SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: did anyone give a third chance?
mixedintherut
Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

My situation is a bit different. My husband had an affair, he left with his mistress, we filed for divorce, but it was never finalized. Two and half years after leaving, he came back, I had prayed and daydreamed of that moment for so long, but never truly thought it would happen. The 31st of this month would have been our one year back together, things were good, or so they seemed until 3 weeks ago. It wasn't until this past Friday that I finally got some sort of answer. He is saying the same stuff, "I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone", and his answer is "I don't know" for almost every question. I have been a stay at home mom since he came back, and currently without a vehicle. We moved to a new city 3 months ago, and I am feeling stuck. I am SO mad at myself for giving him a second chance, and at the same time wishing he would work on this and attempt counseling. Truth is, we are in a lease for the next 8 months, he wants to live as a roommate situation, still supporting me and our daughter, but he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. My feelings and thoughts are everywhere, but ultimately I feel SO incredibly lonely. There's really not too many people I can talk to at the moment and I just want to disappear.

I don't even know that a third chance is a possibility, especially since he is refusing any help or communication outside of small talk at the moment. But I am curious to know if anyone else has dealt with anything similar.


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Gently I want to say I wouldn't give him another chance. He is totally showing you who he is.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
myheadreallyhurt
Member
Member # 36424
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

I have given far too many chances but in my case WH had taken the initiative on his own to attend IC. After working on himself and really admitting the truth not just to me but to himself I was more OK with another chance. I think in your case I probably wouldn't unless there was some major work done on his part by his choice to fix his underlying issues. We had a separation of almost 7 months with him coming back repeatedly during that time and leaving again. He's actually gone NC this time so that's big, also his IC worked long and hard on helping him figure out what he truly wanted in life (he's and alcoholic and SA) and told him that he could choose me, but he didn't have to but he couldn't have me and party lifestyle with OW and random sexual encounters.


"See that no one repays another evil with evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another"

Posts: 133 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

It takes two to R. He is telling you he isn't wanting to be married.

180 him. Do you have parents you can go too?


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
brainless twit
Member
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, August 19th (Monday)

We are on chance number twenty billion or so, but officially I'd call it a third chance since he had a second A recently - 7 years after the first one (and 3 years after we got divorced, yet we started R afterward).

Only you know your exact situation and circumstances. Only you know if another chance will make a difference. And I know it's not easy to decide after you've been hurt over and over. I'm biased because of my own situation, but I've learned that when a man says "I just want to be myself" they are usually already seeing someone.


"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.


Posts: 1541 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, August 19th (Monday)

I gave my XWH dozens of chances.
The last time we "reconciled" was after a two year split, similar to yours. During the separation, he dated the various OW, added new women to the lineup, and dated me as well. (Veterans, don't kick me too badly...I didn't discover SI until a few years after I already filed for divorce). I'd been so used to the manipulation and mind games, that the idea of my husband dating me and other women seemed perfectly "reasonable", especially the way he told it.

Needless to say, nothing changed in my situation. He continued to lie and cheat, but I'd had enough. I filed for divorce and never looked back.

I think your WH is showing you who he is. As difficult as it is, I think you need to move on- without him.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 12:30 AM, August 19th (Monday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6520 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, August 19th (Monday)

he wants to live as a roommate situation, still supporting me and our daughter, but he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.

Gently, mixedintherut, he doesn't want a third chance, so you need to proceed accordingly.

What does that mean?

I have been a stay at home mom since he came back, and currently without a vehicle. We moved to a new city 3 months ago, and I am feeling stuck.

It means 4 major steps toward independence:
1. Finding a job
2. Setting up a very, very detailed vehicle sharing document. What do you want/need? Do you want to drive him to work and pick him up, so you have freedom during the day? At a minimum, you must SHARE the vehicle on evening and weekends. He doesn't get to leave you to care for your daughter 24/7 and just drive off to start his single life.
3. Set up a childcare schedule for evening for evening and weekends.He doesn't get to leave you to care for your daughter 24/7 and just drive off to start his single life.
4. Visit a lawyer to learn your rights. You have legal rights; your WH does not get to call all the shots! He does NOT get all the money while you do all the work. Educate yourself.

