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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: How much do you want to know?
Sparkles
Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

If you are getting divorced, do you still want to know all the details of the affair?

I have been able to piece together a very general timeline - enough to know we are through. If we were reconciling I would want to know everything, but we aren't. And I don't want to know a million more hurtful things that will bounce around in my mind, keep me up at night and making me angry and bitter.

There is no "right" or "wrong" approach to this, but sometimes I wonder if I know everything and go through the additional hurt is that somehow more healing? Am I protecting myself at the cost of personal growth?


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: NW
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I have been able to piece together a very general timeline - enough to know we are through.
This is EXACTLY where I stopped. Didn't need to know anything else. And 18 months past the D being final, I haven't once regretted not having the whole picture (whatever the hell that might be).


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25835 | Registered: Aug 2011
Sparkles
Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Thanks NIK!

That's how I feel too. I need to embrace that.

I think some of it is relating it to having been so completely blindsided when he gave the ILYBNILWY speech that sometimes I worry this is more hiding from the truth. I hate feeling stupid because I trusted so completely. Somehow it's tied together...


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: NW
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I want to know everything. If I could watch a movie which captured my entire relationship with STBX and the things he did, I'd watch it. It used to severely torture me that I would never know. I'm more at peace with that now, but I'll never have full peace at not knowing. I have uncovered such staggering lies & deception, I'll never believe I've found out all there is to know.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9852 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I WANT to know, but I also realize I will never know all the details. Even without actively searching bits and pieces keep hitting me, and it is like pouring more salt in an open wound, but my mind works analytically. Puzzle pieces need to fit in my mind to put it at rest. I don't stress over NOT knowing, but I will be forever wondering (in a passive way) because that is just the way I am wired. Comes with being OCD and very detail-oriented.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 3:24 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
mom of 2
Member
Member # 11214
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

This is very individual and you're right that there is no right or wrong answer. Only you know what is best for you. Having said that...

I want to know everything. If I could watch a movie which captured my entire relationship with STBX and the things he did, I'd watch it. It used to severely torture me that I would never know. I'm more at peace with that now, but I'll never have full peace at not knowing. I have uncovered such staggering lies & deception, I'll never believe I've found out all there is to know.

I totally agree with Nature Girl. For me, not knowing the details has truly hindered my healing.


Me: BW
Divorced after 23 years of M thanks to XH's truth trickle.
Status: Recovering and healing. It's going to be a long hard road.

Update November 2013: It only took seven years but I finally turned a corner. :)


Posts: 13326 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: The suburbs of hell
jtom
Member
Member # 35322
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Iam with Nature Girl on this. I want to know everything. It will be three years in March since I divorced my WW, after finding out about her LTA with a co-worker.I found out well, a lot mainly, from the OM betrayed wife when I outed the affair. But still , there was a lot I didnt find out. My STBEXWW was not forthcoming with hardly any information. Many will not understand this an say just to forget about it an move on. But there are "things" that I have a need to know. I guess its a way for me to get some of my past back that I now know was a lie.


ME(BH)HER(WW)LTA AT WORK.DISCOVERED AUGUST 2010. TWO SONS.DIVORCED HER. "THE BEST PREDICTER OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR"

Posts: 94 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: somewhere in texas
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I know that his AP was a sick and sad woman with a lot of issues like drugs and losing custody of her kids, who made it CLEAR to Ex that she wasn't in a "relationship" with him and told him not to mess up his marriage.

She was a nasty and cheap whore who was just looking for attention and some money. I know that in exchange for one of their sexual encounters she asked for a pizza.

I know that my Ex is such an emotionally immature idiot that despite her being pretty damn clear on how she viewed what they had going on, he thought that sex meant she wanted a serious relationship with him.

I know that he asked her to move in with him and she turned him down. He was particularly nasty to me during that time and I thought the anger was guilt but later found out it was him being rejected and having no one to stroke his little ego (or anything else! )

I know that SHE cut off contact with HIM and if she hadn't he would still be wearing that evil little smirk he wore when he came to get his stuff and he *thought* it was the beginning of his new life with a fresh victim.

I know that he is probably the biggest idiot I've ever encountered and putting the pieces that I have together makes ME feel an idiot because I spent 10 YEARS with someone with the emotional maturity of a preteen at best.

