family...it is disgusting what she did to theirs.

So that is three EA's? Twice to the same guy? The community needs to know that a women like her is leading their children. Did she stop the ministry? She is no role model for the youth. They need someone that has self-confidence and good moral values. She has neither.

In addition you may regret later that it didn't come out in the open. When it is too late to bring it up. You can't heal over an infection.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 922 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry your here.

Remembetr, you are not responsible.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 446 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Andthencraigslis
New Member
Member # 40246
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

My heart is breaking for you...Please don't get caught up in the way your wife is trying to minimize what this is and was. I am in my 30's there is nothing remotely appealing about a relationship with a 16 year old boy... Your wife is VERY broken. She needs intense IC, you should see a lawyer immediately, talk to your pastor and the kid's parents (after lawyer). By not sharing this information that you are now aware , and if it goes on... you are putting yourself in moral, legal and financial peril. I agree this boy needs help too, at the very least he was put in a very confusing place by a person who had authority over him. Please document everything you can, and do not give you wife a head's up on what you are doing. You need to protect yourself and your kids now first. The marriage should you choose to eventually try to recover, can wait, and it will have to. You can not have a healthy marriage with a partner as broken as your wife. Comfort and peace to you.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Gently...
What would you call a 33 year old man who had an affair with your sixteen your old daughter? What would you want to happen to this man? Would you want this man living in your house? It's hard, but you need to step back and think about how incredibly serious this situation is.

IMHO You need to remove your wife from your home. She is a pedophile. I'm sorry to even type that, but it's the truth. You have children. You need to think only of their best interest right now. What she did is illegal. She's a predator and you can not rug sweep this. She has harmed a *child*.

Please, please, please think long and hard about this.

Hugs to you. I can not even remotely imagine the horror of this situation. Keep posting here. Everyone is here to help you through this.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Something you may not have considered..boys that age talk to their buddies...surely he has told his friends about his affair with this older woman. This is going to come out. You have children..and if it is discovered that you knew about this crime..moral crime..and legal crime..your WW has committed..and you didn't report it...you could be held responsible for not telling the authorities..or at the very least,his parents. You are assuming your WW told his mother the truth..she didn't. She lied. YOU need to make sure his parents are fully aware of the extent of this affair. You need to protect your kids from the fallout. You need to protect yourself.

ETA: How old are your children?

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:22 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7152 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Like others have already recommended I would strongly urge you to get a lawyer NOW. Let the lawyer lead you through this. You could stand to loose everything. The boy's parents can press charges, the boys parents can file a civil suit, and take everything you own. Your wife could face jail time. You have kids. Quite simply, this situation sucks, but you need to put you and your children first. Second she needs some serious help.

She may not feel and honestly believe she did nothing wrong. But she is messed up. She is really sick. Seriously, if a man did this to your daughter how would you react? It's really the same, except that 16 year old boys put sex at the top of their list of wants.

She has proven to be dishonest, go get tested. You need to protect yourself.

It sucks to be here, and I'm not saying that you can't work through this, but brother, you have a long potentially very bumpy road ahead.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7820 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

You need to make some serious phone calls...

To a lawyer- what your wife is doing can be considered illegal. If the genders were reversed, most would be calling for the adult's head on a stick. Hello Mary Kay leTourneau???

To your church- they have got to know what one of their youth ministry has been up to. Can you imagine the outrage of all the other parents toward not just your WW and YOU once this comes out (and it will come out)... but towards your church?

To a therapist - your wife is a pedofile. She needs some help, now. Having a romantic relationship wih a child is wrong!

I'm sorry that your children and you are now in this mess. You must protect them and start getting your life in order.. I fear this could really blow up in your face if you remain complacent towards this sick, disgusting relationship your wife had with a minor.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3523 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Agree with the others too.

This is VERY serious. Liken, to the teacher that had an affair with her student and went to jail.

Think of it this way....if you didn't find out...where would this EA lead? There is only one way through to the eventual next step. A physical affair. Sick as it is...that is the reality. If it didn't already.

This is more than just an A. She is a child predator now. Protect yourself and your children.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 922 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
SilverFlame
New Member
Member # 39929
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Hi ItsNotYouItsMe
This is an extremely serious situation. Your wife exhibits behaviour of a sexual predator grooming a child. At best you have have a situation of child abuse: emotional and psychological. I hope its not a PA as this could be statutory rape.
Please see a lawyer ASAP and get help.
The minor child's parents must be informed - as well as the relevant authorities, whether the police or child protective services. Your own children could be at risk, they could be taken away from you if you attempt to cover this up as you could be seen as being complicit in this. It is a criminal matter and there could be very serious consequences.
I am sorry that your emotional state, being betrayed by your wife is treated as secondary. You need to take care of yourself- please get some counselling for yourself. You need help to deal with your wife's multiple EAs- this must be devastating for you.
I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
Please do something to protect yourself and your children.


