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Reconciliation
User Topic: Struggling - they still work together.
pewpewpew
Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I'm past a year out from dday.
They work together. Every. Day.
WTF.
How am I supposed to EVER feel safe again?
We get to where we are doing great R wise but I'm always two steps forward, one step backward - because of this.
I tell WH every day she needs to find a new job. It's not possible for him to leave - that's another story. I can't say too much reasoning without feeling my anonymity is jeopardized.
I know the A is over. I feel differently than I did when my gut was screaming.
I just hate knowing he sees her. Every day. Anytime he may feel lonely or unappreciated - she's there.
They had an understanding. Rules per say. She knew he wasn't leaving me and vice versa.
I cannot move forward knowing this. It eats at me.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

((pewpewpew))
I really have no advice. I'm so sorry.
no, I don't think you can recover while they work together...
I couldn't do it.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4933 | Registered: Dec 2010
pewpewpew
Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

That's where I am at.

I try. I try not to "hang it over his head" per say but really?!?!
Does he really think I am able to recover while they are 10 feet away from each other?
I honestly believe he feels it will "go away" after awhile...


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Pew

Even though I am blessed not to have this situation it hasn't stopped me from having the dicussion with my RWH. I have told him that, if we hadn't moved away and he didn't have a new job that there would be no way in hell I would ever be able to get over the A. I too would be lost in wonder of a ReA. She was the aggressor. To be honest I don't think my H could work near her either. He is quite ill at the fact that she was so weasly and manipulative during the A.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

It sucks...I'm in the same situation. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that is paying for their mistakes. They lost nothing and changed nothing. Any chance she'll leave on her own? Can he fire her?

Posts: 666 | Registered: Jul 2013
pewpewpew
Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

No. And he kept saying anytime now, she'll quit.
A year later...


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I'm in the exact situation as well. I can't take it. Their secret is safe, their lives go on as normal. Are they still pawing at eachother behind closed office doors? I don't *think* so, but I really don't know, how can I? I can't even stand it. I feel this will be a big obstacle for R for us as well.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I get it. My WH and OW are 30 feet apart at the work place. The have meetings together almost everyday and exchange several emails daily.

I do believe it is done, but I just don't like that he still spends more time "with" her than me and that who knows what his is thinking every time he sees her. Does he like her outfit? Is she wearing a sundress to catch his eye? Does she make cute little inside jokes when they are in meetings or passing in the halls. It drives me crazy.

It has been two months and I still make him "report" to me each morning about what meetings they will have together and when. If they have meetings just with each other the door has to stay open and he has to call/text me immediately. At night he tell me about any other interactions.

I told him that I will not R if they are still on the same team. He has started the discussions to move teams.

I do feel for you, are they any other solutions? Different hours? Move desks? Change roles?


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 465 | Registered: Jul 2013
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Same here as well. 2 yrs 3 mos post Dday, & every single day when he leaves for work I wonder if they will see each other at work. WH claims that he has been transferred to another part of the building from OW, but how can I really know, I am not there & I don't have a spy inside the building. My gut is not screaming the same way as it was during the A, but it doesn't take much ( like if he is 5 min late coming home, or doesn't answer his cellphone at lunchtime) to make me get really paranoid.
I too believe that this has really hindered our R. My WH also has specific reasons that he can not leave this job which I believe are legitimate(its a very specialized job.)

Their secret is safe, their lives go on as normal

Yep, this too. WH did go thru having to live separately from our family for half a year after Dday &he has had to make a few changes, & is still going to MC with me. But OW has gone on with her life seemingly unscathed. In fact , I hear things are going great for her.
How is this fair?

[This message edited by mchercheur at 8:14 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Dec 2012
stillsad1970
Member
Member # 38977
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I am in the same situation, it kills me every min of the day WH is at work.
I'm sorry I cant give advice, I need some myself.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013
brainless twit
Member
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I'm in sort of R, sort of limbo with my XWH. First A was with a coworker, and second A was also with a coworker at a different job (who happens to be the first OW's cousin). Talk about trigger city!

Anyway, this time around, I didn't realize it was a PA at first. I just thought it was an EA (don't we all?) and he supposedly ended it. Then when I discovered the PA, I also found out that he had been continuing both the EA and PA the entire time. I'm not saying it's impossible for an A to stop when the two involved still work together, but I think it's very unlikely.

