SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: ExWS seems done with his children
josie11
Member
Member # 31648
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I dreaded this happening, and now it seemingly has. First my ex fell out of touch with our eldest, who turned 18 a little while ago. They haven't spoken for a number of months.

Now it's been over a month since our youngest (15 years old) has heard from him.

By "out of touch," I mean no calls, no texts, no emails. Nothing.

There's no point in my saying anything to my ex because it would likely make him do the opposite of what I would want him to do (stay in contact with his children). But he is not stupid. He must know how damaging it is for any child to have his father literally ignore his existence.

Why would he do this? The children act as if they don't care, but I know it must hurt them that he is no longer interested enough to stay in touch with them.

What could he possibly be thinking?

[This message edited by josie11 at 3:21 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


BS: me
XWH: Dead to me, after spending half our lives together
2 teenagers
"I get it now; I didn't get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible... and enjoying everything in between."-Mia Farrow

Posts: 388 | Registered: Mar 2011
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 19th (Monday)

He's a soulless, selfish, sorry excuse of a human being. That is what makes him able to do that! My POS is doing the exact same thing. No contact with my girls for months, only our son because he thinks DS is "okay" with his actions. Couldn't be further from the truth, and once POS finds out what DS really thinks, he will walk away from him too.

My kids also act like it is not a big deal, but I also know it hurts them to be thrown to the curb like yesterday's trash by your father, whom they respected and looked up to ( ). But he has a history of walking away from unpleasant situations, so this is not a surprise. Sad, but not a surprise.

Just continue to be the best mother you can be. There IS no point in talking to your ex about it because it will only fall on deaf ears. When he is old and alone because he drove his children away, he might finally regret it, but not until then.

It is always tough to watch a train wreck, but hang in there for your kids and be their rock!

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 3:36 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 979 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 19th (Monday)

He must know how damaging it is for any child to have his father literally ignore his existence.
Maybe. Or maybe he's too focused on himself to see that he is impacting them.

((((kids))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24442 | Registered: Aug 2011
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 19th (Monday)

My ex hasn't seen my son in a few years and he's only seen him a handful of times since we divorced 10 years ago. I think it's easy for my ex to do so because he blames me for everything. When you don't own your choices, you don't feel guilt over them.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13648 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
josie11
Member
Member # 31648
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Maybe. Or maybe he's too focused on himself to see that he is impacting them.

Just in case this is what's happening, I'm thinking of sending him a very short text saying the children miss him.


BS: me
XWH: Dead to me, after spending half our lives together
2 teenagers
"I get it now; I didn't get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible... and enjoying everything in between."-Mia Farrow

Posts: 388 | Registered: Mar 2011
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 19th (Monday)

If he's that self-absorbed to not even think to communicate at all with the children, I think it's best he doesn't.

My STBX is trying to be involved with the kids, but it's all for child support purposes and to look like hes such an awesome caring dad to OW. When there was no CS in place and he was dating the 21-year-old twink, he barely ever asked for them for over 5 months.

It's sad to say, but if he's just going to show them attention because you asked him to or just do it for show, well that seems like it would do more harm than good. You cant make him less self-centered. To really mean something to the children, it should be a genuine effort on his part.. I think being manipulated and guilted by him is worse than being abandoned by him..

Just my 2 cents..

Hugs to you and the kids..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2005 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, August 19th (Monday)

My experience with this:

After Dday my (now)X didn't contact DD27 for 30 days. I did say something to him - and the result was that she was upset with me... She directly asked me if I'd said something and I didn't lie to her.

She was letting his actions speak for him... So when he called, and left a
vm: "Hi it's your Dad, just wanted to talk, I'm so lonely and have no one to talk to... miss you."

So yeah, he was totally focused on himself and his need for her sympathy given the circumstances - didn't do much to repair anything. They haven't talked in 5 years.

Sad. But if the kids realize that you said anything - his call will be meaningless to them... and if you think about it - the fact that you have to say something - kind of does make it meaningless.

My 2 cents


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
josie11
Member
Member # 31648
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Thank you everyone. I've taken all your comments on board and decided to keep my observations about how the children feel to myself.

Hopefully, my ex will wake up sooner than later and realize what great young people our teenagers are. Where there's life, there's hope.

In the meantime, I'll try to provide double the support and encouragement to my kids.


BS: me
XWH: Dead to me, after spending half our lives together
2 teenagers
"I get it now; I didn't get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible... and enjoying everything in between."-Mia Farrow

Posts: 388 | Registered: Mar 2011
copout
Member
Member # 22421
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Same thing here,it's been a year since my son has heard from his father.He's seems not to care but it has got to hurt.


Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.

Posts: 290 | Registered: Jan 2009
Topic Posts: 9