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Reconciliation
User Topic: What book needs to be written about infidelity?
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

For those book-people out there, I am curious what area of infidelity you think either hasn't been adequately covered in a book, or maybe needs a book all of its own? One thought I had was double betrayals, as that happened to me and it doesn't get covered very much. But also, I am finding as we are almost 3 months into this, that I am hungry for some deeper-level material (along the lines of How Can I Forgive You) and I am not finding a lot of it. So, since I am a writer, I thought I might tackle it myself.

Another thought is a book of compiled stories of couples who have successfully reconciled.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I know what you mean. My WS decided that BDSM was a turn on. He found some interesting websites and started some cyber affairs. I apparently found out (I can't remember any of this) and one night I caught him at it and accused him of cheating etc. Then, I conveniently forgot about it. Honestly, I do not remember this at all. He stopped for a few days and then went right back at it. He too was confused that I didn't mention it anymore after that weekend but decided, why not let sleeping dogs lie. Wish I had remembered. Anyway, after a time, he decided why not meet someone. Thus started a 6 mos affair - they ended up going their separate ways - the OW was really F...ed up.
He felt terrible guilt, but not enough as a few weeks later he was at it again and found someone else and they had a 3 year affair. This time, they connected emotionally as well. My WS is not a sex addict - he liked the BDSM aspect of it. When we talk about it, he says he was a runaway train....couldn't be stopped. They only met up every couple of months and they had a 14 mos break as she wanted something permanent and he didn't....though at one time he did try to leave me but decided he really did love me??????? and couldn't/wouldn't leave. Anyway, after 14 mos, I went to NYC and he decided to hook up with her again and it started again...naturally.
After a crisis at his work, he quit his job and ran away to live with her. It lasted 11 weeks. She had 3 kids and he knew even when he left that it wasn't what he wanted. He just was so "in hate" with everything in his life, he wanted to RUN RUN RUN. and that's what he did.
There is nothing that covers this type of thing. I've read books about cyber affairs, sex addicts (he's not) etc, but nothing covers this story. Don't know if it would relate to anyone else though.
He is really working on being a better H and feels so disgusted with himself. It all started with us emotionally detaching from each other during some very difficult times in our lives.
Sucks. I never had a clue. I really believed he was going to poker games etc. I got strange phones calls during the late evenings and a letter once, but knew in my heart that my WS would NEVER do something like that. Would never cheat NEVER.
Foolish Me.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

written from the perspective of a WS who believes he/she wants to change but for whatever reason, can't get unstuck from their pattern.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Good question, bionicgal!

Not sure if there is a book written about this but I would read one that centers on how the A effects the family 10+ years post A.

* How the couple, assuming they're still M'd and R'd, has accepted their "new normal" all those years later.
* How the children have progressed into adulthood, what their thoughts are now on what they witnessed back then, are they still bitter, what is their relationships like with their parents, etc.
* Did the BS or the WS regret staying in the M?
* How did their lives change?

I would read a book about that...


Posts: 1970 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

"Letters from the fog". I'd read that.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
roses303
Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I'd read something on double betrayals. I know as one who is trying to deal with one, I find that overcoming the pain is twice as hard. Thoughts of the OW and the lost friendship are just as painful as the dealing with the damage to the marriage. And I have yet to find something out there that deals with this issue.

Even our MC forgets sometimes that what we are dealing with is different. She has sometimes mentioned that I need to move on and realize that I wasn't a factor in the A. That in most cases the AP doesn't even consider the BS. But then she steps back and realizes that in my case that might not be true. With a double betrayal there is a good chance that the OW is thinking of the BS and there may be more involved psychologically than the fantasy of the affair.

A book addressing the possible motivations of a double betrayer would maybe make easier for someone who has been betrayed to understand.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

There aren't a lot of book dealing with your spouse cheating on you with a same sex partner..and HOW to come to terms with ALL that entails..I read one shortly after dday..and it pretty much told me to give up,he is gay. (He says he was curious. I think he is bisexual. But I also know he loves sex with me,so I don't think he is gay.)

My entire situation is more common than people realize(cruise through your local CL,casual encounters,MFM section..many,many,many married men are looking to hook up with other men), but for some reason,no one understands how to handle it..without saying the WH has to be gay..or without saying their BW is a blind fool.

