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Reconciliation
User Topic: Best advice your MC gave you?
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Waywards feel free to respond too!

So basically title of the thread, what techniques, words of wisdom resonated with you?

No matter how silly, sexual etc it is!
----------------------------
This is fantastic! I hope people keep adding to this as I at the very least have found this really inspiring!

[This message edited by lauren123 at 11:04 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Yakamishi
Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, August 16th (Friday)

What made all the diference for us was he explained to us how our anger was generated by fear. Once we were able to get down to the ugliness of the fear, our fights became much less frequent and rational. Progress finally became possible.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, August 16th (Friday)

That is great! Going to print these out and put them on the walls!


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
brainless twit
Member
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, August 16th (Friday)

Our MC told us last week that successful marriages are based on humility. Both partners have to be equally willing to let go of pride, both during disagreements and when one partner is unhappy with something the other is doing (or isn't doing). That seems so simple but it really changed the way I think about things. Now instead of trying to convince him to see my point of view, I worry more about making sure he can tell I care *despite* the fact that there's a conflict or problem. It has really improved the dynamics of our relationship in a short period of time.


"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.


Posts: 1538 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, August 16th (Friday)

Our MC recommended we each take IC and recommended a separate specific IC for my wife. My wife's IC was awesome.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14

Recovery is building a pyramid of inference from which to climb and see clearer, and heavy usage of the reflexive loop.


Posts: 690 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, August 16th (Friday)

My therapist told me that it's not a good predictor of success in a marriage if you can only be happy if the other person changes. (Probably why there is so much limbo in R -- we're all waiting for the other person to change/make an effort.)

Or, written another way, a M is only is strong as its weakest link.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 16th (Friday)

Our MC/IC was the same person. He has been exponentially the best decision we made in this whole process!

To me he said
- think of what makes you feel safe and ask for it. I do this every day and I will continue to remember this and ask for what I need for the rest of my life

- the mountain you have to climb will be as big as you make it. The time it takes to get to the top is irrelevant. take slow, easy but meaningful steps and look back often. Each step has something to teach you and make both of you better people.

To my husband he said:

- you are grieving for the person you thought you had been before the A. Now you must work hard to figure out exactly what man it is you really want to become.

The single biggest turning point in my healing process was when, in IC, my T commented on how different my energy was when my H wasn't in the room with us. How animated, passionate and strong I was. That made me stop in mid sentence and realize I was no longer a victim, that the person I had been before was still inside me. It gave me the courage to go home and calmly tell my H that if he wasn't going to put as much effort into R and into self discovery as I had been then I was now able to walk away....return to what I wanted to do before I met him. My calmness has remained with me since that day. To know I could do this without my H was liberating.

Lastly.....the best skill our MC gave us was how to stop sounding like a broken record when we tried to discuss things. He showed us how to communicate through our feelings rather then our defence mechanisms that were created in childhood. Showing us who we were and how we got that way and how each of our defences worked or didn't work together was incredible. Seeing our dysfunction in a simple drawing on the white board was life changing for both of us. Seeing it together, in the same MC session was priceless.

We will now go to a MC session every year just to revisit how we need to treat each other and speak to each other about what we feel inside. We no longer hold anything back. If we feel it we tell it to each other. No more hidden resentments for us.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 10:45 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 16th (Friday)

Seeing our dysfunction in a simple drawing on the white board

TxsT, is this a generic tool/diagram/drawing that could be shared here, or is specific to your M?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 16th (Friday)

The MC drew a picture of two people using round circles. One was me and was was my H.

Individually he asked us to describe ourselves in words....ie

Passionate, loyal, perfectionist, hard worker, people pleaser.

Then he asked a few questions based on our past experiences in life. The questions were based on IC sessions about how we grew up, what our family life was like, how we interacted with our parents, sibs, etc. he wanted to know how we felt about each relationship.

