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User Topic: Things I Don't Want to Say
ShockedErica11
Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I donít want to have to tell him what to say; you know what I mean? I donít want to have to tell him, ďHey, itís great and all that youíre being so truthful, but the matter-of-fact and blunt way you say it really FUCKING hurts. So, do you mind if you can kind of soften the blow? Like, when I asked if you two liked the same music and you just say, ďAbout R&B and Hip-Hop.Ē And then say nothing else after that, my logical mind can make the inference that you two ONLY had that in common, but my bruised and battered ego, my hurt feelings and that little (read: BIG) rage monster inside of me would kind of like you to say, ďOh, we only talked about those two musical genres, which made the conversations a touch boring after a while, but you and I have A LOT more in common because [*insert really nice compliment here*], and I canít believe I ever thought that hoebag understood or liked me. Sheís a coward and Iím a [*insert appropriate self-reflective term here*] to have ever thought that she did. Iím really sorry I put us here.Ē

^^^ All that shit? Yeah, I donít want to FEED him stuff to say because then I know itís just really inauthentic what he says because I had to TELL him what to say as opposed to him just GETTING that thatís what I want to hear. No, it does not help him if I keep this crap to myself and just stew and be pissed off and sad and annoyed and angry and depressed because thereís just ONE other thing that him and his AP had in common that he and I didnít talk about or share all that much during our marriage (Iím beginning to wonder if I ever really had a marriage at all because heís been cheating with OW since a few months AFTER he asked me to marry him and continued cheating throughout the entirety of our marriage until I found out) (Just thought about it: probably had no kind of marriage what so ever. YAY! Reliving my parentsí marriage FTW!!!).

I donít want to have to tell him; Iím tired of telling him things. Iíve been telling him stuff since the start; Iíve never not been vocal about my needs and Iíve never not made it impossible for him to open up and talk about what he needed or wanted; he had to act like a juvenile POS about all of it though because he didnít think Iíd listen. Really, jack ass? REALLY?!

Yes, Iím mad.

I just donít know how NOT to get angry or pissed or depressed when I find something out about this crap that hits deep to the core. Like, apparently my love language is Words of Affirmation, and Iím an extremely communicative person. I told WH once that the one thing I love the most is being ďtalkedĒ to. About anything. You can talk to me about the mating habits of magpies and Iíll be enraptured. I just like COMMUNICATION: reading, writing, public speaking; if you show me you have a command of what you are talking about, I melt. And, of course, I get with a man that doesnít communicate worth shit, go figure

But I digress: so Iím d/l music last night and the question strikes me to ask if they had similar tastes in music, because thatís what he said was one of the things they talked about was music, entertainment, tv shows; that sort of thing. And so I asked, and he gave the aforementioned short answer, and I just got FUCKING depressed. I mean, I finally found the FULL version of Meatloaf ďI would do anything for loveĒ, and just got depressed despite the minor victory. Went into my sewing room, and cried my eyes out. I finally figured out what was making me cry so much (Iíve been doing this Q&A with myself to ask myself what Iím REALLY sad about as opposed to the surface A-shit): itís something that always made me different. My musical tastes have ALWAYS been WAY far out than the people Iíve been around; I was made fun of because of it, badly, as a kid, and alienated because I loved 80s Glam Rock, Heavy metal, Death metal, Alternative Rock, Classical, and Motown (my mom sings Motown hits, etc so thatís what I grew up with and my Dad is much older so Iím listening to things as a kid that didnít jive with everyone else; even my speech was anachronistic). So, I was made fun of heavily for it as a kid. Eventually, I grew up, found people that actually liked my musical tastes, and my nebulous weirdness, and thought I had moved on from the childhood taunts and jibes.

And then last night: when he said that, I was just taken back to being made fun of because I didnít fall all over myself thinking certain R&B artists were SO HAWT (), listening to this genre of music ad nauseum and following along certain artists like groupies. Iím not saying other fans of music do this, but if I find something I like, I listen to JUST that. I donít feel the need to download 12000+ tracks of music, when Iím only going to listen to 300+. I mean, my family made me feel so uncomfortable because I listened to what they deemed ďwhite peopleĒ music; I got made fun of by my family with how I dressed and how I acted too. So, Iím getting it from all sides: school and home, and then I hear him say that last night and I just got depressed. Then I got angry.

I mean, itís just MUSIC, for crying out loud! But it hurts because it was just another thing that made me feel alienated from people. I mean, I was ALREADY weird. I was ALREADY broken (thanks for that, Mom). I was ALREADY scared and sad and depressed and screaming so loud on the inside that I wanted people to hear and SEE me; did THAT have to be ANOTHER place where there was some kind of alienation and trauma.

And did it have to be in my current marriage too?

So, yeah FOO issues FTW!

I really fucking hate this shit.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 229 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I loved 80s Glam Rock, Heavy metal, Death metal, Alternative Rock, Classical, and Motown

I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but when I read this I thought "she's so cool".

