SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: need help from the BS's
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I am a WW, and have posted a lot in the wayward forum, especially about this topic..but now I have a question for the WS...

When you found out about your WS A, how/when did you know you wanted to R? Did you have hesitations?

How did (or are you) getting past the fear of R and having your trust broken again?

The reason I ask is I am trying to R with my WH but after 8 months of being seperated he still wont let me move back home, and doesnt even know if he wants to R. He says he is so afraid of what may happen if he lets me move back home.

Both myself and his IC have told him it shouldnt take him so long to figure out what he wants....our friends have also told him he needs to make a decision and he should let me move back home.

My heart is breaking for him because I know he is suffering and I dont know how to help him. I dont want to pressure him to make a choice because it was my actions that got us here, but at the same time I have done what I can to prove I want to R, and I am starting to feel like he is going to keep us in limbo forever.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
boontje
Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

When I first found out, I chose to stay, mainly because I was paralyzed by fear. I honestly didn''t know what else to do. Although we started working with a MC immediately, and began the process of R, as the months went by, I questioned my decision to stay on the marriage. This happened as my own fog lifted, and I was no longer surviving just day to day.

Two years and a few setbacks later, I am glad I stayed, but it has not been easy for either of us. I am sure I can NOT survive another dday, and sometimes the fear of that happening can really bring me down. Perhaps fear is driving your BH to not make a decision either way. As far as how I deal with the fear, I try my best to see what my husband is doing every day to help me regain safety. Some days are better than others. I think it will take a long time.

I am so sorry you are still in limbo. It sucks.


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 965 | Registered: Aug 2011
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

You have to go back home. This is limbo.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
SecondHelping
Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Sounds like he already made his decision.

I told my fWW to leave, but since she's not from this country she didn't have any place to go. I moved into the living room for 3 1/2 months before I went back to the bedroom. I still wasn't 100% sure at that point, but moving back into the BR and her actions brought me to the full R decision.

Good luck.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 492 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
AppleBlossom
Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I found out on the Friday and by Sunday I knew that I wanted to R. However, I knew that if I wanted to do that, I had to be totally committed to doing it. Which doesnt mean I had to forgive him, just that I had to be committed to putting all I could into R. So did he.

To be honest, being together as much as we can helped enormously. We could spend time together talking, I felt safe when he was with me, he was there to see me triggering and fall in a heap. He was there at three in the morning when I woke him in tears saying "why???". I still feel an enormous amount of fear, and sometimes the memories and mind movies are as fresh as the day it happened.

Fear can be paralysing, but at some point if you dont jump off that bridge, you will never know if you can swim.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I am sure I can NOT survive another dday, and sometimes the fear of that happening can really bring me down.

This is how I (and, I imagine, countless other BS's) feel as well. It is probably this fear that is the biggest deterrent against R. For me, things with my WH are getting better every day. But I'm holding off considering us in R because I still feel like the other shoe has yet to drop (so to speak). If, at some point, I can feel (reasonably) comfortable that I'm not in for another blind-siding discovery, I will start to give more to this relationship than I've been giving.

I've found that with regard to my H's affair, my emotions are very strongly tied to my physical ability... and right now, I'm no more capable of offering R than I am of lifting a car.

A saying you will see a lot on SI: Your mileage may vary, meaning, everybody's situation is different. What might take someone 6 months to work through, someone else may need a year or 2. I can tell you though, the IC's and the friends pushing him to make up his mind - not helpful.

ETA: However, I do think he should allow you to go home. That should help him figure out what he wants so your marriage isn't in limbo forever.

[This message edited by krazy8516 at 9:03 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

So sorry for what you both are going through. This must be a very difficult situation.

Both myself and his IC have told him it shouldnt take him so long to figure out what he wants....our friends have also told him he needs to make a decision and he should let me move back home.

He is making his own decision. He may be tired of others making them for him. Many WS's don't realize when they choose to have an affair, they are also making decisions for their BS without their consent. As a BH, it was one of the things I resented about the affair.

Your BH may also be thinking that his marriage was a mistake and partly blames himself for the failure. If this is the case, he may not want to repeat the same mistake. If everyone is pressuring him to make a decision, he may be in the process of establishing a new support group apart from his current sphere of friends.

I dont want to pressure him to make a choice because it was my actions that got us here

This contradicts what you originally said, where you and the IC are telling him he should not take so long to make a decision.

I am starting to feel like he is going to keep us in limbo forever.

