SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Need advice please.
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Well XWH#1 has hit a new time low....Seems his deceased parents bought a life insurance policy for me years ago (1991). His dad recently passed away and XWH#1 found it and called me stating that he would like me to sign it over to DS19 and had already told him I would before he talked to me.

DS19 has an attitude toward me ever since he was 8yrs old and I kicked his cheating dad to the curb (DS doesn't know why I kicked his dad out and filed for D- he was having an EA/PA? with an 18yr old). XWH#1 has spent years filling my son's head full of nonsense and the boy has grown up just like him. We hardly speak and when we do he is rude and hateful to me. Last week XWH#1 called to let me know that DS19 will be home in a few days before going overseas (he is in the military now)and really wants us to work out our differences.

I have never did anything to my son for him to treat me the way he does. His Dad said it was because he hates my WH#2 and that I made him leave a dance when he was in the 5th grade. I had to get up the next day and pull a 12hr shift at the hospital and he wasn't talking or dancing with anyone, so I told him we were going home (as best as I can remember). I can't even remember if I stayed there or just went back to pick him up at the time. He has never brought it up to me and this was the first I have ever heard of it. My WH#2 tried to be a good step-father, but my son was always rude and disrespectful to us both. He was never abused (I don't believe in hitting a child) and if anything he was spoiled rotten. Anyway he went to live with his dad (actually grandparents) when he was 14, his choice, and I didn't fight it because it wouldn't have done any good in Texas. I spent a ton of money during the D on custody hearings and I didn't want to go there again. After that he hardly came to see us and only came when he wanted something. It was a very hurtful and hard 4yrs for me as a mother as they moved an hour away and I hardly ever saw him. He also wouldn't tell me when he had school functions and the few I found out about and went to, he treated me like crap while I was there. I know it was because of his Dad filling his head full of nonsense, because the ex's mother told me what all he said to my son about me, which were lies.

Anyway, during the same conversation, he said he was sending me the policy to sign over because my son would also have to go before a notary to sign it over to him as beneficary. He wanted to make sure that when I died that my son would have the money to bury me. Well I just got the policy and he doesn't have to sign it unless I make him the owner of the policy, not the beneficiary. The policy had my name as it was when I was married to my ex, and they had sent it to him. He figured out he couldn't collect without my signature and I know he plans on getting my son to sign it over to him, because that's the kind of lowlife, non-working jerk he is. It has already matured and he can collect thousands now and no one has to be dead to collect. They also took out a policy on my DD (DS was not born yet) at the time and he got her to sign her's over and he has already gotten the money, which he said he was holding onto for her until she straightens out her life. Yeah, Right!!! He stole her college money out of the bank when I filed for D and she never saw a dime of it. There was nothing I could do since it was in a joint account, but he never contributed a penny to it. I opened the account when my mother died and used my inheritance to fund it.

So now, I know why he wants me and my son to talk. He wants the money from my policy and thought if he acted nice, I would be stupid and sign it over to my son in order to make up. What a total POS!!!! He knows if I refuse it will just be something else he can use to turn my son against me. I love my son with all my heart, but I don't want his dad to take this from him like he did my daughter. My son thinks his dad hung the moon and won't believe anything I tell him otherwise. I don't know how best to handle this and any advise would be great.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Is the money yours? Does your XWH #1 have any claim to it whatsoever?

If not, then I'd cash it in and keep the money for myself. Your DS #1 doesn't deserve it; that he would be willing to "make peace" for money says a great deal about who he is.

Can you sign it over to your DD if your relationship is good if you don't want to or aren't allowed to keep the money for yourself?

I'm not a L, so this might also be something you should go over with a L to make sure that you're doing the right thing and so that your XWH #1 can't get his grubby mitts on it.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3600 | Registered: Oct 2011
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Honestly, if he is just like his father, why let him manipulate you, too? I think you will seriously regret it if you sign this over to him. He's made his bed, let him lie in it. This is something that is YOURS and since your ex has already turned him against you, I doubt that the money will change his mind about you, honestly.
Spend that money the way that YOU want to. Spend it on your daughter and tell the ex that since he wiped out your daughter's money in both accounts that you don't trust the word of a liar.
Your son has been brainwashed. There's nothing you can do in regards to him and what he thinks about you. Seriously. Spend it on what you want. DON'T give it to them.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1190 | Registered: Jun 2007
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I agree with ArkLaMiss.
I would be very wary of signing it over to DD, since she's already been manipulated into signing over her own policy. It might happen again.

