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User Topic: He says if I leave, he won't see our daughter anymore
sparklezombie
Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

So I told WH I'm leaving in October (once rental house is empty) because I caught him cheating again - online sites to find anon sexual encounters with other women while on business travel. This is far from the first DD.

He really doesn't want me to leave. Says he is sorry. Wants to work on it, etc. But then he says that if I leave we can't work on our marriage and if I leave - that it doesn't work like that. Also, if I leave he wants nothing to do with our one year old daughter. He won't even see her anymore. That doesn't sound like someone who is remorseful right? I'm not misreading things am I? It feels very threatening and he keeps saying that him not seeing the baby would be my choice because I'm choosing to move out. It's so stressful and I just can't wait for October, but then there is still that small part of me that wonders if leaving is the right thing. To be fair though, I think that part is getting smaller by the day.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Sounds like he is trying to use your daughter as bait to guilt you into staying. I call bullshit.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

See a lawyer at once, if you have not already done so. That is a hideous threat. How low can you go, making a dear little one-year-old a pawn? I agree, that doesn't sound like remorse at all.

Even if he never sees her again--and he may be bluffing just to get you to stay--he will be on the hook for child support. Lawyer up!


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 388 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

So he cheats..over and over..and over again...and then tells you if you leave(a reasonable and expected response to being cheated on)...he will stop being a dad to his child?

OMG. That's blackmail. It's cruel..and abusive.

His being a father should have nothing to do with whether the marriage remains intact. he is her father,regardless.

Honestly? FTG.If this is how he is going to be..I would leave anyway. If that means your DD loses her dad..so be it..it was going to happen any way. I understand..you don't want that for her,of course. But if he is going to make a threat like this..he will make it again..and again,to keep you in line and tied to him.

This is not a man who is remorseful. This is an asshole who is using his child to manipulate you into staying.

Im a parent. there are NO circumstances possible that would ever..EVER...make me say something like that. I AM their mother. Being their mommy has nothing to do with WH.

Ugh. What a dickbag.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7308 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Sparkle, this really was a shitty thing for him to do. Anyone who would say something like that doesn't deserve to be a parent anyway, IMO. And he doesn't deserve you. You have put up with his crap for too long.

I hope things get better for you, I really do. ::hugs::


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

You are misreading NOTHING!

Selfish Asshole! Show him the door as soon as you are back from the attorney.
How dare anyone threaten this, especially a self-serving, selfish, jerk who brought this on himself and you and your child.
Good riddance!

Why would anyone want to stay with that threat?

Sorry, I know this is strong, but wow, what a gut punch.
A little REALITY will go a long way with this one.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

What an unbelievable jackass move.

(((((sparkle & DD)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25008 | Registered: Aug 2011
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

he keeps saying that him not seeing the baby would be my choice because I'm choosing to move out.

It's his choice not to fight tooth and nail to see his child as much as possible. Absolute dad fail right there. Not on you.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7429 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Of all the f'ed up things I've read here - that is right up at the top of the list!!!

I know there are plenty of deadbeat dads here - but to actually tell you he will disappear from her life? I think I'd look at him and say: "No problem, I'll just find her a new Daddy then!" What an ass!!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

My unremoreseful dickhead of a STBX said basically the same about our 2 sons. That if I leave, he's dropping out of their lives and moving. Said he wants to start a new life in Russia with his brother.

That was, till child support started being figured out. Now, all of the sudden the fucktard wants more time. Honestly, I wish the abusive asshole would just leave. Fuck the money, fuck the support, just get the hell away from my kids with your abusive antics and bullying and manipulation.

I would tell a lawyer right away. I would try to get him to say it again in a text message or email so you have proof. This is manipulation at its finest, and you should get the hell away from him. Children should NEVER be used as pawns like this..

FTG!


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2101 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
standingonmarble
Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

He sounds desperate to maintain status quo in his life.

Such a hard lesson for these types to learn; control is just a fantasy.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Well, isn't he the good dad? (Disgusted.)On the other hand, given his behaviour, perhaps not seeing the baby would be a good thing.

I think he is just trying to control you. I'm sorry he's being such an asshat.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7180 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

He's an arse. If you leave, he gets to make the decision to act like a dad or not. Don't let him push that shit on you.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1828 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Like someone else said, I'd get Mr. sparklezombie to say it in an email, or text, etc. Then when you go to court for custody, child support, etc. they can see what his plans are.

Wow. His love for his baby is really conditional. No matter what my FWH did it would not decrease my desire to be with my children...it would increase it.

Mr. sparklezombie is some piece of work....

Even if he L his baby, but is saying that to manipulate you into saying, he is still messed up in his head.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Gently, but it sounds to me like you and your child would have a better life if either of you didn't see him.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
sparklezombie
Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Gently, but it sounds to me like you and your child would have a better life if either of you didn't see him

Yes, I think so too sometimes. It's hard because we've been together so long (17 years) and I feel like this is normal or that I deserve it, even though the rational part of my brain says otherwise. I see my IC again today. She has said that he's emotionally abusive and after hearing him yell this stuff at me this morning I would have to agree. I hope he comes around, but I don't have much hope. I also hate the he blames me and says all of this is my fault.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

If he really means it, he's a shit father anyway and having him around is probably NOT going to be beneficial to your daughter.