How long are you willing to wait? Have you discussed this with your BH? Are you willing to "date" for awhile until intimacy returns? Perhaps you two can meet part way? For example, coming home on the weekend?


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5696 | Registered: Aug 2007
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

I've seen your posts on the wayward forum. You've still got the OP on your brain. Right? Emotionally/mentally, you aren't NC. I don't know how much contact you have with BH, but he may be picking up on this, extending his desire to keep you away.

Honestly, I would focus less on moving back in and more on NC. I also don't think 8 months of separation means he's made his decision, though. Loads of people take a year to decide (in fact, that's recommended) and if separation is the way he wants to take his time and decide, so be it. Those in R are recommended to live together. Sometimes living together in limbo can help the BS better see the actions of the WS. However, I also think taking a lot of time and space allows the BS to get their priorities straight without the influence of the WS. To each their own. Has he given you the reason why he needs to make a decision in this way? Without you present?

Grieving alone is a preference for people as well and he's gotta be in a whole lotta grief right now.

To answer your question, it took me a few months after D-Day 1 to decide to R. And 6 months after D-Day 2. Even though the D-Day 2 revelations were far worse, I gained trust because his changes are so profound and they were immediate. He hit rock bottom and started climbing, inch by inch. After D-Day 1, the changes were more surface. It is about fully embracing a new life and a new way of doing things. When I saw that, I started to believe and started to trust it might be possible, but gave myself a few more months before committing to MC which, to me, is the first official commitment I've made to R.

Interestingly, my real "aha" moment with deciding to R is that I'm just not fearful. I refuse to live that way and a lot of it is personal and has nothing to do with WH. But a lot of his actions soothed any remaining fear and continue to do so each day.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
MsRukia
Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Me and my WH are already working towards R. However, he has demonstrated true remorse, going to IC, has done what I have asked so far, and he is not pressuring me. Most important he is NC with OW. If you have not completely cut contact and let go, how can your partner move forward with you. If you can't let go, I don't think your BS should move forward with you. You aren't ready if you haven't let to. If your not willing to do the work you need to do its not fair to ask your BH. That's just my opinion.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

IMO it sounds like he's waiting for you to put the bullet in.

I.. well, I took my wife to Nordstroms the day after since it was mothers day.

I told her what I wanted for us to stay together, she agreed and we worked on it together from there. Everyone is different though. We all follow our own timelines.


You can't help someone who won't let you. If he won't let you move back, you need to decide how long to wait before you move on. You can tell him you want to try to work on it, you're willing to do what he wants, but if he won't accept that you can't force it.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Thank you everyone for your input, it is helpful to hear the opinions of other BS's.

Harden my heart,
I didnt mean to contradict myself, but I do see it. I guess the thing is after reading a lot on the BS forums I have seen what people feel and experience, but I havent seen any of these things in my BH.

He says he know he needs to make a decision, but I havent seen him take any steps to do that yet. I dont want to pressure him to make a decision, but I also dont want him to not work through his feelings and deal with it, which is what he is doing now. I think he has been surpressing a lot, which I dont want him to do because then he wont be able to heal. I hope this makes some sense.

As for going home on the weekends, we are both skeptical to do that because we have a 4 year old daughter and dont want to confuse her...it would be to much for her if it were that inconsistent.

I am NC with my AP...I am currently searching for a new job so I dont have to see AP anymore....as for the emotional NC, this is something I have been working on for the last few months in my own IC. My BH and I havent discussed much about my feelings towards the AP, as my BH has told me he doesnt want to know about it.

Ms. Rukia,
You do bring up a good point, and I have asked my BH what he needs me to do to help him to regain trust in me, but he has said he doesnt know....I have deactivated my FB account (thats how I interacted with AP) and have offered to give him full access to my cellpone, or to even get rid of it. And like I said, I am going to quit my job soon once I find another.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
MsRukia
Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Alyssa,
I get that he just might not know what he needs and wants from you. I am still figuring it out myself. Just let your H know what you want. Let him know that you want to give him what he needs, but that your not a mind reader. You can't fix what he doesn't tell you. Keep working in you and you have to decide whether he is worth waiting for or not. If he is then you should figure out why you are feeling impatient.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Thank you Ms. Rukia,
I think the reason I am impatient is because I want to fix things so badly. I want to be able to move back home so we can reconnect and rebuild our marriage, and so I can prove to him that I understand how badly I messed up, but I want to fix it.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

And yes, in the meantime I will continue to work on myself....I have made some progress so far but know that I still have a lot of work to do!!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Hi Alyssamd24,

I have read some of your posts on the Wayward Forum also.
I guess I go on there at times to try to understand what went on in my WH's mind, that he was intimate with another woman, while I, his life partner, was home taking care of his kids.

