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click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Its "help solve today's teen problem" Monday. (if you dare).

My 16yo just started back to school last week and the fun begins. (grouchiness, moodiness, etc.)

So, with that comes the teen-toddler reactions.

Today is the last day for him to buy his PE clothes at school to dress tomorrow - cost $25. He did not remind me over the weekend to give him the cash (since they will not accept checks) so this morning I told him to use $20 of his own money (I have $5) and I will give him his money back when I get home from work.

His response: NO.

And this is not atypical. Whever I ask him to use his own money for something I normally pay for, he refuses and puts up a bit "fit".

So, I said ok, no sandwhich for you today. (My mom buys him a sandwhich from his favorite deli once a week - her treat, her idea.)

What do you suggest?


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25548 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Easy.

He goes without the clothes.

Does he not get you are paying him BACK?

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21051 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I agree with Ajsmom.

He failed to tell you in time to get the money.
He refused to front his own money (with the knowledge that you'd reimburse him within hours).

Let him feel some of the consequences (a zero for each period he isn't dressed properly for PE, etc).

When you're calm, I'd have a discussion about actions and consequences, with this as an example (and a few others if you can think of specific ones). It won't be the last time, but be consistent in letting him feel some of the consequences of bad decisions. You're helping him be a better man in the long run. (Though I will admit you're going to go gray in the process ).


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Oh- and I think that there should be an added consequence for his rude attitude toward you when you told him to use his money.

No allowance for a few weeks or no XBox for a while - since that's YOUR money being used to entertain him.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Definately,what AJ's mom says. I would back that up with a big dose of no phone when you are home. He needs to know that even though he's 16 you are still in charge.

He also needs to learn to plan ahead. Lets face it in 2 years you won't be by his side to help him out (if he goes away to school). When it's a clamer environment review ways to help him stay organized.

My 16yo is ADHD, so this kind of oops I forgot thing is fairly common, but I have given him the tools to help him remember. He is pretty creative in ways to help him remember things. He frequently will take pic's of forms, and things he needs, and sends them to me via text. I know then what I need to get him, or remind him of.
I am fairly confident that he will be ok and able to manage on his own. But this is only the first full week of school so ask me again in 30 days.....


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, August 19th (Monday)

So, he goes without the clothes, and then because he goes without the clothes, he gets zeros in PE which will result in another punishment from me. Its like one consequence after another that spirals till it seems out of control to me.

Oh yes he gets that I'm paying him back, but he "doesn't like it".

He has teen temper tantrums and I want to SCREAM.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25548 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Its like one consequence after another that spirals till it seems out of control to me.

Consequences for HIS actions.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21051 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 19th (Monday)

The zero in PE is the consequence (plus whatever other consequences you wish to implement due to his rudeness toward you).

THere's no need to punish again over the zero in PE. He'll likely have to make it up via extra credit or some other way, so that could be self correcting.
Don't give in to the tantrums or it only gets worse.

I have a 20yr old DD, who barely made it through her teens alive as well as a 17yr old DS who is a lot easier on my nerves than his sister was. I am happy to say that DD is starting to resemble a human again and less like the alien tyrant inhabiting her human shell.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Oh yes he gets that I'm paying him back, but he "doesn't like it".

Well you don't like having to rush around and do things last minute because he didnt plan ahead a little.
Too bad (for him).


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 19th (Monday)

agree with the others.


FWW - 41
Fawk you.....pay me!

Posts: 5908 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, August 19th (Monday)

No, he won't make up any zeros in PE, as he won't care. I will again have to enforce that or give a consequence. I've been down this road before.

See what I mean, its a never ending cycle.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25548 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 19th (Monday)

If he gets enough zeroes, he'll be in danger of failing PE. That means he'd have to make it up or take it again or maybe even be forced into summer school.

Mention that and he may have a (very slight) change in attitude.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Can you work with the school to give him detention or something like that for not having the PE clothes? I mean applying a consequence that would be meaningful to him - like losing some freedom, since maybe he doesn't care about 0 in PE.

