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New Beginnings
User Topic: Similar accusations
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

What do you do when you have people in your life who accuse you of things that are practically word for word the accusations that my xWH used to say to me?

I''ll update with details later (on my phone so ridic hard to type out longer story), but I''m beginning to think I''m not as healed as I thought bc hearing those things brought me to my knees. Brought me right back to xWH cheated on me bc I caused it. Bc it''s true I''m entitled, selfish and mean & always put myself first. And so I''m sitting here this morning replaying events with xWH in my head and thinking maybe he was right. And no wonder he''s engaged and happy and I''m still the same old emotional trainwreck. Perhaps I did cause it. Perhaps I did deserve it. Bc he can move on & be with someone & I''m still finding myself in a heap, on the floor, in tears, unable to cope.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

You did not cause anything, Cayc. And you are not entitled or selfish or mean at all. You are one of the sweetest, most helpful, caring people in my life, and one of the first people who I go to when I need support.

(((cayc)))


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13565 | Registered: Jul 2011
heartbroken30
Member
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Absolutely untrue!! Those people are just projecting onto you. They can't deal with their own flaws so they say it to you to make themselves feel better.

Please don't believe them. You are strong, loving and caring and worthy of love.

Big hugs to you


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

cayc, pa-leeze. Just...pa-leeze. It is a ghost haunting you, nothing more.

Tell it to go away.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4032 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

(((cayc)))

You know that it's ridiculous, right? (Though I know it takes time for your heart and head to align.)


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3267 | Registered: Dec 2011
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Maybe it's time to take a really good look at the people in your life, and make some changes. Not changes in you, but in the people you keep company with. Find people who uplift you, not drag you down. People who respect and appreciate you for who you are. (((cayc)))


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

While there is never a reason for someone to cheat I don't think it's realistic to say all betrayed people are perfect and don't need to work on themselves.

So I guess I say take a good hard realistic look at yourself and see if you have been doing things that are selfish etc.. if you can look objectively and say no than I agree you don't need people like that in your life.

Good luck.


Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2009
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

The reason that your wxh is engaged is because he is afraid to be alone with himself, and he'll take any whore that will have him.

You have worth, and you know it. You expect more from yourself. You are a good person, and you did not deserve what you got. Your head know this, emotionally you're still processing.

((Cayc))


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7428 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

((cayc))

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I went through this a lot after I left my X. Any time someone would say something similar to my X's complaints I would shudder. Hell sometimes I fell apart on the spot.

I decided that I should evaluate those comments as objectively as I could manage. Do I always put needs first? Am I self centered? ect ect. Some of them I said "oh hell no!" and decided not to think about them too much. Some of them I said "yep...that's true. I'm good with it." and some of them I took to heart and thought "hmmm... I don't like that about me. That's a true comment. I'm going to be more aware of that and change it."

I've worked on some things with success and failed at others. I'm probably a better person for it in the end. But I also learned that sometimes people just say stuff b/c they are angry, projecting themselves, or just can't express themselves. There really only so many negative qualities someone can bring up. They're bound to hit on something your X bitched about.

It comes down to how you feel about you. My IC pointed out to me that the same quality can be good/bad depending on the circumstance. You're stubborn? Great! you're gonna get that tough task accomplished? Uh Oh! you might not be great at compromise. You have to be comfortable with you.

Just b/c it was said, even if its true doesn't mean its bad or good. You decide what's bad or good in your life.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

What hexed said!

The wounds take awhile to heal, but just because they hurt still doesn't mean they aren't healing.

We can't stop our thoughts from coming along, but we can ask if they are helpful thoughts or just an old story that is replaying in our heads like a old repeated movie...if they are helpful, learn from them. If they are unhelpful let them play on in the background while you keep working on your goals and improving your life.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3010 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

(((((cayc))))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24435 | Registered: Aug 2011
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I really appreciate everything each of you are saying. The sheer support, the advice, the support & hugs ... It matters. All of it.

I''m trying to sort through what''s real (ie how I contribute to setting myself up for this fall) & what''s false (believing what isn''t true out of habit).

I am still concerned that I am the cause of my own downfall. That I create this.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Survivor3512
Member
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

(((Cayc))) I'm with cmego- that's a ghost talking. Tell it to bugger off. You are AWESOME!


Me (BS)- 36
Divorced
----------------------------------------------------------
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

(((cayc)))

The wounds that don't quite hit the mark? They don't stick with us. You might hear a negative message that doesn't call yourself worth into doubt because YOU just know it isn't true, or it is just plain mean. So you don't carry it with you. Even if you hear it a thousand times, it doesn't stick.

But that one weak spot? And the reaction you give when it hits? It guarantees that someone who wants to wound will drag it back out in a fight.

Look in the mirror and tell yourself your own truth. I can tell you right now, entitled, selfish, mean, and put yourself first doesn't post here for the last five years reaching out to others.

Don't measure your happiness against the "engaged" I'm so happy... public persona of someone who has proven they are flawed.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5608 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

Self examination within itself is not a bad thing. Self examination based on someone else's interpretation of who you should be could be.

In my experience of your posts you are very clear with regard to your life priorities right now. My expectation would be that any guy in your life is well aware of this up front.

Do you feel that his expectations have changed due to the relationship status? If so, that's not necessarily fair. Or is he calling out aspects of your personality? If so, did something happen that triggered that? You strike me as someone who is clear about who she is, is he expecting something different now?

Relationship building is layers, so if you've hit a layer that is not working, THAT needs to be the discussion, not blaming, which I'm gathering he's doing.

How are you doing cayc?


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4375 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 15