When you found out about your WS A, how/when did you know you wanted to R? Did you have hesitations?

WH has been living back home with me & the kids for a year and three quarters. I wasn't sure when I let him come home, & I still have doubts a lot of the time. It is a lot of hard work repairing the damage he did. Not only the damage of his A, but all the lying, TT, & continued contact with OW after Dday.

I dont know how to help him.

It is my gut feeling, from reading your posts on wayward forum, that how you can help him is to give him time.

Read "the Lifeboat" , if you haven't already:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=354101

Both myself and his IC have told him it shouldnt take him so long to figure out what he wants....our friends have also told him he needs to make a decision

Honestly, this very statement gets me, as a BS, angry. Nobody has any right to tell a BS how long it should take them to "get over it and move on." Walk in our shoes first and you'll see. We feel so trapped between a rock & a hard place---It was done to us & we didn't have a choice about being put in this position.
None of our options for the future look good.

And like I said, I am going to quit my job soon once I find another.

As a BW whose WH still works with OW, I can tell you that (2 yrs 3 mos post Dday) every single morning when he leaves for work, I wonder if he will see OW. Doesn't make me feel very safe, & this has for sure hindered our R.

What have you done to make your BH feel safe? If you want to prove to him that you mean it (that you want R), quit working with the OM.
I bet he might feel more like taking a risk and giving you his heart again if you did not work with OM.

Sorry Alyssa, don't mean to hurl so many 2 X 4's. I commend you for coming here & being willing to work on this. Wishing you good luck.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 12:26 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Dec 2012
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Alyssamd24....

Reading everything here and in the WS posts maybe what you should do is just focus on yourself. Everyone here talks about 180. I have to say I have never had to do this. I have a remorseful spouse and he has moved mountains to fix his past mistake.

Maybe if you do a 180 on him he will figure out one way or another what he does want.

I know you understand that what you have done has hurt your BS very badly. It may or may not be fixable. Even if it isn't you need to work hard to figure out why you did this, especially if you have a 4 year old daughter. Your daughter doesn't deserve to be in the middle of all of this and I would hope that you would want to not take the negative forward with you, no matter if it is with your current husband or someone totally different.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

Someone suggested you try dating your BS, are you doing that? Your only real chance at R is to show him, through your words, but especially through your actions that you are changing and becoming someone he can trust again someday.

No one can read his mind from afar. If I were you, I''d set up an MC appointment and invite him. The 180 does not apply to your situation per se, and neither is it meant to be used as a ploy to get our partner''s attention.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
wincing_at_light
Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

Took me 3 years to fully commit to the idea of reconciliation. Anything else would have been rushing it.

(It's worth noting, however, that my wife and I remained living together...but I literally considered the option of visiting the lawyer on the way home from work almost every day of that three years.)


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6750 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

When you found out about your WS A, how/when did you know you wanted to R? Did you have hesitations?

At first, I didn't know for sure. And yes, there was plenty of hesitation. Basically in the beginning I agreed to try. Pretty much bc we started out so in love and it sickened me to think our story was going to end like that. But honestly, I didn't think it would work. I did not see how it was possible to ever get past this. I did not see how we could ever be truly happy ever again. But I figured that if we got to a better place with each other at least it would lead to a more amicable divorce.

But much to my surprise, it seems to be working. We are 9 months in and things are so much better. But it has taken sooooooooo much work. I know everyone always talks about doing "the work" around here, but the intensity of it is hard to describe. We talked about this EVERY NIGHT for the first 7 months. Finally in the last 2 we've been able to start working on some marriage enrichment stuff as well. But my point is that with you guys living separately, this is not possible. Apology is not something you do once and are done with in this situation. It happens several times every day. By being especially considerate. Or by expressing concern if your BS gets a funny look on their face. No matter how remorseful you are, he won't be able to realize it if he doesn't see it day in and day out. Because in this situation, a spoken apology, no matter how sincere or how many times repeated, is not enough. BS's need to see actions. And he can't see yours if you aren't together.