I'm sorry, mixedintherut, I know this is not fair. It's certainly not how you expected your life to play out. But at the moment, you need to take control of your future.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
mixedintherut
Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 19th (Monday)

So, just to touch base, I had to look up what "180" meant, and it's exactly what I am going to be doing. I do not currently have family that I can go to, but he is a truck driver and typically only home 48 hours a week. He slept on the couch both nights he was at home this past weekend. Today is only day 4. I have done lots of thinking, I reached out to my sister and a friend, who have been keeping in close touch. I am trying to get past the shaking/not hungry/feeling as though I am going to throw up and as a result not eating. Obviously not eating is not healthy, and I have to take care of my daughter, so it has kept me moving. I also picked up a Zumba workout system, and have decided that it is time to work on me and what I want. As of right now, I am trying to be hopeful and trying not to concentrate on it. I need to find my happiness within, so that I can be happy whether its married, divorced and single, or dating. Just happy being me. Which is something that I have needed to work on for a very long time.

Oh, and I plan on seeing a lawyer within the next week or two.

[This message edited by mixedintherut at 12:40 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I have a friend IRL who gave his WW a third chance. The first affair was rugswept and they fell right back into their poor communication/intimacy patterns. The second affair aftermath was a much different story, but only because she owned her behavior and committed to real change, and he owned his pre-A behavior that contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. They are about 2-3 years in R, and doing great.

So anything's possible if people are willing to work hard towards positive change.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I am trying to get past the shaking/not hungry/feeling as though I am going to throw up and as a result not eating. Obviously not eating is not healthy, and I have to take care of my daughter, so it has kept me moving.

This was me very recently. I survived on water and toast for several weeks, and this was with about an hour of sleep a night (2 hours, tops). You may not feel like eating, but you know that you have to. Every few hours or so I would make myself a piece of toast. I didn't want it, or even know if I would be able to keep it down. But I made it, and I ate it. It was just enough to stave off passing out.

It sounds like you are aware of what you have to do for you and your daughter. Get started, and come here often for support. We're all here for ya.

::hugs::


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I did, but not by design. I don't know that I would have had I found out before it ended and we spent 10+ years building a life and three kids.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

You're only 26!!!! You deserve much, much better than this. I say (not gently, but firmly), get out now. I know how hard it is but this is not your fault. He is a cheater who cheats and you need someone who loves you. Your self-esteem must be at rock bottom now. My STBXWH cheated on me when we were in our mid-20s, did the whole remorse thing, yet in the 24 YEARS I STAYED WITH HIM AND GAVE HIM A CHANCE, I never once felt truly safe. And yes, eventually he fell in love and went off with someone else, destroying our family and devastating our kids. I am SO MUCH HAPPIER NOW :-) and beg you please do not consider anything other than kicking his ass out and getting a speedy divorce.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 872 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

Many people have, and 4ths, and 5ths, and more.

I can only speak for myself. Life is short, I'm well over half way done with it, and after what I went through I don't think I have it in me to give another chance.

My kids are growing up, I want to be with someone who makes the right choices with me and our relationship.

My wife does that today, it has taken a lot of time, counseling, and treatment.

If she stops, she knows where the line is drawn.

A little over a year ago, she did something that was reminiscent of the old WS (no affair and nothing like that at all but slipping back into old behaviors and not being open and honest) and I blew up. I simply could not take it anymore. I gathered the children together, told them that we couldn't all be together as a family because of their mother's lying, and I left.

A few hours later, I came back and I told her that I wasn't leaving, if anyone was leaving it was her, make her choice and live with it, no excuses. It was a shock for all of us, it took 6 months for us to get through that.

[This message edited by standinghere at 9:42 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
keptmyword
Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, August 26th (Monday)

No. I offered a second chance shortly after D-day but required no contact with the affair guy. She probably broke NC within minutes of agreeing. I found out very quickly that she had just tried taking it underground.

I knew I would be filing for divorce for certain after that and there would be no reconciliation.

I deserve better, and can do better than that shit.

My kids deserve to see that you DO NOT accept that shit in your life.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
Topic Posts: 14