What an asshole. That makes me INCREDIBLY angry. How could someone walk away from a precious one-year-old baby?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
AStar
Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Wow sparklezombie, your H is a piece of work. Your precious child is not a bargaining chip, or to be used to emotionally blackmail you.
He must choose to fully commit to you or leaving in October is the right thing to do for your own well being. Hugs to you and your daughter.


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

He is a controlling, manipulative, abusive, JACKASS.

You and your daughter will be better off without him. Stop talking to him and move. Call a lawyer. Make sure he/she is a SHARK. Have him/her do the talking for you.

I hope someday you meet a wonderful man who will be a kind and loving husband to you and a loving and nurturing father to your daughter.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sparklezombie
Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Now tonight he says I can leave but that I'm not taking my daughter with me. I guess he figured out that blackmailing by telling me he wouldn't see her wasn't going to work and now he says she can't come live with me. That's crap. She goes where I go and I'm tired of his crap.

And I do have a good lawyer. I'm actually a lawyer although I don't litigate. But I have a good friend who does domestic relations and is representing me. She doesn't take any crap from anyone. I just can't believe he would now say he's going to fight or custody.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Anyone that says something like that doesn't deserve a child in the first place. Think of the shit he could pull on your daughter some day. Divorce him and NC him for both your sakes. What an ass.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2150 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I agree with purplejacket. Was he always like this? If so, be very Leary about how much time he has your DD. If he manipulates you like this. Think what he will do to a child that loves him. He is likely to teach her that if you love someone, ________(fill in the blank) your DD doesn't need that example from the first man she loved. It sets her up to be a doormat (or worse-abused) in her adult relationships.

Hugs

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Also, if I leave he wants nothing to do with our one year old daughter. He won't even see her anymore.

It sounds like he is using your baby to manipulate you into staying with him.

What an asshat.

I would NOT buy into it.

Better yet, get this ridiculousness captured in writing. I would love LOVE to see the look on his face when he tries to go after you for custody at some point and you say, "hey, you threatened not to see DD anymore and said you wanted nothing to do with her. Here, Judge, this is the text/email."


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
sparklezombie
Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

You're definitely right. His face was so cold and callous when e was telling me this. It was awful to watch. He has some serious issues and there's no fog that could make me blind to them now.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

What an utter asshole. Please tell me you're documenting everything, even making a secret voice recording of these conversations, so you can prove he has no interest in actually being a father. What a bastard.

My STBX told people that if he was going to be forced to pay CS and SS he would vanish. I can only hope, right?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9505 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

This is not a man who is remorseful. This is an asshole who is using his child to manipulate you into staying.

THIS^^^

And I've never heard of a case where the best interest of the child was NOT to be with her mother (unless the mother is proven to be unfit)...he doesn't have a leg to stand on and he knows it.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Start documenting everything concerning your DD's care. Keep it in a place that he will not find it and do not tell him anything about it. Document every diaper change, every both, every meal time, every trip to the park, everything and who is providing the care. Be fair and document the good and the bad for both of you. If you can demonstrate that you provide the majority of the care then his threats of getting custody will be meaningless.

I am sorry you are going thru this

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17606 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
ButterflyWings
Member
Member # 26493
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Children should NEVER be used as pawns like this..

FTG!

This. What a horrible thing to do. Stick it to him Sparkle!


FWS: Him (38)/BS: Me (35)
DD, 9 & DS, 3
D-Day: 3.22.09 EA admitted
OW:a very sad, pathetic excuse for a woman.
Status: Forgiven
"Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy."

Posts: 118 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Massachusetts
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

He's playing the pawn from the other side now. The problem is he's still using her as a pawn to manipulate you. This is a sick, twisted, abusive man. These guys don't turn around with love. They turn around (maybe) when the consequences are bad enough that they want to change their actions. Give him the consequences sparkle. Document (email, text, VAR) all these horrible threats involving the kids and get the hell out of there. The sooner you leave and refuse to talk to him on the phone or in person, the more evidence you will have in writing.

Big hugs to you. Be strong girl.

And, I repeat, FTG!!!


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2101 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
PurpleBirch
Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I think that he's changed his tune about seeing her because he knows he could hurt you with it. Manipulation whichever way it turns out


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Since you are a L, then you know, without a court order saying differently, that you can take your daughter anywhere that you darn well please, right?

How would this play out...."home life was unstable and unsafe, needed to get away...blah,blah"

Stop talking. Start texting and emailing......

If you leave and he doesn't see your baby...that is HIS choice....no matter what stupid shit he tries to tell you. Especially (hint, hint) if you ask him (documented by text/email) which days would work best for him to see the baby.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7919 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 31