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Reconciliation
User Topic: Self-Sabotage
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, August 19th (Monday)

My husband was a trickle truther. Our last D day was in early July and for the most part my husband has been doing all the right things to help me heal from his EA since then. I truly believe he is sorry. However, because of his TT and the fact that he never volunteered any information..I had to find out things on my own or from the OW, I'm always worried that there's more I don't know. He says there isn't but his word doesn't mean much to me when it concerns the OW. Each version of his story often contradicted the next. This drives me crazy. For example, from day one he tried to say he hid their contact from me because he was uncomfortable working so close with a female. He took this woman out 4 times at 3am behind my back, shared a personal side of his life with her that he shares with very few people and gave her money. A man who is uncomfortable would not do these things. He doesn't like to talk about the details because it always ends in a fight. Which is partly my fault because it doesn't matter what he says to me, I pick it apart and I lose control of my anger. The few times that I have kept my cool, we don't really get anywhere because he remembers the details that make him look better and develops amnesia when I ask a question that would make him look worse or incriminate him more. I need to understand things and all he can give me is "I was wrong. What I did to you was very bad. I'm sorry for hurting you and betraying you. Please give me a chance to prove to you how sorry I am and I how much I love you" I appreciate that but I want details. He feels like I know everything there is to know already.
Even though I don't feel satisfied with the amount of info or details about the EA, I keep moving forward because he is trying so hard in every other area. When I start to relax and find myself beginning to trust him again I get scared and I start to sabotage the progress we've made. I believe there's nothing between them now and I don't worry too much about about them in the present sense. I start looking for more evidence and I go over and over the old evidence. This stirs up my insecurities and I start to pick fights with him over it. Yesterday I found another evidence which I thinks proves they really went out 5 times instead of the 4. I wasn't really even mad that I found more. I was more relieved that I found it now instead of 6 mths later. When I showed him the evidence he automatically said I was wrong. I pointed out that he didn't remember the 4th time so how could he be so sure about that there wasn't a 5th? He's never denied the 4th he just said he doesn't remember if it was 3 or 4 times but if the OW said it was 4 and all my evidence suggests there was 4 then there must have been 4. It was more his contradicting excuse that made me angry than finding out it was 5 times. He said so matter of factly that there wasn't 5 times. Even after I pointed out he didn't remember the 4th so how could he be so sure there wasn't a 5th. I feel like he thinks I'm stupid when says things like this that make no sense and it sends me back to day one.
So after I ruined the evening and I'm laying in bed trying not to cry or throw something at my husband's head, That's when I realize my real issue is that I'm scared to death because things were getting better between us and I was beginning to trust him again. I'm so afraid that there's more and that he's going to hurt me again. I don't know if I can deal with it again. As long as I stay hyper aware,suspicious and don't trust, he can't hurt me again. Does this make sense to anyone? Can anyone relate?

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jul 2013
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Wow, I know where your head is at. My husband is a TT too. I keep finding stuff out and know in my heart that he won't tell me the truth because I have an incredibly bad temper and because he can't stand to cause me anymore pain than he already has. He just doesn't understand how his lying is such a SETBACK. I have begged and begged for the WHOLE TRUTH, but.......
I wish I could give you some advise, but I just can't. My WS tells me I know everything now, but he's been telling me that all along and about 3 weeks ago, I found out more (I am tenacious) and it was the ugliest scene anyone could ever imagine. We are dealing with it but the repercussions will last for months. Do I love him? Yes. Do I trust him? NO.
Do I know everything? I sure hope so. Why oh why can't they understand no matter how much it hurts, we need the WHOLE TRUTH to heal?
Good luck to you. I hope your WS gives it all to you so you can start working on getting through it. I don't know what I'll do if I find anything else out. I suspect I'll call it quits next time.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
lostworld
Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I can completely relate because I've been there done that--a lot. I don't think I stopped actively doing that for 18-24 months after the final dday, and I didn't stop feeling that way for another year at least.

After the first couple of years following dday, I would catch myself starting to work myself up again, but I'd convince myself to first look at all the evidence before me; did I have any current reason to believe my H was being anything other than my true and honest partner? Was my gut screaming or even whispering to me about the current state of things, or was I circling back into the past and reliving all those uncertainties and the ensuing pain? Was I reacting to a date, like an antiversary date or perhaps a bout of PMS hitting me, or was I actually responding to a current situation?

I'd promise myself to really look at the present, and only then would I decide if I needed to open it up for discussion with my H. If I did need to talk about it, he'd listen calmly and support me through it, and the unease would run its course quickly without any drama.

Presently I spend very little time needing to keep a grip on this "self-sabotaging" type of stuff; if I get spooked or squirrelly now, I acknowledge it, do a quick reality check with myself, and move on within a minute or two. It's not gone completely, but how I handle it is much healthier and easier.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2008
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Yes I did this type of self sabotage this morning. Sometimes I think I do it to test where I'm at. I do seem to recover more quickly as time goes by. But I do so hate it and I want to stop it.

[This message edited by whattheh at 2:11 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Hypervigilance, and the illusion of control, is covered best in the book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing."

Highly recommended.

R is hard, Scubachick, and self-sabotage only makes it harder to heal.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Thank you. It helps to know that I'm not alone in feeling like this. Every since I came to this realization, I've been sad for some strange reason. My husband keeps asking what's wrong and it just seems pointless to tell him anymore.

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 6