However, you can't "make" him want to live with you right now. But somehow you need to get across to him that you are remorseful every second of the day. And if he won't let you see him, the only way I can think of to do this is through texting. Blow up his phone. Don't make them all lovey dovey at this point. Make them considerate and inject remorse here and there. Text him good morning when you wake up. Text him good night before you go to bed. Reveal some feelings. Tell him you are looking for a new job. Bc it makes you sick to be there now. Tell him the things you always liked about him. That he's a good father or whatever. And that you can't understand how you could have ever lost sight of that. Let him know that you are hurting without making it sound like you are feeling sorry for yourself. Tell him that you cried all day and that the worst part is knowing that as bad as you feel, you know he feels ten times worse. Etc. You get the drift.

Be prepared to get no response or a negative one at first. Keep doing it anyway. Do not let up. Show him you are tenacious. I know people say to be patient and that is absolutely true. But I really think you are at the point where it's time to do something drastic. You are not an unremorseful spouse who is going to hurt him again. YOU know this, but he doesn't. And he never will if you don't communicate.

In the meantime, I would keep working on yourself. Throw your whole self into this in any way you can think of, but prepare yourself for worst case scenario. Honestly, I think he is trying to detach to make the final split easier for him (sorry...). But it gives me hope that he hasn't actually filed. If he really wanted to be rid of you that badly I can't help but think he would have already done so. I think he must still want you and is just waiting for a reason to believe that he is not stupid for feeling that way.

Lastly, I think that if you get to the year mark and nothing has changed, then you will possibly have to do the thing I know you don't want to do. And I don't mean things should be all better by then. By any means. But if you can feel no willingness at all from him at that point then it is time to decide what comes next. It is not healthy for either of you to stay in limbo forever. I think it would be time for both of you to either decide to really give R a try (with you in the house) or end things. Perhaps make it clear that just bc you will be trying your best at R doesn't mean that it will work. But the way things are now will definitely not work.

One more thing before I close this book (ha!) is:

Both myself and his IC have told him it shouldnt take him so long to figure out what he wants....our friends have also told him he needs to make a decision and he should let me move back home.

Be careful with this. This would make me feel like people were ganging up on me and making ME into the bad guy. Not the type of feeling I know you are trying to foster right now.

Good luck. I know you must be getting desperate and I feel for you. I'll be pulling for you over here...


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

The day after Dday I committed to trying for one year. I was not really committed to R until about 10 months. My commitment to R was directly related to my fWS commitment to winning me back. It started with seeing her compliance to my requests and continued to her being proactive.

I needed to see her FIGHT for me and for us.

I agree with Knowing. Court him, date him, win him. Don't wait for him to just invite you back. Don't take him for granted.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

I think the reason I am impatient is because I want to fix things so badly. I want to be able to move back home so we can reconnect and rebuild our marriage, and so I can prove to him that I understand how badly I messed up, but I want to fix it.

Perhaps your H senses this and he does not want to "let" you have this. It is the only small amount of power he has at this time.

For me, my H was pretty bad at holidays and special days with gifts and showing his appreciation of me, etc. The V-day right after d-day he wanted to go all out, but I told him NO, I wanted nothing, not in word or deed. It was the only area I felt I had any control in and to be honest the pain of him finally wanting to be nice to me was just too much to bear. I had already given up so much to R and was working through so much that this was one area I just could not conceed in, it was the straw which would have broken my R back.

All that said, I chose to R right away.

I realize this is a much larger issue that mine was. Also, just as WAL pointed out, just because a BS is still in the home, still acting like a spouse does not mean they are in it fully, so the opposite can be true as well, just because your H is not living with you does not necessarily mean he is out the door. Only he can tell you, just as only you can decide how long to live like this.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3461 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

I've been betrayed 5 times by 5 different women. The first 4 times it was an immediate deal breaker. I'm currently 18 months past D-Day. Probably the first 8 months were very dicey. At that point, I saw true remorse set in and we began to really begin R. She never left however.

Is the other woman still dating your BH? As long as that is occurring, R isn't going to happen.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3027 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

Chico....I did the same thing. I think it was around 8 months I knew I was going to stay. Until then it was constantly in flux.

It doesn't matter if you follow through with the same direction as you started with. The key is you Made a decision. I think those who don't internalize their decisions sit on a dense and spin their wheels. Pick staying or going and work towards that goal. Some start one path and go the other way, some continue down the path they initially chose.

Only you know which path is right for you right now. Whatever feels right stay that course. If you slowly feel the other way, chan peg your course. There are no rules on engagement.......just make sure you engage. Fence sitting waists valuable time that could be spent making you better.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

I haven't read this thread, so some of this might be a repetition.

