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User Topic: revenge??
EmotionalFool
Member
Member # 37362
Stop  Posted: 7:05 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I want OMs to suffer... cant divert my mind today

I am consumed with revenge strategies.... they cant get away with this


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
FR2012
Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

You know for the longest time, I wanted OM to suffer as well. I wanted to somehow get revenge on him.

Honestly though, OM(s) are not worth your thought. I know it's easier said than done. But you have to stop thinking about them. They will get what they get. I know that sucks but it is what it is.

You need to stop stressing yourself out about this. You need to focus on you and your marriage not what the OM(s) are doing and how you feel they need to suffer.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Yeah it sucks that they get away with no ramifications. However it is out of your hands.

What I found, after a few revenge fantasies, is that he isn't worth my time and energy.

Entertaining these thoughts gives a lot of time and energy to him.

Time and energy that could be given elsewhere. To my relationship, to my kids, to my healing and recovery.

Hell, it would be better spent on painting my nails.

Try and let it go.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Finally10
Member
Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I think the veteran posters would tell you that engaging in mental fantasy, even those that involve punishment or revenge against your AP is not a good thing. If you're truly dedicated to recovery and reconciliation, you simply can't allow your AP to occupy your head space or consume energy that should be directed to your own and your BH's healing.

Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

why do you care?


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
EmotionalFool
Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Why do you care?

Its not fair. They were equal contributors. I never really did think what they must be thinking about CL. Sad but true. And now when I look at it the complete disrespect and the mockery towards him makes me really mad.. really angry ..
Why do CL and I should be the ones who suffer?? Why not them?? Why should they go on living their happy life??

And I know I am responsible for all this .. but I am just not in the mood today

I want them punished…

I want them to apologize to CL .. and to me ..


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I want them to apologize to CL .. and to me ..

What about the harm you did to them?

It's another layer of this.

As part of my 12 step process, I'm looking at the harm I've caused to others. Everyone in my life, not just my BS.
This includes AP's. I used them. I caused a lot of harm. Hell, I caused one to step out of our 12 step fellowship. That means he could die from drug use. This isn't being dramatic, addiction is no joke.

It's not fair, nothing about this is.

How's your anger level towards yourself? It can be easier to get angry at someone else than yourself.

This reminded me of one time when Chicho was ready to leave. I tried so hard to be angry at him. But there was no reason to be. It was my fault. I was trying to make myself feel better by trying to play the victim.

[This message edited by broevil at 10:59 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Does CL deserve an apology? Of course. From you. And you want them to apologize to you? For what? You chose them. They just went along for the ride. Ultimately, they were just pawns in your game. I know you're pissed and not in the mood today so what I'm saying is probably going to piss you off more but that's a risk I'm willing to take. IMO, I think this rage you are feeling towards the OM's is really a projection of the anger you feel towards yourself. Being mad at them doesn't change the situation you're in - if anything, it makes it worse because here you are, after all you've done to CL, giving energy, time, and head space to OM's. All that time, energy, and head space should be put to better use - i.e., towards you and your husband.


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I want them to apologize to CL .. and to me ..

That will likely never happen.

My AP did apologize to me (but never to XH). It was hollow and meaningless. He spouted the classic philosophy of "If things are so great at home, people don't cheat" so he didn't even think he did anything wrong.

And, honestly... he didn't owe me an apology. The responsibility for upholding my marriage vows was mine.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
stupidgurl
Member
Member # 36763
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I don't ever even think of OM anymore, he gets no more of my time, not bad thoughts nor good. He has hurt my M enough, no need to linger on him when I need to be thinking about my BH, my M and my kids like I should have been doing in the first place.


me WW-31
him BH- 31

2002/3 (him) EA

PA(me)-Nov 2007

R


Posts: 128 | Registered: Sep 2012
stupidgurl
Member
Member # 36763
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Also, I don't care what happened to him. If his life is great now, he is back with his wife and being a better dad to his kids, then good, he will not come after me again. If he is doing shitty, then too bad so sad far him. It concerns me not one little bit. I never cared about him why start now.


me WW-31
him BH- 31

2002/3 (him) EA

PA(me)-Nov 2007

R


Posts: 128 | Registered: Sep 2012
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Those men could not have done anything to you unless you allowed them. If you stumble, whose fault is it? The ground you were walking on or the path you took?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
EmotionalFool
Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

They just went along for the ride.