Ie.....anger at H, resentment for a father who was mentally abusive, hiding your feelings because you lived in a house where feelings were never discussed.

Then he showed us how the feelings and barriers that were caused by our past helped us become who we were and how we dealt with things

In my case my perfectionism was developed as a coping mechanism to disarm my fathers constant barrage of verbal abuse that I was stupid, dumb, unworthy. I thought, as a child, that if I was perfect at everything he would stop saying those things to me or had no reason to say them.

Then with all the "parts" on the board of who each of us were he told us and showed us how our dynamics together worked. Trust me when I say is was amazing to see. I could see exactly how, through my husbands parts board, the affair has started and why he was able to do what he did. It no longer was about me at all but about the way he had grown up, the environmental issues he faced as a child and what his biggest fears in life were. It also let us both know how the other person reacted when we behaved in the same manner as say our fathers had towards us when we were little.

I tend to repeat myself because I thought what ever I said was never heard by my father. He buries his feelings deep inside because he was taught not to bring them up. OMG this was liberating.

We still have our individual parts diagrams and refer to them often either on our own or together. When I have something very important I want to discuss with my H now I pull out his parts board and figure out how he might react and what might be the best way to approach what I had to say so I didn't bring parts into the equation.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 16th (Friday)

We did a circle thing- 3 circles-

1. Who we are
2. Who we want to be
3. Who we actually are

Counsellor said they should be completely centred/overlapped but most people are slightly off.

One that's stuck with me is when things were getting a bit heated and counsellor said "look, she's gone through the door and it's locked behind her- she can't go back. Now it's up to you if you want to pick the lock, it will take effort from both sides. She needs to stay close to the door, no matter how uncomfortable it is"

I know it's silly but it's a good way to put it.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 16th (Friday)

At one point, our MC turned to me and said:

"Before you agree to R, or try to work on R, you need to decide within yourself if what your partner did is forgivable, or not. Until you decide that, you won't be able to accept anything that he does. For some people, cheating is forgivable. For some people, it is not. You need to sit down and decide if you can forgive or not, and exactly what you need BEFORE we can discuss R."

That helped a lot. For a long time, I was unable to express what I needed for R, and that lead to WS feeling like nothing he did was good enough. He was right- he was trying, but since I didn't know what I needed, I couldn't express it to him. I just knew that what he was doing/giving wasn't what I was looking for.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, August 16th (Friday)

A couple of things.

Since we are long married he wanted both of us to look at the totality of our marriage. Was this behavior thru out our marriage and we needed to figure out what was wrong in our marriage that made it weak so something like this happened.
Also about the anger and rage that I felt and still do at times. He told me no matter how angry I am and how much I raged at what has happened, it has happened and no matter how angry or raging I felt its not going to change and the anger and rage is hurting me and our chances to successfully R. That's not to say that I don't have a right to be angry but I cant let it become consuming which it was.

[This message edited by jjsr at 11:34 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1593 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 16th (Friday)

this is a great thread. Thank you for starting it.

this has been eye opening:

Before you agree to R, or try to work on R, you need to decide within yourself if what your partner did is forgivable, or not. Until you decide that, you won't be able to accept anything that he does. For some people, cheating is forgivable. For some people, it is not. You need to sit down and decide if you can forgive or not, and exactly what you need BEFORE we can discuss R.

but also this:

Since we are long married he wanted both of us to look at the totality of our marriage.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4530 | Registered: Dec 2010
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Our MC was fantastic. He told me, in front of the Doosh, "he just doesn't get it. I'm really sorry that this may take longer than it should."

