Just wanted to check in during "Hell Week". Meetings every day this week, high pressure divorce meetings with so many triggers.
But you know what?
I'm learning a lot about myself, some I knew before and some I've only had impressions of.
I titled my post "Bullies Under Pressure" because today was our first divorce court hearing. It was really interesting. The differences in Perv and I are starting to stand out and not only are people noticing, but society type things are noticeable, too.
Little details are usually not noticed by him, like being timely, so one thing they did was hold us up...I was there early as my nerves get worse as I get later to arrive anywhere, so it's a coping mechanism and it helps.
Anyway, it was fascinating for me because I enjoy the psychology of people. Perv hired a bully of a man for a lawyer, who is also a big man physically. He kept bumping into things and folding his hands...he could not sit down for more than a minute, could not look me in the eye...dropped his briefcase and guess what? Only one paper in it!
During the proceedings, the bully came out, the traditional lawyer insults and interruptions and such, but my lawyer is kind of funny and treats him like a little kid or ignores it.
Some things I am ok with (happy just doesn't seem right?) and some of the money things Perv got "taken to the cleaners" and could be heard whining all the way out the door. He himself was very antsy, asked to sit near me, (I said "whatever") and find he doesn't phase me too much right now.
He was interesting, full of feeling social, asking about the baby, strolling memory lane...at the beginning, but not the end.
It's helped me a little with getting through another day on earth without direction, to see how much of it is a farce. I've been bullied my whole life and found ways to get around them and now seems to be through the law and money.
Perv is the proverbial phenagler and it isn't working anymore. A lot of things are ironic, too many to list, because he wanted his "freedom"...but is actually getting more responsibility financially and now also has OW yanking his sleeve.
It's surreal to go through the proceedings, isn't it? I am like a crazy person with my emotions raging right now, but the main thing that came through is that I won full physical custody of each child. I understand many things about it now, including that I can't stop him from "introducing" them, but it made my heart a little warmer to know that even though he's very glittery right now (guilted fun dad), I am the stable one.
It was interesting to hear him whine and see his lawyer nervous.
And even though I was stifling tears, it was actually I who was the most together-I lugged all my copies of anything and anytime the guy asked for a paper, I had it. I don't horn toot often, but I was very proud leaving, because Perv and his L were asking me for a copy by the end, when last time, were making fun of me. Don't worry, I didn't give it directly to them!
L says that we may finish in a few months and be on our way...it's the strangest of feelings to sort through and I want to find out a way to keep the "happy" ones higher.
I guess in some ways it became a contest for me, too, because every time the bill goes up for Perv, I consider it a win against OW...it's terrible, but maybe a way to cope.
Only a few things came for me and may be temporary, but the big one is the kids. Maybe I can sleep more than two hours tonight.
Thanks for the airing-out of my brain. I wanted to share some of the feelings and crazy emotions. I was so wrecked this morning and last night that I couldn't breath.
But...it's done. Part one is done.Ashland 13
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge