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User Topic: Really Struggling
LifeJourney
New Member
Member # 40354
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

So great to find this online support system!
I'm not familar with all of the terms or abbreviations yet so forgive me in advance. WH and I have been in counseling for 3 months after I found out about an affair that ended last year. I thought we were making slow progress until this weekend when I found out he is another relationship that began before we started MC. He has been deceitful during the last 3 months of counseling and this time the A is emotional and sexual whereas last time it was only sexual. He called the OW with me present and ended it (supposedly) so now my question is this: He is obviously going to grieve the loss of this relationship. How do I respond to that? If we do work on reconciliation how does his grief over that loss facor in?
Also I will take any advice on how to stay focused at work. I have a great executive level, high visibility position but my work performance has greatly suffered due to my distraction.
thank you in advance!

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

(((LifeJourney))) <--- those are hugs.


I have no advice, but I want you to know you are being heard, and to bump this to the top so someone with advice may make comments.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5139 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, August 18th (Sunday)

Life Journey, welcome. I am sorry you are here.


First things first....do not jump into anything, agree to anything or make demands....yet.

Your WH has been deceiving you, yet again while you were in MC.


There is a good chance he could take his A underground now. Stop telling him what you know and how.

Breathe....you are in a reactionary state right now. Wanting to fix it, get on with it, etc...

You need to sort through what you really need to reconcile with him. What conditions you would need him to meet. What the consequences of not meeting those conditions will be as well. You have to be willing to stick with whatever you decide. You have to know which ones are deal breakers as well- meaning if he does not comply, it is over and done.

^^If you state any of the above and you do not follow through with what you say, you lose credibility. You absolutely have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to be able to save it.

You cannot jump into a plan of action willy nilly. You have to be thought out, have a plan, communicate it rationally and be willing to back up what you say with actions.

In the yellow box in the top left, there is the healing library. I suggest you click on it and start reading, especially in the the BS (betrayed spouse) frequently asked questions.

Keep posting. We are all here for you. Take care of you. Eat drink sleep.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1451 | Registered: Jun 2012
LifeJourney
New Member
Member # 40354
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Brokensmile - thank you for such great needed advice. I needed to hear all of it. So kind of you to take the time to respond.

TrustedHer - appreciate the support very much.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Hey there. Just a quick thought, but it''s not your job to help him "heal" from his infidelity and lying. He can haul his butt to his IC and cry on his shoulders, and figure out why he is such a broken person. The only person here who should be extended great amounts of care and concern over this A is you.

And unfortunately, since you''ve been through this once before, you do know that you guys need to go through yet another round of STD/HIV testing. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
LifeJourney
New Member
Member # 40354
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Thank you, Skan!
Some great things to think about.
It's not that I feel the need to help him heal ... it's the pain it causes ME to watch him grieve the loss of that relationship. As we all know, he was giving her everything he should have been giving me - that I was begging him to give me. So now to watch him grieve that loss is incredibly painful. Does that make sense?

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013
KVille
Member
Member # 29071
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Sorry for your pain. I understand what you are saying. It hurts to think he cared that much about another person.
Take care of your self. Only he can fix himself.


never ever getting back together

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: North Carolina
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Life Journey,

Of course watching him grieve that loss will be painful. Of course it hurts that you were asking for something that he was denying you, but giving to her.

If you read in the WS frequently asked questions, there is some reference to this as well.

The first thing you need is transparency. Is he being transparent with his phone, his money, banking, credit cards, email addresses, both personal and business...?

If he is like most here, he may slip with NC. He may not really be NC. That is why you need to get your ducks in a row. Do not believe everything he says. CHeaters lie.

Turn off the sound of his voice and what he says. Watch his actions. You will find truth in his actions.

As far as work, get your self to your doctor. Tell him/her what is happening. Not only do you need to be tested, they can help with any meds that might take the edge off, sleeping and/or eating etc...

It feels awful right now, but I promise, it does dull. You can make it through this. You will be ok, with or without him.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1451 | Registered: Jun 2012
LifeJourney
New Member
Member # 40354
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Thank you, Broken Smile ... I really needed to hear your advice. I've re-read your message several times and trying to let it sink in.
Can't thank you enough for taking the time to write.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 9