I love my husband..and he loves me. We are trying our best to get through this shit. It would be nice if there were some really GOOD,helpful books that could help me through it.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Like Sportsfan, I've found that there isn't much material for those a few years down the road. What's normal in year 6, for example. Much of it has to do with the immediate triage of the situation, and maybe the first year. I think there could be some thing addressing long term recoveries. Although one would assume that would require some research as I don't know how much is out there.

I'd also like to see a book to STOP people from cheating. Maybe this would be titled, "I love you but I'm not in love with you: Early warning signs you are about to act like a giant doosh." And we would pass a law in every state that people had to read it in high school. lol


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I'd also like to see a book to STOP people from cheating. Maybe this would be titled, "I love you but I'm not in love with you: Early warning signs you are about to act like a giant doosh."

I was thinking exactly this. Although I hadn't come up with a clever, LOL-worthy title yet.

I want to see a book with the same title as the Carrie Underwood song: "Before He Cheats." Or she. A book that people can read before they do something incredibly stupid and life-altering.

Chapter 1: DON'T FUCKING CHEAT ASSHOLE!!


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Love rebreathers title!

I also like the ideas of memoirs from the fog.

And I also like reading about real examples of couples who have endured adultery...and see where they are at 5, 10, 15 years down the road.

Bionicgal...I like the deeper meaning books too, as well as those with concrete steps and examples on how to navigate this minefield of destruction.

God be with you.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4008 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

What book needs to be written about infidelity?

Trust yourself!

Things don't have to be "complete shit" before you part ways, gracefully.

If you stay when you need to go, ambivalence and limbo is deadly to you soul. Self-doubts are crippling. Never doubt yourself.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Love the ideas so far! I have always been interested in self deception, so the letters from the fog is right up my alley.

On a more positive note, I think we could all use positive-role- model stories of couples who made it, and how it changed their marriage/family.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:38 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

There are books written by couples a few years down the line who have been affected by infidelity as I was given a copy of 2 to read in the early days of dday. I gave them back as it was too early in this mess for me but can get the titles if anyone wants them.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jul 2009
learningtofeel
Member
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

We have just discovered a book by Gabor Mate called In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. It's about people with drug addictions in the most poverty-stricken parts of Vancouver, BC, but it's also about how childhood trauma leads to addictive behaviors of all sorts. My WH is identifying very strongly with some of the messages of the book, reluctantly so, but in a healthy way. I haven't started the book yet but I am looking forward to it. I suspect it will be a hard but very helpful read to understand FOO stuff and how my H was able to do some of the things he did. My WH is not a sex addict, but he does struggle with addictive tendencies and had a pretty crappy FOO including a dad with many affairs that the family knew about.

The book is not about infidelity, but it still might be a useful one to add to the library of healing books.


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I would read something modern about cyber affairs- dating websites, CL, porn, skype.

I agree with others here, I would love to read something from a WS perspective from the fog.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
carnelian
Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I'd like to read about the types of people and relationships that are touched by infidelity. Whether it's heterosexual, same sex, transgender, open, poly-amorous, etc. This stuff can happen to anyone in pretty much any type of relationship. Some books touch briefly upon the subject, but I'd like one to really get into the various ways we negotiate relationships with ourselves and with others in order min/max happiness, security, sadness, pain, etc and how there are no really failsafe ways to protect ourselves from infidelity. Sort-of like Mythbusters for human relations.

[This message edited by carnelian at 12:26 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 564 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
mindbody
Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I'd like a book about the true meaning of "friends of the marriage/relationship."

It would include chapters about boundaries in our social circles, respecting your friends commitments to one another, and maintaining professionalism in the workplace.

Another chapter would deal with the resulting double betrayals of having an affair with a friend, family member, coworker, neighbor, etc.

Another chapter dealing with said people who know that the affair is going on and how to be truthful and authentic and friends of the marriage/relationship.



Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2010
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

YES This!:

"I love you but I'm not in love with you: Early warning signs you are about to act like a giant doosh."

And my favorite: "I didn't love you enough".

Hopefully, we will be THAT couple, the one who survives. So far, so good, 3 years, 1 day after DD, (but it still sucks!)