In any case, what you have to realize is that this is HIS problem, NOT YOURS. He has to learn that he can't dump on you at the last second and expect to be bailed out, that he can't DISRESPECT you and expect you to do him favors.

It is difficult to detach, and to watch our children fail, but the problem is with him and the school. Hopefully, he will figure out (sooner rather than later) that he needs to better organize himself and get this stuff taken care of.

And yep, the temper tantrums at this age are HORRIFIC. It is important to let him know that when he has calmed down and is prepared to be respectful then you can have a conversation with him. But not before.

((((clicky))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2587 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Clicky, this is what I would do - And have done things like this.
I would make him believe he has to go without, and get a zero. Then let the school/teacher know what's up. They are usually more than happy to help a mom out when they are trying to instill some consequences.

I had to do this with ALL of my sons teachers last year, the school he is in allows late work, most teachers only give a percentage of the grade, but still allow it, so for Captain ADHD he chose not to do any of his work on time. I told the teachers, that they have to make clear to him NO LATE WORK ACCEPTED. What a difference it made.

I get the cycle believe me, sometimes you just have to be creative.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, August 19th (Monday)

all of your suggestions are so GREAT...but why do I feel I have the most difficult teenager? For every suggestion, I can come up with a tried and it won't work with him. Example: I did tell the teachers to make the same rule for him (as he also has an IEP in place) - no late work - and that didn't phase him a bit. See, he dislikes school very much and would like to drop out if I allowed it. My goal is to keep him there to at least graduate. Then after that - reality sets in. I can't force him to go to college, but I can only hope he will change his mind. I'm afraid he will learn the hard way, but who knows, these last two years might be a change! That's what I'm optimistic for!


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25548 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, August 19th (Monday)

You can't force him to pass high school either. If he wants to sabotage it, he will. Mom, kids don't grow up until we stop fixing things for them.

My DS hated school too. He refused to take a language or SATs; therefore, he could not go to university. We had a relatively inexpensive one for in-state, the University of AZ. I never fought with him about it. When he graduated, he got his dream job and never planned to go to college. He finally realized that he had to, but by that time he was an adult. His work paid for a lot of it, but the rest had to come out of his pocket.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20170 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Does his school have a program where you go to school part-time and work part-time? That is the only reason my DS graduated, seriously.

I also agree with letting him suffer the consequences of his actions. My kids all learned the hard way that the answer was always "no" when they waited until the last minute.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5136 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Yes, he can do work part-time, but he is not interested. I'm telling you he's a tough cookie to crack. Nothing short of anything seems to work. But honestly, I can't say he's a "bad" kid because he's not. He's home most of the time and not out rising hell in the streets, otherwise, I really don't know what I'd do. He just needs some real motivation, spark, something that will get him GOING. And I've been trying for the last 3 years to help him find that. I keep praying it will come in some way, some how. I explained to him that I was like him too as a teen (though I always wanted good grades) and I guess as a parent we all want our kids to NOT be like us...we want BETTER for them.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25548 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Clicky, what does he want to do/ be when he grows up?

It took my kid figuring out what she wanted to do before she realized she needed a degree and all the trappings that went with going to a university.

As for the temper tantrums - just walk away. No reason to subject yourself to that. He wants attention, don't give him any when he throws one. It can't work on you if you're not there to see it.

Hugs
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5083 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

What does he like to do? Determine that and exploit it or use as an incentive.

My DS20 hated high school and we had real concerns of him even getting thru it. By mere chance, he chose to take JROTC for the sole purpose of getting out of PE. Turns out it was a godsend. He loved it and forced him to keep his grades up. He graduated with flying colors and is a terrific young man.

Both my DD (16 and 22) were motivated by sports. They had to keep their grades up to participate. I didn't have to do much of anything with any of them because they knew their consequences.

If any of them acted up at home I just had to threaten to pull them out of their preferred activity and they would straighten up. The key to that is they knew I would do it (never made a threat I was not prepared to follow thru with).

