User Topic: Girl code
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

So ladies, how many of you are believers in girl code? Meaning you just don't mess around with another woman's man. I have always followed the code, except briefly once in college - and I felt like a total POS. I don't get the complete disregard some women feel towards hurting other women!! I am sure there is a mentality that if she can't keep her man then that is her problem. Truly the betrayal is squarely on the shoulders of the cheating husband, but come on ladies!! No cheating on your community of sisters! Not cool! We all know the type - she prowls into the room thinking " lock up your husbands". Because she takes extra pride in snagging the challange of a married or committed man.

I am guessing there is a male equivalent. A bro code?

I can't stand these people. I think some very harsh thoughts about APs who will gladly go along with crushing spirits and tearing apart families

As for me, I'm all about girl code. Sisters, you have my loyalty.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller

Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 40275
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

My XWW is a very strong feminist that supports women's political and social rights at every turn. She wanted the world to be more fair for her daughter than it had been to her mother's generation of women. But when it came to cheating and having sex with another woman's husband, that apparently was ok with her. She wrecked 2 homes. The OM had a wife and 4 kids who lost a husband, dad, home, and way of life in the process. My XWW never saw the conflict between being pro-feminist and yet adulterous. I think she considered herself above the girl-code, but was quite mistaken.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

I always believed there was a 'girl code'. Boy was I ever stupid.

I have always been fiercely loyal to my friends, never once ever entertaining the thought of accepting the advances of their husbands or boyfriends, (and quite a few have come on to me over the years). I would quickly and harshly set those assholes straight, but now wish I had told their wives about their H's advances.

One situation that has always bothered me, even this many years later is this:
A roommate that lived with me in my early 20's had a boyfriend that actually cornered me, pushed me up against a wall, and was all over me. I pushed him off and read him the riot act, and he kept on badgering me, telling me that she would never know, and my boyfriend would never know, and I was actually dumbstruck with his words of betrayal. I told him he was nuts, that I would never betray my boyfriend, or my roommate, and to get the fuck away from me. He actually looked at me like I was crazy. I'll never forget it, he was so insistent.

Well, a few years later, she married someone else, and then divorced after a few more years. Then she began a long-term A with her boss. The guy was in construction, and he actually built a house for her, at little to no cost to her. She hung out with his family, fooling the wife for years. I knew about it, told her I didn't approve, but I never even considered outing the A to the wife at the time. Looking back, I certainly wish I had. After several years, I slowly backed away from the friendship.

The irony of it all was that I had been so fiercely loyal to her when her boyfriend was coming on to me years before, yet she clearly had no qualms about screwing another woman's H for years.
Disgusting to me. If there is a girl club, I think I must be the only member.

me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1:
Episode 2:

Posts: 7102 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Yes. I believe in the Girl Code - or rather, in the Fidelity Code in general. I don't expect other people to follow it necessarily, after seeing some folks make poor choices in my own family ...I don't take other people's boundaries for granted anymore. But as for how to act around other people, whether in relationships or not but ESPECIALLY in relationships... If I know a married couple, even if I was friends with the guy first, I'm making it a point to mostly if not only talk to the girl. It feels more respectful that way.

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

I never termed it "girl code" ~ for me I termed it: right vs wrong.

When presented with the choice to cheat with a married man, without hesitation I immediately chose to do the right thing. Then followed that with a lecture to the dick head about how wrong that was to step out on his wife.

Too bad I was not extended the same courtesy by the POS MOW that chose to engage in an A with my WH.

I will continue to choose to do the right thing...everyone should.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 34492
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

I hate you because you broke the unwritten rule among women. Women support each other. We know how difficult it is being a wife, mother and career women, and when a man comes to you complaining about his wife you should support the woman. You tell him ďOf course your wife falls asleep on the couch. Think about what she does all day.Ē Why donít you ask him what he is doing to make her life easier? You donít use that as an opportunity to move in for the kill.

This is from another affair site where the BS wrote a letter to AP (never sent) but the best reference to the "girl code" I have found! I also feel WH's AP broke a "girl code"!!!!!1

D-Day - 10/22/2011
Married 5/29/2004 together 13years!

(Me)"I've been called worse"....
(WH)"Oh yeah, like what?"
(Me)"YOUR wife!!!"

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Limbo Land
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

I am guessing there is a male equivalent. A bro code?

Definitely part of the unwritten guy code. Never mess with another man's woman. To do so is considered dishonorable.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:44 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, August 19th (Monday)

I never heard of the girl code. Maybe 'cuz I'm an old person? LOL But I do know right from wrong.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 39650
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, August 19th (Monday)

This hits home with me and I posted something about it before, too. Also about coworkers. I stupidly thought there was a "girl code", too.

