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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: I'm okay now...long vent
curiouswiz
Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, August 19th (Monday)

When I arrived at the court house last Monday for the pretrial hearing stbx was walking out the front door. He let me know that my lawyer was going to be late and that he doesn't have to wait. He's got better things to do dontcha know. He's pissed off. While yelling at me about the delay I heard shitlicker's dog yap. The junky actually came with him and brought her dog. Well, I was surprised to see him so having her there was just frosting on the cake. She hid in the front seat, practically crawling under the dashboard so when I was leaving I drove right up to the car and said hello junky douchebag. Then drove back home to pick up real estate paperwork I had forgotten. I was glad for the extra half hour!

My attorney couldn't believe he was there either! We had made a bet in his office the week before that he wouldn't show up. He owes me a buck! ha While waiting stbx went into the clerks office 3 times to complain about his time being wasted and why can't we postpone! All up in their faces! Moron. There's an arrest warrant out for him and I had tried to get him arrested twice before in Boston! I wasn't able to because of jurisdiction problems but told him I would to try to save his life! We calmly talked about it! WTF?

When we got into the court the atty. handed us both some paperwork and he threw it back at him because he doesn't need it! When the court officer came in the atty. took him into another room to talk. When he came back I asked is he letting them know to arrest him and he nodded.

So the judge comes in and says "Well Mr. douchebag! I'm very surprised to see you!" The judge had this huge smile on his face! As though it was all so amusing! Then he looked at me and asked me if I was as surprised as he is! OMG! So sad it's hilarious! So atty. let's judge know Mr. Douchebag threw the paperwork back at him and the judge just keeps smiling. All the while the officer and another officer are chatting away when a third comes in but it's a sherrif now. There all walking around busy getting prepared. Does Mr. see this? They give him headphones to listen to the proceedings and he says he doesn't need them and throws them down on the table! Then while the judge is still smiling as though he's in a comedy he's never seen before, enjoying all of this he picks them up and puts them on! Again, WTF?

So the atty. and judge start and they don't know what to do to get him to respond in anyway that makes sense. Basically shrugging at each other. So the judge tells Mr. that he should take the paperwork because he's going to need something to read where he's going..They proceed to arrest him and Mr. starts telling the judge they might as well throw the key away because he's can't and won't do what's required. To be honest here I do think he's incapable at this time to help himself. He's stark raving mad now. Nothing he says makes much sense.

So they haul him off and the judge says he's really quite surprised and asked me if I was too and I told him yes and that I had started to take control of the finances and that it took me more than a year to figure out what to do, that I've had 6 foreclosure notices and I'm just trying to stay afloat. The judge smiled at me and was warm and said it will be okay and left the court.

That was last Monday. Yesterday I got a phone call while at the market. He's telling me to have my atty. get him released! To have the atty. go to court today and to get him out. I told him I can't and that he's pissed the court off and he says I can. Okay Mr. Then he says bring me some money so I can have phone and canteen. Do it today. He's surprised. He can't believe this is happening. He can't believe shitlicker hasn't visited him. He can't believe she isn't helping him and I better get there and help him out!

I loved leaving the court while shitlicker was waiting for him and knowing she would sit there for a long time before she knew what happened. I loved that. I didn't love him being arrested but I love that he'll get medical care. He told me that's why he has to get out! He needs to see the Dr., he needs to get his eyes examined!?? What? I haven't had an eye exam in 3 years because of this shit and need new lenses!

I thought karma would feel good. I don't want any harm to come to him because he has made himself so sickly. But karma has arrived and it's not so sweet folks. What the hell is wrong with me that I have sympathy for this bastard, still?

I will go to the jail today. I will put $20 in for his canteen and that will be painful for me to do. I will NOT get him out of jail. I will let him stay there until he's healthy and/or does what the court orders. I'm torn about visiting with him. I'm not sure any good can come out of it this early in his stay. He is incapable of getting himself out so there he'll sit.

I have to go to Boston and deal with violent tenants that are his friends and could very well kill me. I have no idea if shitlicker is living in my house there and are there other heroin junkies living there with her? I have not wanted to go there to face this. I will have to do it at some point this week and it frightens the shit out of me to just think about.

