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User Topic: Infamous poofer strikes again?? Squee alert
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Frustrated  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 19th (Monday)

SO.....Friday night...the Spanish doctor and I made concrete dinner plans for Tuesday at 7pm. He had me pick the restaurant and everything (in which I picked out a nice local cafe that I enjoy since he has never been to my city). He ended the conversation that night telling me that he would text me the next day and said "Sweet dreams pretty accent" because he says he likes my Southern Virginia accent....

So....he never texted me Saturday..... and he never texted me Sunday.....its now Monday and I'm pretty convinced that he is another POOFER! He made the time ever since we started talking last week....every day to text me a couple of times during the day to say hi or say something clever to make me smile and now crickets.

I do believe the Chapter in that book "He's just not that into you" where it says that if a guy is interested in you, he is NEVER too busy to contact you in some way. I know he was on call this past weekend.....but I still think he could have said something.

Part of me wants to text him and figure out if we are still on for tomorrow but my pride says to just go NC and move on because its not worth it.

I want a man who is thoughtful and who I don't have to question his intentions or where he stands. I hate games. I hate dating. I hate poofers.

This is bullshit. Just makes me want to throw in the dating towel for a while. It seems like every time I see any potential in a guy he poofs on me...

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:18 AM, August 19th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Wait, your date isn't even until tomorrow?

Shelly, I think you're over-investing. It's very, very normal to let communication lapse a bit before a first date. The goal of the initial communication is often simply to get to the date.

Let the date happen before you declare him gone.

This is why you have been encouraged to focus on "just" a phone call, "just" a date, etc.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13812 | Registered: Jul 2011
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, August 19th (Monday)

I think it is too soon to deem him a poofer.

I know some ppl ease up on texting right before a date (because they are going to see you soon).

I would definitely just a short text today to say "Just confirming we are still on for tomorrow?"

I would not write him off until he truly poofed on your Tuesday plans.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, August 19th (Monday)

I have family in the medical field, and there are times that I don't hear from them for days.

Give the guy a break. He made plans for Tuesday, so expect him to be there.

You haven't even met him yet, and you expect him to text every day. I think that's expecting a lot.

I predict that you'll hear from him this evening or tomorrow to confirm.

When you meet him, ask him to prescribe you a chill pill!!!


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7781 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
kwash
Member
Member # 13957
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, August 19th (Monday)

He may not be a poofer - but at the very least he is being rude - telling you he will be in contact and then not doing so. I would contact him confirming you are still on for tomorrow since you haven't heard form him. If you are still on and the evening goes well I'd be willing to let this slide, but if he keeps syaing he'll contact you and doesn't I say it's fair to raise it as an issue early on.

Posts: 2194 | Registered: Mar 2007
c6284x
New Member
Member # 39545
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, August 19th (Monday)

While he may still show up for the date, I doubt you will ever be compatible with him. Some people just don't get it when it comes to common courtesy.

I absolutely hate when my texts don't get returned the same day, when I know you are on your phone 24/7. It would have taken you 30 seconds to return it but it wasn't important to you.

He may be a serial dater and you are not on the schedule until Tuesday.

Sorry to be so negative but I have no room in my life for rude people.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Well....I agree. I probably do need a chill pill prescribed!
He texted me about an hour after I posted this. He said he was busier this weekend than expected since he was on call...

I do need to chill out.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Your worries and "what if's" are something I've been working on too, Shell. What is helping me right now is something my therapist friend said to me. Believe that nothing has changed in someone's opinion or feelings about me unless they confirm that things have changed. When someone says "I'm looking forward to meeting you" or "I'm interested" or whatever and then doesn't text me or contact me, I work at assuming that what they said is still true and that nothing has changed just because I haven't heard from them. My mind still goes "maybe this" and "maybe that" but when it does I pull it back to nothing has changed unless I hear that it has changed.

I've had poofers too...that will happen with this dating stuff...but I think they are rare--chicken shits, but rare...

Breathe Sweetie, just breathe!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Okay....so I went from thinking he had poofed on me to having another great phone conversation with him tonight!

It seems like we can talk and talk and talk and never run out of things to talk about. (I love listening to him talk too.....loving the accent! )

I'm getting nervous about the date now....I still don't really know what I want to wear.... but I ended up running 10 miles at the gym tonight on the treadmill to ease some jitters (and because I missed my marathon training long-run yesterday and needed to make it up....but that's besides the point....)