Me 37 BGF
Him WBF
Relationship of two years.

Him: inappropriate emails with ex girlfriend. She was OW during his last marriage. OW- skank with no morals or ethics (personal or professional)
D-Day mid July 2013


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2013
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

This will come out, it already has started to. Do not be surprised if the police show up based that other people already know. I'm so sorry, but it will. Be prepared to hand over evidence and share your knowledge.

Second, start to protect yourself and your children. Call a lawyer, ASAP. you dont want to be blamed for covering this up.

Go to your pastors asap. She needs to stop being around children NOW. This is serious.

Do not try to fix this with his parents.

Be prepared, more may come out, and it may have gone physical.

Frankly, I would separate immediately and keep the kids at the moment. This has implications far beyond your reach.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Good point...the more compliant you are...the better chance you stand at keeping your children....you can't focus on protecting her. She did this to herself. She probably has childhood issues that need dealt with too.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 922 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Shocked  Posted: 1:21 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Before I comment on your post, I must say I do enjoy your 'writing style'. Your story sucks though.


I am sorry you are going through this. Not only did your WW make a heck of a mess - she has history of doing such.

I do not really see how you can rugsweep this with her leadership position and the church. Now that you know - you hold a level of responsibility to protect the youth. You honestly do not know how far she was willing to let this progress to. Once those boundaries become blurred - there is no logic.

Definitely make some calls to protect yourself and your assets. You have enough of a downpour with learning this news without getting caught up in the rampifications that could follow.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2014 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry you are here and have to go through this.

Because of the age of the child, this is serious business. You could also be held liable if you withhold this information in any way as you have seen the texts and what devastation your WW has caused to this child. This WILL impact him on many different levels as well as may have dire consequences on his development and future morals/ethics... yet he is totally innocent as it was your wife that distorted all this to him from the misuse of a position of authority/leader.

I also hate to say it, but her pre-meeting with this boy upon discovery, failing NC, and some of her other steps you described sound to me like there is some level of PA involved, as disgusting as it may sound.

Good luck to you!


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 712 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

(((INYM)))

PLease listen to the other post.

I won't say what I would do if this would of happened to one of my sons. I can guarantee you the law would of been called on the preditor... Your wife is sick she needs help. Help you can not provide. Please please I plead you to get her help.
Report her to your pastor and to the parents of the child. I would recommend you tell the pastor first.
Then request a meeting at church with the pastor.
Maybe the pastor can recommend to your wife to seek help also or charges will be filed! I would never let her near another youth group.

I am sooo sorry I really am for your pain.
Please seek yourself counseling also. Eat drink and exercise. Come on here and talk to us. We are here to support you..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Hi,ItsNotYouItsme.

I know it seems like we are all piling on a little bit. Im sorry if you are overwhelmed. You have been through a terrible ordeal..one that is actually just starting,and you are probably in shock. Now is not the time to be complacent. You need to act NOW. People already know..the longer you wait,the worse this will be for you and your kids. I understand you want to protect your WW too. The thing is..you can't. If you try to shield her from the consequences,it will look as if you are ok with what she did..and you don't want that to happen. You could lose your kids. Im so sorry..but that is a very real possibility. The quicker you act, the less chance there is of that happening. You must protect your kids. They don't want to be removed from your home..and of course you don't want that either.

Please know that we are all hear to support you..and even though our advice sounds harsh...it really is all about protecting you and those precious children.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7152 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I was able to download and run some ipod recovery software. Ask and I will tell you what I used, it was free to scan and preview everything it could recover and that's all I needed to do.

I'd love to know this information


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 661 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Because the right things weren't done at the time, my 16-year-old nephew moved in with his 40-year-old extracurricular teacher the minute he turned 18. He now lives with her taking care of her five kids while she works. They took the whole thing underground after confrontation despite the fact that she sat and talked with both of his parents.

If I'd had enough information at that time, I'd have called the cops. In my state, 16 is the age of consent unless the other person is more than 7-years-older. Then it's charges. If someone had called the cops then, maybe he wouldn't be with her now and would instead be with someone his own age starting a normal life.

Your wife is insecure and desperate for attention and her judgment is flawed. The fact that she told a concerned friend to mind her own business is a pretty good indication that she's really only sorry she got caught. Couple that with the fact that there has been ongoing communication and it's pretty much a definite. She has NO BUSINESS teaching at the church. She has NO BUSINESS in a position of authority over teenagers. Her flawed perception of appropriate behavior means that this could happen again or go underground.

For the boy's sake and the protection of other kids in the class, please go to the minister before this really blows up. How would you feel if this were your child and an adult was behaving this way?


