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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: I do not know what to say to him....
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)


He sent me an email this morning telling me he has to travel ASAP for "work". I do not know if this is true or not. He asked me if his daughter (17) could stay with me while he is traveling. Her friends offered but he thought I would be a better choice. I do not know how long he will gone only that it will be at least the weekend. I like her and we are fine together but I have started packing up the stuff and he doesn't know. I know she will tell him and I don't want him to know.

What do you guys think I should do?


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Is this an ex or a boyfriend? Not sure of the background before I throw my two cents in.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)


Married almost 5 years. Together a total of 13. Separated on June 25th. His OW is a woman he works with and travels for work with.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)


Oh yeah I am gone from the house for about 11-12 hours a day and she only has school for 2 hours a day


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Very simple: "No; I have other plans."


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20018 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I would tell him that you don't feel it is appropriate for you to be her 'guardian' when she is going to be alone without supervision for such long periods of time. I have no idea what kind of teenager she is, but even the good ones can get into trouble from time to time...lol.

That and I would not be doing anything to make his life easier for him to spend time with his OW, as this is probably the case.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I feel guilty saying No. I feel bad for her but I just don't know


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Very simple: "No; I have other plans."
Ditto Sad.

Two questions:
1. Are you and WH still living in the same house?
2. Does his DD live with you guys?

If she doesn't live in your home full time, I wouldn't feel terribly guilty about saying no. He is the parent and it is ultimately HIS responsibility to make arrangements for his DD. I think he's got a giant pair to think it'd be ok to use you as a built-in babysitter while he goes off on a "business trip" likely with OW.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - R looks possible..

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6357 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)


I do not feel I owe it to him. The guilt stems from her. I have a good relationship with her and if we were divorced I would say sure no problem. Its this interim period where I am trying to not get sucked in and am putting distance between us.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Ugh ... tough decision. If you are away from home for 10 - 12 hours a day, then it would be irresponsible for you to accept responsibility for his child. If something should happen, do you have power of attorney?


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Oct 2012
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Think of it from the 17yr old's perspective then.
Her friends (parents) have offered to let her stay there?
What 17yr old do you know would rather be with a step-parent (albeit one with which you have a good relationship), than hang out with friends?!

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 5:08 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - R looks possible..

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6357 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

How about:

"Since I am away from home a lot and already have plans in place, I cannot have her stay with me. However, please tell her that she can call me if she has an emergency while staying with her friend."


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4033 | Registered: Sep 2005
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

^^Boom. Perfecto.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 2:50 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - R looks possible..

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6357 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Thank you for all the advice. I truly appreciate it


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

My stepdaughter called and asked to stay with me. She said its only two nights because she has other stuff planned. it was thursday night and maybe sunday night so against all the advice I said ok. I figured its only a couple of nights.

Well I spied I wanted to find out if it is a romantic getaway. It wouldn't change my decision because she asked me and as I told you I already felt guilt because of her but wow was I not expecting what I found.

He booked an airline ticket to be gone for just about two weeks. I couldn't believe it. So he is going to go away and then pretend to have to get an extension and have to stay longer. I don't want him to know I spied so how do I use this to my benefit?

I am pretty sure I would not have agreed for two weeks. I feel so stupid for thinking it would be a few dayes Hindsight tells me it would be longer. I am so mad at myself and at him for the lie.

So help me be better prepared for the email extending. I of course can say no can do. This new trip actually extends into Labor Day weekend where I could have plans to go away but I don't. He is such a lying manipulator it bugs me that I haven't filed for divorce yet.

However this will come up again and as I said I feel bad for my stepdaughter.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I would go with what Tearsoflove posted... He doesnt need any other explanation...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1783 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 16