I'm excited and nervous! We seem to really get along well... and I'm hoping for a fun evening! 1st impressions are always so nerve wrecking....but I feel like I've known him forever already.... so here goes nothing!!!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:11 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I'm so nervous and excited about my date tonight! I feel like a giddy schoolgirl who has never been on a date before! This will be only my 3rd "official" date in a year and a half......

Just hoping to have a good time!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
clralb
Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Keep us updated, Shelly! I'm excited to hear how it goes.


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Content  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Okay....I am going to say this really loud from my proverbial rooftop.... SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

I had my 1st date last night with the Spanish Doctor... and OMGosh..... it went so much better than expected...dare I say perfect?

He picked me up around 7:20....and when he walked up.....OMGosh....GORGEOUS...I mean....seriously...his pictures did not do him justice AT ALL.... and I don't know if I found him so attractive because we had so many great phone conversations beforehand and had already connected on a personal level that way..... or if it was truly the fact that he was this very well-put-together Spanish Adonis with dark wavy hair and piercing big brown eyes.... ::shiver::

We decided on this local Cajun restaurant that I haven't even been to (that my bestie recommended) and I got the shrimp and grits and he to the salmon and picked us out a nice bottle of red argentine wine to share.... we talked for a couple of hours....to the point where he didn't even notice the waitress when she dropped of the check because we were so lost in conversation and laughing.....

He paid....but he also did other sweet things....opening the doors (car and restaurant) for me...and pulling out my chair at dinner....things I heard tales about and thought were lost with men in the dinosaur era

Since he has never been to my town before, I took him up our local mountain to our big man-made star and overlook (which was crowded) but GORGEOUS night to see the view! He was highly impressed! We talked and walked a bit..... and I knocked a spider off of his shoulder and he thanked me for saving his life (in that sexy accent of his.... OMGosh.... )

He drove me home around 11:15 and we drove through downtown and I pointed out all of the other neat places we have to eat and places of interest and he said...Okay...we will go there next time....(speaking of a little Italian place I mentioned...) and I said..."Oh...we don't have to do that...that place is pretty fancy!" And, he said...."You don't like it there?" And, I said...."No, I do...but" And, he said..."Okay....then let's go there!"

When he dropped me off he reiterated that he had a great time and wanted to see me again.....I (Of course) agreed..... and he walked me to my door....and we hugged goodbye. No kiss. Sorry ladies.... I was hoping... but I'm also hoping that he might be taking things slow because he is more serious and wants to see where things could lead....

He says he hasn't been on a date in 8 LONG months... he has been too busy with work and when he was in Texas worked like 170 hours in 2 weeks.... YIPES.... I'm hoping that God purposely kept him busy so he could come to Virginia and meet the Southern redheaded belle of his dreams.... (namely me...)

I will admit.... I am swooning a bit.... and I understand the whole feeling "lighter" or up on cloud 9 feeling......

BUT....I digress. I'm trying to stay grounded. I haven't texted him...I'm trying to let him make the next move and not seem too excited. The whole "let him pursue me" bit..... even though I really want to text him and tell him I had a great time....but I DID tell him last night I did and thanked him for dinner!

I'm not used to this kind of treatment....and its extremely humbling... I love that he wants to wine and dine me but I honestly think we could have fun doing whatever!

If nothing else....I can say I had the BEST 1st date experience ever....even without a kiss.... and I really hope that I get to see him again!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:54 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

What a nice update. Sounds like you had a fun evening!

I see nothing wrong with sending him a 'thank you' text (even if you did already text him). That to me doesn't sound needy at all - just so it is casual and sincere (ie thank you again for dinner - I had a wonderful time).

Good thing about texting is....they can't hear quivers or swoons in your voice.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Aww, yay for good first dates!

Staying grounded will be important - this thread is swinging from one end of the pendulum to the other, and you want that nice sweet spot in the middle.

After a good date, I would usually send a short, succinct, "I had a nice time last night" text the next day around lunch just to let the guy know I wasn't just being polite. No questions, no conversation, just short and to the point. Your call if you feel it's appropriate or not.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13812 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Well that's TWO lovely intelligent SI ladies telling me I should send a thank you text......and I think that's all the reassurance I need!

I will take that sweet spot in the middle.... that would be good!

Good thing about texting is....they can't hear quivers or swoons in your voice.


GOOD Thing!!!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Okay....so I sent the text just saying, "I just wanted to thank you again for dinner last night. I had a wonderful time and it was nice to finally meet you!" :-)

NOW....I have been reading conflicting things on whether or not guys like it if you text them after a date. Some articles say not to because the guy wants to "chase you" and if you text them they don't feel like they are pursuing you anymore.... and lose interest. Other guys say they like a woman to be thoughtful and send a follow-up text.....