I wanted to R immediately, but I didn't commit to R for 90 days, and in retrospect I wish I had waited longer, even though R has gone about as well as it can from day 1.

What follows (from here to when I say 'end opinions')is opinion only, filled with generalizations, so you'll have use your own judgment, impaired though it probably is:

It sounds like your H may be stuck in feelings of anger, despair, and fear of what you'll do. It also sounds like his IC isn't doing a great job - s/he should be helping your H process his feelings, not pushing him to decide before he's ready.

I'd like your H - and every BS - to think about what he wants in general and what he wants in his M specifically. I think BSes should remember that 'not cheating again' is just one requirement of many.

BSes should talk with their partners to see if they can agree on what the M will be.

BSes shouldn't agree to R unless the WS agrees to go NC, to be transparent, to be honest, and to enter IC with a goal of changing the thoughts and feelings that allowed them to cheat. BSes should also add their own specific requirements as appropriate - my W agreed to initiate sex sometimes, arrange weekly dates, and write me love letters (which she did rarely, but made up for in other ways - I should take the requirement off the books ).

Some people need longer to decide than others do. When I first started I saw recommendations to take at least 3, 6, and 12 months to decide.

I think it's reasonable for his IC to talk with your H about what will allow him to make a decision. I think it's reasonable for you to talk with your H about what will allow him to make a decision.

I think it may be beneficial for you to ask him if he's thought about rebuilding a new M and what that M would be like.

I think it may be beneficial for you to think about what you want in your M and talk about that with your H. If you paint a picture he likes, he may see a reason to make a decision.

Most of all, I think the quickest way for him to get to the point of making a decision is for him to process his feelings of grief, anger, and fear. Once he's really started doing that, I suspect he can start seeing a healthy future for himself, and that will lead naturally to a decision.

End opinions. For now at least....

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:40 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
brainless twit
Member
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, August 19th (Monday)

I tried desperately for R (see timeline in my signature) but it didn't really happen until 5 years after the A and 2 years after the divorce because he wasn't remorseful and didn't make an effort. And now we have just experienced a second A so I may not be the best person to answer. Yet here I am sticking my two cents in.

It's so incredibly scary to try to trust someone who has betrayed you. Especially if there were multiple D-Days, trickle truth, etc. You start questioning everything and you have no idea what's true and what isn't. Half the time I don't even know if I can trust myself on "normal" things like whether grass is actually green - that's what infidelity has done to my ability to trust my own instincts and make conscious choices. Plus I have chronic PTSD as a result of all this, so sometimes my interpretation of reality isn't the best it could be.

All that said, part of the reason we ended up with a second A (not that I blame myself) is because I let fear rule my thoughts and actions. I let XWH move back in too soon and I wasn't ready for the flood of emotions that came with it. Earlier this year I asked him to move out because I couldn't handle the flashbacks and the intense anger I still felt. He started seeing someone else. When I came to my senses and decided I was being an idiot, he opted not to tell me about her - he didn't want to throw away that relationship in case it didn't work out between us. Now I have to live every day knowing that it probably never would have happened if I hadn't kicked him out of the house.

That may seem irrelevant to your situation, but what I'm saying is that it may not be a bad sign that he hasn't let you come back home yet. I know you want to badly, but if he isn't ready, you could end up in a situation like ours, where you go home and things seem fine, then one day he can't handle it and asks you to leave again. My XWH is deeply hurt by what I did and he now has a hard time trusting me not to do it again - it has been almost as bad for him as his cheating has been for me. Seeing the pain I inflicted on him has been awful... If your situation was mine, I would much rather wait until he felt safe. I don't know if this makes a bit of sense but I can kind of understand where your BH is at, and I feel like he's being smart to avoid a mess like the one I created in my own relationship.


"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.


Posts: 1541 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, August 19th (Monday)

We stopped communicating years ago and I was just trying to hang on for 2 more years for my son. I was questioning if I even still loved my husband. Either way, I always thought I would leave if he cheated. My friends thought I would use this as an excuse to leave. When I found out about his EA, leaving never crossed my mind. In fact, it woke me up and I discovered how much I really love my husband. I knew it wouldn't be easy to fix things and I'm still not sure we can make it through this but I have hope for the first time in years. I have feelings for the first time in years. It hurts and hurts bad but it's better than being numb like I was.

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 26