New Beginnings
User Topic: Persistent stbxso - what to do?
Member # 16891
What?  Posted: 11:27 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

I need your advice here.

My STBX SO can't accept the idea that a separation means we cannot be friends right away. He can't leave me alone more than 10 days without attenpting contact or inviting me to do something with him (pretending he's over it and casual about the whole thing which is far, far from the truth: he's desperate).

As many know, he's not ready to be friends neither am I. It's been only 6 weeks and in that period, he broke my attempts for NC multiple times, told me he intended to marry me and handed me a very advanced suicide plot.

We will start working on selling our condo in Sept. Till then I really need to have him work on detaching otherwise I'm afraid it's gonna be hell! Also, I have no reason to be in bad terms with him. He didn't cheat. It was just not meant to be. I'm the one who left. But my oppinion is that greif is about detachment. We both have to work on quitting the habit of being in each other's lives.

Basically, I just need him to respect my need for NC unless it's business (condo).

I'm pondering between 1) ignoring his attempts to reach out (no reward on reaching out - as even argumenting is a form of contact), or 2) sending a short and clear reply (but then, what to write so he gets it?).


[This message edited by burnt_toast at 11:32 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

It is what it is.

Posts: 4712 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
Member # 16671
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Ignore. Do not engage. Every time you respond you give him hope.

Me(BS)45(at the time of D-day)

Divorced 2009, Closing on house Nov 2011 -
No longer waiting for the other "she" to drop.

Posts: 4694 | Registered: Oct 2007
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Ignore. If you want to read the psychology behind it, google "Extinction burst" as it may get worse before it gets better.

"Hey -- this worked before! Now I will contact her 15 times and then she'll respond." and then if you respond, you've just raised the bar, and next time he'll be willing to send 45 unsolicited e-mails.

Good luck

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 3409 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

If you absolutely have to correspond about the condo, do you have anyone in your life that could read his emails first, edit out all of the extraneous bs and just give you the info you need?

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

This is the kind of guy who freaks me out. Please review your personal/physical safety procedures. Make sure your locks on doors & windows are functioning. If you have alarms, arm them. Be more aware of your surroundings, be more aware of people around you. This is the kind of guy who we read about on the news or see profiled on "I Survived" stories. Please don't be his victim.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Thanks for the tip about "extinction burst". Good read.

Yes, if I have to, I might put someone between us. I'll see. My dad offered when things got too emotionnal during my D and it proved a good idea.

This week I had a text saying he would call. He said nothing stressfull or about the condo. I let the call go to my voicemail. He was calling to see "if I was allright". As if I was the one needing help! Then today, a facebook message. He was inviting me for a picknic tomorrow morning "to have a relaxed time together before we tackle the stressfull stuff". I ignored it. Before the call and the picknic invite, he had written to my BFF saying how hard it was for him to be NC. He knew she'd tell me out of transparencey.

Sure, with the suicide thing that happened just 10 days ago, it makes me more wary. Not scared as per se, but I can't help wondering what he'll be like the day he'll access his anger about the separation since he's so dramatic. It's probably better, for instance, that he doesn't get my temporary address, or that we don't meet alone. I don't want to get parano´d though - I'm already a pretty anxious person, I don't want to make scenarios. I can always speak to his IC if I have those worries.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 8:28 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

It is what it is.

Posts: 4712 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
exhausted lady
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

It's been only 6 weeks and in that period, he broke my attempts for NC multiple times, told me he intended to marry me and handed me a very advanced suicide plot

Ummm.....I'm very, very glad you are getting this person out of your life!

NC. NC. NC!!!

He is showing the classic signs of the male version of a bunny-boiler. Please be very careful of your personal security and surroundings at all times. You mentioned being wary of when he hits the "anger phase". I think you are very right about that.

You're not being are just listening to your gut, and I think it's sending you some very clear signals about this guy.

Is there any way you could get your dad to act as your Attorney-In-Fact for the whole condo thing? Then you would never have to deal with the drama king - ever again.

Seriously, don't engage with this dude. He's sending out some very clear *not okay* signals.

Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr

Posts: 3168 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

Okay, you guys are
freaking. me. out.

It is what it is.

Posts: 4712 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

I'm sorry I have to add to the chorus, bt, but this makes me really uneasy, too. Please go as NC as possible and yes, put someone in between you to handle the sale of the condo. I'd even consider just handing it over to a real estate agent or attorney to handle and calling it good. And phmh is right - as long as you keep eventually responding, he'll continue to up his game to get that response.

This guy sounds desperate and you just can't engage with desperate. Please be careful and aware of your safety.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 9:53 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15415 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Random thoughts
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Pepper spray or mace in hand when walking to and from your house, car work etc. Air horn too.

His actions, suicide attempt and everything else going on in his life all the let downs and finally the breakup with you might be the final straw.

Please be careful.

Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.

Posts: 1608 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, August 19th (Monday)

My STBX SO can't accept the idea that a separation means we cannot be friends right away.

I think you also need to start examining why you would consider being friends with this guy at all. His true self has been revealed and it's scary.

Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Curious about your choice of words, bt (still my favorite nic!)

What do you mean: handed me a very advanced suicide plot.

Like, written down?
If so, why not go to the authorities? can also contact the local DA, get a PO.

Please don't let our advice upset you, ok?
We're only trying to help bt.
We got your back.

Posts: 6653 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Topic Posts: 12