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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Bullies Under Pressure
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Just wanted to check in during "Hell Week". Meetings every day this week, high pressure divorce meetings with so many triggers.

But you know what?

I'm learning a lot about myself, some I knew before and some I've only had impressions of.

I titled my post "Bullies Under Pressure" because today was our first divorce court hearing. It was really interesting. The differences in Perv and I are starting to stand out and not only are people noticing, but society type things are noticeable, too.

Little details are usually not noticed by him, like being timely, so one thing they did was hold us up...I was there early as my nerves get worse as I get later to arrive anywhere, so it's a coping mechanism and it helps.

Anyway, it was fascinating for me because I enjoy the psychology of people. Perv hired a bully of a man for a lawyer, who is also a big man physically. He kept bumping into things and folding his hands...he could not sit down for more than a minute, could not look me in the eye...dropped his briefcase and guess what? Only one paper in it!

During the proceedings, the bully came out, the traditional lawyer insults and interruptions and such, but my lawyer is kind of funny and treats him like a little kid or ignores it.

Some things I am ok with (happy just doesn't seem right?) and some of the money things Perv got "taken to the cleaners" and could be heard whining all the way out the door. He himself was very antsy, asked to sit near me, (I said "whatever") and find he doesn't phase me too much right now.

He was interesting, full of feeling social, asking about the baby, strolling memory lane...at the beginning, but not the end.

It's helped me a little with getting through another day on earth without direction, to see how much of it is a farce. I've been bullied my whole life and found ways to get around them and now seems to be through the law and money.

Perv is the proverbial phenagler and it isn't working anymore. A lot of things are ironic, too many to list, because he wanted his "freedom"...but is actually getting more responsibility financially and now also has OW yanking his sleeve.

It's surreal to go through the proceedings, isn't it? I am like a crazy person with my emotions raging right now, but the main thing that came through is that I won full physical custody of each child. I understand many things about it now, including that I can't stop him from "introducing" them, but it made my heart a little warmer to know that even though he's very glittery right now (guilted fun dad), I am the stable one.

It was interesting to hear him whine and see his lawyer nervous.

And even though I was stifling tears, it was actually I who was the most together-I lugged all my copies of anything and anytime the guy asked for a paper, I had it. I don't horn toot often, but I was very proud leaving, because Perv and his L were asking me for a copy by the end, when last time, were making fun of me. Don't worry, I didn't give it directly to them!

L says that we may finish in a few months and be on our way...it's the strangest of feelings to sort through and I want to find out a way to keep the "happy" ones higher.

I guess in some ways it became a contest for me, too, because every time the bill goes up for Perv, I consider it a win against OW...it's terrible, but maybe a way to cope.

Only a few things came for me and may be temporary, but the big one is the kids. Maybe I can sleep more than two hours tonight.

Thanks for the airing-out of my brain. I wanted to share some of the feelings and crazy emotions. I was so wrecked this morning and last night that I couldn't breath.

But...it's done. Part one is done.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Congratulations on your first milestone. You are much stronger than you realize.

Sounds like it was overall a good experience for you that reminded you of who you are and of your worth.

You should be proud of yourself. I hope you sleep peacefully this evening.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 394 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

(((HUGS))))

Sounds like you did great!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9461 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Sparkles
Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Way to go!

Despite the stressful situation, you sound strong and in control.

I hope I hold up as well during my trial. Keep it up!!


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: In a better place
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

You GO Ash!!! Your strength has been a huge inspiration for me.

((((HUGS))))

You got this.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1006 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Sounds like things went good today.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4729 | Registered: Feb 2008
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I'm so proud of you Ash and I'm thrilled about custody.

It is weird to see them now with our eyes open - I find myself wondering how I didn't see it for so long.

A little mantra I say to myself when the going gets tough: "It is darkest right before dawn."


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I am like a crazy person with my emotions raging right now, but the main thing that came through is that I won full physical custody of each child. I understand many things about it now, including that I can't stop him from "introducing" them, but it made my heart a little warmer to know that even though he's very glittery right now (guilted fun dad), I am the stable one.

It was interesting to hear him whine and see his lawyer nervous.

And even though I was stifling tears, it was actually I who was the most together-I lugged all my copies of anything and anytime the guy asked for a paper, I had it. I don't horn toot often, but I was very proud leaving, because Perv and his L were asking me for a copy by the end, when last time, were making fun of me.

This has me grinning from ear to ear!! You got custody, AND you are just sounding so CONFIDENT, and IN CONTROL!!!!

I love it ashland!! I knew you had it in you to get through this!


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5405 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Thank you, Everybody. The cheers mean a lot.

All my life, I've been known as this anxious mousy person. Perv is a huge personality, the youngest of a large herd of children.

People are finally seeing me for me and that even though I live with chronic anxiety, I'm not stupid. When he left, no one thought I could do anything to fend for myself or children and that I would come crumpling down...he did, too.

But being chronically anxious is an odd thing, because when the heat is truly on, I find myself standing taller and I've already done the worrying. It makes me over-prepare and him and others do less and spend their time cleaning up their errors.

It was heart warming to hear and see the other lawyer realize I was put together, in actuality and have merit. I will admit that I've been a secretary for 12 years and a legal one for 8, so my main intimidations were not having to pay money for future things-and the custody-because I don't have any! that is to say, that being in the courthouse itself was not intimidating and the actual lawyers were not, but I think he was a little unnerved. It was interesting to see the switch.

I don't know if I will do so well at the next one, but L did a little dance when we left-he thought we did well and also enjoyed the squirming.

Oh...this did make me smile and I wanted to share it...Perv whined in front of the probate officer about money (again) and got shushed several times. The officer asked him to speak up and he got elbowed, while I was finally able to say nothing.

It's interesting to be seen as one person and not part of a couple, also. Basically I was overshadowed and stepped aside because it kept the peace and now people are seeing and hearing of who I am.

I don't know who I will be a the end, but am finding lately that I don't always care, either. I was very pent up as a married person, wanting everything right and maybe I'm also loosening up now.

And, I wonder if some of it from today was because of how authentically I live? It's to the point of being made fun of, my rule following, but in the long run and when the going gets tough, I didn't have a darn thing to hide today.

And, I did not cry. Not one tear.

Thanks, everybody. I try to share the good and not just whine.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 6:27 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

People are finally seeing me for me and that even though I live with chronic anxiety, I'm not stupid. When he left, no one thought I could do anything to fend for myself or children and that I would come crumpling down...he did, too.

I bet your ex is finally seeing you too and that strength probably scares the crap out of him because it's something he doesn't have and never will. His confidence is phony and based solely on the feedback others give him. That means his can crumble very easily and I bet it's already cracking pretty badly! Your strength is built on a solid foundation. You are so strong that he should be up all night worried about how much he has screwed himself over. If he doesn't it's only because he is too stupid to get it.

He thought he was going to break you but did the opposite. I hope that jackass is starting to see that all of this time his strength was you. He is a weak, cowardly, idiotic, pathetic excuse for a man and he had to make you feel weak for him to be strong in comparison.

Congrats on getting through part 1! I hope it gets easier and easier going forward.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

You have grown and blossomed so much on SI in the months you've been here. I'm sure the in-person transformation is even more amazing.

Great job!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3296 | Registered: Dec 2011
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 16th (Friday)

You sound so strong! Congratulations on making it through and getting full physical custody.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4605 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 12