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Just Found Out
User Topic: How stupid am I?
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, August 16th (Friday)

My husband said he was committed to working on our relationship, he was maintaining no contact ( we were at 4 days and counting...)... I was pouring my heart out to him, trusting him with my feelings....

...and today I find the new email address he established to contact her...last contact this morning.

I confronted him and he said he just wanted to let her know that we had scheduled our first MC session and that we were trying to work on things. He said it was "closure" type of thing.

I am crushed. Where is my husband? Who is this man that has replaced him?

I am done confiding in him until he starts to really prove that he wants to work on our marriage. It is going to be so hard - he has been my best friend for 24 years!!

I feel lost...and heartbroken...is he just trying to see how much I will take? Is this some sort of test?

Ugh.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Did he show you what he wrote to her? I wonder if that's really what the email said. I'm sorry he doesn't seem to be getting it. Maybe the MC will help.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Aug 2010
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 16th (Friday)

I agree ^^^ ask to see the email(s). If he refuses... 180 him.

I'm so sorry. :(


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 960 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Nekorb, your situation reminds me so much of me four years ago. Mine went back and forth, dumping her, saying he was staying with me, sneaking off again and eventually going back with her for good. The process was APPALLING and I can't believe I let it happen to me. I said things like you are saying 'he's been my best friend for 24 years' (we had been married for 23 when he started seeing OW). But ask yourself, is this man acting like a friend acts? Continuing to hurt you in this way? My advice is to confide in someone - a family member or a friend, someone you absolutely trust. You can't carry this around on your own. And I'd seriously think about asking your husband to move out. I know that's the last thing you want to hear and I'm sorry. But the people on SI will all say the same thing and they're right... you can't 'love' someone back into a marriage they've checked out of in their heads. And by giving him so many chances you're making yourself a doormat in his eyes. Please read about the 180. It's not a tool for saving marriages but it may coincidentally have that effect. And it may very well save your sanity.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 884 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Alexa
New Member
Member # 40324
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Sounds exactly like my situation. He can't even last a few days. I don't think they will change especially if the OW is in his heart. I said I would give him time to work on our relatonship but honestly I don't know if it will last even if he leaves her. The trust is gone. My advice to you is to tell him as little as possible about your feelings. That's what I've decided to do. I would keep an eye on his activities and call him out on it when you go to counseling. Kick him to the curb if you can get him to leave. Mine won't and I refuse to uproot my kids from the only house they've known. Next counseling session he's getting a date to move out or give her up. I've waited long enough and I suggest you do the same. Don't put up with it. The longer you/we allow it, the longer they will take advantage of us and he will be happy and we will be miserable.


Me: BS 45
Him: POS 51
D-day #1 Aug 5, 2013 (2 years) clueless the 1st yr, suspicious the 2nd
D-day #2 Aug 19, 2013 (there were many more)
D-day #3 10 years worth of A/ONS
Married 21 years (not sure if we'll make 22)
2 kids, 16 and 13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Michigan
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I'm sorry, but no remorseful WS would open a secret email account for "closure" with the AP.

No contact is no contact. Transparency is transparency. These are non-negotiable.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Finding out is crushing enough, finding out a second time is devastating. (((nekorb)))

I'm glad you found us. Keep posting. Is there anyone in real life you can go to for support? Don't stay alone with this. Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 9:58 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4712 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I'm sorry, but no remorseful WS would open a secret email account for "closure" with the AP.

This is the truth. Secret emails & secret communication = continued deliberate deception.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
sparklezombie
Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

No contact means nc. It doesn't mean a little contact from a secret email account. It doesn't sound like he's truly committed to r


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

he has been my best friend for 24 years!!
Gently, no...he hasn't. He's conspired against you and your marriage for an unknown portion of the time you assumed (quite reasonably, I might add) that he was your best friend, and had your back. He exploited your trust and your belief in him in order to engage in his affair(s).

It's tremendously difficult to reconcile this with the person you believed him to be. But it's an important step toward your healing.

You are NOT stupid. You are a woman who took her vows seriously and believed the man she loves did the same.

He did not.

And now you are left to figure out how to proceed, in light of the new (and likely incomplete) information you've been provided.

Millions of hugs to you.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8889 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 9