SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Do I want to be okay?
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Anyone else struggle with the idea of being "okay?" I'm five months out and occasionally I start to feel some glimmer of okay-ness, but then I think how abhorrent it is to feel even remotely okay after what WS has done to me. Is this normal? How do I get over this feeling of resistance? I just don't know if I ever want to feel "okay" after this. I know I love WS, and I want to work through this load of shit, but how will I ever feel truly okay or even want to be, after such a monstrous act? Make any sense?


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 341 | Registered: Feb 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I'm there sitting right next to you...(figuratively that is)

Yes, you make perfect sense.

I have to keep telling myself "It's not my fault he's broken because I'm awesome!" I just made myself smile.

But, I've been on a bummer for last few days because of darn triggers. Usually, I'm really good at letting go, but I'm in pain again...just like you. Feel it, tell him, and let it go. MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE, I know. :(

Hugs, sweetie.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 2:49 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.He will cheat again. But, It wont be on me.

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Sorry you are struggling.

For me there were two big factors at play with letting go of the pain. There is a distorted comfort in the pain. I was in it for so long I knew what to expect. Expecting the pain protects me from anymore let downs.

Which brings me to the second reason. I saw my pain and it's expression to my fWS as the motivation for her growth and healing. If I seemed OK than her work was done.

And besides that OK is where the A happened. And that is a seemingly scary place.

I have found with work and time there is a new normal. A new OK. With different rules and different people and a different path. And that one is not as Scary


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
SorrowBhindSmile
Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Makes perfect sense. I totally get ya.

I am almost 8 months out. Those feelings were very strong for me. But i think it was more about me...how could i be OK with myself if i allowed him back in...how could i live with myself if i let someone who is capable of this back into my life? Everytime i felt that glimmer of okay-ness, i squashed it. I resisted because i felt like me feeling OK was the same thing as me saying what he did was OK.

Only now am i beginning to allow myself the feel and accept the okay feeling. I'm starting to wrap my head around the fact that what my WH did was about him...not me. Its still hard, and i am no where near OK. But i know that allowing myself to feel OK is a big step towards rebuilding our marriage...and rebuilding myself. Feeling good doesn't mean what he did was OK...it doesn't absolve him of anything. It just means that we are making progress. It means I am making progress.

hugs to you


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Our MC says its a change of attitude from being a victim of infidelity to being a survivor of it, if you chose R as the path to go down. Its easier said then done not to feel that way


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1592 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I think that you need to feel this way, to keep progressing. Because if you never saw a glimpse of that light at the end of the never-ending tunnel, why keep going forward? Why not just stop and stay mired in the darkness?

That glimpse may only be fleeting at first, and once you notice it, it may flee like a panicked rabbit, but hopefully, little by little, that feeling that you will be OK, that you will be all right, that you''ll not only survive, but thrive at some point, will stop feeling so foreign and strange, and start to feel like a pair of well broken-in shoes that you can slip on without noticing.

(((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, August 19th (Monday)


..i can relate to your post and even after over 4 years in R, i don't feel OK yet!

..learning in 2009 that my entire 40 years with my gf/wife were based on lies, that she secretly met with my bf for bj's for nearly half of those years, including our courting years, has re-written my entire marital history.

..I will never be OK, as much as I would like to be..
this massive betrayal of love, marriage, friendship, family.. the corruption of truth, honour, loyalty, decency and trust.. is just too much to ever think i could be OK with as an outcome of my life.

..my imaginary life ended at 62.

..since then, i've been trying to figure out my next life.

..so, to me, ..your post makes complete sense!!!!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4102 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
carnelian
Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I saw my pain and it's expression to my fWS as the motivation for her growth and healing. If I seemed OK than her work was done.

This for sure, and that's definitely how he would interpret things. Another part is that it keeps me on my toes, aware, ready, with goals, plans, purpose and determination.


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 564 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I am 17 months out from DDay and I am not okay. I am still grieving my old M. I can feel it when I cry, I am releasing very deep pain.

My new normal has been both empowering and at times brutal.

There is something extra monstrous about carrying on an A after DDay. I still can't get past this part of my WH's A. Although, it did allow me to see the part that allowed the A to happen in the first place and probable personality disorder.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
ShedSomeLight
Member
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Hugs to you all. I am 3 weeks out and he wants me to be "ok"....and I just don't think that I am no longer the same person. I will never be the same person I was....and I am struggling with my identity. If I stay does that make me some sort of idiot that he will view in the long run as someone he can walk all over. My emotions are all over the place... not only am I am dealing with him being unfaithful...but I am so dealing with a criminal court case because the woman he had the affair with had been stalking me. He was trying to pull away from her and end it and I found out because she stalked me for months. I even received emails from this woman's sister saying that her stalking and hundreds of phone calls she made to me did not hurt anyone ! OMG... how the hell do I move on from it all and be "okay". At this point, I am going to counseling with him....but am I fooling myself. I feel that I don't want to waste anymore time in my life living with constant emotional pain. I decided to put a time frame on this.... and I don't feel a bit better in 60 days... I am packing my bags and just leaving. Do I want to be Okay..."yes"....but I may not be able to be Ok with him anymore.

Posts: 90 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 10