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Reconciliation
User Topic: One year since D-Day
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Last Wednesday marked one year since D-Day. I had booked a massage for that day (aromatherapy) because I anticipated feeling awful.

I woke up, though, feeling strong and positive. My frame of mind was that we'd made it through a year, and we're still together, and things are going reasonably well--hopeful would sum up my feelings that day.

So I bought flowers to celebrate having made it this far. I told FWH what they were for. This led to a conversation about the A, during which he said something that surprised me:

"When I look at you, I just feel that you see yourself as a loser for having chosen to stay with me."

Wow.

The thing is, I do sometimes feel that way, and I told him so. But, I added, other times I feel that I am very strong to have chosen R--also that the feelings of strength happen more frequently these days than the feelings of being a loser.

"Do you see me as a loser?" I asked. "Do you disrespect me for having chosen to stay with you?" He answered no, not at all.

The conversation ultimately ended well, but I just thought that what he said was (a) insightful, and (b) sad. Sad because I am clearly giving off "I'm a loser to stay with you" vibes, and/or sad because his shame is so deep that he feels unworthy of love and loyalty.

But the massage I'd booked was great. I'm so glad I did that!


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 388 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Congrats on making it one year. Sounds like your husband has done some good work on himself.

That was very thoughtful of you to buy flowers to mark the day.

Yay for the massage, too!


Posts: 6709 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 2