Topic: Was it worth it in the end?
Member # 35869
| Posted: 6:32 PM, August 16th (Friday)|
A question for couples who have reconciled....
Are you glad you choose R? I know that we all would wish that it wasn't necessary in the first place, but when all is said and done do BS' and WS' look back and feel happy that they stayed together?
Posts: 62 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 15162
| Posted: 6:36 PM, August 16th (Friday)|
For us, without a doubt yes
FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
Posts: 36815 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Member # 38116
| Posted: 6:40 PM, August 16th (Friday)|
A year out and I'm still unsure.
I have no idea what our future holds - whereas before the A I knew I would be with WH until the end. I never pictured a scenario where we would be apart.
I would do anything to keep our family intact - anything for my dd. I'd forgive him for anything.
I hope we are able to move tax What are you going l no Bonni
Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.
Posts: 308 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 30369
| Posted: 6:42 PM, August 16th (Friday)|
I'm almost three years out, and I would say that we are actively still reconciling. That being said, my current answer to your question would be "most days". Most days are worth it, and things are getting better from here.
Posts: 6582 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 29429
| Posted: 7:00 PM, August 16th (Friday)|
Simple answer? Yes
The whole answer is too nuanced, too complicated and too individual to get into here. But simple answer: Yes. Knowing what i know now i would be fucking terrified at the prospect of what lay ahead, but I would still chose to Reconcile.
Hope that helps
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."
Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
Member # 36622
| Posted: 7:23 PM, August 16th (Friday)|
When I first got here I asked the same question.
And WH5 gave me the same answer.
I believed him. I thought if it worked for them. It could work for us.
So after a year of being here and 21 months from Dday....
For us, without a doubt yes
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"
Posts: 2553 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 26465
| Posted: 7:30 PM, August 16th (Friday)|
There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing
Posts: 3186 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 35236
| Posted: 7:43 PM, August 16th (Friday)|
To be honest, I have my days. I have days when I fantasize about how my life be now had I thrown him out of our house and filed for D right away, but then I immediately think that what might be the best for me is not the best for my daughter. Sadly, our little one is the glue that is keeping us together.
Me: BS Him: WH
OC born in July 2012
"A wise girl kisses, but doesn't love. Listens but doesn't believe. And leaves before she is left." Marylin Monroe
Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 40286
| Posted: 8:26 PM, August 16th (Friday)|
The first couple of years I had no idea, I was just glad the kids had their parents. But 4 years later I can say yes. We are happier now than ever before, we learned so much what love and marriage is truly about. I hate that it happened but I know we both wouldn't have become the people we are today.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 31705
| Posted: 8:45 PM, August 16th (Friday)|
Sometimes I am amazed that I did not throw him out. Tomorrow will be our 50 th wedding anniversary. I am so glad that we stayed together. It is so worth it. Our celebration will be so special. He is still the one for me!!!
Me BS beautiful wonderful woman!!
Him FWS ex jackass
We are recovered.....almost!
Dday July 2010
Married 49 years...50 years Aug 2013
Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Fl part of the year
Member # 38044
| Posted: 9:32 PM, August 16th (Friday)|
11 months out and I can't answer this. I too am hopeful it will be.
I DO know that I have more wisdom. I have yet to have full wisdom as to what a truly healthy, fully loving, intimacy nurturing marriage looks like...but I do realize we were not going that direction in our pre-a marriage. And, unlike my wifes affair, I WAS equally responsible for this.
Now I see R as an opportunity to achieve something we never had before and would most likely not have done had we not learned to R. (Meaning we would have had to R somehow....sucks that an A had to be the catalyst...but I think SOMETHING was in our future SOMETIME to make us realize R was needed).
....we are learning to R. Not got this right yet. I pray that I continue to have the courage to do this.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:01 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]
ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not
Posts: 3604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Member # 37735
| Posted: 9:43 PM, August 16th (Friday)|
2 yrs 3 mos out & still unsure. But:
I would do anything to keep our family intact - anything for our 4 kids.
Once we have an empty nest, I will re-evaluate. WH has made a few baby steps, but he has until then ( about 5 yrs) to
really "get it."
together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family
Posts: 1353 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 39197
| Posted: 10:09 PM, August 16th (Friday)|
Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!
Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 34353
| Posted: 10:50 PM, August 16th (Friday)|
At 2 years there are days when I say yes and days I am not so sure. I know part of that is because of where we live and I can not wait to move from here.
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile
Posts: 1611 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 33867
| Posted: 1:12 AM, August 17th (Saturday)|
I am fortunate, my WH has been remorseful, has followed through with everything he said he would do, has been a model WH and has made an effort every day to be a better person, H, and father.
