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Reconciliation
User Topic: Heartfelt apology, did anyone receive? Did it help?
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I was wondering if anyone had received a truly heartfelt apology.

Did it make a difference to you? Did it help?

We have been reading "How Can I Forgive You" by Janice Abrahms Spring.

She really emphasizes the importance of a full and complete apology.

H has told me that he know that I want/need this and he is working on it. He has been saying this for a few months now. It hurts that he hasn't followed through.

I guess I was just wondering if it even matters.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1313 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Janice Spring's book is awesome. I can't say that enough times.

I am still in the process of forgiving my wife. She continues to apologize. Usually she does so when something triggers me, and I am hurting from something she has done to me in the past.

So for me, it's not the full and complete apology that makes the difference, it is her genuine apologies during the times I am hurting. Makes a huge difference.

She did also include a complete and detailed apology with the written timeline she gave me. That was helpful, but not as helpful as her continued and consistent apologies.

Ultimately I hope to get to a point where neither my wife or myself are apologizing to each other anymore.


Posts: 6745 | Registered: Dec 2010
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I've received a full and complete apology which helped by setting a foundation for us to build from as we go through our healing journey.

But it's also important to me that I receive continual apologies as things crop up. My fWH hasn't always consistently done this but he's working on it and it is helping (now that he's getting with the program... :)

The book is great and has been the most helpful one yet. We have just started reading it together. I told my fWH from the start that I didn't want to fake forgive him (same as her cheap forgiveness in book).

Her idea that genuine forgiveness must be earned resonates with both me and my H. And that both parties have to participate... This book is the only source I've been able to find on "How" to forgive.

All the pop psych and culture crap you read online about forgiveness didn't make sense to me so I couldn't execute it.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:15 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ohiocarrie535
Member
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Yes I have got many tearful heartfelt apologies. They do help. But his actions are what count the most. And he is following up with those too.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
ccw82
Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

My question: what really constitutes a "heartfelt apology"??? How does the BS know it's genuine and heartfelt, and that the WS isn't just saying something they think the BS wants to hear?

Secondly, how does the BS know what the WS is apologetic for? Is it really for what they did to cause so much anguish to their BS, or does it swing more in the direction of "because I got caught"?


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I'm not even sure it's about the apologies. I wonder if it's about knowing what he thinks now, what he feels now about how he was thinking then.

Does he believe that how he was thinking then was wrong?


Does he really understand the devastation?

Why is it so hard to apologize?

Maybe it's wanting to hear how much it hurts him to see me struggling through each day?

Hearing that he can't believe that he left me like that, so alone.

Maybe I need to talk about every single thing that happened that hurt me and be comforted for each thing.

It is a tough week. Our 11th anniversary is on Wednesday and his a started two days later. A year ago this Friday.

I can't get it out of my mind. I was clueless. I thought we were doing better.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1313 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

Our therapist has recommended the book, "The 5 Languages of Apology" (written by the love languages guy) to us. Perhaps reading this would help your husband.

However, this:

Does he believe that how he was thinking then was wrong?

really worries me. I would think that he would have at least made this much clear to you by now.

And yes, the apology is important.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1076 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
VD2012
Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

My wife has apologized many times and says sorry for a variety of elements regarding her affair all the time.

It took her months to do so but without my asking about a year ago my wife took me aside and gave me the most heartfelt "speech" she's ever given me. She's not good with her words, especially in regards to emotions, but she honestly blew me away with her compassion for me, her obvious guilt, the very apparent remorse she was feeling, her empathy in understanding the pain she put me through and the general very real honesty I'd never gotten from her before. It was a very important moment in regards to us reconciling.

A few months later around our wedding anniversary she also gave me an even more elaborate and thought out (this time written) apology that also included new vows to me. There's been plenty of other times where the sincerity in her eyes, voice, words and body language has moved me. Her doing these things has been a very helpful part of healing for me.

One thing that is important for me is my wife never cried before. She only ever got teary eyed a few times during our relationship and only cried a handful of times (almost entirely because of deaths). On D-Day she turned into a sobbing uncontrollable hyperventilating mess, openly weeping and begging me to forgive her. She didn't cry once after that until the day in question when she just poured her heart out to me and told me how sorry she was. Since, it's been an uncommon but frequent enough sight.