When it came down to it, XWH walked away from his job. Literally just walked out and didn't go back. I know that's not an option for everyone but I am so grateful it was for us. If he was still working with her, there's no way we would even be speaking right now. Hugs to everyone who is dealing with this because I know all too well how difficult it is.


"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.


Posts: 1541 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
Saleschick
Member
Member # 39772
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Same situation as well.
Problem is my long time partner owns a small business and the OW works in the very next office. I kept hearing the tune...she will be quitting. Another employee told her to do the right thing and leave but I do not think she ever will. In fact, the other employee decided to leave in part over the stress of the situation.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2013
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, August 16th (Friday)

I hear all of you. I was in the same situation - my H continued to work with OW for TWO AND HALF YEARS post DDay!

It was a struggle every. single. day.

Sure, the PA affair can be over but as long as they see each other every day and have any sort of contact the affair really isn't over. So many people here said that and its so true.

I get that its not so easy to leave a job - my H had a very specialized job - only 64 jobs of its type in the state! He finally did get another job. That first Monday he didn't go to his old job - oh boy - it felt so good. He has been gone from the old job a year now and even he says that his thinking was not what it should have been while he continued to work with her. NOW he gets it.

And its true - REAL reconciliation didn't begin until she was completely out of our lives. How could it?


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Nov 2007
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, August 16th (Friday)

Do people in the workplace know about the affair?
Do you go and visit him at work?
What does he do to reassure you? Access to emails, reports of contact, etc.......

(pewpewpew)


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8815 | Registered: Jan 2008
pewpewpew
Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, August 16th (Friday)

Yes a lot of people know. Some I'm sure believe their lies, that they were just friends and I'm a crazy jealous wife. Some I know we're in on it. Helping them cover their asses.
It is a family run business and I did out them to his family.
It has caused strain on my relationship with the in-laws since they allow her to continue working there.
I'm sure they are afraid of a lawsuit but oh well.
I do stop in sometimes - not often enough though. She has actually tried speaking to me!


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
Card
Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, August 16th (Friday)

Sure, the PA affair can be over but as long as they see each other every day and have any sort of contact the affair really isn't over. So many people here said that and its so true.

That's right....

The AP's trigger everyday.

Family business? And she's still there? What a shitty family.
Why can't H leave? Start his own business or move and work elsewhere? Is he under some sort of contract or is it just 'family' means more to him than his wife?



WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Changed72
Member
Member # 38723
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 16th (Friday)

Same situation here. At least now they don't have see each other. She tells me when she does see them, and they avoid each other.
Nobody knows about it at work, and it does feel like they ( the AP's) got away with it.
I also wonder if any coworkers notice they don't talk anymore. They used to go to the cafe together and walks during lunch.
This by far is the biggest hurdle for R for me. It would be such a huge relief for her to get another job, or if the AP's were struck by lightning.


Me-38
Her-41
Married 15 years
1 DD13
DDay 3-2-13
Working on R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2013
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Pew pew,

Ours is a family business as well. I didn't tell my inlaws anything because they will use it against us some how. No one in the family gets along very well. Family and business do not go well together. My MIL asked my husband if we were having problems the other day and my husband said just some communication issues. Then she asked if there was a problem with "that girl" so she knows something. I did get involved with the business once I suspected something. I made it so they don't work together unless I'm there. She also has to report back to me now instead of my husband. I don't think many people know but I'm sure some suspect. As itís obvious when their level of contact and communication dropped from excessive to none and his wife steps in. I'm sure employee's are looking at me like the crazy, jealous wife that won't let her husband communicate wih his manager anymore but I can live with that.


Posts: 666 | Registered: Jul 2013
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 16th (Friday)

What about his attitude? What does he do to reassure you?


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8815 | Registered: Jan 2008
pewpewpew
Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 16th (Friday)

He really doesn't do much to reassure me.
All he says is that all communication has ended. He says they do not talk. Period.
How can I believe that?
There is no work email, he comes home for lunch and also is home right after work.
During the A, he was coming home 1-1/2 hours later than normal.
I have the find my iPhone app on his phone. I'm 90% sure the A is over.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, August 16th (Friday)

(((PPP)))

How does he look at it??
Is he in communication with her?? Does she work right next to him?? Secretary etc...

