User Topic: Aren't we settling for less, if we decide to R?
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I'm so torn over this question. Why on earth do we consider R with a person who decided at some point in our relationship, that we weren't worth as much as someone else was? This is my third relationship, over 27 years where a man cheated on me. And I honestly no longer believe there are "reasons" for their infidelity. They weren't confused, or sad, or forced, or in a bad place, or whatever crud they come up with. Isn't the bottom line, that they decided we weren't all they wanted?

So why do we consider R, and now not only have lived through one of the most painful hurts a person can experience....but now we subject ourselves to a lifetime of always watching, always being worried, always feeling like we aren't enough, always wondering who they are really thinking about.

Just because our WH/WBF is showing us all the right things doesn't mean it's how they feel in their head and heart.

In the end, is R just something we settle for because we lower our standards so we don't have to lose the person we love, and start over? But didn't we lose that person already? And why do we want someone who decided we weren't worth keepin their pants zipped tight for?

I'm sorry for sounding bitter. I'm actually not at all. Just questioning so much these days. I'm so happy for those who can R successfully. I'd love some advice or insight from them....

Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I concur.

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Honestly I feel that by R I'm raising my standards.

I'm not going to sit back and accept the crap he had thrown at me. I'm demanding a better relationship than we had before. I'm demanding that he step it up.

Before I was letting him slide because we had been together for so long. I knew he was going through some tough stuff but I never thought he was having an actual A.

Now he has no excuse to be an asshole. He needs to be a better man.

If I left him he'd never try to be a better man. He's lazy like that.

I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 361 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I respectfully disagree, and I was in the D line from day one.

I think R with a truly remorseful and committed WS isn't settling by any definition. When both partners are working together to tear down the ruins and build a strong, authentic, and healthy marriage? Wow - it's something to behold. I wouldn't call that settling at all.

If you haven't already, check out the Reconciliation forum and look for the successful R thread. Amazing stories there.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25838 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I do not believe I have settled in the least. I set the bar Olympic height, and while he failed to get over it a few times, eventually he did.

The way I look at it is this. Life is hard. People are themselves. Meaning, what their own personal drivers, flaws, challenges, etc are, do not relate to me. His affair was about HIM. His personal path of self destruction. Did it take me down, too? Sure. But, there are no guarantees given that he wouldn't die young, or lose a limb, or become a drug addict or cheat on me. Life throws you curve balls. I don't think this one is all that insurmountable. Sure, it is one of the hardest things I have ever done and I had to recreate myself from the ground up.

But what works for me, his is intense and continued commitment to rebuilding. Himself. Us. Our family. My desire to keep working at it came from watching him get better and better. I really, really wanted to bail many times over. Go off and be alone. Just live my own life and raise my kids. But he just keep plugging away, being consistent, overcoming hurdles, beating my tests. I can sure as hell take care of myself and don't need him for that. I choose to have him.

For many, reconciling simply cannot be done. And there is nothing wrong with that. If I felt like I was settling for less than, I would never do it.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6569 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I agree with cuppa, nik, and rebreather.

If its not a deal breaker for you and your WS is able to do the hard work and keep after it day by day then R can be empowering. Loving your S enough to support them as they grow and change and not condemning them forever. Loving yourself enough to demand what you think it will take to create the M you both deserve.

People are flawed, life is long. I'm sure hoping we are headed somewhere great together. Feels like it today!!

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1765 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Well IMO, R is about the person, not the relationship. I mean, yeah I want a good relationship but I thought it sounded better than saying it's about that than about the fucking. Which I also want. But you can get that anywhere. If you decide you want it with that person, that's the only place you can have it.

So, I dunno. My wife isn't any less than any woman here. Not just because she has girl parts or laughs at my jokes or has a history. She's herself. I still like her, love her, and if we can have a healthy relationship (and fucking) I want that too. If not, then I can go watch cartoons and become a monk or something. At higher levels monks get to do cool shit anyway. Is there someone out there better? I guess, but there's sure as hell a lot of guys out there better than me, I try not to worry about that. At least not until I have my kill plan set up per B444.

"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I'm not going to sit back and accept the crap he had thrown at me. I'm demanding a better relationship than we had before. I'm demanding that he step it up.


And... I can't be sure I will ever trust another man as long as I live. My H, for giving me reason not to, and every other guy on Earth because I have lost faith. I would rather R and accept my H and all of his flaws because I'm in love with him, than risk this crap all over again with somebody else.

For me, settling would have been walking out the door on Day 1. I'm fighting for this. It's harder, IMO. But hopefully worth it...

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Fifth time for me. 5 different women. First time trying R.

