SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
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User Topic: I have always loved men
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I have. My father was amazing. Not perfect, of course, but a simply wonderful dad. So much so, that it is almost impossible for anyone to live up to him.

Most of my 'best friends' (with the exception of 2 or 3) have always been men. I have not had inappropriate relationships with them - I just love men. Regarding their goodness, character, integrity, protectiveness, compassion, etc. I guess this is what my dad showed me that a man was.

Then I found my soulmate. Nothing ever felt like that before. Then - as we started having kids, and the kids had issues, he started to withdraw. Long story short - then the infidelity.

I am / have been in such shock that this man could do such a thing. And I notice I am generalizing his behavior to all men.

I have noticed lately that any time I am watching TV or in a discussion, etc., and a man behaves badly - I am always feeling, or saying out loud (if I am alone) things like, "Leave him!" "Kick his ass out!" "That SOB!"

I have lost something more than my husband, and my marriage. I have lost my faith in men - the very creatures that I have looked up to, and adored.

Please - all you wonderful men out there - please don't think I am saying that men are bad. I am just saying that as a person who has always felt so favorable about men - it is so hard to 'feel' so differently now. My first 2 husbands were idiots and jerks, but this man was different. He was then.

I know my 'feeling' is not real. I know there are just as many wonderful men 'out there' after my husband's infidelity as there were before.

I am sad that I have noticed my 'gut' response to men 'post infidelity' is prejudice and immediate judgement.

I hate feeling this way. It is wrong - and so hurtful. To me, and to anyone that I accidently project these feelings on.

I'm sorry if anyone has taken this wrong. This is just the opposite of an attack on men.

It is just so hard - I feel like I have not only lost my marriage, but my faith in these wonderful men.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:21 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 19th (Monday)

sorry - seems I may have offended


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Nohopeleft
New Member
Member # 40356
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I understand what you are saying and have found myself thinking similar things.

My husband was one of the ones that would NEVER do such a thing. Here I am.

I have lost faith that there are any good ones out there. If my good one was capable, any of them are.

[This message edited by Nohopeleft at 3:54 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


Me: late 30s Husband: late 30s
M 14 years, T 18
C: 8 and 10

DD 1: 3/12 numerous PA from 95-05 resulted in me confessing to brief PA prior to marriage

DD 2: 4/12 RA with prost.

DD 3: 11/12 RA with old professor

Hoping for R but doubtful


Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Really? Not me. It just makes me want to look for a new one with BETTER qualities. lol.

Actually, we're in R and trying to work it out. I'm giving myself a year to decide...He doesn't know that. fWH already broke my heart, there's nothing left to abuse. Although, he says he's more attracted and in love with me more than ever and more than any of the OW. Yeah, whatever.

Sometimes, I just think men think with their little heads, BUT not all of them. It's kind of like generalizing them, y'know? Like sayin women are gold diggers. Shoot, I make my own money and worry about myself. I honestly don't need a man. But, I'm giving my fWH a chance.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 19th (Monday)

WhatsRight - I highly doubt you have offended. I think what you are describing is fairly common in BS of both genders. Extrapolating the actions of one onto those who are similar (in this case, of the same gender) is not unusual.

The fact that you are arguing this point with yourself in your post - able to recognize that there are good, wonderful men - proves that you are thinking about this, working on this, and airing it out here can only help with that process.

Keep challenging those knee-jerk reactions, especially when they fly in the face of what you've always felt and believed.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25770 | Registered: Aug 2011
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I think once you are aware of infidelity, in someone you previously trusted deeply, that you view people more realistically. Previously you may have projected qualities onto them that they didn't have. I've found that to be true, but it isn't gender specific, for me.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 19th (Monday)

You were betrayed and now you're wary and gun shy. It's great you can recognize that stuff is based on emotion rather than reason, but you will still feel those feelings. Hopefully your H will be safe for you again and you won't feel that way anymore.

Me, I don't trust dogs. We got a puppy not long ago and it was the first dog I ever really bonded with. I mean this dog and I, it was like one of those paired up things out of a story.

He bit my son though. We tried to train him and correct for it, and he bit my son again and I ashamed of myself for allowing that to happen a second time. I brought my dog in myself to put down and stayed with him as they injected him and they asked me to leave the room a moment, and I think that was the first time I'd cried in front of somebody who wasn't my wife since I got my ass kicked in high school. We have another dog now and he's sweet and lazy and rationally safe, but every dog I see, I am on kill watch if there is a kid around.

These things can cut deep enough that the danger looms everywhere. It takes a long time to heal the really painful stuff. Sorry if comparing this to a dog might have been insulting, didn't mean it like that.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 4:02 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I think what you are describing is fairly common in BS of both genders. Extrapolating the actions of one onto those who are similar (in this case, of the same gender) is not unusual.

This. I considered all men who like to golf asshole douches last year (obviously I don't feel that way now as I'm volunteering to drive the beer cart in a charity golf tournament this weekend ). I STILL have a problem with, ah, full-figured black-haired women, but I'll get over that eventually, I guess.

It's just a process. You won't always feel this way. ((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Five women, 5 cheaters. Who has more reason to collectively define a gender?(five for five for real kwim?)

Before I get lumped into the dirty drunk, must be something wrong with him category, let me describe the circumstances in my current situation. M'd 10 years, in that time, FWW has prepared maybe 10 meals, gone grocery shopping 5 times. As soon as my son was done breast feeding, I took ALL the night time feedings.(She got to have him for 9 months without sharing, it was my turn.) I wash and dry the laundry, she folds and puts away. I wash and dry the dishes, she puts them away. She maintains the interior of the house, I do the outside and vehicle maintenance. We share the Dr visits and child care. In 10 years, she has had 3 knee surgeries, 2 shoulder, a discectomy, spinal fusion, a rhysotomy and a hysterectomy. I've been to every appointment but maybe 2. 5 days a week, I make sure she has an uninterrupted 1.5 hrs to workout. 2 or three times a month, I stop by her office with flowers or chocolate just because.I am by no means perfect, but I'm not half bad.

Guess what, she still cheated. In the other relationships, my behavior was similar. They cheated. By finding this site, I have been able to identify myself as a KISA(we don't all cheat). It's my picker that's broken, not that half the population of the planet cheats divided by gender .

I asked this once in the menz forum. What made us pick the broken ones?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 9