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User Topic: Wishing for another a to make an exit
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Do you ever wish your ws would actually have another a so it would give you the opportunity and justification to walk away this time?

I would have to say that there are many times post a that I have caught myself wishing for this. I do know that if I ever did catch him again I would be out of here in a heartbeat.


Posts: 2386 | Registered: Sep 2005
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

No. If he wanted to go I would hope he would just tell me like an adult. I don't want to deal with this crap again.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1530 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

If that's how you feel then leave. His behaviour (A) is plenty for you to feel justified in leaving. Plenty.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 839 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Expect Delays
Member
Member # 23981
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I have. I think it's just a wish to end the uncertainty--the uncertainty of whether he will cheat again, the uncertainty of whether I should stay or leave.

However, I have a nagging suspicion that it wouldn't be quite so simple...


A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail By Now.

Posts: 710 | Registered: May 2009
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Wasn't sure if I wanted to respond but to be honest there are times when I have thought this.

Why is this though? So the first time I gave you a pass so to speak but I just did not really like myself that I did this....so if you did it again I would then feel like "well OK, I tried to give you and the marriage a chance and you proved to me that my gut was right and I should have just ended it the first time."


Posts: 5524 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I understand what you are saying.
On the days when it feels like nothing much has changed in our M since before the A (many of the same marital problems still exist, such as division of household responsibility, etc.) & ( on those days I feel like I made a mistake to try to R) and I also don't think I will ever trust him again, I wish for an excuse like that to just get out.
When I feel like this I try to focus on the few little baby steps he has made, the fact that I do still have some love for him ( altho he has shattered the idea of "life partner" for me---& changed it into "father of my children")
& the fact that I would do ANYTHING for our 4 kids.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:41 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1095 | Registered: Dec 2012
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

It's hard to say. If I had to go through the same pain as Dday then no. It was unbearable; and since I'm only 7 weeks since dday I don't know if I would want to deal with the daily torments of thinking about OW or the A again. However, I CAN understand thinking like that.

it's just a wish to end the uncertainty--the uncertainty of whether he will cheat again, the uncertainty of whether I should stay or leave.

At least you would have your answer as to whether he was worth spending the time to R with.

"well OK, I tried to give you and the marriage a chance and you proved to me that my gut was right and I should have just ended it the first time."

but for me the pain is/was so intense idk if I could do it a 2nd time.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 277 | Registered: Aug 2013
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I have. I think it's just a wish to end the uncertainty--the uncertainty of whether he will cheat again, the uncertainty of whether I should stay or leave.
However, I have a nagging suspicion that it wouldn't be quite so simple...

Exactly !


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 814 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, August 17th (Saturday)


However, I have a nagging suspicion that it wouldn't be quite so simple...

This was true in my situation.

If you want to make an exit, TO, then make an exit. You don't need a new *excuse*. He had an A. You didn't make any sudden moves or rash decisions at the time. However, it seems that the original A turned out to be a deal breaker.

And thats


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7247 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

(stupid damn iPad)

.......and that's okay.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7247 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I am not saying that I want to leave. If I did I would have 9 years ago or in between then and now. I think "mcherchuer" said it best.

I have settled in now and have 30 years so no, right now have no plans of ever leaving. HOWEVER, sometimes when things get real shitty (now remember, I still live 2 houses from ow) I wonder IF he would ever think again of having an a and if he did it would definitely be bye bye.

And yes "mchercheur" I would do absolutely anything for my kids to have the family stay together.

"ExpectDelays".......I do know that if it happened again it would (for me anyway) be very simple to leave him. There would be no question in my mind. I guess the uncertainty always stays in our minds once we are betrayed by someone who we thought really cared about us.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 7:20 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2386 | Registered: Sep 2005
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I expect my husband will cheat again, and I won't leave. It is to my advantage to stay in my home. The affair I found out about ended the marriage. If it works to my advantage to leave, I will do so without waiting for another affair.

Would love for him to have another affair, so I could say, "told you so."

