Just Found Out
User Topic: What do you think of this text?
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Member # 40370
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, August 19th (Monday)

So a little about us. Been married 15+years, 40+ years old, 2 young kids. My wife had an affair back in 2001 before kids. It was horrible, but we survived got back together. Since then, we've had two kids and I've become a stay at home dad as my wife has a pretty crazy work schedule and makes good money.

For the last couple of years, I've felt like things are a little stressed. She wasn't as receptive to more than quickie sex and her work got way busier (most likely linked I know). She also has been pretty sharp w/ me many times.

So given our history, I occasionally wonder if it's due to a new affair. So occasionally, I have skimmed through her text messages. I'm not proud of this, but I found out about the previous affair by being suspicious and checking email.

We have a new ipad and it shows her text messages to other iphones. Today I found this:

My wife: Here is one "I want you to f*** me until I cum all over your hard fat c***."

response: :)

That's all there is. And the quotation marks were in the text. Clearly there's more to the conversation. The name that she's messaging is a female name that I don't know.

I don't know what to think. I can think of several plausible explanations. My wife is not shy and could be talking about good naughty things to say to a husband, but it just seems weird to say that to someone that I've never heard of. Also seems weird that there isn't more kind of like part of the thread was deleted, but she forgot the last bit. Or I don't know.

I'm not going to say anything right now, but will keep my eyes open.

I just wanted to hear if I was being totally paranoid and making trouble out of nothing.

Thanks for listening.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I agree you need more information. Go into stealth mode and carefully start finding what you can. If she is cheating then any of those "plausible explanations" would be thrown at you so fast it would make your head spin.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, August 19th (Monday)

No matter to whom the text was sent, it isn't appropriate.

As to it going to a female? Perhaps the # is listed to a female, versus a male, to throw you off. Not an uncommon tactic.

------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Don't let her know you looked in her phone. Act like every thing is fine. Go into stealth investigation mode. If she has a history of cheating, she may be at it again. I would not give her the benefit of the doubt because she has done it in the past.

But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 620 | Registered: Mar 2003
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, August 19th (Monday)

She is texting a man..but has put him under a woman's name on her phone. It happens all the WH did the same thing.

Im sorry.

Don't say anything. Put a keylogger on her computer,a VAR in her car,and spyware on her phone.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
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Member # 40370
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Thanks. Stealth mode is the answer regardless.

I just feel sick though. I'm trying to cook for the kids because she's at a late meeting and it's hard to not dwell on this crap... which of course brings up all the dirt from years ago.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Wow that sucks. Sure you are overwhelmed right now.
Please focus on you and go into stealth mode. My H had his ap under a friends name in his phone.
So definitely get the password to her cloud acct and learn how to be blind copied on her activities. I think there is a way to do this but not sure how. Spyware on phone computer etc. and lastly a voice activated recorder (var ) in her car.

When you reconciled did she do the hard work of fixing herself or was it rugswept ? If she never really got it and did the hard work of self realization and fixing it then the chance of a repeat a is much higher.
Take care of you focus on that and taking care of the kids. I would also recommend seeing an attorney now. Prepare for the worst possible outcome, that way anything less will be a breeze.
Keep posting here you will find lots of great advice and support.

(((and strength)))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8738 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, August 19th (Monday)

My WH did the same thing, listed OW under a man's name

It is a totally inappropriate text IMO

Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
New Member
Member # 40370
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, August 19th (Monday)

We did a few sessions w/ a shrink, but it didn't really go anywhere.

It was an emotional affair that included sex. The guy had a pregnant wife. Such class.

We separated, got back together for a few months and then separated for the summer. She appealed to me both times to get back together.

Was it rugswept? I don't really think so. She learned about the dangers of friendship turning into more... and I don't know. My head is cloudy. Sorry.

I'll post more later. I need to do the father thing.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Yours wouldn't be the first to use a fake name for an illicit contact, particularly one of the same sex. Call the number from a pay phone if you can find one, or from a hospital emergency room. People will usually pick up for those calls.

Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3698 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Sorry bro---you are in stress city until you find out the truth. And, like some of the others have posted, my XWW did the same thing. She used an old girlfriends name that she hadn't spoken to in years for her fake #. Hang in there!

Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I agree with the others...go in stealth mode. My husband listed the OW as security and she didn't even work in that department. Get the number from your ipad. Call it and see who answers.

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jul 2013
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Member # 40370
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Okay, I just found spydialer. It will let you listen to the outgoing voicemail message for a cell number.

Well, the answering message was a woman with the name on my wife's text.

I also googled the woman's name. She's in a similar profession as my wife so I found a picture.

I've never heard of her.

Hell, I don't know what to think.

I ordered something to check out her phone. Should be here Wed. Maybe that will shed some light.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 19689
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Since it was written with quotation marks, couldn't it be that she's giving "lines" to her friend to use? It says "here's another one". I mean, maybe her friend is not good at sexting! ???

Posts: 88 | Registered: May 2008 | From: South
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Since it was written with quotation marks, couldn't it be that she's giving "lines" to her friend to use? It says "here's another one". I mean, maybe her friend is not good at sexting! ???

The flip side of this is that she could be sharing texts she's received from OM with her female friend.

ETA: To clarify, I meant maybe the texts were ones she's used with OM and were sharing with a female friend.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 5:49 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.

Posts: 6581 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I completely agree with BFForever.

Posts: 1435 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I agree with BFForever, as well.

If it's indeed a woman she's texting (and SpyDialer says it is) and the dirty line had quotes around it, then it would appear she's giving this woman 'hot' things to possibly text to some guy that she's trying to entice (or spicing things up with her hubby, etc. etc.)

