SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Speaking your mind.
Sparkles
Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Did any of you ever get to really tell your spouse what you thought of them and their behavior? Kind of stick it to them a bit? Not just to be vengeful but to have your say.

Since mine just kind of took off and we have been NC, I know rationally that there is no point. Emotionally is a different story...

I am so sick of being the better person, sucking it up so the kids and I can move forward and taking the high road. I've written letters I don't send to get it off my chest. I know that the people he talks to all either work for him or want something from him so I doubt any of them would ever step up and say "What the hell are you doing to your wife and family???"

I would like to know what you said to your wayward spouse and how they responded. Did it make you feel better?


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: In a better place
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I haven't. I've wrote letters and didn't send them. And I have posted vents here. I have vented and cried in IC. I know that if I had told him, any response from him would have pissed me off. It would have been a lose/lose situation. He doesn't deserve to see me lose my shit on him. He gets crickets, NC, and indifference even when it hurt inside.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Oct 2012
chikastuff
Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

What I really think of him? Directly? No. I did, however tell him that the reason why I wasn't friendly with his fiancee was because I wasn't willing to invest the energy in something temporary.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
SilverFlame
New Member
Member # 39929
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Normally I am quite emotionally restrained. I try to be rational and objective.
However, when I confronted my wayward fiancé I really let rip. We had quite a few discussions and sometimes I said the most vicious things to hurt him or drive home a point. I used ugly descriptors to tell him what I thought of OW: skank, whore, slut. I called him emotionally bankrupt, a liar a cheat... I let him have it!! Why because he has bad boundaries and showed incredibly poor judgement. He thought it was ok... Not so!!
I sent him an email where I bared my soul.
He fucking gets it!!
He understands the hurt he has caused.
I didnt care about our relationship at first - I wanted to hurt him back. All I had was words. And I did. Strange thing, my behavior was completely out of character- it completely shocked him into seeing what he had done.
We are Ring. Do I regret being a vile mouthed vicious hurtful bitch? No.
I was hurt and I showed him what he had done. I am lucky that he is truelly remorseful and thought the hell that rained down on him was deserved.


Me 37 BGF
Him WBF
Relationship of two years.

Him: inappropriate emails with ex girlfriend. She was OW during his last marriage. OW- skank with no morals or ethics (personal or professional)
D-Day mid July 2013


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I told him shortly after DDay what was on my mind. He didn't care, didn't respond. I spoke up during MC, but again, he was mostly mute. After several more discoveries and DDays, I had one final say in a letter I wrote him when I kicked him out of the house. No response from him on that, either. Nothing I said made any difference as far as outcome, and by that time I knew nothing I could say would reach him. However, for my own peace of mind I needed to be able to say I'd tried everything and said everything I possibly could.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I did. Unfortunately, it was ill-timed, as unplanned explosions often are.

It ended up costing me extra time, energy, and diplomacy because I did it in the middle of working on our settlement agreement.

Felt good to get it out, but my timing was less than ideal, and it didn't change ANYTHING he was thinking or doing, and actually made my life harder. Live and learn.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22712 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I did once, many months ago. It was a very brief rant, two days after DDay.

His reply was to defend OW and nearly leave again. Big clue, there.

Since he's long gone and we're divorcing, I haven't said much about it lately. I don't have a lot of energy and he's so pompous now, it would be ignored or he would yell.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Yes and no. What I felt and what I said weren't the same magnitude. What I said was very tame and not at all derogatory but I think it clearly expressed how horrible I thought he as being. In fact, when I tell anyone what I said they go " That's it?" or "I would have said/done a lot more than that!"

Despite the mildness in my words (didn't even curse!), his response was to use what I said to pretend like I was in the wrong as much as he was. His affair would come up and he would immediately bring up my response to his affair as though my words caused his actions instead of the other way around. The fact that I had any negative reaction at all was out of line in that warped head of his.

He would also start talking in circles and bring up totally unrelated things. Basically, I would get everything off my chest and then feel like I just had a conversation with someone who was mentally handicapped. It was more frustrating than anything else.

I tried to choose my words carefully because I mistakenly thought that how I said something made any difference at all in getting through to him. If he couldn't twist my words around he would act like he couldn't grasp what I was saying. When either of those options failed he didn't acknowledge what I was saying at all.

But he knows how I feel. I don't think anything I said got the point across as much as my ignoring the hell out of him.

His lack of remorse makes him a horrible person IMO. I loathe who he has shown himself to be. I care so little for him that I don't even care about what he thinks I think of him. If he managed to delude himself into thinking anything different, I don't care.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 5:25 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I did and it made me feel better for a nanosecond but realised he was enjoying the ego kibbles.

He told me during False R that in the 8 weeks right after DD when we were first S he would seek me out just to interact - it didn't matter if we were fighting or a negative interaction, he just wanted contact.

He told me this so I would see it as a romantic gesture - at the time I was confused about it but I did think it was kind of cruel. I was in a terrible place emotionally and acted like a wild animal backed into a corner. Yet there he was putting his needs/wants ahead of mine or anyone else's yet again.

I don't remember everything I said. I remember calling him a piss-weak little man, a pathetic excuse for a human being. A liar, a fraudster - a giant steaming pile of shit.