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3968 | Registered: Sep 2005
undonelife
Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

She could very easily be arrested & labeled a child sex offender. Get yourself an Attorney. Your pastor needs to know. In our drmoninstions she would be immediately removed & set out for a number if years maybe indefinately. I have a 16 year old son & I would want to know the truth & want her removed from any symbolensce of leadership. She needs help.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 16th (Friday)

I''m so sorry for your hell. You have so much on your plate right now and I know, that it feels like we''re all piling on top of you adding to it. I hope that you can believe and trust that we are REALLY worried about you and your children. (((hugs))) I hope that you can come back for support, and I hope that this has given you something to think about, to help you protect yourself and your children. That''s the only important thing right now.

I am a church administrator. All I will say is that I would never be able to trust anyone in our youth program, who was so inappropriate with a minor, around children alone again. And I would be holding you and your children in my prayers and concerns because this is NOT your fault, nor your children''s fault. (((more hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 16th (Friday)

I am a church administrator. All I will say is that I would never be able to trust anyone in our youth program, who was so inappropriate with a minor, around children alone again. And I would be holding you and your children in my prayers and concerns because this is NOT your fault, nor your children's fault. (((more hugs)))

DITTO!!! And I will also add that as a church administrator myself (I know, my language tends to be terrible but I am a child of God ) I would move heaven and earth to get her removed for any position of authority in my church!


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 522 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
blindsided03
Member
Member # 40302
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Hi, INYIM,
Sorry to hear what you're going through. Things are tough right now and I can't imagine how you must be feeling. My idiot stbxh was out looking for cougars, so it's probably not too much different of a feeling...minus the pedophilia thing. I think you should be telling the parents of the boy and kicking your wife out. Do you really want someone who is sexually attracted to teenagers raising your teenagers? Are you prepared to worry every time your kids have friends over? It sounds like she's really having a lot of issues, maybe borderline like mine, and needs real counseling. Also, sixteen?!??!?! that's crazy. It's not acceptable and you should really let everyone know. As it is, you got screwed over and you're doing her a favor by keeping your mouth closed!! You don't owe her sh*t!! She's a b*tch and she deserves to feel pain for what she did. it is NOT your responsibility to hold onto the pain and cover up for her!! if she had the balls to do it, then she has to have the balls to own up to the consequences!


BW
M6m
Dday(2)8/13
D12/13...he's a sociopath.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, August 16th (Friday)

This is going to suck to hear, but I very much doubt they were never physical.

They were alone repeatedly, knew your schedule, met up repeatedly outside your home, etc; it's possible they never did anything but teenagers have a lot of emotions and very little restraint, and you wife was very deep into this mess.

Right now you need to protect yourself and your kids. Your wife spent a long time deceiving you, and just being found out does not mean she will be truthful now. This isn't something you can't get through together, but she has to be all in and on your side to make it.

Good luck, don't compromise your boundaries.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7368 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, August 16th (Friday)

I know from first-hand experience that trying to protect the WS by telling no one is not generally effective.

Additionally, you have the added complications of having your WW in an inappropriate relationship with a minor child over whom she had supervisory and instruction duties. You are both legally vulnerable here, and I recommend you heed the advice of the other posters and meet with the church administration and the child's parents and come clean.

Yes, they may press charges. I would. But under no circumstances should she hold a position like this again unless she has extensive therapy and counseling for her extremely poor choices in coping mechanisms.

I don't think you grasp the seriousness of the situation. I would also start researching criminal attorneys--your WW may need one.

Sorry to be harsh, but this is a minor child. As a parent, I would be calling for the tar and feathers.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29542 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
blindsided03
Member
Member # 40302
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, August 16th (Friday)

can you get in trouble in your state for conspiracy with a pedophile? I find that in a lot of states, you get in just as much trouble for knowing these things and not reporting them than as you did them. This is a CHILD. I'm 26 and think that's inappropriate. She needs therapy and jail. Do you really want to be married to Mary Kay LeTourneau? You can do better!! We're all going through hell, but you need to protect this child and other children from your wife. She is, unfortunately, a predator, and you are risking your freedom by protecting her.


BW
M6m
Dday(2)8/13
D12/13...he's a sociopath.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Wow, I've read your post and all the replies. This is very traumatic and I couldn't even comprehend how you must feel.

I'm a bit suprised about what we call here on this forum '2x4s' and calling her a b**** and a pedophile. I don't think it's neccessary on the Just found out forum. Ecspecially as your post indicates no real virtol to your wife.

Firstly you really need to organise a counsellor for yourself, a lawyer and a doctor's appointment. Personally I don't see this 16 year old as the top of the priority list, you and your children need to be your first priorities. NOT him. Sixteen year olds make stupid descisions, but are not stupid enough to know what they are doing has consequences and isn't right.

So right now this is how your priorities should look
1. You: legal, mental health, physical health
2. Your children: (you need a healthy you, so you can be there for your children
3: The sixteen year old
4: Your church... maybe? (I'm not religous can't comment)

--------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope you realise I didn't mention your wife here. She's not the priority. Naturally your first instinct is to want to fix this, fix the problem, fix her! But you can't she's made her choices and they are not with your religion or your vows, immoral and yes they may be considered illegal.