Through counselling she's gotten more in touch with her emotions. She often gets sad and cries when thinking of what she's done or telling me how she's sorry. It's nice to see.

Anyways, back to the point, yes it was very helpful and every apology I've received in whatever incarnation they've come in has helped me a great deal.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
MCJLM
New Member
Member # 40283
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

My spouse used a good analogy recently. He said to imagine if you threw a cup against a wall. It would shatter. He asked what would happen if I apologized to the cup for breaking it against the wall. Nothing, it would still be lying there in pieces. To actually fix the cup, I would have to find the pieces, pick them up and glue them together. My take on it....words are just words to him. Although sometimes helpful and don't go unnoticed, actions far out weigh what my words can do.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

My spouse used a good analogy recently. He said to imagine if you threw a cup against a wall. It would shatter. He asked what would happen if I apologized to the cup for breaking it against the wall. Nothing, it would still be lying there in pieces. To actually fix the cup, I would have to find the pieces, pick them up and glue them together. My take on it....words are just words to him. Although sometimes helpful and don't go unnoticed, actions far out weigh what my words can do.

I. Love. This. Every word of it. I have received (what I believe to be) a very honest and heartfelt apology from my WH for breaking my heart. But his actions that back it up are far more important.

It's like this: before I discovered the A for sure, I questioned my H about his behavior several times. He would get angry and assure me nothing was going on. But actions speak louder than words. He could deny it until he was blue in the face, but his actions told a very different story. Same goes for now - he can say anything he wants and it all sounds nice, but the effort he's really putting in shows in his other interactions with me, and means so much more.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

What I would like to hear and haven't is an apology when we are having fun. I know that sounds strange. However, it would be so nice to hear him tell me how sorry he is that he would have missed this or that moment with me. That he made a huge mistake and risked that wonderful moment we are sharing.
After all it isn't like I am not thinking about the A even in those moments. It would be nice for him to acknowledge that he risked missing them.

He lied so often and so completely that when I am in pain I find it hard to believe his apologies. I need them when I am not in pain as well. I have told him this time and time again and still nothing. He says he doesn’t think that way. Well, I feel that someone committed to reconciliation and making things right after they have betrayed you would change their thinking to help you heal.
So, truly heartfelt apologies are nice, but it is the little “ah ha” moments that I feel would help me.

Good luck. I think apologies when we aren't triggering or crying would be nice.

I did just get that book and plan to read it. Glad to hear it is a help to others.


Married 26 years
BW: Me, 47
WH: 47
DDay#2: March 8th, 2012, with one of my good friends.
DDay#1: Oct. 20th 1992, 2 years post PA
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Got lots of sincere apologies - after all, it's been 2.5+ years.

Once in a while an apology helped me through some feelings. Most of the time, it just triggered thoughts of 'you knew better when you did this why didn't you just not cheat?'

JMO & YMMV.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

In SA counseling, this is part of the disclosure process.

It does help...and it helps to hear it repeatedly. Once is not enough. MC emphasized this to SAWH in a recent session: What your wife is experiencing is a trauma. You may have to tell her 1000 times the answers to what she is asking.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

I have gotten the best apology a BS could ask for. Janise Abrahms books are incredible. Please also read "after the affair". Both are in site full for both the BS and the WS.

The way we read the books was I, the BS read them first. Then I highlighted what pertained to me and to us ( not all the info pertained to us). Then I went back and wrote notes and or questions in the margins for my WS to read and answer. He then read the book and responded to the comments, answered my questions and asked his own. At first my WS was point blank about his responses but, as we slowly progressed through the book and saw I was not attacking him or putting his opinion down he really opened up. We had some incredible conversations after that.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Yes, actions are important, but some of us really need the words. People can do the "right" actions for the wrong reasons just as they can say the "right" words and not really mean them.

I need words, I need to know the reason behind my H's actions. I cannot figure that out without him telling me, otherwise I am just guessing and I could be guessing wrong.

