User Topic: Wayward work?
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

What would you consider "work" when you ask your WS to do the work necessary to reconcile?

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

For us it was:

NC immediately
him going to SA meetings
answering my questions truthfully.
Reading a few books
Helping me heal by giving me comfort, talking when I needed to talk, giving empathy, allowing me to vent or cry or even be angry without getting defensive.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Luckily my wife was able to figure out most of this on her own, with a few cues from me. The work she did that helped me the most was:

NC, including working towards "mental NC"
Written timeline
Digging for the "Why", which included:
- IC
- Reading books, including highlights/annotations
- Exploring FOO issues
Listening to me
Practicing empathy toward me
Helping me reclaim dates/locations/acts of intimacy
Transparency with email/facebook/phone/etc.
Supporting me with my mental needs (SI, IC, ADs)

Hope this helps.

Posts: 7516 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

WS did the "common sense" stuff right away on his own (NC, counseling, addressing FOO issues) but did not read any books. Finally after a big fight I told him I was done asking and begging him to read and figure out how to help me, that he needed to desire to do that on his own.

I explained that if the doctor told him he had cancer *I* would read every book and research everything I could to find out how to help him feel better and get through it. I said this is not a whole lot different - maybe there is no cure but I want to see him want to help me no matter what it takes because he wants to.

He immediately started reading and hasn't stopped. It has started making a huge difference!!

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 4