New Beginnings
User Topic: Pink or red nail polish
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

It’s always nice to know that someone actually reads something and feels it’s important enough take the time to respond to a post, good or bad…especially if it concerns something that may be uncomfortable. The responses I’m referring to had to do with my double standards post …for me personally all of that is not that big of a deal. I’m not all that politically correct about these things but I just remember this guy getting run by female posters for posting something similar and well I just couldn't help myself as I have been on and off this site for a long time and have seen this time and time again, So, I thought I would tweak it just a hair. I mentioned that I had a point in the subject of the post and how it relates to New Beginnings…the double standard nonsense was not the entire point. This I see as a symptom of what has happened to us…let me trudge on for your disagreements or ignorance.

We who are on this site have been through a tremendous trauma. This trauma can cause a great deal of mistrust and in some cases downright anger towards the opposite gender. I read it on this site all the time and it has nothing to do which gender writes it. I know I had it for a long time. When my ex and I decided to part ways after 5 years of “trying for the kid” , it took some time before I became even interested in seeing someone, and when I did it just seemed awkward and I couldn't figure out why. One of the things on this site that helped me was seeing the unfortunate pain and yes anger from the posts of others and realizing my wounds…no matter how I thought were healed, were still there. This was in fact hurting my relationships in everyday life as well as my initial attempt at well…dating.

Some issues are still there, but I have let the anger go and it made a tremendous difference in how I view people and especially women in general. I’m more who I was when I didn't feel the weight of the A on my shoulders and it made a tremendous difference in how people react to me. I sincerely believe that this negative I was carrying around was absolutely something others sensed and it was hurting me…something I didn't fully realize and I wish someone would have talked to me about it earlier in the process.

Don’t know if this makes any sense but I had nothing else to do because I missed my Tee time. So in summary, next time you want to jump on some poor schmuck because he posts or mentions on a date that he likes red finger polish rather than pink and your ex also liked red and etc etc…give him a break. Get it…I guess I could have just posted that and saved a lot time. By the way, I don’t think I have all the answers so tell me if I’m full of shit…I’m used to it, I was married…just a little joke.

[This message edited by asurvivor at 11:59 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.

Posts: 565 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 16671
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Red on toes
Pink on fingers.

Me(BS)45(at the time of D-day)

Divorced 2009, Closing on house Nov 2011 -
No longer waiting for the other "she" to drop.

Posts: 4666 | Registered: Oct 2007
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Good post. I'm sure we all know some people who hate all members of the opposite gender because of what happened in their past. They are not fun to be around! I was determined to not let my XWH's behavior affect how I felt about men. But it does take some time, and people go at different paces.

Pink, all the way :)

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo

Posts: 3362 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 36058
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Dear asurvivor: I agree about the anger and mistrust. Our defenses go up much easier than they come down.
I didn't feel anger at other men in general, just one in particular. There are some great guys out there. I know that. I'm dating someone right now that is wonderful (FWB). I got angry at having to do things by myself, you know, that I used to do with my going to the movies and eating dinner out and gardening, etc.
It took a little time, but I realized that whether I was with someone or not, I love going to the movies and eating out. I have even gone on a couple of overnight trips by myself and had a great time.
Occasionally I have contact with XH and we have the same conversation about what went wrong with our marriage (his A with OW, now his wife!) and then he tells me what a wonderful person I am, etc, etc. I just tell him, you know, you're right. It's your loss and one day it will be someone else's gain!
I'm tired of being angry about what happened and feeling the loss of what I pictured my life as. I know the anger is part of the process.
Now, my life is wide open for all kinds of possibilities.

[This message edited by Bombshell at 1:23 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Love the positivity this post is getting. I too have let go of the burden of anger. I don't think I ever hated all men, but I wasn't able, willing or going to trust them ever again. So a big (huge?)part of my process has been to learn to trust myself again and therefore trust myself to be okay when I get hurt again. To learn how to let go of the fear that was/is holding me back. I look at all the manifestations this fear has and I am amazed...
realizing my wounds…no matter how I thought were healed, were still there. This was in fact hurting my relationships in everyday life as well as my initial attempt at well…dating.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52

Posts: 3130 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I went thru a time when I was younger when I lost trust for men and was very suspicious of that gender, with a general low opinion. But since then I've been just as horribly betrayed by women so I realize that being an asshole is an equal opportunity characteristic.

Now I generally have a good opinion of men and women, i like people, and I keep my focus on the good ones, and i find many inspiring people around me.

There are several great men that post here in N B and I believe they get treated with a lot of respect and kindness when they post , even from the women that use harsh language to describe their bad dates. I think we vent here when we don't like our dating experience, but I hope you don't see it as criticism towards all men.

Glad you are posting.

BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5825 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Some issues are still there, but I have let the anger go and it made a tremendous difference in how I view people and especially women in general. I’m more who I was when I didn't feel the weight of the A on my shoulders and it made a tremendous difference in how people react to me.

asurvivor, I'm glad you've made this step forward in your healing. For myself, I think I was projecting both anger and hurt, and it took a long time to move past it. I think it was a visible field of misery surrounding me, kind of like the dust cloud that Pigpen always has around. I remember early on when I read that this healing process takes 2-5 years, I thought it was ridiculous. Now I know better (3 years divorced now).

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5138 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I definitely see your point, asurvivor, but I also think that I am fundamentally changed by my trauma. Some of the change is for the good, some of it for the bad.

I am the sum of my experiences. I will never go into a relationship with naivety again. I will never fight for attention from a man again nor give him multiple chances to "get it right". My marriage taught me hard lessons.

I had a great Father, I am raising a sweet boy, and I have seen great husbands/fathers married to family and friends. I will never think "all men" are scoundrels, but I know I am different than I used to be.

Less innocent. More wary. The right man will understand as I will understand what he has been through and tread accordingly.

For me, the first year was the "I hate all men" period. Fortunately, I hated them enough to not attempt to date. Once that lifted, I did meet a guy that slowly was let "in". He knew to move slow with me, and it worked. We didn't work out in the long run, but I am happy to know I am capable of loving agin.

Neither pink nor red. :) French manicure or HOT pink!

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4144 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 8