If you dont want to use the money yourself, cash it out and put it into a trust or eduction fund for your DD that can only be used under specific guidelines. In other words, make it as difficult as possible for your smarmy XWH or disrespectful son to get their hands on it.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6440 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Cookie7088
Member
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 19th (Monday)

He wanted to make sure that when I died that my son would have the money to bury me.

Well, by all means -- do what he wants...cash out the policy, and go prepay for your funeral!

It would take some serious weight off of your children's shoulders....and it would be exactly the kind you would want...

(Although, it wouldn't be really what he wants-- but, then again, he did ask for it!)


Posts: 659 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, August 19th (Monday)

^^^OOoooooh I like this!
And any extra you can use on yourself and DD.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6440 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, August 19th (Monday)

The policy is totally mine and right now it has no beneficiary listed. I spoke with the insurance company and put a block on my XWH#1 being able to get any more information on the account with a password setting on the account. My DD and I are estranged (a whole other story)so I will not be listing her as a beneficiary. The policy is worth a lot more after I die than what I can cash it in for now. I don't need the money, but I also don't want my X to get his grubby hands on it either through tricking my son into signing it over to him. I know that is exactly what he is planning on doing and is using my son. He has went through all of his parents money and he only gets SSI now. He got his ailing dad to sign everything over to him and his brother got nothing when his dad died. He doesn't have the money to pay the taxes on his dad's house, so I am sure that's why he wants the money now. He was even stealing from his own mother before she and my step-father-in-law finally caught him. He is really the lowest of the low-lifes and I hope someday my son realizes what he is.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Thanks for all the advice. I think I may cash it in a use it to pre-pay part of my funeral expenses or another thought would be to make my brother (ex-BIL) my beneficiary. He has always stood beside me and sees his brother for what he really is. He was always beside me in court during the D and it totally pissed off his family, but he didn't care. He said his brother was a POS and that I was always more of a sister than the ex was ever a brother. That would totally piss off the ex that his brother got anything that his dad had a hand in. It would also give me the peace of mind that the money would be used for what it was intended for. Thanks for getting me over my guilty mother complex!!!!


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, August 19th (Monday)

It's yours... If you signed it over it would essentially be a bribe to make nice with your child...

It's yours... Fuck them...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I agree. My son only calls when he wants money and then I get crickets after I send it...Never a Thanks Mom for the money. The only time he ever says he loves me is when he wants money, then once he gets it, he is back to being disrespectful, until the next time. I think this has shown me that no matter what I do, he is just like his dad and I certainly don't need that in my life anymore. I have spent years crying over how my son treats me and I think I have finally had enough. Until he grows up, if he ever does, then I will re-evaluate the beneficary, until then they can manipulate someone else and leave me alone.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Two words: HELL NO!

I would look at the policy as a gift from your inlaws. It is yours to do with as you please. Cash it in and do something fun with it. Your son is old enough to know better, and his display of disrespect and using you for money should not be "rewarded." Maybe one day he will grow up and realize how big of an ass he is being to you! No one needs that in their life, and I am sorry you are going through it.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1092 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I haven't read all of the replies but my advice would be this, YOU keep the policy. If you don't feel comfortable arranging your own funeral put enough aside in an account to cover it for your daughter to have access to when the time comes.

I would not give your son a penny, if you signed it over he probably wouldn't see a penny of it anyway.

And also, next time your son is mean to you and praises his wonderful father, maybe let him know exactly why you divorced him!

As for the rest of the money, do something nice for you/your daughter. Sounds like you deserve it. If you feel bad about it, just think of it as replacing YOUR inheritance that was stolen from you.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Topic Posts: 12