Best wishes and I hope you have not been scared off this site, sometimes it can be a little intense but it is always from a place of good.
(I'm actually not sure if it is illegal (did a google), as it does not seem to be a physical affair, even so the evidence would be lackluster unless she took photographs etc, maybe check it out?) If it was only kissing and no groping, but I'm sure you've already researched this.

[This message edited by lauren123 at 11:40 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, August 16th (Friday)

I'm actually not sure if it is illegal

Contributing to the delinquency of a minor IS illegal. Doesn't matter if she "touched" him. What she did exhibits severe boundary issues and definitely crosses the line going 100 miles per hour. Imagine that this was YOUR son who was engaged in this behavior with a "ministry authority" - and being religious has nothing to do with it. I feel pretty certain you'd see it quite differently and be just outraged as most responders to this thread.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 522 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

I'm a bit concerned the original poster has not been back.

ItsNotYouitsMe, So sorry for what you are going through. I realize the responses can be overwhelming at first, but please don't let that deter you from coming back.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Aug 2007
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

I actually looked at the Texas age of consent laws. It indicates it has to be breast, anal or genital touching. I did say to go to a lawyer, i'm merely saying it seems to be a possibility.

Ofcourse I'm outraged at the actions. But sixteen IS sixteen, physiologically, socially and emotionally etc generally you are old enough to know right from wrong, besides when I was sixteen I was involved with an older man who was my tutor. (NOT TEACHER, HIRED, who I paid for), no infideltiy. It was a very regrettable ongoing situation (some aspects almost identical as the story) and sure I feel taken advantage of even all these years later. But I knew it was wrong, I could of stopped it, but I didn't.

But this is not the poster's concern, he is not responsible for his wife's actions. His children needs to be put first as should himself. He should not be involved in the situation between the wife, the parents of the son, and church? play out, and stay out of it.

And no I don't have a kid. But if I was this kid's parent I would want blood and to get the poster involved, all emotional etc. But we are here to help the original poster, not this kid.

[This message edited by lauren123 at 12:18 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

We could go round and round all night...

Regardless of our opinions on age of consent, psychological, physiological, etc. the point is that this woman has had an emotional (at best) affair with a child. A CHILD. Now the poster most certainly does need to look out for himself and his children, but doing that includes getting involved as far as his church and the parents of the boy are concerned. I'm not a lawyer so I am not versed in Texas or any other state's laws. But I do know this: there have been cases where spouses have been held accountable for knowing that their husband or wife was involved in an inappropriate relationship with a minor and doing nothing.

Alerting this child's parents to the severity of the situation IS necessary just as alerting the church is because of her position of authority. Around here we tend to advise "tell the OP's spouse". Well, in this case, the "spouse" is the PARENTS. They need to know and it would be better coming from the poster because the absolute last thing he needs is to have the authorities come knocking on his door with an arrest warrant for his wife, and an "Oh, by the way, we need you to come downtown because we have some questions for you too Mr. ItsNotYouItsMe".

eta: INYIM - I apologize for my strong opinion on this subject. I attribute it to 2 things: 1. When I was in high school I had a teacher try to have a "relationship" with me. He crossed several lines but at that time, all he got for his behavior was a *lecture* from the principal. Today his ass would be arrested and prosecuted for sticking his tongue down my throat the way he did. 2. My BFF's son was misled in the exact same way your wife has behaved with this boy. The result of that is a child that my BFF is now raising because her son is not equipped to be a parent and the "teacher" already had 3 children that she lost custody of because she had multiple affairs on her husband. So again, I apologize. There is a reason for my passion on this subject but I did not intend to go on a tear on your thread. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you will find your way through this mess.

[This message edited by Chicky at 12:51 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 522 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Expose, expose, expose. Let the chits fall where they may. The boy is not a child, he is a teenage boy with crazy hormones. There was a day when he would be M by now and out of his parents' house.

Because of modern laws, he is legally still considered a minor, and under his parents' protection, so the parents are the equivalent of the WS, and INYM needs to make sure they know everything.

Also because of legal reasons, the pastor needs to know, in case he wants to get a lawyer to protect the church from being sued.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

This is going to suck to hear, but I very much doubt they were never physical.
I hate to say it, but I have to agree. We have a saying here: Time + Opportunity = Trouble. She spent time alone with both of the APs that you know about and I can't think that there was nothing physical. I KNOW you don't want to think that. NONE of us wanted to think that. In my case, my H had an A at 37 with a 19 year-old. I got the whole "just friends", we just talked, I could have never done anything with her because of her age, etc. My H got cancer 'down there' from the HPV he contracted from her. (I am still free and clear of STDs, miraculously). It was absolutely as bad as I had feared- a full-on physical affair defiling places I NEVER thought he would.

Now, as crazy as the age difference was in that A, she WAS of legal age. If some 33 year old man was messing with MY daughter at 16... I would want to see him registered as a predatory (using the youth group as an 'in') sex offender. And I would personally serve him his A$$ on a platter.