Every additional piece is another blow to my self-esteem because it shows just how poorly I picked. I don't want any more details. All I've put together and found out about so far has been more pathetic than I could have ever imagined.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I used to want to know, but I find that each new piece of the puzzle just causes more pain.
Ex: he went to "a meeting" on his 50th birthday. I always knew he didn't go there, and it killed me not to know. On his 51st birthday, I asked and he admitted who he was with. Even though I was happy to finally know, it hurts more now than when I didn't know.
Also, I am so friggin tired of running into ghosts. I should try to count up the names I hate, number of songs I switch off when I hear, cities I hate, hotel chains I hate, restaurants I thought were ours that aren't.....
I am definitely a need to know every detail person. But now that it's over, I really don't see how getting answers to those nagging questions will help me. You may experience something different. Chew on each new piece of info as it comes in and after the initial peace, see if it makes you feel worse.
(((Sparkles)))


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Stbx is a serial-cheater.
The only additional information that I feel useful to me at this point in time is the extent of his cheating with any woman that I know (vast majority of his cheating occurred in places far away from here with 'strangers') and the level of involvement of any of the people in my 'circle of friends' -- such as who knew, how much did s/he know, and did that person play a part in encouraging the cheating.

So basically, I would take information that I can use to evaluate and gauge what relationships I 'keep' going forward and which ones I let go of. I've pretty much completely distanced myself from any person that was a 'joint' friend already, though......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8109 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I want to know everything. If I could watch a movie which captured my entire relationship with STBX and the things he did, I'd watch it. It used to severely torture me that I would never know. I'm more at peace with that now, but I'll never have full peace at not knowing. I have uncovered such staggering lies & deception, I'll never believe I've found out all there is to know.
This is me. Everyone tells you to let go and move on and don't worry about it and there are some things that you don't need to know, but I do. I want all the answers. And I may never get them.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3427 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I'd like him to admit what he did. Gaslighting is too nice a term to describe what he did.

I've always said I have enough evidence to convict him in civil court if not in criminal court.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20313 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I kind of feel like I know enough. I actually wish I did not know any of it.

I wish he just said "We need to have serious talk. I am not happy. Have not been happy and do not believe we can ever be happy. Therefore, I think we need to start planning for separate lives."
Or, "I am not happy are you? We need to fix it so we are both happy and go to counseling..."

Whatever. If you aren't happy, just go. I didn't really need to know about your Affair, how you still LOVE this person, how she arranged to meet me, my kids, how she was in my house, about her "open marraige" and "living in total honestly" and how she "opened him up emotionally." puke puke puke

Really, I know stuff I just simply wish I didn't know and I am not sure how it helps me- except helps me to hate him, which may be what he wanted so there would be NOOOO chance of any R.

I believe there is probably ALOT of stuff I still don't know, and it is only going it harder to work out custody with the kids. You need trust for co-parenting, and I do not trust or like this person. I don't know this person.

So, he should not have told me anything about the A if it was just a symptom and not the cause. Which he alleges..true or not, who knows??


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I'm in the camp that I don't want to know. It will just hurt me more, so I'd rather just move on. I know enough to know that I'm done with him and would never consider reconciliation.


BW - Me (38)
XWH -The Gnat
OW - Hello Kitty the Whore Engaged to the Gnat. I hear the white trash, wedding bells as we speak.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (7), 1 DS (2)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 934 | Registered: Mar 2013
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I would want to know everything.
However, I know I'll never get that information. XWH was and still is a liar at his core. The only things he (eventually) ever admitted to were things for which I had physical proof.

There was one point after the D that he wanted to "come clean". I told him I wasn't interested.
The three main reasons that I didnt want his "confession" at that point:
1. The truth at that point was for HIM to assuage his guilt, not to help me.
2. It likely would not have been the full truth, since XWH had never demonstrated honesty in ANYTHING unless there was an immediate benefit to himself.
3. I believe it was an attempt at drawing me back in. By giving me SOME truth, I'd likely have more questions, which would lead to more discussion, rinse and repeat.

No thank you. I'd already hopped off that crazy train and had no desire to ride again.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 5:27 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6578 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I did finally have enough info for me to know that the M was over forever. I didn't get too many sexual details because he never once talked to me about his affairs. I found all info myself. There were a few graphic emails.
I found out he was a liar from almost day one and I couldn't live with him knowing what type of a man he hid from me.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20384 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I have asked my ex to write everything he did and place it in a sealed envelope once we D.

I'll decide later if I really want to know everything. When I first told him, he responded, "I don't think i can tell you everything...." Yeah, you'd better.