OKAY GUYS....ADVICE!!! WHAT DO YOU LIKE!? POLL!!!!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
lostmommy
Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I always text after if I've had a good time. If I haven't... well...


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

OKAY GUYS....ADVICE!!! WHAT DO YOU LIKE!? POLL!!!!

I think the ''Thank you'' text is a good idea. I know I would appreciate it.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Okay...so I have been googling articles about etiquette after the 1st date and how its "supposed" to work if a guy likes you and will ask for that all too important 2nd date.... he did text me back yesterday and said he had a great time too and made a joke about how I was right about his puppy being confused when he got home (because he is normally home in the evenings and not out...)

BUT.... that was the last time I heard from him..... so its been over 24 hours now. Before our date, he pretty much texted me every single day several times throughout the day...except over the weekend cause he was on-call...

I'm having a paranoid....slightly insecure moment....where I'm questioning everything about the date and wondering if I will hear back from him. BUT...I know I will not text him back until he contacts me 1st..... I don't want to come across as desperate... I just really had a good time and hope to see him again....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Did you respond to his last text? Was there anything to respond to, or was it just short?

Dating is complicated There is a fine line between letting someone lead and letting them feel ignored.

ETA: On the other hand, it doesn't sound like he is much of a texter; he didn't text you once the first date was set up, so I wouldn't give up on him for a few days. It's too late to plan for this weekend, and too early to plan for next weekend. Hopefully he'll call or text to set something up around Sunday or Monday.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 3:24 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13812 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

You are right Amazonia....

I haven't given up on him yet...I think I'm just paranoid.

He mentioned a 2nd date WHILE we were on the 1st date...so I try to look at that as a good sign?

I'm just gonna try to keep playing it cool.

His text said he had a great time too and he liked the overlook I took him to. I responded by saying I'm glad he liked the overlook making a comment about what a great night it was for going up there and that I hoped his puppy didn't mind me stealing him away for an evening....

That was the last text.

::keeping my fingers crossed....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:39 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Concerned  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

Okay.....so still no contact from Spanish doctor guy....

I thought about sending a witty one-liner text message to see if that gets his attention or do you think that would make me look sad and desperate? My sister says if I like him, I should just text him.... but I don't want to seem pushy or pathetic...

Thoughts?

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:09 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

SO...my best friend thinks I should just send him a text and put it all out on the table and ask him outright if he is interested in me and if not....if I should move on?

Why does the thought of this make me sick to my stomach??


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

DON'T do that.

You've already learned his schedule is insane at times. There's a million reasons why he hasn't responded.

Wait it out, Shelly.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21076 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

Okay.... I will wait it out. I'm just frustrated. He's been on the dating site every single day several times a day since our date...so I know he has time to text me or contact me if he wanted to... so it just makes me weary.

I need to stop being so anxious all the time... I should be bald by now!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

just send him a text and put it all out on the table and ask him outright if he is interested in me and if not.

WOAH! If I got a message like that after ONE date with someone, I'd run for the hills.

Shelly, where'd that chill pill go?? Girl, step away from the phone, stop looking at his profile on the online dating site to check when he was online last, and just breathe!

You are better than waiting for the phone to ring (or beep, or whatever sound is set up for your text alert). This is the part where you gotta remember that dating is an accessory, not an outfit. Go do something else that you enjoy, and STOP thinking about him.

Note: Stop thinking about him =/= give up on him (keyboards really need a "not equal to" button). It just means stop obsessing, and live your life instead of making a guy you have met ONCE into your life.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13812 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

I know.....and I totally agree about what my best friend said! I said the EXACT same thing to her that it would make me run for the hills if I got a text message like that and I am just not a direct person anyways!

I know the right thing for me to do is be patient and hope for the best and if he isn't interested, move on. I think right now I'm just feeling a tad discouraged. It seems like every time I actually start to like a guy and see potential....that he doesn't feel the same way. It makes me question everything about myself. It makes me pick myself apart.... and I hate feeling that way.

I hate that "I'm not good enough" feeling. I just want someone to reciprocate interest in me for once. Its very disheartening to see my XWH and sperm donor having the time of their lives and being happy in all of these relationships and I can't seem to meet even one person.

I wish that I could learn to be more guarded and not wear my heart on my sleeve the way I do. I tend to jump BOTH feet in and all that does is cause me to practically drown myself....