Then, a few weeks later he told me this man was not going to change and D was probably a better option to save myself. Best advice he gave me!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3523 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Happiness is not a light switch; it can be experienced by focusing on what you do have, and not dwelling on what you don't.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
niaveone
Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 16th (Friday)

The best thing my MC told us (mainly my WS) was that what I was experiencing as far as anxiety and panic goes, it was normal. I wasn't being dramatic, I wasn't trying to manipulate. It was because of HIS actions I was like this, and he could place NO BLAME on me. It wasn't until a trained professional told him this that he finally got it. He was angry at me for months, telling me I wasn't trying, I wasn't forgiving him quickly enough, I wasn't "bouncing back". He was accusing me and in turn making it all worse. It was at that moment that the MC faced WS and told him sternly this was ALL on him and his insecurities, did a light bulb finally go off for WS that he finally had to figure out what was wrong with HIM and quit trying to dissect me.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 16 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 193 | Registered: Aug 2013
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, August 16th (Friday)

I am bumping this post because I think it is one of the most positive and helpful things I have read here all week. I want to keep it coming to the top so others can add their experiences.


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Another great thing my MC said:

"At some point, whether the two of you are able to work things out or not, you need to get over the 'why' factor. There is never going to be an answer for why he cheated that is going to make sense or not raise more questions. You need to stop asking why because ultimately, does ir really matter? Is there any answer that he can give to the 'why' question that will make you say, 'oh, okay, in that case, it's fine,' or 'oh, that makes perfect sense, I get it.'? Stop focusing on the why. You are trying to find logic in the illogical. Instead of asking why, you should be focusing on the important questions: 'how do we move forward?' 'what do I need from him- if anything- in order to make this work?' 'how can I work on feeling better about myself?'"


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, August 16th (Friday)

That I will never have an acceptable answer to "why" (as mentioned) and that he will never be able to feel my pain.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Oooh this is my one:
Find a safe place outside of the home for conversations that could escelate to an argument, as we all have enviromental triggers.

Really loved that bit of advice!


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
disillusioned12
Member
Member # 37542
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, August 16th (Friday)

"At some point, whether the two of you are able to work things out or not, you need to get over the 'why' factor. There is never going to be an answer for why he cheated that is going to make sense or not raise more questions. You need to stop asking why because ultimately, does ir really matter? Is there any answer that he can give to the 'why' question that will make you say, 'oh, okay, in that case, it's fine,' or 'oh, that makes perfect sense, I get it.'? Stop focusing on the why. You are trying to find logic in the illogical. Instead of asking why, you should be focusing on the important questions: 'how do we move forward?' 'what do I need from him- if anything- in order to make this work?' 'how can I work on feeling better about myself?'"

I really really needed to read this. Thank you. I am driving myself crazy trying to rationalize what my FWH did.


BS (Me)
WS (STBXH)
Married 2 yrs; Together 6 yrs

D-Day 11/14/12
EA(PA?)
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold


Posts: 228 | Registered: Nov 2012
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

During those early days when I was so deeply hurt and was so unsure of what to do she said:

"You need to give this some time. If your leg was hurting and causing you tremendous pain I would hate to see you cut it off just to ease the pain."

A few years later we met with a MC and I really liked what he blurted out to my WH:

"I hope you appreciate this woman sitting before you. She could have easily tossed your fucking ass out the door for what you did"

Yes, he did say "fucking ass".

Although I loved that he poked that dagger into my WH I did not want to go back ~ That guy seemed a little bit crazy

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 1:29 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2094 | Registered: Nov 2011
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

These are so inspiring, I really hope some of our newer members can read this as well.

I really find the 'why' responses to be really helpful and enlightening. I don't think I will ever find out the 'why' and you know what... I don't really think it matters. As long as he can express whatever he is going through in an honest, healthy and transparent way.

I also love the analogy of the leg


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

a few things my IC said...

In regard to the question Why:

No answer he can give you will be good enough. You are trying to use to logic to solve an emotional issue. Emotions just are. They are often irrational. You cannot use logic and reason to try to solve this issue for you. You will drive yourself crazy searching for something that will never make 'sense' to you.

Regarding trust:

You can only choose to trust one day at a time. Based on actions he is showing right now, today. It is his repeated trustworthy actions, along with your choice to trust each day, that will move you forward into trusting him again for the longterm.