R&B and Hip-Hop

And when I read this I thought "how boring". Plus, the OW probably didn't know a damned thing about either and had to refer to google just to be able to hold up her end of the conversation....dumb twit

You rock....don't let anybody make you feel otherwise. Ok? (((hugs)))


Posts: 13354 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
ShockedErica11
Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but when I read this I thought "she's so cool".

It did actually. Thank you.

And when I read this I thought "how boring". Plus, the OW probably didn't know a damned thing about either and had to refer to google just to be able to hold up her end of the conversation....dumb twit


You rock....don't let anybody make you feel otherwise. Ok? (((hugs)))

I try not to. It's just that many things that are happening in WH's A mirror a great deal of the things that I tried to deal with as a kid; probably more me looking at it and projecting my childhood onto this issue.

Everything it TOO eerily similar though, and I'm tired of one other FOO issue arising because of this entire shit storm.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 229 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I LOVE a lot of rock music too. I have 2 older brothers, and they raised me on that stuff. And I was the dork with a wallet chain and old concert T-shirts in high school, but I had a friend just like me, so I felt the 2 of us were alienated from a lot of people, but at least I had her..

But I SOOO very much get what you mean by childhood issues coming back up. I just posted a few weeks ago about how the trauma I experienced as a child was resurfacing, and I was getting so angry about it. It was the feeling of being powerless for me. I am feeling so powerless again, and it's the same feeling I had as a kid when I was being traumatized. But I'm a grown woman now and can stand up and fight, so that's what I'm doing.. It's really not fair when injustice hits us, and there's really no way to even the score. For some reason we just have to eat the shit sandwich and move on, and it's complete horseshit in my opinion.. I do what I can, but sometimes I just have to let it go.. It sucks..

Big hugs to you. I obviously think you are really cool too


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Feb 2013
ShockedErica11
Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I LOVE a lot of rock music too. I have 2 older brothers, and they raised me on that stuff. And I was the dork with a wallet chain and old concert T-shirts in high school, but I had a friend just like me, so I felt the 2 of us were alienated from a lot of people, but at least I had her..
But I SOOO very much get what you mean by childhood issues coming back up. I just posted a few weeks ago about how the trauma I experienced as a child was resurfacing, and I was getting so angry about it. It was the feeling of being powerless for me. I am feeling so powerless again, and it's the same feeling I had as a kid when I was being traumatized. But I'm a grown woman now and can stand up and fight, so that's what I'm doing.. It's really not fair when injustice hits us, and there's really no way to even the score. For some reason we just have to eat the shit sandwich and move on, and it's complete horseshit in my opinion.. I do what I can, but sometimes I just have to let it go.. It sucks..

Big hugs to you. I obviously think you are really cool too

Thank you. That helps.

I'm just realizing there are a LOT of childhood hurts, and I hate that this had to be a sitution that brought them out, but as a friend of mine says: you're blessed to be going through this life changing experience so young. You're able to make these changes that'll have an impact over the course of a lifetime.

And she's right; I'm just struggling alot.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 229 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

You know, after 4000 texts in one month and hours of phone calls, I will never know everything they talked about and sometimes I want to go crazy about it. I ask also and usually get the one or two word answer. I hate the look, the pause and the short answer. I feel as if he is still covering up or trying to remember what he said last

It really was not the type of music they shared, but the fact they shared anything at all. She gifted him iTunes and he gifted her. He NEVER sent me anything, iTunes or even lyrics. That was another little gift they gave each other, emailed lyrics to "special" songs that "spoke" to them.

I do not listen to music of any kind any more. If I need the radio I listen to sports talk. The OW had no time for the mindless spectacle and waste of any sport.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1197 | Registered: May 2012 | From: South
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

ďOh, we only talked about those two musical genres, which made the conversations a touch boring after a while, but you and I have A LOT more in common because [*insert really nice compliment here*], and I canít believe I ever thought that hoebag understood or liked me. Sheís a coward and Iím a [*insert appropriate self-reflective term here*] to have ever thought that she did. Iím really sorry I put us here.Ē

I completely understand this. I don't want to tell my WS what to say to me. Because if I tell him what I need, then it's not real when he does it. I want him to do it on his own. I want him to know me, and I want him to say these things on his own.

For example, last night, I was upset at him. He said that he would give me space, and then didn't talk to me for over 2 hours. I finally blew up and sent him a mean email about it. He said that the email upset him, because I could have talked to him if I wanted to talk. And yes, I know I could have talked to him. But I wanted him to call me and say that he's sorry that his asshole actions caused me to be depressed. That he's sorry he got involved with a whore that ruined my life. I don't want space. I want him to admit how much his actions destroyed me. And the words "I'm sorry" are not enough. I want descriptive words about how horrible she was and how much I'm better.

So, I completely understand what you're feeling.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 732 | Registered: Jul 2013
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

emailed lyrics to "special" songs that "spoke" to them.

Can we add this to the cheater's handbook?

My WH and his MOW did this too. I made him delete (or I deleted) every one of the songs they ever discussed. F them!

Oh and my WH and MOW discussed Rap lyrics so you can imagine how their converstaions went


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2250 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 8