I'm gonna have to figure out a more "dipping the toe" in approach and maybe force the walls to go up I suppose. Its just not a natural feeling for me. Even after all I have been through.

What really annoys me is that I was fine by myself....and content with my life... but once I got a taste of what it was like to spend time with an interesting and charming member of the opposite sex, I got drunk on missing that companionship. Missing having someone to share my life with. Grrrr...... I just need to take 10 steps back please....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

I think right now I'm just feeling a tad discouraged. It seems like every time I actually start to like a guy and see potential....that he doesn't feel the same way.

And you too will feel this way at times.

This isn't about you not being good enough or smart enough or pretty enough.

You're writing a story here without any truth.

Now knock it off!


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21076 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

I know.... I think I'm going to mentally write him off for now. If he contacts me in the next few days.....it will be a nice surprise....but for now, so I don't drive myself insane looking at my phone and hoping like some pathetic teenage girl, I need to make some mental closure and assume "He's just not that into me if he isn't calling me"...

And, that's okay. I want someone who enjoys my company as much as I enjoy theirs....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

Shelly,

Couple things to keep in mind:

1) if you want to date a dr or medical person - you should realize that the periods of contact/no contact might be "par for the course." I don't know what kind of dr he is... but my SO works in an ER and this was exactly what he was like in the beginning stages of our courtship. I honestly believed for a long time that he was "not that into me" and in reality he could not text or call sometimes for long periods because he didn't even keep his phone on him or was working super long shifts or took 3 day rotations or some crazy schedule. You just don't know. Sometimes in hospitals - the phones don't work way down in the lower floors too.

2) Some dating sites will show someone as "online now" or "online in the last 24 hrs" even if they just open up an email/wink/whatever that they got from someone on that site. If he shows up as "online" that DOESN'T mean he is actively going online and searching for new dates. He might be getting emails and opening them up which would trigger him as being "active" and honestly, so what? He isn't exclusive to you so I would expect him to be checking out his emails and messages. You should be too.

3) Remember that the culture of many European men is different than US born men. I personally feel they are more....relaxed, fewer rules, chilled out, not going to be held to an "I will call you" kind of thing, but that is just my personal opinion/experience.

You had a great time. Relax.

He will either call or he won't but you should definitely NOT contact him again. He knows how to reach you, he hasn't forgotten how.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

I hate that "I'm not good enough" feeling. I just want someone to reciprocate interest in me for once. Its very disheartening to see my XWH and sperm donor having the time of their lives and being happy in all of these relationships and I can't seem to meet even one person.
Shelly - There's work to be done here. Comparing yourself and your life to damaged people in your rear-view mirror? Feelings of worth derived from someone you've just met?

You are a smart person and you know better than this, so why are you going "there?"


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25843 | Registered: Aug 2011
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

He will either call or he won't but you should definitely NOT contact him again. He knows how to reach you, he hasn't forgotten how.

I definitely will NOT contact him. In fact, I deleted our text message string so I'm not even tempted to now.

You are a smart person and you know better than this, so why are you going "there?"

I think this has just triggered me somehow. I'm a very emotional person by nature and I don't shield my heart the way I should.... and it makes me very vulnerable when I open up. I'm still working on myself in IC.... and even though my therapist says that me being a very sensitive person is not a bad thing.....I kinda beg to differ sometimes.....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

Being sensitive/emotive and letting your self worth falter because a guy doesn't call are two really different things. I think the first is a strength, but the second is something you want to continue to root out and work on.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13812 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

My bestie and her H told me, "cmego...you are a great catch...but you suck at dating." Which is the truth. I don't get the cues, I guard myself, I expect guys to be jerks, I write men off without giving them a chance. IRL, I am caring, sweet, intelligent and funny. I was a great wife, I am a great girlfriend, because I understand the boundaries. I knew/know what my role is and what to do. In dating...there are no rules and I need...rules. Therefore, I suck.

I spend so much time protecting myself, I don't let guys have a chance. I have cut several guys off at the knees at the first sign of something "off". "No man is going to hurt me again!".

I needed to swing back and stay in touch with my reasonable side and simply let things happen. Back in touch with the cmego that was pre-marriage.

I especially learned on OLD to really temper myself and my expectations of the process. I trained myself to expect the guy to not be interested, therefore not getting hurt if it turned out I didn't like them, or they didn't like me. In reality, there was only one that I would have dated again that didn't reciprocate. The others *I* didn't like.

So, it is a matter of examining why you are triggering, examining your own response to a situation you have no control over. Move on with your life, if he is "the one" it will happen. You cannot MAKE him like you. Either he does, or he doesn't.