Regarding mind movies/ triggers/ and anxiety:

Keep it simple. Often what is racing through your mind are scenarios you have created. Think to yourself-What do you know vs what do you think....

She has many, I have to keep thinking.

Love this thread

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 4:28 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jun 2012
TimeToManUp
Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

We have not yet gone to MC. That's on me... TCD refused at first due to my abusive behavior, but has since expressed a willingness but I haven't gotten an authorization from our employee assistance program. I'll call first thing Monday! Anyway, I think both of us have been fearful that our stubbornness will get in the way of progress and maybe even exacerbate things. I have always considered myself more open to change and other viewpoints, and I think SI has opened my eyes about a lot of things, within myself and in general. I have always felt TCD was more closed-minded and unwilling to change. I also thought if she ever caught me cheating I would be out on my ass... Yet 20 months later here we are. I hope TCD will read this post and take something away from it, no matter how small. I know I will. Thank you all.


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

After I found out JM had broken NC multiple times, despite my devastation, heartbreak and pain, we sat in our MC's office. JM had his head in his hands and kept asking what was wrong with him. "I don't want to hurt my wife but it's all I do. I don't want to lie to her anymore but I keep doing it."

MC looked at him and said, "There is nothing wrong with you other than being a selfish jerk who does exactly what you want to do at any given time. If you want to quit lying, TELL THE TRUTH. If you want to stop hurting your wife, STOP HURTING YOUR WIFE. Stop doing things that are guaranteed to cause her pain and destruction."

It was so simple, and so ruthless. I thought JM would start bleeding for a minute, because it cut him to the core. But it worked.

The other thing that MC told him that day was, "The next time you get one of those urges to call or text OW, just take a baseball bat and start whaling on HF. I guarantee it will hurt her less."


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

No more hidden resentments for us.

This one resonates with me...I need to initiate this and hope WH is strong enough to deal with what I need to tell him and maybe share his resentments with me.

Great thread!


Posts: 573 | Registered: Nov 2010
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Cool  Posted: 5:38 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

HFSSC: your mc sounds great!

TimeToManUp: counselling can be expensive *sigh* , but such an investment!


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

HFSSC: your mc sounds great!

He is. That session was, um, DAYUM. I went in there absolutely livid and ready to kill my H. By the time MC was done, I almost felt sorry for JM. But he knew exactly what to say and how to say it to get through.

He's given me some zingers too, that were well deserved. He is definitely equal-opportunity when it comes to that.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

The MC held me back after what would be the last session and told me in different terminology to 180 fWS. My being kind and understanding weren't doing it. She said fWS needed a dose of her possible future. That seemed to work better than any of the talking, "sharing", exercises, etc.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2081 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Deanna
Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Our MC told us this right off the bat:
1. If my husband wasn't willing to tell the whole truth don't expect reconcilliation. That TT kills our chances of recovery.
2. That some couples come through infidelity stronger and more in love than ever. (He was right!)


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1392 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
inhishands55
Member
Member # 9454
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

My XH wouldn't go to MC, so I went to a IC...He told me to run and not stop..To not take him back or he was going to kill me...Not physically but mentally...He told me to protect the child within...

He told me he would council me as long as I stayed away from him..If I was to take him back, he would send me to someone else...Best advice I ever received...


Posts: 408 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: The Tarheel State, in the mts.
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I've printed them off! I'm glad this has also been an extra little push for members to go to mc!

Yay!


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Love this thread! I'm not coming up with any specific words of wisdom from our MC/IC, although she's been very calming and reassuring. I kind of like HFSSC's 2x4 wielding MC... Might be more effective.

Also like that suggestion of just taking a bat to the BS -- it would hurt less -- now, ain't that the truth???

I hope some more folks come on line with other good tips!

Thanks.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
healingk
Member
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Great thread!!! Thanks to all for sharing! We were not able to go to MC due to finances and the fact that we live 1.5 hours from a town large enough that has one.