[This message edited by Skye at 7:23 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]


Posts: 5586 | Registered: Jul 2002
sparklezombie
Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Yes I have and sometimes still do feel this way. You aren't alone.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I did for most of the first year. I was so miserable in our relationship for the couple years before Dday that I saw dday was my out.

She begged for another chance. Her sister begged me to give her another chance. I thought about the kids. And I flipped a coin. The coin said another chance. So I committed to a year convinced and hoping she would fail and I could leave with a clear conscience.

Somewhere around 10 months in I realized she was actually doing it and our relationship was better than ever.

Now I don't want another or an exit.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2421 | Registered: Aug 2012
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

You don't need an affair to exit a marriage. You can always leave a marriage if you are unhappy with it for any reason. No "justification" needed.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 8:05 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Gutcheck time! If your gut is telling you that D is the answer, maybe it is.

Like my lawyer said, "if you want to get a divorce, get a divorce. You don't need to wait around for an investment to come to fruition, your husband to fuck up again, or any other reason."

Also he said don't waste energy on wondering if something is going to happen or not.

I have not reached the point of where I am ready to file, but I am keeping everything he said in mind. I think that is good advice...and he has seen a LOT of divorces to know what he is talking about.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I was in your shoes about 2 years after D-Day. I nutted up and filed for D, but turned out that he was back in the A anyway. So, it all worked out for the best.

Unfortunately, he came to his senses about 18 months after the D. I was so over him by that point, so yay me!


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7031 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Do you ever wish your ws would actually have another a so it would give you the opportunity and justification to walk away this time?

No. If I wanted to walk away, I would just do it.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5617 | Registered: Aug 2007
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I do. Think it is brave of you to post this. I get it completely. When you have this many years in (and I have almost as many as you), at some point you realize this is as good as it will get and I settled. Can not justify throwing my whole life into disarray. However, if he had another affair, it would give me a push.
Not sure if that matches what you were thinking.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6251 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

The affair I found out about ended the marriage. If it works to my advantage to leave, I will do so without waiting for another affair.

Exactly. Affairs end marriages. Supposedly, we started a new marriage when I took him back. He has a few years (about 5, until we have an empty nest) and then I will re evaluate.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1095 | Registered: Dec 2012
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

No, I don't wish he would have another A, or look at porn again. But like Expect Delay, unless he deals with his FOO issues, or his character traits that led his shutting me out and numbing himself with porn and an A, I have an uncertainty about whether it will happen again. Because of that I feel a need to be prepared.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 1:09 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

"Pentup"........EXACTLY what I was thinking and trying to convey. You said the right word.....Push.

Posts: 2386 | Registered: Sep 2005
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

Could you still be sitting in that undecided limbo, neither all in, nor all out, so you are hoping for another A to push you out because you can not stand the uncertainty, and can not think of anything that could push you all in?


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
PhoenixStorm
Member
Member # 35316
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

no I would not wish to go through that pain again. However, I was so blind-sided by it all, I wish I could have seen and recognized the signs.
I would have liked to catch them red-handed, but I'm not sure if I wouldn't be serving prison time if so.
I suspect that he'll do it again, at some point. If so, I'm gone.


BS (ME) 54
WH 46
OW (BJ for busfare, I call her)
DDay: 2/20/12 The most out of control day of my life
Trying to R - not going so well

Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: In a state
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

Many many many many people here did not leave their marriage when the A happened. When they say it takes 2-5 years to heal, I also think it takes that long for a BS to actually understand, comprehend and even just truly accept the shit deck of cards they just got dealt.

Then if the WS never really did do the hard work to R, said they would but did not, the BS also out of fear maybe just rug swept a bit, was just happy that the WS seemed to want to be back and did not want to rock the boat to keep pushing for what they needed, then the WS read maybe one book and did the token 2 or 3 MC/IC type of things, AND a few years later we are back to the same behaviors by all that will implode once again.

The A is the tip of the iceberg as we all know here, if all the other behaviors are not dealt with then it will all still be eroding on the inside.