[This message edited by fourever at 12:48 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
AStar
Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

The one that tells you not to have an A. One that tells you that although your secret A is exhilarating, you may/can be found out and that it causes devastation to your spouse.
One that makes you seriously think about your actions before you embark on an A that wrecks multiple lives.


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

* How the couple, assuming they're still M'd and R'd, has accepted their "new normal" all those years later.
* How the children have progressed into adulthood, what their thoughts are now on what they witnessed back then, are they still bitter, what is their relationships like with their parents, etc.
* Did the BS or the WS regret staying in the M?
* How did their lives change?

100 percent.

Also, I've read the 12 step book and have struggled with alcohol. It would be nice to see a book formatted based on the 12 step book and discussing basic trends and including different true stories form waverly and betrayed spouses.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 778 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I am so impressed with these ideas. So many smart and thoughtful people here.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
livvylou
Member
Member # 26697
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

A book I read recently about a reconciled couple is Beyond Ordinary by Justin & Trisha Davis. They are a Christian couple (he is a pastor) that struggled with infidelity, have reconciled, have 3 boys, & want to help others.
It was an interesting read for me, as it is the most similar to my life.


BS Me WS Him
R & doing well♥ (Dday 7/09 R 8/09)
The only thing more impossible than staying is leaving.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Dec 2009
MoreWould
Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

Letters From the Fog would be good, but I think it' s a big section in the mythical Wayward' s Handbook. If I ever find a copy of the WH, I'll personally finance the reprint.

Every BS and WS could benefit but the folks who really need to read it probably won't. That would be everybody tempted to go off the rails, get married, or get out of bed in the morning.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 11:47 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
yousaid4ever
Member
Member # 32626
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Still-Living; I like your idea about the 12 Step book. I CHOSE to deal with my WH several affairs by denial, over-eating, pain pills and alcohol. I'm in recovery now, for myself, but wonder if I would have had these addictions if I had not had to try and cope with WH affairs. A book about how other BS coped would be an interesting read,


I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?......Pink

BS(me)55...STBXWH 55
Married 37 yrs/4 grown children, 5 grandchildren
DD's-10/75; 10/80; 09/92; 12/09; 12/10; 03/11...more?


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Utah
ccw82
Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I would write a book called, "Choice and Consequences" for those considering cheating on their spouses. It would be a preventative book that would highlight real-life consequences faced by WSs (and of course their BSs), and urge potential WSs to go into counseling BEFORE the A!!!

Or we could name it the much less subtle, "Don't F-ing Cheat, Dumbass!"


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I definitely like the "before you cheat" book, but it would have to be titled and marketed very creatively.
Obviously there's a huge segment of people who think they would never cheat and therefore wouldn't pick up the book in the first place.
Maybe a title like "Something just isn't right."
Or " A short guide to fooling yourself"
Maybe " Before you regret it"
Or " What you're not telling your spouse."
Or even title it with phrases that Ws's use when they're starting to go into the fog.
"I deserve to be happy too."
"You don't make me happy, but they will."
"I would never do that to you"
"Don't you trust me?"
"We're just friends"
"No one has made me feel this way before."
"It must be love."
"I can't help myself."
It would be difficult to market to that niche who is right on the edge, because they are already starting to rationalize the thought of having a relationship outside the marriage. They may not see what they are thinking will cause all these consequences.
One thing my WS has said over and over again is that he didn't think about the consequences of what he was doing. He was high on that feeling and just felt like things would work out and take care of themselves.
Obviously a pre-Affair book would have to be strongly worded yet smooth, and also have plenty of very specific examples and personal stories of people and how they've been affected by infidelity.
It could be very interesting.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Steppenwolf
Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Sci-Fi
Anyone who is unfaithful turns into a zombie and eventually dies... Unless

They go to IC, MC, get 180'd, spend countless hours of their days reading an online forum for those affected by infidelity, work on their whys, write their timelines, become emotionally available, avoid any TT etc.
Only after all of this, and continuous work might they have a chance of becoming a non-zombie again. Possibly even a better, more authentic human.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
ccw82
Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Oh! I just thought of another pre-cheating title:

"Not Worth It!"


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Topic Posts: 28