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User Topic: Anniversary, A-season, and Holidays
Rakerblade
New Member
Member # 37953
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 16th (Friday)

I'm sorry if this topic has come up before, I'm almost certain it has, but I don't have time to search the site looking for it...

This being August, our 6th wedding anniversary is in two days, and I'm just not sure how I feel about it. So far our R is going well, she has done anything and everything I've asked, answered every hard question, and been pouring herself into her IC to help her understand why she sought out validation from men that meant nothing themselves.

Most days I'm in a decent mood, sometimes even happy. We're very dedicated to each other, and we are getting to the point that I think we're both starting to feel safe in the fact that we won't end up divorced.

My nervousness comes with my fear of my own feelings... I'm not sure how I'm going to feel on our anniversary, and I'm very nervous that I'm going to shut down and get cold, as I often do when I feel hurt or angry.

I have the same feelings about A-season, which began last September and ran through D-Day on Dec-29th.

And that REALLY has me worried... How am I going to handle Christmas with the anniversary of D-day starring me in the face?

I've started to have very strong bouts of depression the last few weeks, and sometimes get a feeling of selfishness about her affair, a sense of "what good for the goose is good for the gander"... I know it's wrong, and I know it will only hurt the efforts we've made so far.

I love her very much, and I don't want to lose her, but I'm still feeling like there has been no justice. Only our best friends know about the A, we didn't tell our familes because we don't wany anyone hating her for the rest of our lives.
As a result, I have very little support system, which makes me wonder if that's why I recently found myself very depressed, looking on CL seeing if there is a woman in my situation, as a confidant, someone to talk to, that understands what I'm feeling. I didn't contact anyone, but the thought crossed my mind. Not for sex, but for a comrade in arms, or sorts.

I don't ever see myself being apart from her, not only for my own desire to have her as my wife, but also because of our children and the happy blended home we've built. It would rip them all apart.

I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice, or if this will happen again and just blow up in my face... but I guess I've reached a point where if it's going to hapen, then it will happen, I can't stop it, just catch her if she does it.

Oh well... sorry for the rambling... wish me luck, Sunday will either be happy... or hell.


BS(me): 45
WS(her): 30
Married: Aug. 18, 2007
D-day: Dec. 30, 2012
2nd (mini) D-Day: Jan. 9, 2013
3 month sex only PA w/ 2 men (she says)
2 kids from my first marriage live with us (16g, 12b), I am raising her little girl (8) as my own.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Michigan
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, August 16th (Friday)

My advice is to be open and honest with your WS.

Our 15 th anniversary was yesterday (dday was in June), I too was nervous. We just discussed it a lot and I tried to be really honest. I also "decided" to try to have a good day.

I ended up going to the spa for the day. I came home to champagne, flowers, gifts etc. it was nice. It didn't take the hurt away but it was still a nice day.
I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing but he was there to hold me.

I don't know but I think the key is communicating ALL your feelings.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Phoenix9572
Member
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, August 16th (Friday)

You have lots of comrades in arms here so you really don't need to go to a place like CL for someone to relate to you. In the long run, you will only do a disservice to yourself and your marriage. I struggle to with wanting some justice or to even the score so to speak. I keep coming back to my core values and beliefs and realize that it is just my anger and grief that are making me feel this way.
Are you going to IC? It is a hard process but it definitely helps with trying to sort out all these confusing emotions and understanding your true motivations for how you react to situations. I've learned a lot about myself in the short time I've been going and realize I have work to do to make myself a stronger, happier person no matter what the outcome of my marriage.
Do try to share your feeling with your WW she can't be there for you if she has no idea that you are struggling with these issues.
Keep posting. I know there are lots of great folks that understand what you are going through. If anything it just helps to get it off your chest.


Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Phoenix9572
Member
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, August 16th (Friday)

You have lots of comrades in arms here so you really don't need to go to a place like CL for someone to relate to you. In the long run, you will only do a disservice to yourself and your marriage. I struggle to with wanting some justice or to even the score so to speak. I keep coming back to my core values and beliefs and realize that it is just my anger and grief that are making me feel this way.
Are you going to IC? It is a hard process but it definitely helps with trying to sort out all these confusing emotions and understanding your true motivations for how you react to situations. I've learned a lot about myself in the short time I've been going and realize I have work to do to make myself a stronger, happier person no matter what the outcome of my marriage.
Do try to share your feeling with your WW she can't be there for you if she has no idea that you are struggling with these issues.
Keep posting. I know there are lots of great folks that understand what you are going through. If anything it just helps to get it off your chest.


Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Topic Posts: 4