18 months since D day. Probably 10 true months of R. Personally, I have set the bar WAY higher than I would be able to with someone I didn't have this terrible legacy with. Either the M we end up with is something far better than I could have imagined at the outset, or I'm done. There will be no *settling*.

It's working. I like it a lot better than before. Rather than *the ball and chain* marriage we had before, we have created a mutually uplifting supporting environment.

In no way will I *settle*.

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3025 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, August 19th (Monday)

In my early 20's, my fiance cheated on me and got pregnant from OM. I dumped her like a bad habit and never looked back.

Over the years, I question if I did the right thing. It pans out that she had a plethora of FOO issues (abuse, alcoholism, molestation from both her father and older brother, etc. etc.) and her wayward tendencies were absolutely a product of such damages, but I was much too young, dumb and inexperienced then but in the end, it seems I abandoned her like just about everyone else in her life (i.e. she's single with two kids now, addict, etc. etc.).

I had pretty normal relationships between that point and when I met my now WS. And while I saw a few examples of unusual behavior from my WS of 8 years, I chose to suck it up and work through them instead of bailing at the first sign of trouble.

I don't think that trying to R is settling for less. I think it's settling on the notion that bad things happen to good people. My WS's wayward behaviors are absolutely a product of her FOO issues, as well as abusive relationships in her past. And while I cannot and will not change her, I will let her know that I will be here to support her IF and ONLY IF she wants to change those things herself.

It would be so much easier to just cut and run. I'd have her gone in a matter of days and my life would resume shortly thereafter. But no, I think the "gift" of R is the right choice, albeit the harder, more difficult choice. It's stating that I have the patience and understanding to stand by someone provided they are willing to show me they are going to fix this and find it unacceptable.

We are only settling for less if our WS's continue to cheat or have EA/PA's. If they are doing the hard work, self-exploration, betterment and investing in changing this aspect of themselves, we're not settling for less. We're investing in a better, more solid relationship.

BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I suppose it would be settling if nothing changed, but I know R is possible and couples can crawl out stronger than before...unfortunately not in my sich
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5171 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, August 19th (Monday)

If anyone says that the best life of all is to sail the sea, and then adds that I must not sail upon a sea where shipwrecks are a common occurrence and there are often sudden storms that sweep the helmsman in an adverse direction, I conclude that this man, although he lauds navigation, really forbids me to launch my ship.

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, August 19th (Monday)

No, for all the reasons listed above.

I encourage you to see that you really can say 'no' to R. IME, that made it a lot easier to say 'yes' to R when I realized that's what I really wanted.

TrulySad, You're at a point where you are forced to make choices you never wanted to make. That's the bad news. The good news is that deciding to D, or to R or to work on your M for now with no LT commitment are all choices that you can make and hold your head high.

Focus on what's best for you - that's the choice to make.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10428 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I think R with a truly remorseful and committed WS isn't settling by any definition. When both partners are working together to tear down the ruins and build a strong, authentic, and healthy marriage? Wow - it's something to behold. I wouldn't call that settling at all.

I assumed on DDay that this is why my WS would want to do. I actually started excitedly talking about how close we were going to be once we worked through this together. But it wasn't in the cards.

Had WS been willing to do the work, I would have loved the chance to try to R and build something stronger. I have the feeling that I'm always going to wonder if I walked away too quickly on DDay2. I won't get too into it now, but he has MAJOR FOO issues and it's pretty clear that he did this to make sure he abandoned me first. I have the strength in me to help him through that (and I told him so), but he refused to believe me.

It's a waste all around. But I had to do what was necessary to protect myself and not let myself be emotionally abused.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 7:41 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Is he remorseful now. pretty much, yes.
Is it too late? Still to be determined. I'm not at a place yet where I can decide this, Although I feel I'm close.
I understand and forgive one affair. I cannot see my way through to forgive two.
Do I feel I'm settling right now, yes. Too much hurt and pain inflicted.
Maybe I'll feel differently soon. I hope so.
I believe those with one time incidences and instant remorse, maybe even a confession fair better.
I have more to recover from. I'm trying as hard as I can. If I do walk away it will be with no regrets. That's not settling...

I so understand what you're posting about!!

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5328 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I totally did not settle. I wanted R I had made that decision long before I had proof. I knew he had it in him to heal himself. It took a few tries to get it started right. But when he did he really really did!
We are so much better. So much stronger. So much happier. We really did it. We came to a new higher level of relationship, love, understanding, and family.

I thank God daily that my H finally got it. Of course it took me tolerating a lot of shit and finally getting strong enough to draw my own line in the sand and sticking to it. In its own twisted way his cheating made me nd him and us so much stronger, better.

