SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Don't want to be here
byod02
New Member
Member # 40357
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I posted my story in "just found out" and someone suggested I come here to find more people like me. It seems like everywhere I turn, everyone is reconciling, or at least trying to.

I don't have that option and still desperately wish I did.
My husband refuses. So not only did he rip my heart out with an affair, he walked all over it by saying NO, I want a divorce and we will not reconcile.

And it sucks. We were married 11 years, 3 kids. I've been a stay at home mom the whole time. So now my world has been flipped upside down, I'm single parenting, thinking of a job and suddenly without the man I've loved for 16 years, and he's off with his frizzy headed younger woman with bad eyeliner.

Cry me a river, you've all been there.

He's very much a cake eater and still makes comments just about every time we talk about being "confused" or not "knowing what he wants".

It used to give me false hope. Now it just pisses me off. This is not a buffet! This is his family! How could you not want it?!

Obviously he knows what he wants. He has moved out, filed for a divorce and has a girlfriend.

Want it or not...he's getting a destroyed family, a crappy relationship with his kids, a lifetime of regrets and a stupid ho bag that's going to dump him in a few months.

Ugh. A little anger.

Help me through this. I want to look forward to my future, be happy I'm rid of him. Not feel like she won. Because let's face it...a man that cheats on his wife and leaves his family is hardly a prize. She can have him.

I just need to convince myself of that.



Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I know you don't feel that way now, but one day you will be glad that he didn't want to R. Your life and your kids lives have been turned upside down.

Any guy that says they don't know what they want is not worth the effort. He is no prize and she didn't win, she actually lost. She gets the broken man and you will get on with your life without him.

R is hard and almost impossible without a spouse that truely wants it. Be glad that he left and didn't try false R, like so many on the reconciliation forum actually get. I am all for reconciliation, but if the WS is not wanting it and 100% in, they are just wasting more of your time and hurting you more than you already have.

D is hard, but in the end you will see it was for the best. Just hang in there and post alot. You deserve someone that loves you and will love your children. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, August 19th (Monday)

((((HUGS))))

You can pull up a chair next to me. None of us wanted to be here, but since this is our reality we're helping each other through this. I used to feel so resentful & jealous of the others at SI who had remorseful WS's. I never saw that. I wanted to, but it didn't happen for me. I'd read in the R forum and realize that none of what those folks were talking about was happening for me. Sad times...

So, your WS filed? Have you been served? Do you have a lawyer? Do you know your rights in a divorce in your state? Do you have friends and family in your area who can be a support system for you while you figure out what you're going to do?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9715 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Sorry you are here, but this is a good place to land to help get at least some virtual support through the trauma. You will actually find that his unwillingness to R right away will actually be a gift. It has been for me. No false hopes. No false R. Straight to the D. With the decision made, my choice was to get it through as quickly as the law allows so I can move forward with my new, douchebagfree, life.

NatureGirl has asked some really important questions. Start doing your homework to protect yourself legally. Channel that anger positively to your advantage. It will serve you well in the coming months.

All these fucktwits get destroyed families and crappy relationships with their kids, but they are so self-absorbed they don't understand or care.

Hang in there!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
sunshine226
Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Oh how I wish that my WH left and never came back, he spent a year and a half going back and forth between me and OW, and I let him

I kicked him out when I found out and the next day he moved in with her, didnt find this out for sure until a year later, I knew he was living with her but didnt think it was the day after dday

Listening to the I love you, i want to be with you, wish this didnt happen, trying to find a way out, gotta start the end of it with Ow,

hang in there


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
kecampbe
New Member
Member # 40285
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I secretely wished my husband would of been as decisive as yours. I had the joy of doing the "pick me" dance for almost two years because my husband didn't "want" the other women (yes, 2 that I know of) Instead of just admitting he didn't want me, he destroyed my self esteem, caused me to think I was the crazy one, and made me question every move I made. What sucks the most is that he has destroyed our family but yet I'm the one that had to make the decision to leave and pick up the pieces.
I know your situation sucks, but remember you didn't cause it and you can't change it.

NO SOLICITING

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:30 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


Me: 32
WH: 32
DD: 3
Married 5 years
D-Day 1: April 11, 2012 (1st OW) - never really ended
D-Day 2: Oct 2012, last straw was July 8, 2013 (2nd OW)
Status: Separated

Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013
byod02
New Member
Member # 40357
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I guess what's making it so hard at this point is he does still make comments every time we talk about being confused, not knowing what he wants, etc...

And I call BS. His actions definitely say otherwise.

But I'd be lying if I didn't say it gives me a little hope. :(

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:28 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, August 19th (Monday)

It is BS and it's cruel.

Don't let him do it. Cut him off next time he makes a stupid cake eater comment. Kids and finances only or else he will continue to jerk you around and play with your fragile emotions.

Your heart just hasn't caught up with your head yet. That's perfectly normal and part of this crappy process. Keep pushing forward, stick to NC, see a lawyer and set small goals to make steps toward a job and financial independence. You will get there. Things will never be the same, that's true and sometimes very hard to accept. Once you find acceptance and see him for what he really is, you will be glad he didn't try to R.

My exWH was mostly the same. Three years later, I'm still recovering. I'm so thankful for my children and my family and friends. I have a lot to be grateful for. Sometimes, I get stuck in a rut or I start the negative self talk or I get lonely and scared for what lies ahead. But, I can promise you this - no matter how I feel and what sad thoughs run through my head, I would never want him back and I wouldn't trade places with him in a million years. He's with OW and the little fantasy that they thought they created looks like a giant nightmare to me.

Hang in there. It will get better.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2811 | Registered: Jan 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, August 19th (Monday)

As part of my healing I wrote down every single thing I could think of that demonstrated his abuse of me, his cheating, his insanity. Pages & pages & pages, all shared with my lawyer and IC. It was very therapeutic to have it all typed up, easily read & reread, to keep me on track for emotional detaching and continued validation that yes, he was an abusive asshole, and yes, divorce was the only path possible.

Have you tried journaling?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9715 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 9