Also, in Spring's book, she speaks about how important it is for the wounded one to have the perpetrator really see/witness and understand the pain they caused and how and why it hurt the wounded. To have ones pain witnessed, validated, and understood is deeply healing for some of us and is more than just "actions" but words verifying this happening are important.

I also agree that there needs to be more than just one apology, but how many I could not say, we are all different, and some may be able to heal with just one, and some may need numerous large and small ones.

He has been saying this for a few months now. It hurts that he hasn't followed through.


Have you checked in with him to "remind" him or to find out what the hold up is. I can understand needing some time to really understand why and what he is apologizing for, to do justice to your pain, to really pay attention to the things that specifically are important to you, but we all have limits, and perhaps you need to set a deadline, such as you would love something by labor day, or Halloween?

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3434 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
TXBW68
Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

We were separated for 10 months. He showed no remorse for the first 6, then he started pulling his head out of his ass and we eventually started dating again. He has been back home for 6 months now.

He has apologized multiple times but I have never "accepted" them or told him that I forgive him. Until 2 nights ago.

I have been watching his actions for months now. He is completely remorseful now. He has changed so much. Gone are the days of putting every one and thing above the marriage or the family. He has returned to the man I married all those years ago.

I have been having thoughts about forgiveness lately. What it means to me if I say those words before I'm ready. Friday night we were laying on the bed talking about our day. I started asking him questions about our relationship and the person he was during the affairs.

He answered my questions for the millionth time. I finally pointed out how much he had learned and matured over the last year. Then I told him that I needed a heartfelt apology. If he couldn't do it, then I would understand.

He did apologize. For everything - pre, during and post affairs. I knew from his eyes and his words that it was sincere. When I stopped crying, I told him that I could never forget but I can finally forgive him and that I accepted his apology. He was stunned and couldn't do anything but squeeze me tight!

His affairs and the fallout will always be a part of our history. But his apology and my forgiveness finally makes me feel like we are no longer "trying to reconcile". I feel like we are "reconciled" now. We can be a couple again. We can finally continue on with our life together.

My belief: I think the heartfelt apology and forgiveness come in time for both sides. And I do think they are important to get closure and move on together. I just worry about the people that find out about the affair and 2 days later say they have forgiven and are reconciled. I think it takes time to process all of the feelings that go along with an affair.

I hope my story helps you some...


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 787 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Yes I got many, many times over. But in the end I don't think that the "heartfelt apology" was anything more than a way to ease his guilt and justify his actions.

Posts: 2423 | Registered: Sep 2005
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

He has been saying this for a few months now. It hurts that he hasn't followed through.

I know this feeling well. I asked for a love letter shortly after D-Day 1. It took him months to do it. And MC had to prod him. This from a man who used to write me songs and letters all the time. It was the agonizing waiting that was the worst. I mean, i know these things aren't easy - but pull one friggin' all nighter and get it done. I always thought, "you would have done it by now if you cared."

I did tell my WH that I want to hear I'm sorry frequently. And I have received a few heartfelt apologies. They are nice. But they don't compare at all to the times I catch him reading her at SI, making us an MC appointment, taking the kids so I have time to myself when I'm grieving, etc. In other words - the actions express that he is sorry way more than the words, "I'm sorry."


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Yes and Yes.

I have received many verbal apologies and one letter specifically apologizing for his behavior of the past, for the way I, his wife and mother of our kids was treated and for what I experience on a day to day basis.

It was a really beautiful letter. Part of the reason why I wanted this letter is obvious. I also wanted to see if he really "got it". It seemed he did but it would be interesting to read an updated version to see how his thoughts have evolved.

I don't think there is any harm in saying to your H that you would like the letter by...pick a date. No point in feeling hurt that is hasn't come up. You have been through enough as is so just express your needs.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Have you checked in with him to "remind" him or to find out what the hold up is

Grace, that seems logical. And I think it is good advice for day-to-day things in our marriages. Our spouse can't be a mind-reader and we may need to clarify what we want or need.