As soon as I started talking/dating someone on OLD...I removed their profile. That way I didn't see if they were "on" that day. Just one of my tricks to keep me from worrying about a situation that is out of my control.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

That makes sense. I think that he is the 1st one that I can "genuinely" say that I would have liked to have kept dating. Triathlon dad, I would have probably gone on a couple of more dates with to test the waters....but I didn't have the connection with him like I did with the Spanish doctor... I did really like him and thought it was reciprocated.

I just need to get better at taking this one date at a time. Its just hard I guess. I think that I will be much more guarded on my next date with the next guy.....and I hate that. I'm going to be a little gun shy.....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

In dating...there are no rules and I need...rules. Therefore, I suck.

ME TOO.....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

first of all - quit seeing potential. focus on what 'is' falling for potential in a guy or potential in a potential relationship is a slippery slope right into the sea of misery.

secondly spanish doctor's actions are speaking louder than his words. he's made time to check the dating site. he hasn't made time to contact you. listen to his actions


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8462 | Registered: Apr 2008
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

he's made time to check the dating site. he hasn't made time to contact you. listen to his actions

I know.... that's what my gut is telling me. I definitely wasn't born yesterday and I can tell that he's "just not that into me"

It is what it is.....and there is nothing I can do about it.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
lostmommy
Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Shelly, believe me, I've been there. In fact, I see a LOT of myself in you. I think you need to work yourself up to a certain level of detachment when it comes to dating. I'm also the type to jump in with both feet first, but this time I'm proceeding with caution and it's working out for me so far.


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Gosh....I feel so stupid right now lostmommy....I read what you wrote and teared up in my cubicle.....why am I crying? Why did I let this ONE STUPID GUY get to me!!??? But, I did.... I put myself out there and it didn't pan out...

I think we are always our worst critic... I keep asking myself... was I not pretty enough? Skinny enough? Funny enough? Was my house not clean enough when he picked me up and got a glimpse of it from the door? Was the distance too far? Was me being a single mom a problem? blah blah blah.....

I do need to take a more guarded approach.... I just have to figure out how to detach better....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
lostmommy
Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

(((Shelly))) Don't cry! Breathe! You are a strong woman with a great personality, a loving mother, and a giving heart. If I remember correctly from your wedding dress color run pics, you're quite the package physically too! There isn't one part of you that isn't "enough".

I have had MANY poofers. I was talking to one guy for 5 months and one day he just poofed. He texted me a few weeks ago for no apparent reason and I basically gave him the cold shoulder. There's no explanation why poofers poof, but know this: IT IS NOT YOU.

We talk a lot about doing the 180 for ourselves when we're coping with a wayward. I think the 180 can be applicable in many other facets of life as well. Maybe you need to adapt it to conform to your dating needs. I'm not saying to act as if you're disinterested. But I think a healthy level of detachment is perfectly acceptable when it comes to dating because you don't want to go "all in" too soon. I'm guilty of this myself, so these words aren't just for you, LOL.

Hang in there, honey.


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Thank you lostmommy...

I actually read an article today that says that rejection can also be a positive thing because it means that you are dating a higher caliber of men (or women) and you are putting yourself out there and taking risks and knowing your worth.

I know this is true for me because I'm seeking out highly educated men who have more of the total package instead of just going for appearance which in the past "athletic and cute" was my M.O. My therapist says I should try dating guys around my education level or higher (I have a masters)

The article said that rejection is to be expected when you do this because you are in a smaller more elite pool.... and to not get discouraged because if you were NEVER getting rejected, it would mean that you may have your standards too low and may not be dating the kind of men that you should be.

Both of the men that have poofed on me that I have kinda liked had PHDs... well educated.....busy.... and probably dating multiple women. I need to take all of that into consideration.

I'm just proud of myself for NOT contacting him again. I wanted to SO badly... but I'm not desperate. Just gullible I suppose....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:50 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I appreciate that you''re looking at things like education and employment as proxy measures for a person''s values of morality and work ethic and commitment. That is certainly ok to do, after all those things do tend to correlate. Sometimes.

But ... I have a Ph.D. And do you know what Ph.D. stands for? Piled high and deep

Seriously, I hope that was good for a least a little giggle from you to help you feel a bit better.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3126 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

But ... I have a Ph.D. And do you know what Ph.D. stands for? Piled high and deep

Thanks Cayc! I needed that!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
I.will.survive
Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Gently....

Do you think you could have come across as needy or ready for a marriage proposal so to speak?