But they did.. didn’t they?? Where are their consequences for that??

I am not saying they were responsible for what I did. I am tired of stating I know I did this. But I cant shake off the feeling of injustice.

There one thing that makes me mad. The so called “friend” smirked at CL. Mocked him. THAT makes me angry. It adds another level of mind fuckery for CL.
I know I fucked up but I will not own their choices. And they had choice too…. Where are their consequences??

I want to blow OM#1’s world too and then mock and smirk at him ..

You cant mess with my world and then go on living as if you did not do anything wrong ever.


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

How do you know they are going on with their lives with no consequence? Again, what does it matter? Bottom line - it shouldn't matter.


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
trytoforgive
Member
Member # 27330
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I get it. For about a year after d-day, I thought the OM got off easy and got to go live his life consequence-free. I was pissed. My world had come crashing down around me and he got to walk-away scot-free because my H didn't want his BW to know. I was scraping, begging, crying, holding my H, writing out timelines, speaking the truth that made my mouth burn, and the OM had to do none of that. I almost called his BW and told her after about 8 months... But I didn't. It's not what my H wanted, and I needed to respect his wishes....

My AP was our friend. That made it so much worse for my H. I know that. But his consequences are no business of mine. I destroyed my own self. He was just the tool I used to do so. I understand fleeting moments- even days- of feeling like this. But don't live there. His consequences are none of your concern. Your consequences are your concern. Your BH's consequences are your concern. The more time you spend thinking about him, the more you think about him.

It's hard to exorcise a demon that you keep inviting in...

[This message edited by trytoforgive at 5:02 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


Me- W 38
Him- H 40
Long time lurker...Sometimes poster...
DDay 8/14/2009

DD 15
DS 10


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2010
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I destroyed my own self. He was just the tool I used to do so.

This right here EF. This is what you are not understanding. You did it and you used others to betray yourself and you want to be angry at the tools you used to do it with. That is useless. A waste of time. You are doing this because you want to deflect the anger you feel for yourself. Your time and energy are better spent elsewhere.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I like sugar. A lot. Ok, I love it. But when I indulge myself, I get fat. Do I scream and yell, stomp my foot, throw the sugar all over the kitchen, and blame it for making me fat?

I picked it up, I partook. Sugar was just laying there. I walked by, touched it, smelled it, thought about it, and bit into it.

The consequences of my indulgence are acne, tight jeans, and feeling cruddy. Who do I blame? Sugar? Or me?

EF, do you want to know why you're here? Look in the mirror. Not in your mind's memory at images of the OM. Look at yourself. The longer you deflect, the longer it takes to heal.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6174 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

"Don't you dare take the lazy way. It's too easy to excuse yourself because of your ancestry. Don't let me catch you doing it! Now -- look close at me so you will remember. Whatever you do, it will be you who do.”

John Steinbeck was a genius. It starts and ends with you, EF. Conspirators only matter with the law. In life our toxic choices were a fait accompli before any others were involved.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
TimeToManUp
Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

In our case, I try my hardest to not think about It (the OW) at all. I am confident that It will get It's comeuppance. TCD on the other hand wishes a bed of razor blades and a shower of acid upon It.


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
EmotionalFool
Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)


Why does it look like I am disowning my responsibility?
I know I was fucked up enough to let them enyter my life but does that discount their actions??
 
There are just so many levels to this. I struggle with being with myself. I struggle with CL’s injustice. And yes that includes punishing me too.
 
I thought hard and I concluded that if they ask for forgiveness or repent what they did would do me no good. I want to have similar impact on them. I want them to suffer and concept of suffering is different for everybody. If somebody kills me today that would a huge favour to me. I am confident if I put enough time and energy I would figure out a way to make them suffer.
 
But everytime I talk myself out of it thinking not worth my time and energy. But that leaves me with a sense of helplessness. And that makes me angrier.
 
I need to know why I am sparing them and feel empowered. “Not worth my time and energy” doesn’t really work for me as I m using my time and energy to talk me out of this.  

I struggle with idea of fair and justice in respect to whole situation and CL is the one who pays the price for no fault. Dieing would be easier


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Dieing would be easier

I felt this way for a bit.

It would.
It would have gotten me out of feeling all this guilt and shame, anger, disappointment in myself.
It would have gotten me out of having to do the hard work of healing myself.
It would have gotten me away from the pain on chicho's face.