And! I had a beautiful ride on my Vespa, finally, last Friday and I rode in the mountains and I had a glorious day. Then I crashed into a stone wall 50 feet from my house! It hurts! My ribs are killing me! But that's another story altogether and this is already a novel.

Any and all feedback is appreciated kids.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Wow the karma bus has hit.

I wouldn't be doing anything for him but that's just me.

Can you get the Police to accompany you to the home?

Hope you heal quickly from your crash!


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1286 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Do not do a single thing for him. That is the kindest thing to do here for him and for you.

Don't visit. Don't send money. Don't do anything.

Dude needs to hit rock bottom and you need to detach.

My head hurts just reading your post - I cannot imagine living it.

Well, I can actually. My father was a hopeless addict - booze, drugs, women, beating the shit out of my mum, what-the-fuck-ever distracted him from whatever blackness he had inside himself.

It is an illness. Very difficult to fix. Impossible if they are being enabled - especially by someone who enables as an act of love.

Walk away and do not look back. Feel your feelings and work through them. One of my favourite quotes:

"Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve".


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5464 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Do not do a single thing for him. That is the kindest thing to do here for him and for you.
curious - I completely agree with SBB. Do NOT do anything for him. If there's ANY hope for him to pull out of this, he has to hit rock bottom and do all the work himself. You know this. He's trying to work your guilt to soften his fall. Don't do it.

Do not go alone to deal with the tenants. Call the cops. Bring enforcements. Protect yourself.

Hope your ribs heal quickly. Gentle hugs.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24462 | Registered: Aug 2011
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Why are you going to give him money you will never see again?

Canteen is a privilege, not a right. He doesn't need it and you giving it to him is only feeding his control issues.

F.T.G.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6456 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, August 19th (Monday)

((CW))

you are one amazing lady.

i hope you and the vespa are OK.

a loooong time ago, i made a very similar post about Karma. it feels different for all of us.

do what feels right for you but get the renters out NOW while he's not around to help them stay. visit him/give him money only if it will be healing for you for some reason. i wouldn't give him a dime.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future. -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
curiouswiz
Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Thanks so much for the insight I needed. I'm in a lot of pain today. For some reason my ribs feel worse than the first day. It's only day 3 but I thought it would lessen by now. The Vespa needs tlc but will be okay if I'm ever able to afford to fix it.

I don't want to give him money but felt I should at least give him a little for canteen. I am my own worst enemy at times throwing compassion where it should be held back. I know he's crashing and I know it's a hard fall for him.

I will have police there with me when I go. I'm truly scared to death of all of this and just have to go face it down I guess. I think I'll give myself at least a few days to heal more before I do. The thought of shitlicker ransacking the house makes me naseous..who is in there with her. I want to run there and at the same time I'm too exhausted to do it right now.

Thanks for the truth I couldn't see kids. Thank you.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Skip the canteen... if he really needs something, that's OW's responsibility now. He has clearly fired you from that job.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13580 | Registered: Jul 2011
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Keep that money to fix your Vespa. He needs to realize he made this mess,and you aren't going to save him this time. Ignore his calls. You aren't his savior anymore. Be your own savior.

Heal up, and go get those idiots out of your house! That is your mission for this week.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5376 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, August 19th (Monday)

I agree with everyone saying don't put money on his books for him. He will not starve, and while the food that they get every day sucks, its not going to kill him either.

He is used to having you or someone else bail him out of hard situations, i think its about time that he cant have a way to get his twinkies and honey buns. Let him survive off of the shit food they feed him.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1694 | Registered: Sep 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 19th (Monday)

I am my own worst enemy at times throwing compassion where it should be held back.

(((((curious))))) Sweetie - feed you. Give all that compassion to yourself. That's where the focus needs to be.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24462 | Registered: Aug 2011
curiouswiz
Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 19th (Monday)

NIK!!! You've gone and done it again! I'm teary eyed!

I told you not to be nice to me!


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Putting money into his canteen isn't necessarily an act of love, and here is why.