I'm sorry your heart is hurting over this man. I'm sure you fantasized greatly about a relationship with him. Do you think it's possible he read a vibe from you that said desperate or too eager or something along those lines?

I question that since you're really driving yourself crazy with self doubt after one date. You picked a busy man who doesn't live close to you and is from another culture. So many variables! It's hard to know what's really going on, but I just want you to think about how you are being perceived.

Not are you pretty enough, smart enough, clean enough, etc. because I'm sure you ARE all those things!

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 7:38 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I honestly don't think I came across as needy to him at all! We had great conversations.....we never talked about marriage or anything of those sorts. We stayed on normal topics about our families, hobbies, and interests. We laughed and had what seemed like a nice date!

I "thought" we both had a great time! I know better than to talk about wanting marriage or anything like that (and to be honest...I'm not in a huge rush for that anyways!)

I don't know what happened... but I've already decided to write him off. If he contacts me, I will re-evaluate how I feel at that time....depending on how much time he lets pass by that is


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

DOUBLE POST

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:36 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Are you multi-dating? Why are you so focused on this one guy?

Monday - you haven't heard from him since Friday so you assume he's going to poof. Then, you guys talk on the phone and all is well.
Tuesday - date goes wonderfully. He mentions that he wants to see you again.
Wednesday - you text him thanks and have small chit chat.
Friday - you've written him off as a poofer.

It's been one date. Why do you expect to have texts from him every day? He's got a career and a life. He's got other things going on. And so do you. You have your job and your daughter. Again, why are you so focused on him??

I forced myself to multi-date and exchange messages with multiple people at once to ensure I don't get too attached to one person. I posted on here about it after an awesome first date. I had high expectations and I wanted to jump into the relationship status very quickly...even though he told me that he wanted to go slow. He ended things shortly after. Looking back I can see my mistakes and I shouldn't have been so focused on him. It's cool though cuz we're still friends and probably better friends than we would have been if we made it to a couple.

Anyways, return the focus back to yourself and your life. If he likes you, he'll be in touch and things will go from there.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4212 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

What little turtle said!


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5872 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

I didn't want to say this the other day-but this is EXACTLY why I deleted my profile from OLD. Every guy-no matter how hot and heavy he was, no matter how great the first date, no matter how interested he said he was/acted-poofed. Didn't matter what i did/didn't say/do.

Quite a few came sniffing around later and I ignored them. You can see how they're on the site but "busy" when you text. But up to that point the contact was steady. I think they're all trying to multi-date. I've told some I have no interest in being part of a harem. Despite what they say in their profile I think a lot are looking to screw around

The whole thing seemed artificial.


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1757 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
osxgirl
Member
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

Ok - this is not to say that any of you shouldn't trust your gut on these things, but...

The indicator on OLD sites of when a member has been on the site or not really can't be trusted. All it tells is the last time a browser with the user's credentials "touched" the site.

So, a very likely way that someone could appear to be cruising an OLD site when he hasn't been is this: say he has multiple tabs open in the browser on his phone. One of those is a tab for the OLD site. To save time, since this is his personal device, he has let the browser save his login information and do auto-login.

So, sometime after that last tab was opened (could be hours, days, or even weeks), he uses the browser on his phone to do something else. In the background, that browser may refresh all the tabs, not just the one he has open. Or, if that was the tab he was using last in the browser, it comes up in that tab and automatically refreshes the page, even though all he does is open a different tab, or maybe even re-use the tab where the OLD site was.

Any of that will show as him having been active on the site. And there are a LOT more scenarios that can cause the same thing to happen.

I know when dealing with a wayward, a lot of times one will use the "last on" info at an OLD site to see if the WS has been trolling again. For a WS, that's legit, because it doesn't matter exactly when it happened - a WS should never be on an OLD at all, so the fact that he had a browser open and logged into an OLD at some point is good enough to know that he's been doing something he shouldn't.

For those actually dating, though, the only thing the "last active" tells you is that the person had a window open and logged into the site somewhere at that time - not if the person was actually doing ANYTHING on the site. Just that a browser with his credentials refreshed the site page.

All I'm saying is that the "last on" indicator on an OLD site is not a reliable piece of information.

shelly - I think the best advice you've gotten on here is to 1. not be so invested so quickly, and 2. date around a little. There will be plenty of time to go exclusive if that's the way a relationship starts going. But it needs to get to the stage of being a relationship first.