She can't be sharing texts she received from some OM because what man would have sent your wife a text claiming that he wants to cum all over her 'fat c*ck?' That scenario doesn't make sense.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1834 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 40370
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

It's the dang quotes that are throwing me off too. Hopefully, you guys are right. Hopefully, I'm just being foolish.

Still, it's hard not to dwell on this.

I did some email digging on the name. 3 years ago, there was a dinner with this woman and some of my wife's partners, but not much since. And again, I don't think my wife has ever talked about this woman. Did she mention her 3 years ago? I don't think so, but who knows?

I guess I was trying to see if there was a friendship between my wife and this friend of the level of that sort of "girltalk."

Hopefully, I'll know more tomorrow night if I get access to her phone.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Or maybe your wife is reading one of the newer trilogies and the woman she is texting is too? The first thing I thought of when I read it was that it sounded like it was straight out of one of the Crossfire books I've been reading. Really naughty stuff in there!

They could be just quoting their fav cheesy line of the day to each other as stupid fun too. ? I hope that's what is happening.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 263 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I don't see any good explaination for why she would be saying this to a woman. I can't imagine that she was talking to a woman about wanting to c** on her c***. That doesn't make sense to me.

I would poke around and see what else you can find and then confront.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Sounds to me like she is helping her friend with some dirty talk.

Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Not sure what to think. But the fact that she didn't come to you and say hey this is what's going on with soinso, instead you have to stumble on it and only partial info, some of its been deleted? Nope rubs me wrong. She has a history of crappy boundaries, one of the main rules of R for 99% of us is NO MORE LIES EVER AGAIN.
I still say spy mode for a bit.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8738 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
New Member
Member # 40046
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I would stay in stealth mode. She could have a Tracfone or similar and could be talking to someone secretly, then sharing those messages. It could explain why you don't have other messages on the ipad. Get a VAR for the car. My hubby got a tracphone so I never saw it coming, since it wasn't on the bill..

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

If you are on alert and don't know why and poked around and immediately found something, I would not dismiss it. Maybe it is her just giving advice to some female friend but without additional context that's speculation. If your wife never talks about this person at all to the point you don't even know her even after digging around... all that shit sets off alarms.

My wife had an affair before we had kids also, and we didn't really handle it right but tried to move forward. 15 years later.. well there you go. Most of that time I gave her privacy and felt guilty if I poked into her stuff. It wasn't until after dday that I realized there's no reason to feel guilty about looking through your wife's shit because there's no reason for her to keep any of that hidden. The question "Why does she not want me to see that" never, ever has a reasonable answer unless it's "to surprise me later" or something similar, IMO.

If you are worried about disrespecting her then talk to her and tell her that her behavior and attitude lately, as well as her hours, have made you feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Don't mention that you've been looking into her shit unless you are prepared for her to go into stealth mode.

Hope it's nothing but prepare for otherwise.

"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

As to it going to a female? Perhaps the # is listed to a female, versus a male, to throw you off. Not an uncommon tactic

My first thought. Call from a payphone or a friends phone and see who answers the number.

It doesn't quite pass the trust test to me. All things added up...I would say go with your instinct.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1214 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I don't want to make this worse with this thought, but... could there be a slight possibility that this female "friend"... is more than just a friend? Has she ever had or mentioned bisexual thoughts or tendencies?

The "@#!$ on your @#!$" text doesn't make sense in that context... until you consider that they could be using, uh, toys. (I'm sorry for the image but there's just no other way to say it.)

I only mention this possibility because it's what happened to me - my XH ended up being involved in same-gender As and I never even suspected that it was possible.

Sorry you're here. I hope you find answers.

XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I am trying to figure out why that type of text would ever be appropriate, even between friends. A boundary has been crossed here and you are absolutely right in being suspicious. If this is a friend of hers that you don't even know, RED FLAG! Friends outside of the marriage should be friends of the marriage. Both of you need to know who each others friends are.

Sorry she put you in this position.

Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
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Member # 40370
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I agree that it's still a little weird. As for her having an affair w a woman, I find that incredibly unlikely.

Hopefully, I'll either know or have some piece of mind soon. I have a few toys in place. Time will tell.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Perhaps she is transgendered? She presents herself as a woman..but she still has male genitalia.

It's possible

ETA: She could be cheating with a woman. On dday I found out my WH cheated with a man. I was completely blindsided. I am not a stupid woman. There were never any signs that he was bisexual. None. But he did. And 3 years still shocks me most days.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:49 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I too support the 'wait and watch' plan. It's something I was never good at and regret now.

Another context to view the text in...

Could this woman and your wife just be gossiping about a mutual acquaintance? For example, "Yeah, he is a (fill in your own adjective). I bet he talks dirty to his wife saying things like...." and your wife has responded likewise with another supposed quote he might say to his wife.

It might be the continuation from a conversation IRL, hence the absence of a thread??

Yes it's lame and unpleasant to gossip but I would not see that as a threat to your relationship. Just a thought.

[This message edited by obliviousnownumb at 9:43 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
New Member
Member # 40370
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

So maybe I jumped to conclusions. My various toys don't point to anything incriminating. So far so good. Please let me just be a jumping to conclusions fool.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

I'm hoping your 'toy' shows the texts in between the two of them haha. Also you could just ask her? If nothing else is coming up, but don't mention her name.

"hey i overheard when I was picking the kids up from school two mums were talking about dirty sexy stuff they should send their parnters"

Do you do that?

etc etc

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

I think what's odd here though is you never hear her mention this woman's name. And she's having a conversation like *that* with someone she never mentions.

Maybe start by finding some way to get her to talk about this woman and see what their friendship is like? Do you know if the woman is married?

Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 33