Just Found Out
User Topic: How to handle
New Member
Member # 40351
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

My WS of almost 7 years was on an internet dating site 3 years ago. We went to counseling and he agreed not to do it again. Also to spend more time with me. He is retired. I still work full time, do almost all the housework and yardwork. Another time I caught him on another dating site. Last December I found a torn receipt in the trash for a hotel. He said he never made it to the hotel because he realized it was wrong. I do remember him only being gone for a short time. Anyway, he was visiting his daughter and I went on his computer and discovered he was on another dating site. At first he denied it. When he came home he said he had only been looking, never meeting. I was able to get into his email and discovered he had met with at least 4 women this year. One he had met with repeatedly. He stated it was only for coffee. The emails were for brunch, biking and meeting at the beach. One woman had actually called his cell phone months ago and I had answered. She said she had the wrong number. My husband had explained she was someone he had helped. I thought that was an odd answer but let it go. After many lies, WS stated only met her for coffee, then just a kiss, then fondling, then sex.
Now I am sad, angry and having difficulty sleeping. We are supposed to go on a two week vacation. I don't really want to go under the circumstances but we will lose a lot of money if we don't go. we haven't been on a vacation for a long time.
He appears remorseful and wants to save the marriage, but I have heard it all before. He lied so many times to me.
He is a widower and I have no reason to believe he cheated on his first wife. He was very successful and a workaholic. I was attracted to him because of his honesty,
kindness, similar values and interests. He seems to have changed over the last 3 years.
I just do not know what to do.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, August 18th (Sunday)


I'm sorry that you find yourself here.

Your husband show a long history of cheating. It doesn't matter if anything physical happened or not, the intent was there on his part.

You both need individual counseling and marriage counseling if you wish to save this marriage.

Eat, sleep, breathe.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

Dup post

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 8:20 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

Posts: 1544 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 18th (Sunday)


I am sorry you are here.

The best thing I can say to you is this:

Turn off the sound of what your WH is saying. Look back over the last three years as if it were a silent movie. Re-watch his actions. Tune out what he has said about those actions. Just watch.

Three years ago on a dating site. Found him on another dating site. Found receipt for hotel. On another dating site. Met 4 women this year. One several time. A call to his phone and hang up when you answer. Emails about brunch, biking, beach. Coffee, kissing, fondling, sex.....

^^^This is what you know. Do not listen to what he says about the above.

Gently, he is showing you (has shown you) who he is....

If your best girlfriend, daughter, sister, mother, etc..., told you the above story. What would you tell her to do? What actions would you suggest she start to do?

None of this is easy. It is not. It doesn't matter what your WS may have done with his first wife, whether he cheated on her or not. You KNOW what he is doing with you.

What will you do about it? Sadly, people will treat you exactly as you allow them to treat you.

Keep posting. We are here for you. I would start the 180 if I were you. The 180 is for you, not to get any type of reaction from your WS. Start healing yourself so you can take back control of this situation. Here is the link.

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

Posts: 1544 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

He sounds very similar to my wh and my wh has not changed and has been truly remorseful. I would be very suspect and watch his actions not his words. Go to ic and mc. But if his actions don't support true reconciliation then it's time to go

BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
Topic Posts: 5