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Wayward Side
User Topic: Advice, Please?
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

It's 12:XXam here right now, and I have a house full of insomniacs. DS is having issues with being at day care, and I'm wondering if it's some kind of separation anxiety -- perhaps more. Heart's wounds are all reopening in the wake of shifting from a role in the workforce to that of a high-demand student.

I'm scared. Particularly with DS's problems, I'm forced to face a world that I don't have any answers to, let alone "all" the answers. I don't seem to be able to help him where he's at, nor do I understand the problems here well enough to even start.

Heart, while I feel more confident about ways to help her, occasionally spontaneously "reboots." I liken it to the old Nintendo system where games would suddenly pixelate, play a random squelching noise, and you'd be forced to restart.

I guess I'm just venting. If any of you happen to have suggestions, I would love to have them. I told Heart that if I am to be "captain" of this "ship," then I feel it is my duty to be responsible for the well-being of everyone in the house.

I'm scared. More than anything, I'm scared, and the fact that I've shown I can't be trusted -- and that I tend to recoil from reality when things get tough -- seems to be making things worse.

Or maybe it's all in my head. I'm certainly frightened enough of what's been going on to be making mountains out of molehills while declaring the sky is falling...


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 797 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I feel it is my duty to be responsible for the well-being of everyone in the house.

IMO it sounds like you are trying to take on responsibility for things you can not control. I get that, but can you *really* be responsible for everyone's well being? Supportive of everyone, yes, but not responsible.

My 4 YO did the same thing when he started pre-school (right after dday last year). Preschool is a big change for little ones that age, and add to that any stress at home and it makes it harder. It took time for him to settle in, we told the teacher (kind of, not details) what was going on at home (we had separated so our situation was a little different) so they could give him more support when he needed it. Mostly he needed extra care, love and understanding.

Good luck with all of this.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Make sure your own mask is secure and the oxygen is flowing before attempting to assist anyone who may be travelling with you.

You know about triggers, and how the memories can make you feel the same way you did when the trauma occurred right? But those past traumas are not the only thing that can cause those same feelings. When new experiences create feelings, it is natural to try and understand those feelings by relating them to previous times we have felt them, triggering memories of the past events which may amplify the feelings. I suspect this is why the change has been so hard for Heart.

As for DS, whether it is daycare, or starting school, it is a change from the familiar which can trigger either anxiety or excitement depending on the attitude. This should settle down when he gets used to it. I know that by graduation, pretty much all of the kids whether they were nervous or excited on their first day of school, were feeling the same way. I doubt it will take him that long to adapt.

ETA:
I realize that this doesn't really contain any advice, but hopefully you can devise your own coping methods if you can see what problem you are dealing with.

[This message edited by aesir at 6:46 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Taurus517
Member
Member # 37958
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

hey KB,
I'm scared. More than anything, I'm scared, and the fact that I've shown I can't be trusted -- and that I tend to recoil from reality when things get tough -- seems to be making things worse.

I can understand. I feel the same with BS, that if times get hard I would run from reality which is what I did before. Now I feel the same, I keep making things worst by overthinking. You have to just go day by day and let the course take its place. We already made things worst as it is now you have to just stay positive and let things happen without forcing it and finding a solution. If you over think then that becomes stress and that will lead to a recoil. I understand you are going through a lot with DS and BS, but always keep a positive head on and look forward.


Me: WS 31
A : 17 months
Her : BS/WS 26 (ShockedErica11)
A: 3 months
DD : 3
Relationship : 4
Married : 2
DDay : November 2012
Her DDay : June 2013

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Chamblee
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Thanks, guys.

I think I just needed to hear, in clear and certain terms, that some of these things are beyond my control and worrying about them only compounds the matter.

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 797 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 5