And one last thing - given what you've said about him and his schedule, I'm not necessarily convinced the guy IS a poofer yet. But that may not matter. What you need to think about is if this kind of thing is a deal-breaker for you or not. If he's going to be that busy with getting his career started, he may just not be at a place to start the kind of relationship you're looking for. Sucks, but it is what it is.

Relax. Have fun. Don't get too serious too quickly. Believe me - if the right one comes along, you won't have to question his intentions or wonder if he's worth continuing with or whatever.

[This message edited by osxgirl at 8:15 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2409 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

Well....I still haven't heard from him as of this morning. He didn't seem to have any trouble texting me every day during the week last week and all day Monday and Tuesday before our date... but then only one text after our date (in response to my text) and then silence....

My gut is telling me he is doing the famous disappearing act.

In hindsight....maybe I had a few small red flags that could have told me maybe the date wasn't going as well as I thought it was. I know after dinner when I went to the bathroom....I had to wait for a girl to come out and I looked back and he was texting on his phone.... (I didn't think much of it at the time....but it could have been something?) Then after he parked at my house, he asked me if I wanted him to walk me to my door. This is a small thing....but I would think if a guy really likes you, he wouldn't ask....he just would. But...again....I'm over-analyzing.....

Little Turtle is right on! I wasn't multi-dating! I hadn't really talked to any other guys at the time of contact with him that I was really interested in except a few that lived WAY out of town that wouldn't be able to come in for a date anytime soon even if they were interested....and they had kinda fell off the radar I think due to the distance thing.... but I HAVE started talking to 2 new guys as of last night...on emails. I don't know where it will go...and at this point I'm just taking it very non-chalant and I'm going to attempt the multi-dating thing so I don't get too invested too soon. Whoever on here said that you have to have thick skin for OLD was right.....its a harsh and cold environment.... and you have to expect more frostbite than warmth....

I'm definitely not acclimated to this yet.... and I haven't decided yet if I will renew my subscription mid-September or not.... only time will tell.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

you've got to REALLY change your mid-set. As women we tend to do this (yes - broad generalization) 1. great pre-date chatter - enthusiasm grows 2) fun first date...whoa! he may be the one! 3) start thinking about a future with this great guy.

instead try thinking 'hey, this has been fun. I think I could spend a couple more hours with this guy...second date would be alright. take your focus off finding a potential partner. Put your energy into spending time with someone who is good company. Fun to talk with? great.. think about a first date, nothing more. Great first date? OK - maybe a second date and if that's good decide if he's worth a 3rd date. Think date to date in the beginning... not first date to relationship. Don't even bother with that thought early on. All you're trying to do is see if the guy is worth a second date. It keeps the mental and emotional investment level waaaaaaay down.

I went out on lots of first dates that went well and were lots of fun that never led to second dates. When I quit thinking of dates as potential LTR partners, it took a lot of pressure of date nights and dating in general


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8462 | Registered: Apr 2008
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

You are having a vey normal emotional response to getting back into the dating scene! This isn't about him at all, it's about you, he is just the tangible element to what you are experiencing.

You aren't being clingy or necessarily attaching to this guy, you are probably dealing with your damaged self esteems response to a perceived "rejection." No contact after the first date can often be the hardest for women as its where you present all of yourself, looks, personality, mannerisms and mind therefore it's normal to start to doubt yourself in one or all of these areas. Don't! Who knows why people don't click, I've dated guys that are perfect, except it just wasn't there for me.


Posts: 516 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

but I would think if a guy really likes you, he wouldn''t ask....he just would.

I can honestly say that isn''t always the case. I would ask just to be respectful.

As far as how much he texted the week leading up to the date versus afterwards my first thought was if this guy has any friends then they may have told him he was texting too much.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

You are having a vey normal emotional response to getting back into the dating scene! This isn't about him at all, it's about you, he is just the tangible element to what you are experiencing.
You aren't being clingy or necessarily attaching to this guy, you are probably dealing with your damaged self esteems response to a perceived "rejection."

Thank you nolight... I think you are exactly right. I was actually quite aloof at first. He wanted to talk on the phone immediately and I was busy the night he asked me and asked if we could wait until the next day (of which he was fine) and sometimes he would be quite chatty and I would be short when I was at work. I was very nonchalant before we met (and I thought after....as I only texted him once after the date to thank him for the nice time)

But.... it is hard to be rejected. And, this is the 2nd time after a 1st date. I did question everything about myself that would cause a guy to not be interested in me. Its hard not to be critical of yourself in this situation. I obviously isn't want he was looking for.... and I Just have to accept that. But, it still doesn't feel very good.