You notice that these are ALL ABOUT ME.

The ultimate escape. Run away, hide these were my coping mechanisms for too long.

I am confident if I put enough time and energy I would figure out a way to make them suffer.


I'm sure you could.

But why?

I wanted them to suffer too, for a minute.
But I said fuck it, and let it go.

No one is discounting their actions, but it really is out of your hands.

The sooner you let this go, the sooner you can move on with your healing. IMHO.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

The longer you continue to think like this the longer you keep them involved in your M.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

^^^ Bingo!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

EF,

If karma came and knocked this guy in the head, you still wouldn't be happy. Why? Because you would find fault with whatever happened to him.

If he bought a brand new sports car, pulled out of his driveway, and got hit by a bus, you would feel the punishment wasn't good enough because he only suffered a broken arm and bruised face from the airbag. Sure his car is totaled and he's in pain, but he didn't "suffer enough".

If he died in a home invasion, you would feel slightly better that he was dead, but then you'd be pissed because he's dead, his life is over, and you're still stuck with the consequences of your affair.

Look. Doesn't matter. Really doesn't.

The chances of the OM apologizing to CL are non-existent. And I guarantee you, even if they did, he wouldn't feel any better about the fact his wife was fucking around. Somehow "I'm sorry" from the OM just doesn't quite cut it.

My husband doesn't want to see or hear anything from my OM. Ever. At all. The best thing for him is that we are all NC and he doesn't have to worry about some douche canoe showing up on our doorstep, a text on my phone, or an email in Outlook. NC, NC, NC. Physical and mental.

I am confident if I put enough time and energy I would figure out a way to make them suffer.
I am confident if you keep putting this much time and energy into vengeance on the OM, CL will walk. Your focus is completely in the wrong place. It should be on YOU and your actions. Not OM. CL didn't marry them. CL married you. And he deserves a wife that will get to the bottom of her "whys", who is NC with the OM, who is 100000% in the marriage, and is committed to healing the relationship. That EF, is what you need to be putting your time and energy into.

Dieing would be easier
For who? You? What are your reasons? We don't need to see them here. But you need to think about that. I think once you list them, you'll realize that that's an incredibly selfish way to think.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6174 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Good to read this thread. Very good wisdom being dispensed. VERY.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I am confident if I put enough time and energy I would figure out a way to make them suffer.
this is crazy making - you know that right? Does CL know you spend an inordinate amount of time & energy thinking about your xOM's? How do you think that makes him feel?
The longer you continue to think like this the longer you keep them involved in your M.
BINGO. I'm sure CL ain't too keen on this notion. In fact, I believe if you stay on this path, you will lose your husband. You are on a very slippery slope here - be careful.


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

EF, do you feel helpless in your current situation? It's very common to feel anger when feeling helpless and looking for blame externally is easy when we feel we can't fix shit ourselves.

You can, though. It may be hard and it may be scary, but you can fix this yourself. The shadows you're boxing are part of your past. You are the only reality in the present. You are the only one you can control. You have the power to do just that.

Start. Take steps. Talk with CL. If you have a job focus on that if not focus on getting one. Start living your life instead of spinning shit around in your brain. Actions take multiple resources. You'll find your plate full on just you. No need to faff about with others.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
EmotionalFool
Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Thanks all for having so much of patience with me.

I don’t really spend days and nights thinking about this.. maybe couple of hrs in a month. When I am really pissed off. And when that happens I focus on *if I hadn’t let them in my life their existence wouldn’t matter to me.* which makes me angrier at myself and the whole situation.

Its true that no amount of their suffering would be good enough and death will be too easy for them.

I had no idea he was mocking CL. Everytime I think about it, it hurts all the more. I cringe thinking CL was put in that position bcz of me. I guess I just want to give a message loud and clear “You messed with wrong people”

I do discuss it with CL whenever I am way overwhelmed with these thoughts. The reason I even posted was bcz I truly want to move forward from this point and not coming back to it again and again.

If I am not seeking revenge I need to be ok with why not. Right now I feel like a wuss. That somebody can come, blow our world and I wouldn’t even retaliate.

And before anybody points it out .. yes I know I blew it but they helped. It wouldnt have been possible without that.

[This message edited by EmotionalFool at 11:48 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 28