I have not experienced false R.
His actions do not lead me to believe he will cheat again.
Looking back I do not regret that I gave him a second chance.
Sadly however, I can never erase from my brain the fact that he cheated, he selfishly hurt me and, at the time, did not care. Sometimes I look at him and I can't help but see "that man, that horrible man" and think to myself, "I wish I were married to a man that did not do that"
I hate that this is any part of our history together.
ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 19717
| Posted: 1:26 AM, August 17th (Saturday)|
Short answer, YES. Long answer, it was very hard. A long process and if he had not done his part, I would have kicked his ass to the curb.
It took much longer than I realized to fully find the close love with my husband again. Sex, well that was probably the hardest part for me. Still, he worked with me, for me and fought hard to win me back. He earned me again or I would not have stayed in the marriage.
Tonight I came to SI because it is my 29th wedding anniversary. Infidelity was on my 20th wedding anniversary...damn...9 yrs.
4 of those years were working on the marriage and healing. The last five years I have now been able to truly enjoy my husband's love. He is sober. I am happy and I have taken control of the finances.
He tells me he loves me. I am 56 yrs old and not the dandy lady I used to be, yet he tells me how beautiful I am. He sees me now in a way that is clear to him knowing that if ever, ever, ever....I am so gone and he will never get this bitchin' of a woman that loves him this much again ever, ever, again in his old sorry ass life.
And that is my attitude. Now and for always. He is damned lucky to have me...and he knows it now in a way he never did before.
Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.
Posts: 10313 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
Member # 39996
| Posted: 1:36 AM, August 17th (Saturday)|
For both of us the answer would definitely be YES!
Hell in a whirl wind is what we have called the last year of healing but we would never have gotten anywhere near to reinventing our marriage had this not stepped in. Unfortunately I think we were too much into our own worlds before the A reveal and we would have never been able to say the things to each other that we do now.
It is a yes from me !!!!
Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Member # 33202
| Posted: 7:34 AM, August 17th (Saturday)|
I waver on this question.
Most of the time I think "yes". He is a better husband, our M is infinitely better and we love each other, but the fact remains that he chose his selfishness over the M and me. And he won't go to counseling. So I keep my options open.
Posts: 711 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 38541
| Posted: 7:42 AM, August 17th (Saturday)|
Yes, I feel like we have both grown from this experience. While I feel that I was a very loving and supportive partner, this experience, as painful as it was has taught me a lot. I wont go into all the things I have learned, but I look at this the way I look at grief.
When my mum died, the only way I could make sense of it was to learn from it and make it mean something. I refused to be brought undone. I had to make my life amazing. But the only way I could do that was to somehow make her death a part of my life. This is who I was now.
Dont get me wrong, if my fiance had not worked as hard as he does, I would have used the same resolve to move on from our relationship. But as it turned out, i didnt have to. I do believe that reconciling is very, very hard and some days it seemed harder than breaking up.
Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 34671
| Posted: 8:37 AM, August 17th (Saturday)|
Two years out and a big YES from both of us. It's been hard at times..and I rarely get through a week without some sort of sadness or tears. There are things in me and how trusting I am that will be changed forever...or at least I feel that way now. I love him as much as I ever did and he has put me first more than ever. He is a good man...we are lucky to have such a strong love.
Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic
Posts: 304 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 31240
| Posted: 11:47 AM, August 17th (Saturday)|
Still a work in progress for us.
IMO, the choice is R, rugsweep, or D. I'm very happy I chose R over the other 2. But that's probably because my W has consistently worked for R, even though she hasn't healed herself yet - 2 people committed to R have a very good chance of making it.
fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.
Posts: 9947 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 36070
| Posted: 12:24 PM, August 17th (Saturday)|
So far YES!!! There have been no major slip ups on his part and he is truly sorry for what he has done to us and me.
And luckily I love him as mug as I always did....otherwise the little stuff wouldn't hurt or aggravate me.
Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
Affair lasted 6 months
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation
Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 6864
| Posted: 12:41 PM, August 17th (Saturday)|
Almost nine years out
and the answer is yes, yes and YES!!
We have never been happier or closer in the 29 years we've been together.
♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥
Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Member # 36317
| Posted: 3:09 PM, August 17th (Saturday)|
Thus far I'd say yes. We're only 16 months out but life has been getting progressively better. I'm a better person in many respects and my wife is literally changing into a wholly better person before my eyes (which has been an "issue" for me to accept at times).