But I will say this for myself - when it comes to important things, I hate reminding. It feels cheap. It feels like the onus is back on me to get XYZ done. The WS is an adult. If cantaccept has stated clearly what she needs - then he needs to get it done. He can set a reminder in his phone if necessary. But they are reading a book about apologies. She says she wants one. He says he knows she wants/needs one. I just don't think a reminder is required and it may make cantaccept feel like the apology, when it comes, only came because she forced it.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

I remember an older woman said to me once,

I will ask my H for something and I will give him a reminder. But I will be damned if I ask him a third time.

I hear what RockyMtn is saying but at the same time if this is very important to you then instead of asking what the delay or reminding I would position it more as a statement. Something like..."H, we have spoken about this before. It's really important to me that I receive a letter of apology from you. It would help a lot with my healing. I would like that letter by DATE. I am not going to bring this up again bc to do so would be humiliating. I will leave that thought with you." [/

Hugs to you. (that part is from me!)

[This message edited by LA44 at 4:07 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

It seems to be the consensus that an apology is important.

I was wondering if I was making too big a deal out of it.

To be fair h has said, "I am sorry", "this was the biggest mistake I ever made", "I feel remorse".

I guess I am looking for that deep thoughtful apology, written would be fine. Actually I love the written word, then you can reread it when you don't feel so emotional.

I have asked why it is taking so long. I have expressed my need for this. It does get to feel humiliating to keep requesting things. I too feel if he really cared, really understood the pain I am in, I would not have to ask repeatedly. I wonder, if you see the person you love in pain, you have the ability to help, how can you not?

I find myself getting resentful. Wondering if he even thinks I deserve or am worth the effort. I do believe that it just makes him too uncomfortable.

MC at 8am, this is what I want to focus on.

I asked him this morning, "do you feel that you are doing enough?"

"no, never"

"what is holding you back?"

"working too hard, not enough time"

"do you understand my sense of urgency for relief from this pain?"

"yes, but I feel it will just be a natural progression"

"I don't agree"

blah blah blah

MC tomorrow, I fear that by the time he is ready to make an effort, I will no longer care.

I love him. I see changes in him. I need more. The bar has been raised and I now know how important my needs are.

He needs to show by action and word who he is now. He needs to prove to me that he deserves and appreciates the gift that I will give him of sharing my live with him.

I am just not the same anymore.

Thank you to everyone, you are my validation. You give me courage to care for me.

That is such an amazing gift.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1313 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Yes, it matters.

I have always gotten words from him. But, for me I need a letter. He has given me a few lines here and there in a card. Today he just posted a public apology on FB. And posted a sort-of apology on SI in the form of a letter telling the AP off(nearly a year after D-day)

It has made me feel better---so much better.

Remember the love languages. Find out yours and his. I think the apologies that work-need to coincide with our love languages. OHHH new post topic.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

I never got a big grandiose apology. Actually about 4-5 months in I complained that I never even got an "I'm sorry". After that I did receive regular apologies when I was struggling.

I was always envious of the letters and the public statements and the apologetic preformances i have read about. But I saw the remorse in her eyes and in her actions. That is really where it counts.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

My WH has given me the Heartfelt Apology many times and has followed it up with Heartfelt recovery actions.

It is helping, even 8 months in, WH still shows his remorse and willingness to stick it out until our M is fixed.
He even apologized to our parents, co-workers that saw his behavior, close friends and neighbors and my boss.
Still, his actions are the best healers.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, August 19th (Monday)

when it comes to important things, I hate reminding.

I get this, my thought though was not so much about reminding him, but for her to take a step to DO something about this, and asking him is one way to get moving. By asking then we do not wonder where they are, we know (of course that means we get an honest answer) where they are and then we can choose what to DO from that point on, keep waiting, accept their excuses, draw a line in the sand, or say forget it and walk away, or ????