So no I didn't settle. I demanded more better. I got it too!

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8738 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Thank you everyone for your insight and replys. It helps to know I'm not alone in thinking this way, with some....and to hear how some of you are able to view R in a positive way. I think when you've tried R with three different people, it becomes discouraging and you start to lose hope.

I WANT to hear the positive. My WBF is actually doing so much right. I am terrified at the thought of all I'm also doing and have been through....and it could end the same way it did in my past.

Thank you for giving those of us who desperately need hope, some positive advice...

Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Only after false R did I think what you are questioning. I knew then that xWS did think much less of me and our family unit than he did about the OW. Until then I truly believed that we could both work hard to have the best relationship ever.

Sadly, he was not willing to do the work necessary and dig deep to fix himself.

Even though he sees his children on weekends, I know we are better off separated as he is no longer the person who can teach my children with me what commitment and loyalty in a relationship are about.

I know that our relationship had been difficult since becoming parents but there is no excuse for what he did and I dont know if I can ever forgive that behaviour. For me relationships are about accepting the other person, warts and all, and not running away when the going gets tough.

I am confident that one day I will meet someone who can love me 100% and treat me accordingly.

Sending you strength.

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I only agreed to R if we had "more" than we did before, and to be honest, our relationship is better than it ever was in terms of our closeness, our honesty and our openness. For me it was more about transparency of "self" more than transparency of whereabouts, phones, passwords etc. My ExWF entered into intensive counselling and addressed issues arising out of his being sexually abused, and we addressed a lot of barriers between us.

Our relationship is still flawed, but in a human way, because we are both flawed - as we all are. Only this time, we are mature enough to admit it and work through it together.

Please dont think for one moment I discount the pain of the infidelity, or the anger and the disappointment. But we move through that and past that and each time we learn more about each other and ourselves and I can honestly say I love him and understand him far more than I did the day before I found out about his infidelity.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Good question...

I do feel in my opinion.
not judging anyone else! that for me! I have settled for less by staying with my wh after he cheated.

He held/holds me to a certain standard but not himself.

If I was my friend and not me. Id look at myself and think I was a fool for not leaving on my 2nd dday let alone the fact I have now lost count of subsequent ddays.

To the members on here who say to me:

- leave
- leave
- leave

It sucks

When is enough, enough? From the first realization of infidelity to the last...

I dont know. Well, actually i do know. If I was financially secure I would have left my wh 5 yrs ago.

Sad but im to the point I almost dont care if I end up living in a cardboard box. My daughters dont deserve that! Not saying i do but somedays id rather wake up to that then my wh face. He is my biggest trigger.

Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Sorry to thread jack but for me I dont want a "better" partner. Its not about him being a better partner than so and so! I want a partner who values me. I dont think I will ever feel that way about wh. Even i he never cheats again. Its the fact that he did and I wasnt worth being faithful to and being treated how he expected to be treated. Thats some real deep shit to wade through.

Wh was all I wanted. He didnt have to be witty or have abs of steel. He didnt have to wear true religion jeans or drive a fancy car. He did have to value me. He didnt.

Just sayin

Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Stay? Go?

Neither is easier than the other! Each has its pitfalls and benefits.

I know its my choice. I dont like either choice.

Its all in your own perspective of your own situation.

Whats in my head at this moment..

Cheater cheater pumpkin eater...

Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I echo cuppacoffee.

People do make mistakes when they aren't playing with their head in the game. That is not an excuse to let this stuff slide.

At this point, it's still in my best interest and that of my kids to R. If that changes, I will file for D.

Our MC asked me last week, in a session with just her and me , "Don't you want to understand who the father of your kids really is?" I take that to mean that if I give up now, I won't have any insight into what is behind all of this and that insight may be helpful even if we co-parent in a D situation.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Yes, i agree people make mistakes but where i disagree...infidelity is not a mistake in my eyes. Its a choice.

[This message edited by sunflowergirl30 at 9:41 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I think it just depends on the WS in question. So many times we read that the WS was an asshole throughout the marriage and that they aren't remorseful. In that case, then yes, the BS is settling for less. However, since they always had settled for less, they really aren't doing anything differently than before. Or, if they are staying because they don't want to have to work or it's "better" for the kids, then I do think it's settling.

For those who had a good spouse to begin with and that spouse is truly remorseful and willing to do the work, then no, I don't believe the BS is settling.

Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13818 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Yes, i agree people make mistakes but where i affair is not a mistake in my eyes.

I agree. It is a purposeful and conscious choice. I feel I will be settling if I stay even if he becomes truly remorseful. He is a cheater and that can't be undone. He will always be a cheater whether he is recovering or not.