I don't know if I will ever open it...I just want the option.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

When there was a chance at R I wanted to know everything. Part of this was because of the TT and gaslighting. I wanted all the lies straightened out. In order to move forward together, I needed all truth, no lies.

Now that we are going through with D it doesn't matter anymore. What he did is his part of our marriage. I'm sad for him and us that he made those choices. My part was authentic and truthful. Every once in a while I think of a question. Very quickly I realize that the answer doesn't really matter now. The answer doesn't change my future anymore.


Divorced and beginning my new life.


2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
babbs
New Member
Member # 40368
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

WS here- would you believe your WS if they told you that they are telling you everything? Ive told my BH the non-sexual details of what we did and he looks at me like Im nuts. and says ok Babbs sure you hung out at coffee shops and mostly talked. WTF I'm telling him the truth and he doesn't buy it. We had sex so granted one time is more than enough but I wasn't sneaking off regularly to do so on average it was once every 4-5 weeks. Again doesn't believe me. I know what I did is horrendous and I'm not minimizing that. I simply want to know if you would even believe your WS? I've told H the truth about A LOT and he still feels as if he's in the dark.

[This message edited by babbs at 2:28 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Babbs, if my gut instincts matched what my STBX was telling me, I'd have believed him. As long as my instincts told me he was lying, though, or only telling me "a lot" and not EVERYTHING, then no, I wouldn't believe him.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9852 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

If you are getting divorced, do you still want to know all the details of the affair? No. If we were R, then absolutely. If I felt it would help me to heal, then yes but I doubt I wouldn't get the truth anyway. But honestly, at this point, all the work, all the insight, all the tears, all the reading ... it's all about ME and my healing, and rebuilding my life and my new beginning. Every day I get stronger, he becomes less significant.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2281 | Registered: Oct 2012
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Feeling stupid about being blindsided during the postmortem is self-growth's way of trying not to be caught in the stupid again going forward with your life.

(I just reread that, I STG! I am not on drugs! well, caffeine..)

"Knowing enough" got me out of toxic, shew!
"Knowing it all" will occur. Be patient.


Posts: 6670 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Closer to D-day, I wanted to know everything. He would not admit to anything I couldn't prove - and I couldn't prove much - and it was killing me not knowing what the hell happened to my life.

Now...3.5 years later...it doesn't bother me that I don't know. Not sure I would have believed what he said anyway, because he was a liar.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2262 | Registered: Feb 2010
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

There was a time when I would have given my right arm to know for sure.

Now - I know what I need to know and I've pieced together the rest.

I no longer have the need to know how much, for how long and the names of all of the OW. I've accepted that it was going on for an entire decade and I'm coming to accept that I turned a blind eye to it deliberately.

The question for me is what would I gain from it? At this point, nothing. Absolutely nothing.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5618 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

In the beginning, I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know the exact depth of the betrayal so that I could harden my heart and never, ever fall for this shit again.
I just didn't know how much it would hurt, even 2 years later.
I found emails and pictures and vast amounts of money spent.
I was at some point still hoping that he was sincere when he said that he didn't know what would happen and that we might get back together.
Now, with everything that I found out, I wouldn't touch him even with a haz mat suit on.
The unfortunate part is that my heart will take a little longer to heal because of the things I found out and the cruel things he said to me.
It's costing me a hell of a lot of money in IC as well.
At this point they are engaged and his friends are happy for him.
Good riddance. I will never trust him again.

And it's true. I wouldn't believe him now even if he was telling me the truth. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. That's the way he treated me for 12 years so now I am returning the favour.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1438 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
bushbaby
Member
Member # 22921
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

While I was trying to R (he never tried, so it was "I" not "we" I NEEDED to know everything....I did find out a lot, and he did tell me a lot - but about what had happened pre D-day one, and nothing about what was still going on. After we finally split, a general time line was fine. I moved on. I feel faintly ill when I think about the hell he put me through, and try actually not to think of it. It is different for everyone though - I have lost a huge chunk of my life that I choose not to revisit too often now. Maybe one day I will reclaim it, but for now, I am too busy living a new life with a new love. In some ways it is the best revenge.


I'm alive. They say it's gonna rain, but I'll survive....I know I'm crying out, but I'm in pain....
Me BS, 39
WH 47 D twice
M 8 years
Daughter and Son 15 & 13 from his 2nd marriage raised as mine
DDay 13 Feb 09. Divorcing

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2009
lost4now
Member
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I am in the process of getting a D now but while trying to R I did want to know the details. He refused to really give me much. You know, he didn't want to hurt me and all!!! Right!!! I know enough, I discovered enough and I heard enough to know I was completely done with that part of my life.