I'm sorry, but your wife is an adulteress and she's been having a "relationship" with a boy. A BOY. She has betrayed you, herself, her religion...

Even if you can't stand to think it was physical, I implore you to seek STD testing ASAP because it DOES happen. We have a member who found out about her H's cheating when she contracted HIV. Many other innocent people who will have to live with STDs for the rest of their lives, through no fault of their own. Some won't be so lucky as to LIVE with them.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sorry you are here. Just know that you have found the best place no one ever wanted to be. This is a very supportive community and I'd like to welcome you. Big hugs to you, hang in there, please keep posting because we've all been through betrayal and we can help you get through this.


Posts: 11413 | Registered: Mar 2008
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Chicky,

It's very sad what you went through. But I stand by what I initially said, he should see a lawyer first to see his legal obligations, and/maybe/or how he can legally tell the parents without risking his own and his childrens' wellbeing. If it is viewed as a heinous crime (which I believe it should too) then he needs to be careful

INYIM: I hope you're okay, one of the best parts of SI is that you have a range of opinions. I hope you are taking care of yourself, your children and remembering that you are in no way responsible for your wife's actions.

I'm really concerned about you


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
hotcoffee
Member
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

I'm with Lauren and HMH. please stay INYIM. You are in tough situation and can get help here. The attacks on your wife, although understandable, are not whar you need right now. I feel for you man.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
MeanBean
New Member
Member # 36375
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Your rugsweeping your wife's pedophilia. There is no justification for it. And now your an accomplice in keeping it secret.


Me BH:36
Ex W:33
Married 7 years/Dated 3 years
DDay1:October 12 2011
DDay2:November 3 2011

Posts: 36 | Registered: Aug 2012
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Taking your kids with you to stay with family or friends for a while, until this situation unfolds, will be one of the best most IMMEDIATE actions you can take to protect yourself legally from being seen as an accomplice..

Lawyer up for advice on how to protect yourself legally because you and the kids being protected needs to be the priority..

Whether or not your WW had a PA with the boy, you should assume that she did and act accordingly..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Your wife sounds terribly immature and adolescent-like. Do you have a son with her? She needs lots of therapy. I know there is a lot to be considered, you kneed to protect your kids from the shame and humiliation and hurt this could bring to them. Protect yourself and your kids, mandatory therapy for the wife.
P.S.
If I caught a woman doing that to my son and got a hold of her, . . . , she would think long and hard before doing something like that again.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 575 | Registered: Mar 2003
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Personally I don't see this 16 year old as the top of the priority list

I agree that seeing a lawyer is of paramount importance. You're not just dealing with infidelity, but also with a potential legal crisis.

This 16-year-old is a victim. The age of consent in Texas is 17, unless it's a "Romeo and Juliet" situation-- one in which boyfriend and girlfriend are teens who are close in age, one above and one younger than 17. In these cases, the age of consent can be lower, if the age differential is less than 3 years. (This law keeps 17-year-olds with 16-year-old girlfriends off sex offender registries.)

Age (and power) differential comes into play HUGELY in Texas, when it comes to legal decisions involving minors and sex offenses. A grown woman in a position of authority having a sexual relationship with a 16-year-old is, indeed, breaking the law.

This needs to be stopped, and not just in a way that protects the offender, her BS, her children, and her reputation.

ALL kids in this woman's midst need to be protected. Things are already starting to come apart at the seams; it's only a matter of time before the truth emerges. When that happens, I personally would want to be able to look the boy's parents in the eyes, knowing I'd done everything I could to protect their son, upon learning of the situation.

INYIM, I am so, so sorry for your pain. That your wife has chosen to behave in this way has turned your life upside down. Learning your spouse has cheated is horrendous. Learning that she has done so with a child must be devastating beyond compare.

But please--do the right thing. Tell the boy's parents the WHOLE truth. Give them copies of the conversations. Tell those in a position of authority at church, so that your wife can be removed from any position that puts her in proximity to kids.

Please. It's more important to protect other kids than to protect her reputation.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8342 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

MeanBean,
This is the jfo forum, your comments on scaring the original poster is not needed. Again. This person is here for support.

We should not be judging him on his wife's actions. I honestly IMHO do not understand why we are not showing him as much support as we would in a 'normal' infidelity situation. The standard compassion and advice has not been expressed and I am frankly disappointed. We should be his personal cheerleaders.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

I haven't commented on this situation because of it's content and I did not want to say anything that would hurt or insult itsnotyouitsme.

I agree with lauren123. We should be supporting this poor BS. By the way he didn't say he wasn't going to talk to the boys parents he promised the boy he would not talk to them unless he was there and asked our advice.

My advice is to tell the child's parents, get IC for yourself. This is too much to take in at one time so eat as much as you can and get as much sleep as you can. Also, realize this is not your fault. Your wife has a serious problem. She needs council.

