SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Anyone else here with a seriously deluded Xws?
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, August 19th (Monday)

So, I asked XWH if I could keep the kids overnight during one of his custodial weekends ONLY because he gets the kids for an extended period of time beyond the weekend due to my work schedule. It's for a big family party that had to be scheduled during his time because my family is so busy. I try not to make this a habit, and I always offer him "make up time" (which he has never taken) if he so chooses.

Anyway, he said that was fine, but I had to have them back at 9:30 that morning in time for breakfast.

Okay, fine. But I have to laugh-- this is the same man who would sleep in as long as he could on the weekends, and I had to keep the kids as quiet as I could. We would sometimes sneak out to do the grocery shopping so that poor, overworked XWH could sleep in. Now, he apparently has some sort of charming family breakfast on Sundays that my kids simply cannot miss!

Reality check, XWH: The kids barely talk about you, never say that they miss you, are starting to say negative things about your stepchildren, and either whine or cry when it's time to go to your place for a visit. Crack out the bacon and waffles as much as you like, but it will never taste as good because I'm not there.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Yep. It's a progression and you will see it from both ends.

On exWHs part, he will do this dance for a while. He will make it like the kids and his time with them is exceedingly important because if he doesnt, he will come off as more of an asshole than he already looks. Unfortunately, as life becomes more routine with OWife and she is more and more interested in pushing herself and her children to the forefront, his interest will start to wane. I see it with mine.

At the same time, you will start to see the kids adjust. Only they aren't adjusting as the waywards would have hoped. Rather, they are adjusting to life without their father and there will be an increase in whining and meltdowns. Before, even though he wasn't living with them, they at least had him to themselves during visits. Now, they have to share all the time because he's making the cardinal wayward mistake - blending too fast , catering to the new family too much, and never seeing the importance of quality alone time with his own kids.

As the whining increases, so will his frustration and self loathing. As that increases, his interest in his time with them will decrease.

I can't see it any other way with men like our exes. They run to what's easy and most fun. The kids are fun when they behave and smile and don't shine the mirror on them. They are not so fun when they are blatently showing their pain and their confusion and their tendency to want mom. These type of waywards have no idea how to do the hard work it takes to help the kids and to repair their damaged relationships with them. Thats a big part of the reason why they left.

I see it with mine and you will see it with yours. It's just a matter of time. Our best hope is that counseling will help the kids learn to cope when they have to be there and that they will always know they have one parent who will never waver.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2011
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, August 19th (Monday)

but I had to have them back at 9:30 that morning in time for breakfast.

I think you should drop them off at 7am. Wouldn't want him to miss quality time with them.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13565 | Registered: Jul 2011
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 19th (Monday)

It's amazing how a POS can look at themselves and see a diamond shining back at them. I'm sure he THINKS the kids live for their time with him. He can't let reality interrupt his little fantasy.

The kids are fun when they behave and smile and don't shine the mirror on them.

^This!

Our kids are very young, well-behaved and just want to have fun. As they get older and want more than just a guy who will take them to the park and out to eat, I expect that he won't be able to adjust. When things get tough he makes stupid and hurtful decisions and then stands firm in those decisions no matter the consequences to himself or anyone else.

Part of what I am hoping to get out of IC is a way to help the kids through that transition if/when their narcissist father devalues and discards them for not giving him the special treatment he thinks he deserves.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Part of what I am hoping to get out of IC is a way to help the kids through that transition if/when their narcissist father devalues and discards them for not giving him the special treatment he thinks he deserves.

Wow. This, exactly. This is what his father did to him (and his 4 siblings) when he got married to the third wife.

And this is what I see him doing to his own children too. Oh he will deny til the cows come home, but all the "happy Facebook photos" on his page can't fool the majority of the folks he thinks he is fooling. Unfortunately, some still want to share with me, and I've unfriended everyone we had "mutual" on FB to help that but you know.

And apparently, Purple Rose is the narcissist! I'm not sure if he truly believes the crap that spews from his own mouth, or if his whining about Parental Alienation are just for the "Poor you" sympathies he is so desperate for.

In the end I don't really care. I rather like living in reality and choose not to sink down to the depths of Ick where he now resides.

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 2:49 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3523 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Oh for shit's sake

Keep the charade up asshole. They must really be grasping for straws with the "let's have family breakfast".

Are these two for real?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3171 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I think you should drop them off at 7am. Wouldn't want him to miss quality time with them



I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

STBM, you hit the nail on the head with this:

I can't see it any other way with men like our exes. They run to what's easy and most fun. The kids are fun when they behave and smile and don't shine the mirror on them. They are not so fun when they are blatently showing their pain and their confusion and their tendency to want mom. These type of waywards have no idea how to do the hard work it takes to help the kids and to repair their damaged relationships with them. Thats a big part of the reason why they left.

That's my XWH exactly. Everything's fine as long as everyone is behaving well and doing what he wants. When it comes to the nitty gritty of parenting, the less fun stuff? Yeah, he'll pass. He's always left the heavy lifting to me as evidenced by his lack of interest in how the IC is going for the kids. He only worries about how many more co-pays he'll be responsible for (no joke-- got an email about "How many more appointments are they going to have?").


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Once you detach, it's not hard to see that they ran from the lifestyle of having to act like responsible adults and parents. My ex is so flawed as a father it's not even funny. I could give you 100 examples of his ineffectiveness. I think he believes he does the best he can and that since the kids thought he hung the moon when he was here, that wouldn't change. Not true.

He didn't just leave me. He left the life and, sadly, no matter how much I try to spin it to be a good divorced mommy, the kids know he left them too. My son has said it. "mom, you can tell me that daddy didn't leave us, but you that's not true."

The hard stuff and the things we have to face as parents? That's just not fun. They might be able to look for a minute, but they cant sustain the mentality you need to constantly put your kids first.

I know in my heart that both of our exes will put up with them and keep up this little charade for as long as they can and for as long as it benefits their personas. What they fail to realize though is that the tables will undoubtedly turn one day and the kids will treat their fathers like they are nothing more than an obligation, much like they are treated now.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2011
Sparkles
Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

My ex is seriously deluded too.

A couple weeks after he left I knew I had to tell the kids something. I spoke to them and then sent him an email letting him know. His response: "I want to make sure they know they will always be loved and taken care of" Okay. He has seen them for a day and a half in almost 5 months. Only calls them sporadically. Never asks how they are doing. Now he wants to come see them but can only fly in for 1 day.

I'm sad for them, but I make sure they know I'm never leaving. They will always be loved and cared for. By ME.

[This message edited by Sparkles at 2:26 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: In a better place
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I can't see it any other way with men like our exes. They run to what's easy and most fun. The kids are fun when they behave and smile and don't shine the mirror on them. They are not so fun when they are blatently showing their pain and their confusion and their tendency to want mom. These type of waywards have no idea how to do the hard work it takes to help the kids and to repair their damaged relationships with them. Thats a big part of the reason why they left.

STBM nailed it. My 5 year old has already learned that her father gets angry when she tells the truth.

I hate seeing her trust broken but what I hate most is how much he keeps breaking her trust.

My girls are a shiny toys he can parade around to show everyone what a great dad he is. Oh I fought so hard for my kids (I never fought him on custody - I had no chance of it).

What he doesn't tell them is that when the girls are there he plonks them in front of the TV whilst he diddles his computer or diddles his whore. It makes me sad for them.

They grow so fast and he is squandering this special time, time that he steals from me.

It is an elaborate charade but no-one is convinced, least of all my girls.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 11