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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Just drop them off and stop talking!
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I cannot understand how a man who left his one year old twins (AND HIS WIFE), for little hot young thing, who he now plans on marrying, insists on loitering when he drops the kids off after his every other weekend visitation.

Just drop them off and leave already. I don't want to talk. We are not friends. GO AWAY.

I have to limit my responses to him as he controls the purse strings, but what up with this friendly BS? He certainly wasn't friendly before D-Day.

Now? Oh, let me chat you up about the girls and tricycles and snacks and parks and aren't i a great dad, yay me! You look great, look at my tanning bed tan!

UGH!!! Drop them off, then leave, then I'll see you in 2 weeks!!!! GO AWAY!!!


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Sadly, it's all about how that conversation makes him feel. He knows he's a total dickbag for leaving, but he doesn't want you to know that.

Soooooo, he does this to make himself feel better. He can say to himself, "See, self. She still likes yweft ecause we can talk like friends. We are great co-parents and the kids are fine. I'm not an asshole after all.". Obviously, this is delusional thinking.

I'm sorry you feel as though you can't
just shut the door in his face mid sentence. In the alternative, I might find myself on the phone and unable to chat every time he drops them off.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2697 | Registered: Jan 2011
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Something needs to happen, but I don't know what or how to pull it off without messing with sensitive $$ areas.

It's hell. I cannot fathom why he thinks he can hang out and talk. I looked at him like he was CRAZY.
I said, please leave, the girls need the truck out of the driveway for safety. (anything! just GO)...

NOTHING. Nada.
He is really and truly in love with himself and his justifications.

He believes every word he says.

Go. JUST GO!!!!!!

It's bad enough feeling like I can barely breathe or make it through another sad day. I don't need this.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Folks have bigger problems, and I'm sorry for venting, but I'm just hurting.

I don't understand how someone can be so incredibly effed up. I just don't get it.

And it doesn't end.

We all are experiencing it, in our own situations. It just sucks, is all.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Hummm. How about going to the local Humane Society and asking for the humping dog. You know, that dog that everyone returns because when they have company over, the damned thing humps the hell out of their leg? Or whatever part of their anatomy they can get ahold of?

Find one of his old shirts, get some high-grade treats (Iike steak), and a clicker. Throw the shirt over a pillow, when the humping dog smells the shirt, click, treat. Then wait until the humping dog sniffs and humps the pillow, click, and treat. Then add the phrase "Just Drop The Kids Off" to the sniff, pillow hump, click and treat.

You can see where this is going, right?

So, humping dog is in front yard, he drops the kids off, and he tries to engage you. Humping dog smells him, you yell Just Drop The Kids Off and humping dogs goes to town on his leg, tire, whatever. Video, upload to YouTube, and make a fortune.

Maybe he''ll drop the kids off a bit quicker next time.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4568 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

OMG.

Can we be friends? LOVE THIS!!!!!!

Thank you! I needed something to perk me up out of this pity party, and you succeeded.

Thank you!

I still hate that loser, though. And he'd probably hump his own leg judging from his newfound self-love. Loser.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Random thoughts
Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

How about having the door partially opened with cell phone in your hand predial your house phone and say sorry have to get that and close the door.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1570 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Or, be on the cell phone when he gets there. You know, the fake call! Sorry he wants to be chatty, I agree with stbm's interpretation.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Do you have temporary orders in place yet?


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3523 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Have you tried just closing the door?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9254 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

he'd probably hump his own leg judging from his newfound self-love

That is gold! Made me giggle out loud (and I'm in public )


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

at Skan!

Do you have temporary orders in place yet?
^^^ This. It's one of those situations where you kind of have to put up with it until you have an agreement in writing and your kids and the finances are protected. Well actually you don't have to put up with it but if dealing with him for a few extra minutes on drop off days keeps him docile until you get a binding agreement in place then put up with it for a bit.

For some reason they think we still want to be "Friends" with them. Being cordial because you are the mother of my children does not equal friends. I went through the same thing during in-house S for months but as soon as I had a signed PSA I didn't have to put up with that shit anymore. Took exactly 2 kid swaps for her to get that she no longer exists to me except when we HAVE to talk about the kids and even those conversations are short and to the point.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 7:43 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1821 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Yeah, well, if they could hump their own leg, or were flexible enough to "take care of themselves" orally, we''d never need to worry bout seeing them, would we?


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4568 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Yeah, well, if they could hump their own leg, or were flexible enough to "take care of themselves" orally, we''d never need to worry bout seeing them, would we?

XWH told me on many occasions he wishes that he could have married himself. I'm sure he'd love the above arrangement!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2011
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

It's definitely one of those situations where, because of how the divorce is proceeding, I have to be civil and cordial. I hate it, but considering how showing them how much they've hurt us just makes us look weak, I consider it a disguised blessing.

Just sucks :(


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Heal&Deal
Member
Member # 30910
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Sorry to tell you, but you have kids, so you are stuck being cordial for, well, for a very, very long time.

My X is a loiterer. My strategies:

1) Come out the front door to greet. Never let him in the house or I can't get him out.

2) Talk directly to kiddo, immediately. "Great to see you! Did you have a nice time?" Focus on your excitement to see kiddo.

3) Dismiss the X. "How about Momma inspects your wavers? Let me see. (Inspect hands for waving capability) The look great! Okay, let's give Daddy BIG waves goodbye as he drives away!"

Alternate 3) Dismiss the X. "Okay, give daddy lots of hugs and kisses, before we wave him off."

Smile. Be super friendly and gentle, but focus on the kids and take control. It hasn't pissed my Narcissist X off yet and generally works unless kiddo wants to show a toy or some such something.


Posts: 905 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

What's funny is that I already do so much of that: the having everything already prepared outside, the waving and saying good-bye, etc.
Not letting him in the door...

Yet, the tool will loiter in the driveway throughout all those good-bye's.


Bet his girlfriend would pop an artery if she saw this in person. It certainly nearly pops mine, in a different way....


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
dindy
Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 4:26 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

I hear you.

My ex-prat was the same until I asked him to drop the kids off at the front door. I was getting really pissed off with him coming into my flat and commenting on how nice things were, as if I need his approval!

Now I just be very nice and focus on the kids. I never look him in the eye anymore and I always say to them to say goodbye to their daddy.

It's not my job to make him feel like a good person, he'll have to do a lot of work on himself to be able to feel like that.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

Good lord. I'm so glad I live in a security block. I meet him at my block's entrance. I will never have him in my home nor even at my front door. He'll never breathe the pure air of my lovely home.

In the early days he did try a bit of "Good morning SBB!", "Have a great day SBB!" but I completely ignored it all and made a big song and dance of saying goodbye or hello to the girls. Didn't give him a chance to say much.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5403 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 19