I can honestly say that isn''t always the case. I would ask just to be respectful.
As far as how much he texted the week leading up to the date versus afterwards my first thought was if this guy has any friends then they may have told him he was texting too much

Brandon, you seem sweet! Maybe the next guy will think like you! And, you may be right about the walking to my door part. He was probably just being respectful. But, I'm pretty sure he is blowing me off as far as contacting me. Still crickets.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, August 26th (Monday)

I have been seriously thinking about taking my online dating profiles down. There are 2 guys that have been emailing me on there but I'm just not feeling it... and I think after this last poofer that maybe I need a break...

Does taking a break help you regroup?


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, August 26th (Monday)

In my opinion, one date followed by no contact is a good thing. One person didn't feel it; No Harm, No Foul.

If Dr. Gonzalo didn't like you Shelly, wouldn't it have been worse if he enticed you to sleep with him a few times before moving on down the road?

There are 2 guys that have been emailing me on there but I'm just not feeling it... and I think after this last poofer that maybe I need a break...
You haven't met them. How much do you expect to "feel it."

Gently, talk to your IC about dating EXPECTATIONS. Yours seem to swing wildly based on very little.

I feel like I've known him forever already....

I'm hoping that God purposely kept him busy so he could come to Virginia and meet the Southern redheaded belle of his dreams.... (namely me...)


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Shelly, dear, while you may not do this in your dates, to us here on this board, you are projecting desperation. Yep, desperation. I know it. I was there. When I got my self-confidence all polished up and recovered my don't-give-a-shit attitude, suddenly men were falling at my feet. When you are in the nervous-no confidence stage, you may not think you are projecting desperation. But if you are putting your eggs in this one basket and feeling such angst over a few days of no-contact, boy, yes you are, lovie. Chill out. Go with girlfriends to watch a great movie. Take in an exhibition at the art gallery. Sing karaoke. Until we get a life, we have nothing to share with someone else. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. He should be the icing on your cake--not the entire three layers.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 1:19 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7305 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I do things with my friends and see movies and hang out but for the most part my spare time involves my running since I don't have a ton of spare time being a single mom (with childcare and having a 13 month old).

I'm over the fact that this guy has poofed on me. It is what it is. Its officially been over a week and my hunch was right. He poofed. No one is so busy that they can't send you one text message in over 8 days. But, I'm okay with that. I never contacted him again and even though it may seem like I'm desperate, I can assure you that I am not. If I were, I would have tried to initiate contact with him again or would still be holding out hope that he might still contact me. I am not. I really think its his loss. I know I'm a good woman and have a lot to offer. We just weren't a match in his eyes and that is okay.

The right one will come along when the time is right and I've waited this long, so waiting longer won't make much of a difference to me!

Someone else on this thread hit the nail on the head. That 1st few times that you get hit with rejection in your NB no matter how long you have worked on yourself and have healed, still hurts and hits you kinda hard. It can be a shock to the system. But, I think its a right of passage and a learning experience. I'm going to take from it what I believe it was. It was proof that I have not lowered my standards and that I know that I'm worth finding a good man. If I never got rejected, I might be dating around the same level as my daughter's sperm donor. And, I certainly don't need a repeat of him! Rejection is a part of life and I learned from this experience that it is "okay" and that I will be okay! I'm going to be going into future dates a little smarter and a little more emotionally prepared and try to just enjoy them "one at a time!"

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:32 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Good to feel a bit more empowered, huh?

I think I didn't explain myself very well. I just meant that we hope that the next one is the right one, but it is only when we stop expecting/hoping that the next one to be/is the right one that the right one comes along. There! Have I succeeded in making my explanation murkier? LOL


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7305 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

I agree....and my life just seems to be all crazy right now that I even wonder if I should even be trying to date to be honest!

I'm seriously considering taking a hiatus for a little while....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Rejection is a part of life and I learned from this experience that it is "okay" and that I will be okay! I'm going to be going into future dates a little smarter and a little more emotionally prepared and try to just enjoy them "one at a time!"

It sounds like you are reflecting and learning. It is great to know you can handle rejection. In a weird way it is a 'gift' even tho it feels bad. It's just that it is so liberating to know that rejection is not only survivable but that you are thriving and experiencing a rich life WITHOUT male affirmation.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5872 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

That's very true InnerLight....

I'm actually even contemplating taking a break from online dating for a while. I don't need a man to have a good life.... my daughter keeps me plenty busy plus I am marathon training right now! I run my 3rd marathon at the end of October!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

just found this and thought perfect!

[This message edited by Take2 at 9:08 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4157 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 65