He is now less of a person than people who do not have affairs. He not only cheated once, he then lied and took it underground after DDay1. He covered his tracks and made me feel somewhat safe so he could continue to see her and talk to her. He is now "less than". He will always be less than I deserve b/c he is a cheater and I am not. I am faithful and loyal and loving. He is none of those things anymore. The obvious ones he killed are faithful and loyal, he killed being loving once he crossed the cheating line. Nobody can love while they cheat. They are empty dead souls.

Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

IMO, I was settling Before I found out about OW4. I thought I was being a good wife. I know that he is a "social butterfly" and I'm not so much. I know that he needed some type of external stimulation - he acted in local theater, played bass in an alternative band, etc - and I supported him in everything he did. I thought I was being a good wife by supporting band practice 3 nights a week - EVERY week for 10 years!

I thought I was being a good wife, handing over the keys to my new car so he could go support a friend band in style while I sat at home washing his dirty underwear and tending to his kids.

He was a really good husband and father until we moved to Dallas. Here, the new friends he found when looking for a new band to join really started him down the evil path. None were married. It was all about the party scene - drinking, drugs (them not him), women. So he kept his little family isolated from that life.

When we were separated, I even asked him if he wanted his tombstone to read "Great Friend, Shitty Husband/Father" because that's what he was.

I settled then! But not now!

Now, I have a man who understands (once again) that his marriage and his family must come first above all else. He puts our needs first. He helps me with the kids/house AND he doesn't resent me anymore for asking him to help. He is in a new family-friendly band. And he does not speak to any of those bad influences.

I have the man I married again. I'm not settling for that asshole he had turned into for a while. And we are happier than we've been in years.

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I dont think people should get caught up in the logistics of it.

For me personally I have settled. Is my wh the ideal remorseful spouse? No. Imo even if he was I would still be settling because he was unfaithful. No one forced him too. He chose it and I will never forget that. He is a cheater. Though he may never cheat again for me the point is he did.

Its great for those who dont feel that way. I respect that...but its not the reality of my marriage or my feelings. The ws knows what they are doing is wrong. They wouldnt want it done to them by us or by their OP.

I will never see my wh the same again. Im suspicious now of ALL people. Male or female. For many its all about the moment and in that moment what they want and how it makes them feel. Damn the consequences or collateral damage. Most not all..but most ws are so shocked when they get found out when everything crumbles. Well duh! No shit sherlock!

Great if he fixes himself someday. I doubt he will. He may never cheat but hes still fucked up. Hes still emotionally corrupt.

He sold me out. He sould out our kids. He sold out our future. Most of all he sold out himself.

That will always be a factor.

I have little hope that I will be valued by another man. Maybe once I fix me and stop trying to save other people.

Starting with my wh.

Everyones journey is different. We are all different.

Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I think it depends on the relationship itself. R might be settling for less for me, but it might be striving for more for another couple. I understand that some relationships are stronger after an A with a truly remorseful WS.

In many ways my M is better now. But, I have become weaker in the process. This is a contradiction in terms. So for me I think I did settle for less. But not everyone who R does settle for less.

I recently read a thread on here, where I was very proud of many of the WS. They gave the same advice to the poster as many BS would. So many of them are worth a second chance.

The jury is still out rather or not mine is.

Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Better the devil you know, I suppose.

Sometimes you have to settle-you can't always get what you want-I can't have a million dollar mansion, so I settled for a 50y/o small house.

time wounds all heels

Posts: 5398 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

From my short time on SI I would guess that people considering R do so for many reasons. I don't think most of them are settling. Are some? Maybe. Every circumstance is so different.

This is why I feel like I can't say I am in R or D. I feel like if it wasn't for our son, I would not even be considering R right now. I love myself more than I love WH (did I at DDay 1 year ago - probably not). And WH obviously loved someONE (himself or AP) more than me. And I'm not all about just sticking together because its easier.

When H told me everything last year I instinctively told him - hey, you're (sons) dad and I've got no where better to be AT THE MOMENT, I'm not kicking you out on the street BUT... 1) you have to be nicer to me, you're mean, 2) you have to get over your funk and start taking care of SOMEthing (house, food, bills, kid). I told him he probably had about 8 years to get his shit together because its not like I'm going to be out barhopping and dating and stuff with everything I have going on.

Then I spent the year trying to learn to be kind to myself, love myself, respect myself.

Now I am more worried about myself than him and I don't think about "us" that much. He seems to be heading down the road to R but I'm still in limbo in my mind.

I've had a lot of ups and downs in the past year but I'm pretty happy still with what I told him on DDay.