I can't give a resounding yes though. Too many negative feelings, too much sadness and just the knowledge of this shit being real. It sucks. In time I hope those feelings continue to subside and I can be more positive in my "yes."
I see a bright future for us. One I'm sure where I'll just see this as "the bad chapter of our life." I do not regret choosing to reconcile at all. I would be worse off had I chosen divorce (rugsweeping just not being possible with my personality).
Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012
Surrender to the truth of life.
Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
Member # 34040
| Posted: 3:26 PM, August 17th (Saturday)|
Two years out, and absolutely yes. We have had some really tough times, worked (and continue to work) together and seperately through some hard issues, but we've never been closer, and I feel like we're solid. On DDay I almost walked out for good, no looking back, and I'm really glad I stayed instead. It was a tough road, but it's ended up being the right one.
Me: BW, 34
Him: WS, 39
D-day June 15, 2011
Posts: 133 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 15902
| Posted: 10:43 PM, August 17th (Saturday)|
Definitely worth it. We are 6+ years out and happily reconciled. I have no regrets with the choice to R.
Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled
Posts: 5631 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 26854
| Posted: 11:35 PM, August 17th (Saturday)|
Unequivocally, yes. However he will always be the husband that cheated on me. I can't get that fact out of my head. Kind of sad!
DDay - 11/4/09
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal
Posts: 1413 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 38732
| Posted: 8:25 AM, August 18th (Sunday)|
I hate that it took an affair to wake us up to how much we took each other for granted and how pisspoor our communication was. We've never been closer, more open and vulnerable, or more appreciative of each other than we are now. Not even when we dated. We are still a work in progress but we are headed down a good path and we are recommitted to our marriage.
Reconciliation was definitely the right choice for us.
Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates
I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.
Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
Member # 3703
| Posted: 8:26 AM, August 18th (Sunday)|
For me, no. We R for 6 years until I caught him in another affair.
I regret not leaving after the 1st affair. And I wonder how many there were in between that I DIDN'T find out about.
D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Posts: 3282 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Member # 24786
| Posted: 11:24 AM, August 18th (Sunday)|
Yes...... but no.
I have a life I never thought possible even before his A so in that respect I have to say yes. The fact FWH tries every single day to make up for his A helps as I get to see his remorse and actions on an hour by hour basis. And I have never regretted R.
But there will always be a teeny tiny part of me that thinks about where I'd be in my life now if I'd just bailed and D him as sometimes I do still look at him and see the man who had sex with another for almost 3 years and that hurts still.
BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć
Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jul 2009
Member # 19408
| Posted: 4:18 PM, August 19th (Monday)|
As horaliar posted on page 1, we are together for the sake of the kids. I wanted her out of the house and my life after DD#1, and I do today. But what is best for me isn't what my kids need.
Now before I get jumped on here let me say that I know the kids would prefer to come from a broken home than live in one. I know they are learning by example what marriage looks like, and it's not always what I want them to learn.
But all things being equal, I think staying together, their mother pretending nothing bad ever happened and their father just being a great father and sharing a home with their mother is better than them losing their home, splitting time between a mom and dad in two separate places and such.
So, it's not what I want out of life, but it's probably the best option for my kids.
Posts: 68 | Registered: May 2008
Member # 34941
| Posted: 4:33 PM, August 19th (Monday)|
I consider our reconciliation still a work in progress.
I don't for a second regret my decision to heal within my marriage. To fight for my family life and to actively be a part of maintaining an environment that also supports my husband to heal and take his journey (with me by his side).
It is difficult to imagine what you don't know. But I believe at with retropect and introspect that if I discovered further infidelity (either future or past) I might or might not leave. However, I still would not regret my choice to stay nearly 20 months ago.
For some of the same reasons I decided to stay.
I took an educated risk (and intuitive one) that what we shared was real and worth the risk of 'failing'.
Our children deserved to see what we had was worth both of us striving to be better people and fight for our family.
My daughters have watched me work my way back to dignity and compassion. Initially my pain stripped so much of that from me. I made choices to act out of my anger rather than move through. I couldn't allow that to be the mark of the end of of our family life as they know it.
These reasons were and are in the context of a husband who was showing me that he was remorseful. Put his eyes on his family.
I only know what I know. I don't regret my choice now, even on tougher days I don't regret my choice to reconcile and heal within this marriage.
If in the future I need to make a different decision, I hope I can move through my pain day by day and look forward.
BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"
Posts: 628 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 33438
| Posted: 5:00 PM, August 19th (Monday)|
5 1/2 yrs post Dday that my husband was a serial cheater.
------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt
Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
|Topic Posts: 33|| |