Posts: 5524 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Bravenewgirl
Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

I do know how you feel. And I know that once an A is uncovered, that's all the reason you need to leave.

However, it sticks in my craw that he would be able to tell himself and others that he really tried and was truly sorry, but his mean wife just could not forgive him.

A 2nd A would remove all that. We are all not stupid enough to think that another d-day would not be just as, if not more painful, but I know that I would not fight for the marriage for one single second.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
16forever
Member
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, August 19th (Monday)

I am not sure if my H would cheat again ask me today I would probably say no (these days are very few )the ow lives 4 block from me so if he wanted it would not be a strech I worry about his hooker using past what if I get boring in bed thats why he did it before would I leave rite now I would say yes but I also said before any of the A's were known I would ever deal with a cheater yet here iam and the pain was so unbearable when he left for her I just wanted the pain to stop and i took him back so I dont know I think I will probably be his carpet for the rest of my life cuz I just cant deal with it I do love him to very much to so I guess it wouldnt matter if he did it again I would stay


Me:BS
Him:WS
3 awesome kids

Posts: 174 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
PurpleBirch
Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, August 19th (Monday)

I get the point you're making, and I understand the logic and feeling behind it. However, I also think it's ok to just say: "You know what? I'm not happy", and leave. Yes, another A might make it "easier" to make that decision, but life can't always be easy.

My mom told me that separating from my dad was the hardest thing she ever did (and there was no A). If she hadn't though, they wouldn't have figured out what they really wanted, and what really makes them happy. (they did get back together after about 6 months of working on themselves)


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 19th (Monday)

I know how you feel. There are days I feel the same way. I am not wishing that he cheats again by any means, and pray he doesn't.

I did not find SI until after my 2 DDay's, so I did not fully handle it the way I should have at the time. I requested things, but I did not make them deal breakers as I should have. He does know that if he ever does it again, our marriage will be over and I will divorce him and he knows that I don't trust him at all. Hopefully eventually he will be able to win some (not all) of my trust back. I have detached enough that I will not let it surprise or hurt me as bad as it did before and I am getting my ducks in a row should I ever need to end it. I will never let myself be that nieve again. Just wanted you to know that what you are feeling is normal and there are others that feel the same.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
WhiteCarrera
Member
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I don't think anyone is really hoping for another affair, but I completely understand the question.

As BS, what we all want is just simple confirmation that we've done the right thing. If we've stayed in our marriage, we've done it because we think it is the best thing to do -- but we're never 100% sure ... and we want to be sure. We want to lay down at night, and say, "Yep, I absolutely did the right thing!"

Having stayed with my wife, there are always lingering questions and that little bit of doubt (maybe a lot for some) ... and it's always going to be there to some degree. But ... if she screwed up again, then I could make an easy decision, and at least there'd be some sense of relief that I'd KNOW that I'd done the right thing. I think that's what the original poster might have been getting at.


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 259 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Yes!!! I know he's broken nc but sometimes I wish I could catch him with someone so I could put this M out of its misery. I really felt that way after DD1 and before DD2 but I think it was because I kept feeling like things weren't right but I couldn't find anything. I know I can end my m any time I want but another A would surely put me into fast forward.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Status..%&$#@?$

Posts: 3974 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
tearingaway
Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

This question really makes sense to me. Wishing for an A to happen isn't exactly my mindset at the moment, but if she did have another A, it would confirm that I would have been right if I had left the first time.

Once upon a time, I was of the belief that if my W ever had an A, I would leave. Well, she had an A and I stayed with her. Having her do it again, however, would be completely different because I have fully experienced the pain a BS feels as a result of a cheating spouse. I refuse to experience that pain again, so I would just leave, no questions asked. In fact, I already have my exit plan in place should it happen again. If WW had another A, it would just be so much easier to leave this time and it would clearly be the right thing to do.


Posts: 228 | Registered: May 2010
WhiteCarrera
Member
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

tearingaway -- Agreed!


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 259 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 33