Now when I hear something or uncover a previous lie it hurts terribly. It takes me a few days to shake the uneasy feeling. I then realize that that part of my life is over and I don't have to wonder what he is doing anymore or what he did do in the past.

I am moving forward and I want to see where I am going. Looking back only makes me miss what is happening right in front of me!


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
CharlieFoxtrot
Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

When I thought we were in R, I wanted to know everything. When I realized that R wasn't real and after the D was final, I wanted to know nothing else. My sister calls it "washing the stink off", but I literally threw up when new info would come. And it comes. From everywhere. Even HE wants to talk incessantly about the whole truth, and I have had to stop him and tell him that he is no longer my business and I do not want or need to hear another thing from him.

Healing from what I know will take long enough!!

I've told H the truth about A LOT and he still feels as if he's in the dark.

Babbs, I dealt with half truths for years and reading between lines is now second nature. If you told him the truth about *A LOT* but not *ALL*, your WS will know instinctively it isn't the whole story and that will make anything you say suspect. The few truths I got, I felt peace about, half truths I could recognize and never felt right; and yes, if he owned his actions and talked openly and respectfully, I would have believed him.


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

For me, doesn't matter. I know XH is a liar, borderline sociopath & serial cheater.

I just don't see any use out of me knowing detail about the extent of his treachery.

It frightens me that with the vast amount I know, WTF don't I know?

I guess if one were in R, it'd be different.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 767 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
eyesrnowopen
Member
Member # 39055
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

My WH has done outright rotten things since DD. He moved into the house when I'm not here, stole my mail, refuses to approve a therapist for the kids, He pulled funds blocking my credit cards being paid and caused checks to bounce, He took his check out of direct deposit, he tried to manipulate my parents, did manipulate his mom and is trying to bad mouth me to everyone. Now he has a new OW at work who texts him all day long. He now refuses to buy kids school clothes, books, school supplies.

My L is ready for D with all bank statements and financials. Now we are supposed to meet and discuss him putting his check back in and him approving kids therapy. I would like that in place before the D.

My IC says the real reason I can't pull the trigger on the D is because I need to find out truth so I keep the MC going. I have done nothing but think about that. Aaahaaaa moment.. Nope, don't need to know about all the OW anymore. It's now more about what he has done since DD. he is not nice.

Now my only real ? I need to answer is why did I stay in this M of diminishing returns for as long as I did (17yrs)? Why am I continuing to put up with so much s###t? I think I will start asking myself the the ?s now.


This is the work within, having control over the outcome of our lives. Robert Bly refers to this as “Warrior work.” A warrior fights for a cause, something he believes in. As opposed to a soldier who merely fights for control – power or profit.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Apr 2013
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

When we were in (false)R, I wanted to know everything. After d-day #2, I didn't care to know. He was trying to tell me details, I didn't even care to hear about them. After d-day#1, I was pulling my hair out begging for details and he said he couldn't remember. All lies.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

No. I don't want to know anything else. I stopped wanting to know five days after DDay. What I knew that day was that I wanted a D after the additional TT he provided. It was more than enough.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Oct 2011
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

If he had wanted to R, I wouldn't have dug too deep. My condition for R was that he quit his job with DCOW, move across country back to where we started out and go into intense MC. That was such a hurdle that, if he followed through with it, I would have asked questions as they came up, but I wouldn't need to know every single time he betrayed me with DCOW. She would have been a symptom and not *the* problem.

Because he backed out of R... and given his weird behavior post-DDay, I know that I'm missing something BIG. It's something awful like he minimized the relationship and he's in love or she's pregnant or he finally had that nervous breakdown he's been cooking. Whatever it is, it isn't good. Nothing he said, did or is currently doing adds up otherwise.

I'm running scared from whatever it is until I can get myself into a good place with my healing. I'm staying in IC and maintaining NC. But I know if I find out they are engaged or something, I'm going to need a quiet, padded room with some nice baskets I can weave. I won't recover from something like that as it stands right now.

But if the news is somehow the karma bus hit him, I'd listen to that, I guess.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 12:07 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

My ex will NEVER admit to all. It will go to his grave with him (except what keeps trickling to me via the local rumor mill).

That is fine now. Once I got to the point that I was done in the marriage - it didn't matter if it was 5 girls or 15 girls....it is over for me.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Topic Posts: 34