Thursday Night: My in-laws call and ask me to come over. They watch the baby while I'm at work. On my way over there I had a feeling it was going to be some kind of intervention. I made mention of moving back home with my family to STBXH last week and he and his family are sweating it out.
STBXH is there and I can tell by his body language he is not happy I'm there and on the defensive. We all eat dinner together and although it is incredibly awkward, I keep focusing on the baby. I tell myself that I'm there for my in-laws and not STBXH.
My MIL asks me what our plans are. I tell her that STBXH doesn't seem to want to make things work so I have to make decisions that are right for me and DS. She asks if that includes me moving out of town. I tell her that I don't know right now but that is certainly a possibility. She cried and said she loved me and the baby and we are her family. They can't imagine a future where they only see DS once a month and holidays. I stay composed and tell her not to cry and that I love her very much and DS will always be a part of her life.
My FIL says that if STBXH and I could just have dinner twice a week and start remembering how much we love each other than we can work this out. I remind him that it's been almost 6 months since DDay and that STBXH doesn't want to make this work or he would have already. I tell him that I've asked STBXH to stay for dinner on occasion, go for walks with the baby, etc. FIL says that STBXH is hurting and not representing how he really feels. They tell me that he does want to come home, but that he can't handle my anger and resentment. I tell them that I've initiated MC, I'm seeing an IC, and I've made many attempts to fix this marriage but that STBXH isn't interested. MIL wants to know why we can't just put the past in the past.
I play along and say (knowing full well what is about to happen, but just showing my in-laws what I'm working with)..."ok, come home with us now. We will work on our relationship and our marriage the best way we can, but the door is open and has been open for you to come home and Reconcile." I say that we won't talk about the A and our marriage problems unless we are in front of a MC or a third party, but that he can come home and we can start to work on it. (I would need way more than this but I know he is going to say no so I do it anyway)
STBXH says, "no, it doesn't work that way. We are just going to fight and end up killing each other."
I look at my in-laws and say, "so there you have it." My FIL looks at STBXH and says, "she's telling you to come home....go man, go home to your family, show her that this is what you want."
He says no again. I tell them that the only other option for us is to walk away from the marriage because I cannot continue to live like this. My MIL says, "but you don't want to get divorced. What will divorce do for you, what about the baby?" I reply, "it will give me back my self esteem, my dignity, and control over my life."
STBXH chimes in and says, "but I don't want a divorce." I reply, "well I didn't want a lot of things that happened to happen." We start to argue in front of his parents. He says he hasn't seen or talked to the OW for months. He tries to say that his A and our marriage are "two separate issues" which is the bullshit he spewed to me upon discovery on DDay. He might as well have his tombstoned engraved with the phrase "two seperate issues" on it because that seems to be his motto.
I tell him that it doesn't really matter what he thinks anymore about any of it. I'm not happy. I tell everyone in the room that I believe everything he has said after DDay and our exchange last Monday was the last straw. He says that he was angry on Monday and that his true feelings were represented the following day when he apologized and told me he wished he could undo everything he has done.
I tell him that I don't trust him and he hasn't done anything to regain my trust and also, that we've never been more further apart from each other than we are now. We are not in each other's lives. He just brings the baby home to me every night and that's it. Like a taxi service. He gets very upset by the taxi comment and says, "I'm his father, not a taxi driver." I say, "you are right, but I guess I have another definition of what a father is than you do, but that is your business."
He leaves shortly after. I stay for a while with my in-laws. They beg me to give it some more time. I tell them it's been almost 6 months and I can't reconcile in my mind the amount of effort he put into his A with the little effort he has put into reconciling, taking care of his son, and treating me the way I deserve to be treated. I tell them he has emotionally abandoned us and my FIL agrees and says I don't blame you for feeling the way you feel, you've been stabbed in the back.
I have to explain why not getting the answers to my questions about the A is important to me. I tell them that sweeping everything under the rug isn't healthy. They tell me that they know their son and know that the OW didn't mean anything to him and that I've given her and the A more importance than it actually was. I tell them that I do believe that the OW and the A were probably a distraction for him and a way for him to cope with the impending life changes of having a child, but that I had to come to those realizations on my own. STBXH hasn't done any work to find out why he did what he did and it's easier to blame me and our marriage.
Anyway, I left feeling like he had used them to manipulate me further. It's been 6 months and I don't know if I've turned a corner or I'm just fed up...but I just don't think giving it more time is going to help. If anything I'm convinced now more than ever that filing for D is the right thing to do.
So the following day I had already planned to take the day off and go see attorneys. I was really impressed with myself for going and getting the info I need and doing it without getting emotional. All this time I thought I would break down and cry about even going to go see someone for a consultation, but it was quite the opposite. I felt empowered and it was a big step.
Now I just need to figure out what is best for my future. Do I stay in town or do I move back home.
Thanks to everyone here for the advice last week. NO ONE knows that I went to see lawyers or the plans I've been discussing with my family if I do choose to move. The best advice has been to keep quiet about it and keep my cards close to my chest.
That night, after I left the in-laws my STBXH texted "Sorry about tonight, I just don't know what to do."
I didn't respond. On Friday night when he brought home the baby he tried to tell me how beautiful I am and that he loves me. I just said thank you and closed the door behind him. It didn't phase me and just seemed like more manipulation.
I just feel like I'm dealing with a 15 year old kid, not a 36 year old man. I don't expect the enablers who helped him become the entitled POS he has become to be of any help in this situation, but my heart goes out to my in-laws. I know they are frustrated and hurting too. But life goes on and I have to be a selfish little B now.
STBXH is learning what happens when you treat people like dirt for a period of time...for some reason they just don't want to do exactly what you want them to do. Sad, huh? Poor taxi driver.