SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: A question about successful R
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I feel like my WH and I are moving closer and closer to R every day. He is throwing his heart and soul into this marriage, we are able to talk about the A without yelling at each other, and he has been very understanding about my "moments."

We were talking this morning about moving forward, and how we both really hoped we can get through this. But, he said, I can't spy on him forever, right? Well, no, of course not. But then I got to wondering... how long would I spy on him? Weeks? Months? Years?? I know how it works - your mileage may vary. But... I wanted to pose this question to successful R-er's:

How long did you continue to "check up" on your WS after you started R?


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Great question. I don't know if its ok for me as a WS to respond. But felt like I needed to. From my point of view I think its for as long as you don't feel safe with your WS. Maybe its a short time...maybe you do for many years to come. And any WS should understand that. When you feel safe. And maybe even after if a red flag is raised. Just my thoughts. But a great question.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Aug 2012
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

My fWH had made it clear I can check up on him for forever if that's what it takes for me to feel comfortable. He has agreed no more secrets.

On our advice our newly married daughter and son-in-law are now sharing one facebook account. We told them of the nightmare stories we've heard of facebook and infidelity.

And I've told him he can do the same to my stuff. We use the same access codes for our phones and have access to both our emails. We've never used Facebook due to privacy concerns.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:26 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 518 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I would have to sort of disagree with scream... it's not a matter of checking up as long as you don't feel safe, it's a matter of continuing to trust but verify. The WS loses the privilege of "blind trust", you know, the kind where you just believed everything they told you without any doubt whatsoever. Well, after DDay, we all KNOW our WS is capable of doing the unthinkable. Enter trust but verify.

We are almost 6 years out of a very successful reconciliation, and I still check my H's phone on very rare occasions. It's not that I think he's doing anything, it's just that I want to make sure he's not. He fooled me once before, and I will never allow him to put me in that position again.

So yes, you CAN "spy" on him forever. Or, in the words of a remorseful WS (my own), I can verify info anytime I want. Spy sounds like it's a game, and he's hiding something and waiting for you to find it, I don't do that. I verify.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
ccw82
Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

IMO, he needs to be willing to be "spied on" FOR. THE. REST. OF. HIS. LIFE.

*He* messed this up. *He* betrayed your trust. *He* must be willing to meet your terms (no matter what they are, whatever they may be) if he truly wants reconciliation with you!

At the same time, you also don't want to drive yourself bat sh*t crazy obsessing over his crap 24/7. So maybe random, unannounced spot checks from time to time? Really, it's up to you and when you feel safe enough to fully trust him again.


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Mileage does vary. Scream said it right, whenever you are comfortable.

Try not to think of it as spying. Try to think of it as verifying. Verifying the trust you are putting in him. Every time you check and find nothing that trust grows.

Also ask him to be proactive in providing it for you. Seeing his effort also builds trust.

My fWS still won't delete any texts, emails, or internet history without offering for me to check it. I haven't check in months. It makes her feel good and me too.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2552 | Registered: Aug 2012
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

trust but verify

This is the stage I hope to arrive at eventually. These days, I check his phone, e-mail, and FB regularly. I think he is perfectly willing to have me check up on him for the rest of his life. But for me, I feel like if I am still monitoring these things on a daily basis then we have not healed at all. I want to get to a place where I only check up because I randomly remembered that I hadn't done so in a long time. Or, as Scream said, if a red flag is raised.

you also don't want to drive yourself bat sh*t crazy obsessing over his crap 24/7

This about sums it up. These days it's down to somewhere in the 12/7 range. I'm hoping to get it to something like 2/2. Then after that maybe like 3 days a month tops... I guess only time will tell.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I'd honestly be kinda wigging out that he even asked me honestly. But then again - I am in one of those panic states so who knows. lol


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I'd honestly be kinda wigging out that he even asked me

You probably had to be there for the conversation to know that he wasn't asking like it wasn't okay. His comment didn't bother me because I agree that if I am still diligently checking his e-mail, FB and phone, say, two years from now, that would be a clear sign that we haven't made any progress. Honestly, I don't want to be checking them now. He completely understands that I don't trust him, and that I won't for a long time. We are only about a week out from the start of transparency, and just because I haven't seen anything doesn't mean there isn't something to find. I am just hoping that as the days/weeks/months go by, I find it less and less necessary to check....


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I have a male friend who knows about my situation. He told me about a former girlfriend he had when he was in H.S. and college. He was very serious about her and found out she was cheating on him. He was devastated. He said they were not even engaged and he has never gotten over it. They tried to work it out but it did not work out and he went on to date and marry someone else. To this day, even though his wife has never given him something to be concerned about, he sometimes checks up on her.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 856 | Registered: Jun 2013
struggling3
Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I still check everything every day after two years. I've had not one thing ring my bell yet but I can't stop doing it. Sometimes it bothers me. My H tells me if I need to do it forever than so be it. I hope not though, some day maybe.....


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 304 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

To this day, even though his wife has never given him something to be concerned about, he sometimes checks up on her.

Once bitten, twice shy. I can understand that. Honestly, I think that's part of the reason why I'm giving WH another chance. I wouldn't trust any other man any more than I could ever trust him. If I moved on and got remarried, I'd probably check up on H #2 also. At least current H has a reason not to be trusted - it wouldn't be fair to someone else to carry his baggage...


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
VD2012
Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

I checked up on my wife constantly for the first 3 months. Internet history, text messages, emails, phone records, etc. I was looking at everything I could every single day to the point of obsession.

I was honestly expecting to find something. Not sure what, but I'd know it when I saw it. I never did see anything. She never balked at how often I checked things (though she was concerned how it literally consumed my every waking moment). After a few months she started volunteering information I'd never even think to check and was coming to me about things all the time.

It was that moment where she went from being openly transparent to outright pro-active about it that my obsessiveness eased off. As time has moved forward the urges and desire to check up on things has waned tremendously. It came to a point where I just told myself that I was wasting my own time and my own life worrying about policing and checking up on someone else. My time and stress level are far more important to me than that. I told myself that if she should cheat again I'll likely find out and deal with it then. Being paranoid about something I fear may happen is pointless.

That said, it's my wife's efforts that allow me to not obsessively check. It's her change in behaviour and helping me. I still check things, mainly just her phone and occasionally email, but she's given me no cause to so it's more just a quick verify to ease anxieties. And that's the most important thing she's given me no cause to.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
Topic Posts: 13