Find what he enjoys and use it.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1107 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Everyone has already given you great advice about actions and consequences, and especially, kids don't grow up until their parents stop fixing their problems and running their lives for them. He is a tough cookie and he will probably have to suffer some severe consequences before he wakes up and smells the roses, but better now than never. And I'm serious there, because I have dated a 46 year old whose mother is still fixing his problems and he lives in her basement and drinks his life away.

My new guy's best friend is a 30 year old that just moved back in with mommy because he doesn't want to work a lower-paying job to support his butt right now. Enabling and entitlement makes not very happy adults.....

(((hugs))) because I know how tough it is to let your kids fall on their butts. I have 4 teenagers or used to be teens. The teen years suck. Period. I never used to drink until my kids hit their teens (I am serious!) (I'm not saying you should take up drinking to deal with parenting a teen....but I am saying you have to find a way to detach just a bit otherwise you will not make it thru those years!)


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15227 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I'm telling you he's a tough cookie to crack. Nothing short of anything seems to work. But honestly, I can't say he's a "bad" kid because he's not. He's home most of the time and not out rising hell in the streets, otherwise, I really don't know what I'd do. He just needs some real motivation, spark, something that will get him GOING.

I feel for you. This is my son, except 13yo. He doesn't like school either. We've tried homeschool. public school and now private school.

The consequences thing does work, it's just hard to see your child deal with them. We want to rescue them. In our house, it's a huge conflict because daddy keeps bouncing between rescuing DS and nagging him. Both are owning DS's responsibilities. The result is, DS won't own anything but Minecraft

I've told him that legally, we are required to feed him, clothe him, make sure he gets to school and give him a place to sleep. All else is a gift from us to him.

We've gone over how much it will take him to pay us back for failed classes working minimum wage. He may end up working a job that he hates, but that's because he's making choices now that will limit what choices he will have in the future.

I've also told him that now that he wouldn't be in the youngest grade in middle school, if he chooses to fail classes we're paying for, I'll transfer him to his assigned MS. They have huge discipline problems and it would break my heart but I don't want to raise an entitled child. I'm M to one, TYVM. I'm raising a man, not a child.

Check out some of the info at http://www.loveandlogic.com/ for some ideas. Most may be geared towards little kids, but it's never too late to start the consequences and problem solving.

I really feel for you, because what I quoted above can be DS. It's frustrating to have the good but totally unmotivated kid. You have to find the motivation. Maybe it's having him do more work to make up for what he doesn't do. For instance, when my kids have forgotten something at home (like lunch), I have been a SAHM and we live less than 3 miles from the school. I can take them their lunch, but then they have to pay me back for my time by doing some of my chores.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

This is why I love SI - you are all so wise.

Well, my son asked me for the money last night to get his PE clothes today and I said nope. I said after the stunt you pulled about not wanting to use your money and me paying you back, you can now still use your own money and I will pay you back. He said forget it, he will get a suit cut. I said fine, you do that and you will not get an allowance this week. He's digging in his heels and so am I. And this is where it starts to feel like a power struggle. My mom says if I had the money today why didn't I just give it to him? BECAUSE he refused to do what I asked him the day before. And he's acting like a 2 year old.

SO, we will see how the rest of this week will play out.

I just got a call from his school counselor (WHOM I LOVE) and she informed me that she will no longer be his counselor anymore and I got upset. She has been a great with him and me and dealing with all this high school stuff and now we need to see someone who I do not care for (I've had some interacations with this other one) because she is cold and unrepsonsive. I left a message asking if as a parent I can request that she still remain his counselor to the principal. But now I feel like a whiny kid...


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25548 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

you will not get an allowance this week

So I have to ask out of curiosity, does he have to work for this allowance or is it a freebie? I really hope he has to earn it in some way otherwise that is a fast path to entitlement, especially given his current attitude.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1107 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I can tell you what my parents would have said if I acted like that:

"Okay, then I WON'T pay you back for the PE clothes. You can get zeros in PE until you can come up with the $25 yourself. Remember, if you get below a B in any of your classes, you are grounded from the phone and tv and hanging out with friends until your grade is up to a B or above. Have a great day at school!"


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 25