As I pay more attention to people and their relationships around me and interact with more people than just my family and H's friends - I'm starting to notice that I don't like people all that much I doubt I'll ever be looking for another relationship but that also doesn't mean I want to R.

So I don't really see it as a question of settling, I see it as a question of what is it you want? Get that. Don't "settle" away from that. But if what you want is R then yay, its not settling.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

In any case, try not to judge yourself or others for their choice to (or to not) try to R. There are always many factors in play and every situation, even though there are common threads, is different.

I'm trying to R and at this point, I don't need someone to try to tell me I'm wrong for taking that on.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Truly Sad,
I am with you. The bomb was dropped on me 2 weeks ago. My H had 1.5 year affair and told me (eventually got to the real story and what he was saying after a few days) that he is in love with her and not with me.

My default emotion has been red hot anger. As soon as the the true story was revealed, and I realized he was not really trying to even R with me, but try to make it seem like he was confessing and I was ending it....I was done.

There might have been 100 ways he could have handled that would have made me consider R. But, the execution of his plan, how hurtful and disrespectful and immature of him- I thought I don't even know who you have been. Certainly I loved the person I thought you were. But that is not who you are.

But if you could do this to me. If you could cause me this much pain, and our family this much pain. And be so lacking of true remorse and empathy and sooooo selfish. No R. No Way. Never.

Every story is different and everyone has their reasons. It sounds like some people worked really really hard to build something better. If this one played out differently, I might have considered R. But, I am with you that in most cases the person that could do it doesn't deserve you back. Sometimes the damage is too much, too horrible.

I am sorry!

Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

My perspective, as someone who wasn't given the choice about whether to R or not...

I think it depends on what your definition of being in R means.

I have my own idea of what R would need to look like for me to consider it successful and not feel like I was settling.

There are some people who post on SI about being in R, and from my perspective, I say they were settling because what they are accepting is less than what I would be willing to accept. But their standards for R may not be the same as mine.

I do believe that this is someone out there for everyone that will cherish them and be faithful for the entirety of their relationship. So maybe from that perspective, R is settling...

Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2262 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Honestly, I think it's an individual thing. I currently feel like I've settled for less. I don't know if I will always feel that way.... I hope not. I wanted a faithful husband who loved me. He was my first. I gave him my virginity, my love, trust, and everything else that goes along with marriage vows. He tossed that aside. And no matter what he does now, that can't be undone. From my view, our marriage will always be scarred. But I do want to stay with him however. I've seen the shame, regret and remorse in him. If we end up not making it, I want to know that I did everything in my power to save our M. It's the only way I'll have a chance at closure.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I'm not even sure if I consider us in R. I think he does, but the jury is still out for me. If I am able to fully commit to R (and if I didn't have kids I'd be GONE), I will be settling absolutely.

He chose to destroy the marriage that I was so thankful for and proud of. Now the choice I have is to R and have a tarnished marriage (even if all goes perfectly great from here on out, it will ALWAYS be tarnished) with a man I no longer respect or can give myself fully to or ever trust again...or get divorced and break up my family, devastate our kids and our finances and family and friends. Rock meet hard place. Thanks WH, an affair really is the gift that keeps on giving.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Alex CR
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

People are flawed, life is long.

I don't think it's possible to have a lifetime relationship without some kind of scars. Over time life happens and in our case we stopped putting the 'us' in our marriage first moving to the bottom of the long list of kids, family, careers, friends, activities and just trying to manage everyday life.

I never cheated on my H but I sure wasn't always loving and kind to him every year of the past forty we've been together. He chose the road of betrayal. Other couples might deal with gambling, drinking, etc. and find those offenses as horrible and possibly worse than infidelity. None of us know what goes on behind closed doors and those 'happy' marriages we see may also have ugly scars the couples have worked together to heal.

If the WS is truly remorseful and is willing to do whatever it takes to help the BS recover and heal the marriage, I don't think it's's making the decision to do what's necessary to make your relationship one that works for the two of you, together.

Settling to me would be not trying to make it work....sitting back and giving up living with the status quo. I demand more from my H now than I ever did before...and I demand more from myself also.

BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

" sickness and in health, for better or for worse..."

His psyche was sick pre and during the A. In some ways it still is...he's working on it. Our M was definitely made worse as a result of his mental sickness.

No one is perfect. Everyone is going to mess up somehow in a M. Infidelity is in a category all its own...I give you that.

I'm not settling, as my standards are higher than they were pre A. Many behaviors I tolerated pre A are not acceptable anymore. If he can fix those, our M will be better, and I will be happier than pre-A.

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Topic Posts: 38