Ws 59
Bs me--57
Married 39 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Also like that suggestion of just taking a bat to the BS -- it would hurt less -- now, ain't that the truth???

I know, right? I think that image, more than any other thing, is what got through to JM.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Ours said, "we will always find a way to get our most important needs met."

It hurt as the BS, but I have found it to be true.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Thank you for all this input. We are trying R again - it's been a long road - almost 6 years after Dday but lots of trickle truths. Never been to counseling but H going to CR (Celebrate Recovery) and I'm here at SI. I got a lot of good reading and inspiration out of all the threads. Thank you. God bless.


Me: BS (61)
Him: WH (64
Married: 41 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2009
ming56
Member
Member # 19505
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Very happy to see so many positive responses. Sometimes it seems like therapists just get ripped here, and of course there are a lot of bad ones out there. In our case the lady we went to saved our marriage. The scene was that after about six months of seeming recovery after having started going to her weekly, my wife suddenly flipped out and tried to contact her EA partner. This was tied to the death of an old co worker they both were close to, and so while attending the funeral I was preparing to seperate. I had no hope when we went to what I thought would be our last family therapy session, but she detected the shame and defense in an idle comment my wife made while trying to explain her behavior, and just like that the lights went on and my wife started to understand how her past made her always hide from and deny pain and difficulty. She essentially considered her partner in crime to be an equal f--- up as her, and would reach out to him when she started to fell self-loathing in the extreme. Thanks to the therapist being so perceptive to pick up on her language my wife was able to start to integrate the good and bad sides she always felt divided by and integrate them into one whole person. Now she can experience discomfort without seeking immediate remedies, and understands the good, the bad, and the ugly are all part and parcel of who she is and that she does not have to be the "bad girl" or the "good girl." She just has to be her and make the right choices and not succumb to the fear she lived with for years while suffering from PTSD. We have recommended this lady to anybody and everybody who experiences problems, so much in fact we are thinking we should start getting a finders fee for our referals!

Posts: 305 | Registered: May 2008 | From: east coast
nowgood
New Member
Member # 40145
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

"Trust me when I say is was amazing to see. I could see exactly how, through my husbands parts board, the affair has started and why he was able to do what he did. It no longer was about me at all but about the way he had grown up, the environmental issues he faced as a child and what his biggest fears in life were. It also let us both know how the other person reacted when we behaved in the same manner as say our fathers had towards us when we were little."

This is exactly what was pointed out to us. My WH's father had died suddenly, and the OW (we don't use the word W any longer) was a friend of his Dad, and psychopath who swooped in in the middle of a lot of emotional upheaval for us (I was taking care of a brother with terminal illness and a mom with dementia among other things- seriously who with any decency at all does this to anyone, but a psychopath?) .

So, my WH realized that the A was really about his relationship with his father and living up to his expectations/ideals which were pretty crappy. And the OW just happened to be the one there, nothing special, but simply the one that had shared equally corrupt values like his dad.

Deep bows of gratitude as we both always knew he needed additional counseling, this just got him there sooner.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

My IC asked me that if W had another A would I be prepared ... that resonated with me ... that pushed me to count on W less - to depend on me more.

Posts: 1929 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 9th (Monday)

bump


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
movingbackwards
Member
Member # 40612
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, September 9th (Monday)

This thread is great. We've only had one session so far... MC told my WH that he needed to realize that even though he felt better not hiding things anymore and having this off his chest, now I was the one having to live with it and the exact opposite was going on for me.


You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, September 9th (Monday)

movingbackwards: that's very true. I think my wh struggled with that concept in the beginning as well


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I too fell C's get a bit of a bad rap and I also worry for those who chose not to get professional help at all. Are those people really going to be able to get to the very bottom of the pile of crap, exactly where you need to get to before you can start to climb???