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3434 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 19th (Monday)

While she has said "I'm sorry" during some very triggery, tumultuous times, the one apology which mattered the most to me was the one where she explicitly listed out all the actions which hurt me the most. She did this in writing, as it's a long list, and she later posted it here on SI. I don't know if the thread is still active or not, but here's the link if you're interested.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=464492&HL=35722

While this is still very painful for me to read, I do go back and read through it when I'm feeling very low. It gives me perspective, and bluntly reminds me of the progress she has made.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
UKlady
Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, August 19th (Monday)

What I would like to hear and haven't is an apology when we are having fun. I know that sounds strange. However, it would be so nice to hear him tell me how sorry he is that he would have missed this or that moment with me. That he made a huge mistake and risked that wonderful moment we are sharing.
After all it isn't like I am not thinking about the A even in those moments. It would be nice for him to acknowledge that he risked missing them.

This has nailed it for me!!!

I've been quite down lately - just come back from a fabulous holiday which wasn't without its own challenges for us - and I really couldn't/can't give specific reasons for why I'm on a down phase BUT wolf_heart - I think it's this!

My worst times do tend to come during or just after a major high or really good close time with my WH. It almost feels like I'm out to sabotage the good work that he's done (he has never said this, it's what I feel myself) BUT during those good times, as you've said, the A is still on my mind - it's like how can he have ever risked THIS!

I'm going to show him this particular post - perhaps it will help.

Thank you

[This message edited by UKlady at 9:05 AM, August 19th (Monday)]


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
2cooldaughters
Member
Member # 19408
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Apologies come from my WW only when she's really backed against a wall and has no other excuses to throw at me.

I haven't gotten an out of the blue, sunshiney day at the beach kind of apology. I suspect she would find that so hard to do, it would ruin her day to do it.

Needless to say, my WW has rarely found herself at fault in this life and so apologies, real apologies from her heart, are not her specialty.


Posts: 68 | Registered: May 2008
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I did, and it helped tremendously.

First D-day, Wh refused to admit that he was doing anything wrong. He called his cyber cheating "interactive porn" and claimed he "had no idea" I would be upset about his behavior. There was no reasoning with him. He decided I needed to just get over it, and refused to take any responsibility for his behavior at all. His behavior got better, and then worse in waves. We would go a month and things were fine- then he would do something hurtful again.

Finally, in May of last year, I caught him cyber cheating again. I told him I was leaving and that I didn't know what his problem was but he shouldn't be allowed to treat people the way that he did. We took a break for a day, and he came over and apologized. He admitted all responsibility and promised to do whatever it took to build up trust in our relationship. His apology did help- without it, I don't know where we would be, if still together. But at the time, I told him that words are just words. Him SHOWING me that he meant what he said was what I needed.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, August 19th (Monday)

How did MC go, cantaccept?


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Nothingspecial
Member
Member # 38387
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I got it, it meant nothing, he broke his wedding vows and my heart,
I mean really broke it, heartfelt sorry just felt empty, I felt nothing, now it's all about damage control and keeping my kids hearts intact.


Me BS 35
WH 33
Married 10 years
3 amazing kids
OW, ONS
We were soul mates
Trying to Reconcile, it's not for pussy's.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: UK , living in Canada
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, August 19th (Monday)

MC was confusing?

MC seemed to be telling me to appreciate the changes and be patient.

He did also point out to h how to comfort me.

We will see.

I brought up apologies tonight again. He said maybe if he writes it will come.

It is so hard to try to be open to him when I always wonder what he really feels.

I sometimes feel that I have given in too easily, that I should have made him work harder before I let him move back in.

In retrospect, I did everything wrong for me. I demanded nothing except no contact.

Really tough week, these looming dates are killing me. I have been triggering like crazy. Cried in the Walmart parking lot today. Saw a woman that resembled ow driving the same car and I lost it.

I hope h will make some effort this week towards even just a small apology, just something to hang on to.

Tonight he told me when I trigger he just tries to distract me. I have told him what would help but he gets defensive. If he would read maybe I wouldn't have to tell him what helps.

This is just plain wrong.

For me today, I got a haircut, bought headphones for meditation and a tape. Also nice lotion and a new shirt. Spoiling myself.

If h has to work on Wednesday, our anniversary, I am going for a massage. I need all the good I can find this week.

[This message edited by cantaccept at 8:49 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1313 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Topic Posts: 33