Good Luck
((((((((((Hugs)))))))))


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
brainless twit
Member
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

So sorry for what you're going through. I recently had the joy of reading thousands and thousands of texts via an iPhone recovery program so I know how traumatic that part must have been for you. It's one thing to hear about it and an entirely different thing to see it for yourself.

I know some of the responses have been very emotion-charged, and as the parent of a 15 year-old boy, I understand it to a degree. However, the fact remains - this is a horrible betrayal on many levels and you deserve support. Your situation is a pretty unique one and I'm sure it's difficult for you to talk about what your wife has done.

I do agree that you need to talk to this kid's parents. It may seem counterintuitive to drag it all out again, but it needs to happen. They deserve to know so they can take appropriate actions on their end - mainly, they can help you in making sure that contact doesn't continue. I also think your wife should step down from the youth program immediately. There's nothing that says she can't hold a leadership position in a church ever again, but I don't think right now is the time.

I know you have a long, hard road ahead and my prayers are with you and your family. I hope you'll keep posting here; this place saved my life.


"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.


Posts: 1538 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
hotcoffee
Member
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Good points BT, Lauren and Josephine,. I hope we see INYIM again.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Red  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

MeanBean, this a brand new member. If you can't be supportive, stay off the thread.

Everyone else, we know this is an upsetting and volatile situation. It's very important we remember that we are dealing with an overwhelmed and reeling new member. Let's concentrate on support and not overwhelm him.
I too hope he returns.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43990 | Registered: Sep 2006
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I hope he returns as well. I believe some of the high emotions are ones we experience as parents when we see vulnerable kids taken advantage of. I realize that he doesn't want to see his WW in this light, but, unfortunately, that is how others, including the child's parents and the church administration, are going to see it.

I have raised teens. They are long on bravado that they "got this" but in so many ways they are still children. This is why laws exist to protect them. And that is why the laws are written to protect them. The law assumes that the adult in the scenario is the responsible, mature party and should not cross that line with a child.

Your WW could be held on criminal charges, and you could also, depending on the laws of your state. Please, for the sake of you and your children, seek legal advice and if you do want to reconcile your marriage, understand that your WW has some serious issues that need quite a lot of therapy to heal. And please also understand that therapy may not heal them.

Many of us, myself includes, have been outspoken and blunt. I realize this causes you pain; however, I believe you also need to realize your precarious legal situation and the full ramifications of her actions. Please consult an attorney. A good one.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 6:00 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29542 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I also hope he returns..I could be of some help..I was there to support my best friend, who went thru a similar experience..
She was fortunate (if you can say that) that she didn't know of the behavior or of the infidelity ahead of time..Her D day was when the police stormed their home and arrested the WH...As the next few days unfolded she learned what happened..This crisis happened 3 months after her new baby was born..
The legal issue itself takes years before there is a final disposition..The fallout or the stigma can affect the family for a lifetime..To the original poster, I can PM you and offer you support based on my experience with my best friend..I am not here to judge you..You are in the same position that she was except that you may be in a better position to protect yourself and kiddos than she was..
That was why I suggested that you assume WW was physical and act accordingly /get yourself and the kids out of the home and lawyer up at the same time.

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:14 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I am posting as a member now. I have finally had time to read your original post and I am so sad for you.
I think though your situation has many unique elements, where you will find the most help here is in the commonalities. Every Betrayed Spouse on this site has felt shock and horror and shame. Every one of us didn't know where to turn, what to do, or how we could possibly even begin to pick up the pieces.
You likely can't eat or sleep, and don't know what to do next.
We can relate, we understand, and we as a community are here for you.
Try to sleep, maybe even talk to your doctor if you can't. Try to eat. If you really can't even some soup or toast. Just a little something. I found Ensure shakes helped for a little while. It's important to take care of these basic needs, because you are in crisis mode, need your wits about you and have hard decisions to make.
I hope you return and that we as a community can show you that we understand, and that we can gently help you navigate this storm.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:39 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43990 | Registered: Sep 2006
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

we can gently help you navigate this storm.

Definitely agree


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

My brother was 16-17 when an older, was 30+ married woman got involved with him. He is fucked up to this day about women.

He later was 30+ himself with a wife and kids. Didnt trust, couldn't trust, and had an affair himself and left his wife.

Second wife...yeah he doesn't trust her either. Because he learned at an early age that married women can't be trusted.

This really messes with the mind. Report her to church leadership, blow this wide open.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 912 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
ItsNotYouitsMe
New Member
Member # 40325
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Your replies did have an effect on me. Not only did I go to the Pastor of our church, I also met with the parents of this teenager, the very night of the post and 20 some replies I received at that time.

I would first like to say thank you to all that replied. Some of you, yes were more gentle in tone than others, but either way, I appreciate the honest opinion of everyone, whether gentle or blunt I'll say. It helps to see that no matter the tone of the response, we all can agree how wrong it was and what should be done. I realize there will have to be some assumption because in dealing with the lies, you almost have to assume the worst is going on. With men I see this easily, myself a man, but with women, well it's all about the emotion, lines crossed, yes,... child predator... nah... I keep thinking Chris Hansen, To catch a predator... no, not her. Well, Thank you again.

I wanted to wait a few days for the situation to settle and feelings to be processed, steps to be taken before coming back and posting a response.

Our pastor came over the next day after I told him and talked with us for over two hours. He expressed the same concerns as everyone here, about everything that happened and the seriousness of it all. After all, they do background checks and have protocols for situations just like this and even training on what is inappropriate conduct with youth. (Wife must of missed or forgot that) He wants to continue meetings and we have another scheduled this week. He also will talk with the parents.

The parents came and yes, my wife only admitted to the mom that she had been texting him secretly, but no context was discussed. So when I was with both the parents, I told them of the seriousness of it, the "I love you" and "Can't wait to see you" talk daily. The mother was of course surprised and her first question was, "is this true?", to which my wife cried and said that her first intentions were only friendship (typical response) because he seemed so depressed and that no-one understood him. My wife did a lot of crying and apologizing. His parents were calm, they listened mostly. I think also they are going to need time after they heard such things. The bigger issue was their son, I have no idea of the closeness they have with him, but He is also going to need someone to open up too, to work through the hurt of it all. It would normally be a little weird to think about the other person this way, but he is just a teen.

I am glad I told them, so that they could help him. As some of you have posted, that could really screw with a 16yo and being able to relate correctly to the opposite sex, leaders, married people, etc.

As I exposed the situation to our pastor and to the parents, I was re-living everything over again. It was foolish to think I could somehow be content in this bubble of secrecy with someone who couldn't be trusted. It seems also to be true that the person who is betrayed can have their judgement clouded and be motivated by just the feelings of it all and not what is truly the right thing to do in the circumstance. That is why it's very helpful to have a safe forum like this, to get the clearer picture of the corrective action. The biggest thing is that bond of betrayal that we unfortunately carry, but it does now gives us the tools to encourage each other and suggest the hard, but corrective things to do.

I will update again. Thank you.

[This message edited by ItsNotYouitsMe at 12:22 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I am glad that you spoke with the pastor, and the boy's parents.

You STILL need to see an attorney, and find out what you should be doing to protect your role as father, and how to move forward. These parents may want to prosecute when they stop reeling. Please protect yourself and your kids. I know you want to protect your wife, or the person you thought your wife was, but she is not that person.

In addition is she seeing an MC? If not, get her into one ASAP. If she hopes to heal, and you hope to save your marriage she has to figure this stuff out. She crossed a boundary that simply isn't crossable unless you are sick.

Please please please protect yourself and your children. If the parents press charges against your wife, DFS is going to be knocking on your door, and you need to be prepared.
Don't disallusion yourself that they won't because they are good church people, or they told you they wouldn't. Prepare for the worst possible outcome, anything less than that will be relief.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7820 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Daysie
Member
Member # 38873
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 19th (Monday)

((((Hugs))))

I am so glad you returned to this forum.

You will get lots of good advice from the kind people here.

You are in my thoughts.


Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????


Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Sir, that was real grace under fire.

Stay solid. Make sure you're drinking enough water, eating right and sleeping if you can. Exercise will help also. Good luck.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7368 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 19th (Monday)

IMYM, you are handling an incredibly difficult and emotional situation with grace and dignity. Please remember to take care of yourself and your children~emotionally, physically and legally.

Sending you strength.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 350 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 19th (Monday)

You are a brave and healthy person to seek help in your situation. You've kept trying to see things clearly and take the best possible action despite all the churning emotions of betrayal. Well done, keep it up, and remember to take care of yourself and hug your kids.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 19th (Monday)

When we arrive here we are often encouraged do what we can to protect ourselves emotionally(the 180), physically, financially, and in some situations legally.

You've started the process of protecting you and your kids, don't stop just yet. Please visit an attorney to find out how badly this can go IF the parents make the decision to prosecute your wife. Bring your wife with you. You may not need to retain them, but do ask their advice on ways to minimize the damage to your family. If nothing happens great! Your wife has had a warning what continuing this behavior can bring upon her family. Maybe the attorney visit will be an eye opener for her . I said to bring her because if you relay what the attorney said, she will likely not believe anything you say. In her mind you are jaded-so why should she listen to you?

I wish you and your family strength.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Im glad you came back. I know some of the responses were difficult to read. Mine may have been one of the "harsh" ones. Please know,my main concern was helping you keep your kids. the pain of dday is horrific..and I was trying to prevent you from losing your children,on top of this mess.

As tushnurse suggested..you need to see an attorney. The boy's parents,once the shock has worn off,and once they have talked with their son,may take legal action. Then CPS will be at your house..talking privately with your children.