Many buy things in the canteen in order to trade them for drugs, that other inmates have access to.

Don't do this. He is getting all he needs, you may just be enabling his habits.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 347 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
curiouswiz
Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, August 19th (Monday)

I didn't even think of that Alpha! sheeshh...here I was thinking he could make a phone call at least but who is going to call? big sighs here


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, August 19th (Monday)

I told you not to be nice to me!
Sorry! Let me try this again...

Knock it off, curious!


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24462 | Registered: Aug 2011
curiouswiz
Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, August 19th (Monday)

It hurts when I laugh NIK!!!! WTF?? LMAO .. thanks honey, I needed that smile. I'm hugging my ribs but I really needed that smile!


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Dang it! First I make you cry, and then I make you hurt.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24462 | Registered: Aug 2011
MyReturn2Me
Member
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Yeah cw I agree with the others. If you give him canteen money you're just allowing him to continue to be an ass.

Keep your canteen money and FTG!


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
curiouswiz
Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

After discussing this with you kids I went about my day and got errands run. At the post office a letter from Mr. was waiting for me. I put it aside while I finished up errands.

When I got home at the end of the day I sat down with a cocktail and read it.
Here it is:

Dear Wiz;

First I want to say I'm sorry for ruining our lives. I know I messed up. But life goes on.

I can't believe you wanted me locked up. It's hard being in here. I know you don't want to hear it.

Could you put some money into commissary/canteen so I can get personal hygene items and snacks, phone calls.

You can go to the kiosk in the lobby of the jail and use the credit or debit cards. Please do this for me!!

I'm closing now. I am tired.

Love, Mr.

I could not stop crying. I wasn't sobbing or whining but the tears just would not stop. I just could not stop the tears and I tried so hard too.

I hate crying! Especially the tears that just come without any control. Just pouring out of me. And my entire face is swollen today from it. It's so friggen sad. I never want him back in my life and I have so much to deal with and can't seem to get myself to do it. So, I feel so stupid having these sympathies for him.

Today I'm just going to hang around, putzing around the house. I'll sit in the beautiful garden and get some sun. I'll force myself into the pool. I'll be good to me today.

I haven't got any money to give him after errands yesterday. There will be a direct deposit tomorrow and I'm trying so hard to follow your advice but I'm struggling with it. I want to go give him enough to buy essentials but I don't know what that amount is. Should I ask? Should I ask atty.?

I've been reading here for a few hours today...gaining more insight every time I do. So 2x4's or suggestions are welcome.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

CuriousWiz, I don't understand something. I junky the OW? Isn't he her problem now?


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
curiouswiz
Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Stillstrong; If you saw how young and stupid she is and how old and sickly he is it would make you do a double take. She wants nothing but the comforts we've built together over the years. She wants to be me. She's tried to be me. heh.

Her sister told me and I've told him countless times that she will be gone when the money runs out or there are problems to solve. Well, I think he finally sees that she will not help him. Or he wants the money so he can call her to see if she will help. Either way he's never been "her problem" he's her free ride.

I know you're trying to let me know to let him rot. Let her help. She won't. I'm so exhausted....


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

CW, please do NOT give him money. Do NOT read his letters.

Now that he's locked up, he's going to try to pull your heart strings with very heartfelt letters of how he's wronged you and how sorry he is and NOW he sees where he went wrong.
As soon as he gets what he wants (or gets out), he'll be right back to the nasty asshat who treats you like a stray dog in the street.

NC NC NC NC NC!
He is not your problem any more.

((( Curious Wiz )))


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6112 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

curiouswiz, I'm sorry that his letter triggered you. What I noticed when I read it that it is about him. Sure he starts by apologizing and then there is the big "BUT ... lifes goes on" and then it's poor me, give me, me, me, me.

I know you are still struggling about the decision to give him money. I just want to remind you that you have a full plate to deal with right now other than worrying about his snack money.

If you give him money, what do you predict will happen next? How does giving him money help YOU to heal, rebuild and move forward? In the end, it is your decision and we will love and support you no matter what.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2129 | Registered: Oct 2012
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

He is an addict, friend. He's not using the money for comforts but for drugs.