When I was younger my WS was the super and he was her boss. SHe wanted my life she was scum...Ick seriously nasty nasty..Both OW were and still are to this day.
I kinda like running into them now! Haha!!

Each person has a different situation. But what it comes down to is what you can handle..

Now I am 48 and a lot older I can't believe I handled it as well as I did. I just figured he needed to look at the nasty OW and imagine he could of been stuck with that over me! Kinda of a punishment daily to him...
I am weird I guess...
I know if I messed around on my spouse I would feel horrid and to have too look at the OM would do me in. To have to look at that person daily would be my worst punishment.
My girl friend says oh hell it is just sex people make too much of it..Yep other people just look at stuff differently.
My spouse worked at that job for 1 year after the last OW.
IDK it all just sucks..
My spouse did nothing to make me feel safe.
I look back and wonder myself how I made it. But I know I just figured if he wanted scum he could have them. I would be ok.
'Cause I was a better person then them! (still am)

You have to decide if you are willing to stay in this marriage with them working with each other. If he isn't willing to leave his current job or her leave.
I knew my


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Have you asked your husband or inlaws to fire her?

Posts: 666 | Registered: Jul 2013
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

It sucks. It really really sucks. It's only now, 6 years later, that I find the thought of her at his workplace annoying rather than stomach-churning. But I felt like you did for at least 4 years.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8815 | Registered: Jan 2008
RedRose
Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Pew,
My WH continued to work with OW after I found out about the A. He also would call me from work, and get home right on time, where before Dday he was always at least 1 1/2 hours late. Despite telling me it was over, and that they avoided each other, the A continued. Fortunately, she quit last week after I sent her BH a letter outing the A. I was never able to trust him while they still worked together.

((Pew))

[This message edited by RedRose at 7:11 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2013
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I have to share that the OW is on vacation this week!!! I have forgotten what it feels like to not have to worry about anything while he's at work. Or to not see her name pop up on either one of our phones. It's so nice! I wish she would just stay gone forever.

Posts: 666 | Registered: Jul 2013
knockedforsix
Member
Member # 31383
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I had to contend with them working together for eight months after D day. I understand how completely devastating it is to have that fear and anger every single day!

In my case I made some very clear demands ie any email communication between them I was to be shown - even when it was just cc on an email chain and I was to be given a blow by blow description of any or all conversations that had together in a meeting context.

I went further I demanded that there should NEVER be any one on one conversations. Luckily for me WH's male EA had been a BH (twice) so had a very dim view of infidelity so I confided in him and asked him to watch my back ie let me know if I was being taken for a ride. My WH really hated that he knew because he was worried he would think less of him - well duh!!

He was terrific and just inserted himself into any interaction that OW tried to initiate.

I also demanded that if OW wouldn't leave then her duties should be reassigned so she was out of the office most of the week.

The days she was out of the office provided some comfort but it was only after we left and moved to another state and I felt reconciliation could progress and I could achieve any degree of comfort and a feeling of safety.

My advice would be to make some fairly stringent demands - anything you need to make you feel safe. Passively accepting the status quo is clearly not working for you.

Best wishes.


Me BS 49
Him WS 55
Married 13 years together 14
D Day 13 Feb 11
R going well despite the odd setback. Starting to believe we will make it.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Australia
Saleschick
Member
Member # 39772
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

My Significant other refused to find a way to let his married employee go...cut back her hours, eliminate that position, etc and she has refused to quit (another employee told me they suggested she do the right thing and quit and my SO confirmed the story). As a result, I told him I could not wait till he figured out his future between the two of us and we had settlement on our home of 20 years together today. He also lost another employee who quit and who did not want to get in the middle of their crazy work place affair.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2013
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

In the same boat, and I work for the same place. My WW and her AP had a thing 8 years ago just prior to me dating my WW. She was single and he was married and still is.

She got a new job this past January, he got demoted and ended up her boss. Two months later, affair time. Found out, false R, second phone, still wants to work the same job.

Really no place for her to go. I told his wife and threatened great bodily harm. He was scared for a while and now calls her for bullshit stuff. He is stupid, not brave. A serial cheater.

I can only hope our spouses are doing as they say.


Posts: 162 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Also pewpewpew, I love your motto at the bottom of your page.

Posts: 162 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 29