Someone mentioned that 16 year olds know right from wrong. And while that may be true,they are still very much a child. They don't have the best judgement. They don't have the life experience to know how things play out. A 33 year old woman DOES.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:53 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7152 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
hotcoffee
Member
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, August 19th (Monday)

INYIM, I'm glad you are back. I respect your strength and resolve. You have so much to deal with and there really are caring, experienced people here who will give good advice and support. Please stay.

I want to gently disagree with those posters who are calling your wife a pedophile. That is not accurate. A pedophile is attracted to pre-pubescent children. Your wife may be an ephebophile, but she is not a pedophile. That does not excuse her lack of judgment, nor does it diminish the harm this relationship may have caused the boy. But I'm bothered by the quickly applied and unhelpful label some have thrown around.

I wish you continued strength. Keep doing the right things. Take care of yourself. Reach out for help.

[This message edited by hotcoffee at 1:08 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, August 19th (Monday)

You''ve handled a truly horrible situation with a lot of grace, class, and honor. Please, please take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. And come back often for support.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Wow--you handled that with genuine dignity and strength. Kudos.

You have a whole community of people here to bolster you when you need it.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8342 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I admire you for your grace and dignity and wish you continued strength in your journey. God bless you and your children and I hope your WW can find peace and remorse. And blessings on that young man. He has a journey of healing to make, too.


Me-BS-60-Can't tell you how painful it was to change this number!
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3282 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I also echo the sentiments of the other posters---you have definitely handled things much better than I...or many other members here...may have handled things up to this point. You have my admiration.

As brutal as some of the ensuing fallout may be, there is a good possibility that ALL parties can move forward from this point---especially if all parties know what mistakes were made, and how to prevent these in the future. Your wife and the 16y.o. will definitely need some counseling.

I hope that the worst is behind all of you. I hope that, although as terrible as this situation is, that it could have gone much, much worse if more time elapsed. I hope that you know all of the facts, so you can start to rebuild. I believe if your wife puts in the effort, she can earn back your trust in the future.

Good luck.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 1998 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 19th (Monday)

ItsNotYou,

I admire the way you handled the situation. You were sensitive and responsible about it. I hope you can now focus on yourself and your children and figuring out what kind of help your wife needs.

It sounds like all parties handled the situation with as much grace as could be mustered under the circumstances. Infidelity is tough enough but your situation is compounded. It's going to be hard but you've already started out by doing the right thing- for both your wife and the boy (and your conscience). I wish I could tell you it's going to get easier but it probably won't for a while. I'm sorry for that.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3968 | Registered: Sep 2005
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 19th (Monday)

((Inyim))

You have been in my thoughts. I'm sorry for your situation. Another case where they don't realize the ramifications of their actions.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7435 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

INYiM,

You did the right thing, exposing it...immediately.

I was one of those blunt ones. Not trying to thread jack, but I want you to know where I was coming from.

My H's A was with the daughter of his pastor (he was living away from home at the time.) They kicked him out to keep it a secret, then also told me to not come (I hadn't ever been there anyway.)

My church (our home church for years) handled it much better. H tearfully apologized publicly to the entire congregation (his idea, not theirs), and was welcomed back by most...one good friend of ours would not forgive him for months, and openly avoided him...that was good for WH to experience.

A clandestine pedophilia who had tried to take advantage of our son there while I was dealing with my H's A (H was still living out of town, and the p. offered to take our son biking and camping as a "male mentor and friend".) was formally expelled from our congregation and several other congregations he was attending and "helping" at after we exposed him, because he kept lying about his behavior and would not repent. That meant that he would continue preying on vulnerable kids/families.

We even got the police involved, and hopefully they are keeping tabs on him, so when he crosses the line and evidence can cause him to be arrested and incarcerated, he will finally be arrested. In our case, the police said he got away with it...it was one kid's word against an adult. No other evidence or major laws broken. Just contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and the DA didn't want to bother with it.

Is your pastor going to handle this privately or publicly? Is he going to remove her from her post permanently? He should. She needs to be mentored by older women, not mentoring younger women and men.

In our case, I was told OW/pastor's daughter had an A two years earlier. She got caught, the OM and his entire family (8 children in tow) moved out of town b/c of the pain on his W.) and the church almost split, but didn't.

After her A with my H, they removed her from her post for a few weeks, then she was right back. A couple of years after her A w/my H there was a major split in the church because of other issues, and daughter's A and how the church handled it didn't help things..

Telling you all this, because I can sympathize with you, as we have some similarities: it happened in and to people in our church. (Some) Leaders will be scrambling to do damage control, and you and your children may be victimized further by the efforts of leadership to protect the church's image.

If it is out in the open, there can be no lying gossip. I prefer that.

As for our home church (where we had attended before H moved), the A did not destroy it. No one gossiped because they were told what happened by my H. People were loving to me, and respectful of my H because he came completely clean about the A...not the porn, because it wasn't found out by me until later, after we had moved.

Get ready for a rocky ride in your M and in your church.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Topic Posts: 70