He is not appealing to you because he's desperate but because you are a soft touch and he has run out of options.

He'll use your money to call junky whore.

The minute he has other options he will go back to being the monster you have been dealing with.

DO NOT ENABLE HIM FURTHER. It is not your fault that he is in jail. Geez - if I could put the sad clown in jail I bloody well would. The problem is *I* can't do that - I have to wait for him to fuck up royally.

This guy has fucked up royally. You're not being mean or uncaring or cruel.

IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

I would talk to your IC and examine what it is you get out of enabling him.

You're worried about him and you don't want him to hurt but you need to know you cannot save him from himself.

DO NOTHING. It is not your job - it never has been.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5464 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Jail is the consequence of his own doing. He trys to make you feel guilty so you will over compensate and give him what he wants.

He gets what he needs, in jail. He wants you to put $ into the canteen so he can trade for drugs. He's an addict still trying to manipulate you. You must learn to understand this so that you can develop healthy thinking.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 347 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

curiouswiz, how much money has he stolen from you? How often did you go to the ATM and find nothing there? You don't owe him one red cent. His needs are met by the system; he has meals provided. If someone wants to hear from him, let them put money in his canteen for a phone call. Do you really feel the need to fund his phone sex with OW?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13580 | Registered: Jul 2011
missmydogs
Member
Member # 36559
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

((Curious)) No. He gets nothing after all the foulness and filth he has put you through. He will get essentials in there. Let that pig bail him out. If she doesn't that is his problem. You did not do this. This is a result of his poor decisions.

Spend that money on you. Buy a book. Buy nail polish. Or put ketchup on the money and eat it. Doesn't matter, just do not give it to him.

(((Curious)))


Me 36
DS 16
DD 4

Divorced!

I've made a huge mistake - GOB


Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: missmydogs
his#1
Member
Member # 3432
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Curious, I don't usually ever post in D&S, but I saw yours and it touched me. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

I wanted to give you a little insight to jail. My son was there for a few months. The jail provides tehm with everything they NEED. The canteen will sell them things they WANT.

Also, if he truly WANTS it bad enough, the jail will gladly put him in a job making about .30 cents an hour (it's been a while since my son was in, so this may have changed, and also I am in Michigan, so your jails may pay differently) that they will put into his canteen for him to spend.

The bottom line is this, if he WANTS it bad enough, he will EARN it. Please don't give him money. He is there for a reason and honest to God, he will NOT learn a darn thing if you feed his WANTS with money. Make him earn it. Ignore his letters AND calls. It is hard. It is INCREDIBLY hard. But by doing so, you could be saving his life.

Tough love sucks. But it also works.

Best wishes


**The soul would have no rainbow
Had the eyes no tears.~J.Cheney
**Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

Posts: 1648 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Michigan
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Curiouswiz, you aren't strong enough yet to see how being codependent and "helping" WH, by putting $ in his canteen, isn't an act of love.

Putting $ in his canteen will only "help" him to harm himself. The only loving thing you can do is not do that.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 347 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
curiouswiz
Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Thank you. It has sunk in. It really sucks to be him and I know he's trying to hit me in the heart. He's probably still in shock that I had the nerve to put him in jail.

But I didn't. He did this. All his to own. I do know he will use the money for phone sex...thanks Amazonia! heh that one struck home! I know if I give him a dime it will go in the phone so he can beg her to visit. And I know he probably will get drugs in there.

I'm going to go make a ketchup sandwich with dollar bills as missmydogs suggests!! I'll fill it with ketchup, mayonaise, mustard and a bit of siracha to wash this whole shit sandwich down with! HA! Thanks for that one!

Seriously though, thank you so much. I knew if I asked you'd deliver...I know I'm not thinking straight because of all of the things I have to deal with and I needed your help.

Thank you.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

(((hugs))) The kindest thing that you can do is to let him reap what he has sown. The man you once knew, is dead. He is no more. Grieve your good memories of that man, and leave the shell that is left behind to free-fall to it''s own level. And heal up, get some cops to go with you, and reclaim that which is yours. (((more hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4588 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 31