I am so glad I let my H chose the C and I am glad that this C has been such an incredible part of our journey.not pushy, no homework, he expects us to work it out on our own when we feel we can. We respected him for that. It made us feel he wasn't hosing us in our time of need. He remains a good friend and trusted advisor to both of us. We text and email updates which he shares with us. We wouldn't be here today without him.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

He was a wonderful MC, I'm sure we wouldn't be in happy R without his input. Two main things he told us-first my husband had to be honest with me about the affair ans associated porn and chat websites. That took him a while to grasp, but I think we've trawled through the worst of it.Second,for us to move on we had to learn to communicate better. He pointed out how discussions and arguments,to do with the affair or anything else, tended to end up going round in circles or end up as point scoring excercises,and how damaging this was-basically we had to learn to really listen to and acknowledge each other's views (whilst not necessarily agreeing with them),and if our talks ever got too heated or circular one of us had to put a stop to it and take time out. Best advice I've ever had


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 206 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Not so much advice as a comment.

When we started MC, first session, I told the story of what has been going on. He asked a few follow up questions about the M in general. Then he turned to me and said, "Wert, this doesn't seem to have much to do with you does it?"

At the time I was all taken aback because you know, I WAS WRONGED! In retrospect I know what he was saying. This wasn't on me and wasn't' my problem to fix. It wasn't and it's not.

By the second MC session I figure that out and once I really accepted that fact I have been pretty darn good ever since. Now its just a matter of evaluating her progress behavior and determining if I want the M anymore. I do and she is doing pretty well. She still struggles with how she messed up, but she is talking to me better than she ever has.

For us MC didn't start for many months after d-day maybe 9 or so. I think that is a good thing. I think there is a real danger in going to MC right away. It sends the message that the A is a M problem and not a personal one.

take care...



Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jan 2012
morethantrying
Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, October 21st (Monday)

this is such a great thread! It is helping me. Best advise? If you know the good wolf bad wolf story...don't believe ANYTHING the bad wolf tells you.


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 263 | Registered: Sep 2013
Neznayou
Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, November 22nd (Friday)

Conflict avoidance was a major part of my standard operating procedures. I grew up in one of those houses where emotions were not discussed and everybody was happy (or expected to be). I never saw my parents argue or disagree about anything.

Needless to say, DDay brought to light more conflict than I had ever seen or dealt with in my entire life. Repeatedly, my IC (our MC) would ask me, "What is the worst that could happen?" Thinking about the answer to this question helped me put things in perspective, helped me stop avoiding conflict quite so much. I am far less likely to swallow emotions and avoid conflicts with BH now, but I still have to work at finding the umpf for confrontations with other people.

I compare our MC to an ICU doctor who saved us when our relationship was on life support. We're still in therapy, but stronger than we were then.

[This message edited by Neznayou at 12:59 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]


Me: WW
DDay: 10 Aug 2012

Posts: 123 | Registered: Sep 2013
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

Late to this party, but...

when I feel devastated by something my W has done or said, our MC helps me hear the internal messages I've generated. Then I can turn the messages off. It's easier said than done, but it works.

My W just accused me of using her. In truth, I have to work very hard to prevent myself from using her, so that accusation really hits home. I hear her accusation and beat myself up with it and feel absolutely awful.

One good counter-message is, 'Wanting is different from doing. You do a good job of not using her, and you're not using her in this instance. Relax - you're OK.'

Of course, sometimes I find I am using her. Then I do my best to accept responsibility. stop, make amends, and move on.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:12 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

MC looked at him and said, "There is nothing wrong with you other than being a selfish jerk who does exactly what you want to do at any given time. If you want to quit lying, TELL THE TRUTH. If you want to stop hurting your wife, STOP HURTING YOUR WIFE. Stop doing things that are guaranteed to cause her pain and destruction."

Would love someone to tell WH this.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
soconfusednow
Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

Thanks lauren123. for starting this thread.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 309 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 52