I am so jaded and bitter now that every woman is a potential whore to me. I turn on bitch mode with everyone - cashiers, waitresses, random people who talk to my husband. Call me crazy, but I don't even have any interest in making any female friends either. Like I said, they are all potential whores in my eyes now. Sorry to be so negative. I just don't understand how a woman with her own husband and children could do that to another woman. She could have easily put herself in my shoes and thought about it for a second! But the bitch didn't.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Perfect quote M2S! We should be lifting each other up, not looking for a crack to slip into! And b07 - I have the same issue. Every time I'm in public I look at other women and wonder "was she one of them?". I struggle not to hate all other women because I can never know who they were. And speaking of bro code, I asked WH if it bothered him that some of the other women would have been other men's wives. He asked what made me think any of them were married. Really???!!!??? It was a hook up site!! Duh!!

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller

Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Me, completely, and in always supporting your female friends. The OW was my best female friend, she clearly didn't believe in it. I stupidly thought most women did and trusted them. Now I don't, which is horrible as a feminist.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I don't believe in a girl code or a guy code, I believe in being an honorable person with integrity.

Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I believed in it.

When I was in HS, I found out my crush had a thing for me too. We were on a field trip and spent the bus ride home holding hands and talking. His XGF (who had cheated on him BTW) saw and decided she wanted him again. I backed the heck off. Didn't want a part in a guy that might be interested in another girl.

History repeated itself when I got to college. MrH had a GF but walked in on her and his friend doing it doggy-style. Yeah, he was the BBF back then. He was acting all heart-broken and listening to sad love songs so I refused to have anything to do with him. What if they decided to get back together?

It was only after him trying to pique my interest by acting lovelorn and me walking the other way that he dropped the act and started pursuing me. Like my IC said, he's always been pursued, except by me. He's never had to put effort in, except with me. Guess he got tired of it.

No, in my mind not only do you go for another girl's guy, but if he is interested in her, you stay the hell away. No need for drama and heartbreak.

Then I M drama and heartbreak.

I tried to be so smart, yet I was so stupid.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I was just thinking this today.

My H has to own his shit, and turns out there is a lot to own. But why are there so many women (professional women who know me, know he is married) that are willing to pounce? Apparently he has to fend them off all the time (according to independent sources). With his history (CSA) I'm frankly amazed he's done as well as he has.(trust me, he gets no points for this!!!). Why would you want to go after a man, or, to be generous, encourage the advances of a man, who would have to be broken to sleep with you? Someone who doesn't even pretend to be unhappy with his marriage? What is wrong with these women?

I have taken to going by his work more, getting to know all the women (and they are all women). He posts pictures of us doing fun things on his FB and talks about me all the time. This may only help because it makes it harder for him to compartmentalize, but sometimes I feel like I'm marking my territory. And I really wish that I could count on sisterhood instead. Nope. Instead I have to hope for the best from a man who has already shown himself to be seriously flawed.

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1763 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I believe very strongly in girl code- or whatever you want to call it. I would never intentionally mess around with anybody who was in a relationship, and what's more, the one time I did by accident, I let her know immediately when I found out (none of that..."at first I didn't know and then I found out but I loved him" bullsh*t).

I simply don't understand what can possibly be so appealing about a man (or woman) that is lying to their partner. Disgusting.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Growing up in the '70s I strongly believed in the women's movement, one that supported the rights of ALL people. Women still have unique challenges in the world.

We should be lifting each other up, not looking for a crack to slip into!

It still is shocking to me to think that some women choose to use sexual favors to get money, etc. from married men instead of trying to stand on their own two feet. The realization of the lack of self esteem of these cretins amazes me.

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3667 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, August 19th (Monday)

If there is a bro code, my ex blew it by screwing his best friend's wife while the friend was deployed.

Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3698 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I have always followed the girl code. Even had a dam hand shake to go with it.

A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 40125
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Not a girl. But sorry, it's a general lack of morality.

Welcome to the "Me World".

Me: BS 40
Her: WS 32
Kids: 3,6
A1 - Summer 2009 PA, 2009-2011 Incomplete or False R
A2 - 2012-2013 EA
Status: NC AP, MC & R

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I certainly agree with all who posted it isn't so much code but rather a functioning moral compass that should keep us from cheating. For me though it's more than right and wrong, it's also a mentality of looking out for your sisters in life. Watch her back, not watch her man!
And a man that will sleep with a military wife while the husband is deployed, well that takes a special POS.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller

Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
New Member
Member # 39264
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Good question. I believe in girl code. I sent an email to OW informing her of the devastation they're A caused our family and ended the email with, "women aren't suppose to do that to each other, we're suppose to support one another."

I feel so strongly about it that before i even knew about my WH's A's I refused to help out for a school fundraiser (I volunteer for almost everything.) When my friends asked me why, I explained that I didn't like the woman coordinating the event because she use to be an OW but they both left their BS's to marry each other and I'm not helping her. Sure, the bigger picture is to raise funds for the school but that would have happened whether I volunteered or not.

BS- 40, WH 38
Married 13yrs, 2 Sweet Boys-5 & 9
DD#1: 1/10/12- 6mo EA
DD#2: 8/23/12-revealed 1PA, 2ONS in 2010 and 1EA/PA in 2004
DD#3: 9/10/12- ONS w/friend in 2010
Lots of other crap and TT - basically I was married to a guy that forgot he was

Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Maryland
Topic Posts: 21