I wanted to hurt him but you can't hurt a narcissist who loathes themselves. They have no feelings save for love/hate as a single emotion.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4576 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
LeapofFaith04
New Member
Member # 39150
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I just did this today - twice. I guess its a response to his request to introduce the OW to my DS. I raged at him told him he was a POS, a cheater, a liar and all the other mean things I could come up with. All it did was make me angrier because his responses made me realize just how far apart we are. In the end, DS will meet OW on Saturday.

But now I feel worse than ever. It's back to crickets for me because it felt better to think he did not exist anymore. Just that guy who drops off my son.


BW - 35 (me)
WH - 36
DS - 4
Married - 2004 (together 11 1/2 years total)
D-day - 1/27/13

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2013 | From: leapoffaith04
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, August 16th (Friday)

On DDay#1 my immediate reaction was to go into fix-it mode and, automatically assuming that WS would want to R, I started talking about MC and how close we were going to be once we worked through this, etc etc.

Slowly I began to realize that he was *saying* he wanted R... but none of his comments and actions really showed me he totally *wanted* R.

So for about two days I went back and forth a bit. When he seemed to be working on R and was being open and honest with me, we had some really productive and calm convos. When he said shitty things to me, I shot off some monologues that would make Scorsese blush. I even mused out loud about suicide at one point. I seriously snapped a few times.

Within 72 hrs of DDay#1, however, I began to realize I was the one finding the MC referrals, calling, working on R, figuring out plane schedules and where we might go if we took leaves from our jobs in order to go full-time into R.

I called him and pointed out that a) he was hardly calling *me* and b) he hadn't once asked me how I was doing (all of his texts were "*I* am sad/miss you/etc etc"). He told me he thought he had a pretty good idea of how I was feeling.

That's when I started 180.

I never really had a freak out again. Controlled and calm the rest of the way until I NCed him.


BS / D

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jun 2013
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, August 16th (Friday)

No, I never did.
I've told him off many times in my head and here in D/S. Sometimes I wish he was smart enough to find me on here so he could read my rants.
But I also know that the silence KILLED him. He craves and thrives off drama and there was no way that I was going to give that fucker what he wanted.


ish kabibble

Posts: 4205 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
clralb
Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Oh, yeah, I ripped him apart verbally the night I found out.

I had a lot of pent-up anger towards him and lots of resentment that I always held in.

I should have left him long ago. His affair is what pulled the trigger.


BS Divorced.

They were right about you.


Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Oh, I spoke my mind. Over and over and over. (In my defense, he goaded me by pretending I was invisible and he was deaf---a personality-disordered version of the Victorian cut direct, as it were.)

The only difference it made was to convince him I was the crazy bitch he always claimed I was.

Well, that, and it kept me from imploding.

Still, I have to say, I'm not huge on the "be the bigger person" (because, well, it wouldn't matter what I did--I'm the bigger person), but it did make me feel less in control of my emotions that I would have liked.

That said, infidelity gave me one gift: the understanding that having and expressing negative emotions (something I had not ever learned to handle, as my FOO AND marriage implicitly forbade them) will not kill me.

I also learned, though, that feeling them without expressing them is often the best route to take.

[This message edited by solus sto at 3:42 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7968 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Sparkles
Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, August 16th (Friday)

I appreciate all your stories! Thank you for sharing.

I wish I had the ability to explain to him how much damage and hurt he has caused to me and our children - I'm just not articulate enough and he couldn't care less it seems.

Back to silence and keeping my eyes peeled for the karma bus.


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: In a better place
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Oh honey. A pulitzer prize winning author couldn't explain any of it to him and make a difference.

He is deaf and blind by choice - not from lack of information.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4576 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I did a few of the yelling tell offs. I think the one I felt the most (I'm not sure about him) was right after DD#2. I very calmly told him that the man he had become is not someone I would have ever chosen to be the father of my children, marry, or even date.

I held on for a year after that waiting for him to make the changes I needed. He made many of them but, in the end, could not be transparent about the past and present. No major lies that I know of. Just not someone I was willing to risk my heart with again. Not trustworthy.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2012
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

No. In my case, doing that would not have benefited me at all.
It would benefit him:

1.it would be evidence that I am crazy and unstable as he says

2. it would feel his drama llama, keep him engaged and attention-providing even it is negative attention

3. it would "prove" that I am just "not over him" and "want him back"


If he were the last man on earth I'd become homo or asexual.


Posts: 4610 | Registered: Dec 2009
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I wrote many letter and sent them and it made me feel better in the short term. But he barely ever responded to them so it didn't help in the long run. I think it was something I needed to do at the time; like part of the healing process, but now I won't give him the time of day.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1514 | Registered: Aug 2010
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Honestly? I don't really recall if I ever really let him have it to his face. I wrote reams of notes that never got mailed, wrote floods of emails that never got sent, yelled at floors, walls, pillows and the shower curtain.

I probably did tell him, but I'm sure he blew me off. Which I'm sure only angered me more. I know deep down nothing I say has an impact and only serves as a vehicle for him to turn it all into his favorite game "How Many Ways Can We Belittle LadyQ". So, I just quit playing.

I think THAT made me feel better than any "telling off" ever would. And not because I'm the bigger person, but because I'm a BETTER person....


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 20